Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 511 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I’m not sure if this is the right category to post.

I do not see this as cheating and I think my husband is blowing this out of proportion.
After my first date with my now husband I had unplanned sex with my ex boyfriend. We were recently broken up and I was trying to adjust to that. My husband and I barely knew each other then and did not know at that time I would marry this man. If I knew that my choices would have been very different.
He is naturally a jealous and possessive person In some ways. My ex bf used to be an issue for him. He didn’t like that I used to talk to him but didn’t want to say anything because it was still new. Later he told me he didn’t want me to talk to him and I stopped and I didn’t know it bothered him so much. Last week we were walking around some shop with our baby and having a really good time. My ex spotted us and we all talked for a little bit. I kept watching my husband during this to gauge his reaction and he seemed totally fine with it. He complimented us and the baby, and said he was happy for us. It was a normal interaction. He didn’t let in that anything was wrong or bothered him for days. My husband charged my old phone that was just sitting in a drawer. He went through years and years of texts, social media messages, photos, and videos. He eventually put it together that I had sex with him after our 1st date. Finding that out and seeing all of those old messages and pictures made him have a total mental breakdown. He trashed our house and my car then went to his fathers. It took me forever to clean up. I have apologized and apologized even though I don’t think that I cheated on him. I do understand how hurt he is finding this out. I think it is unfair to hold me to relationship standards when we barely knew each other. I can not count the number of women he has had sex with. We are seeing this differently fundamentally. I would never go through his old phones because I know it is just going to hurt me. Everyone I have talked to about this is telling me to leave. I want us to focus on our marriage, future, and our kid. I think this Is a little bit ridiculous. Also, I am sure he was having sex with someone before our first date maybe not after i don’t know.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
6,977 Posts
If you were NOT exclusive when you had your date and then had sex with your ex, then no it's not cheating.
Could HE have thought that from that first date you were exclusive?

The REAL issue is that he was so violent, trashing the house and your CAR!!!!! THAT shows real emotional immaturity on his part. Sounds like he needs to get some sort of anger management.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
18,236 Posts
I’m not sure if this is the right category to post.

I do not see this as cheating and I think my husband is blowing this out of proportion.
After my first date with my now husband I had unplanned sex with my ex boyfriend. We were recently broken up and I was trying to adjust to that. My husband and I barely knew each other then and did not know at that time I would marry this man. If I knew that my choices would have been very different.
He is naturally a jealous and possessive person In some ways. My ex bf used to be an issue for him. He didn’t like that I used to talk to him but didn’t want to say anything because it was still new. Later he told me he didn’t want me to talk to him and I stopped and I didn’t know it bothered him so much. Last week we were walking around some shop with our baby and having a really good time. My ex spotted us and we all talked for a little bit. I kept watching my husband during this to gauge his reaction and he seemed totally fine with it. He complimented us and the baby, and said he was happy for us. It was a normal interaction. He didn’t let in that anything was wrong or bothered him for days. My husband charged my old phone that was just sitting in a drawer. He went through years and years of texts, social media messages, photos, and videos. He eventually put it together that I had sex with him after our 1st date. Finding that out and seeing all of those old messages and pictures made him have a total mental breakdown. He trashed our house and my car then went to his fathers. It took me forever to clean up. I have apologized and apologized even though I don’t think that I cheated on him. I do understand how hurt he is finding this out. I think it is unfair to hold me to relationship standards when we barely knew each other. I can not count the number of women he has had sex with. We are seeing this differently fundamentally. I would never go through his old phones because I know it is just going to hurt me. Everyone I have talked to about this is telling me to leave. I want us to focus on our marriage, future, and our kid. I think this Is a little bit ridiculous. Also, I am sure he was having sex with someone before our first date maybe not after i don’t know.
If you are in the US or UK you might just let him know that it is illegal for him to spy on you without your permission such as you having given him permission to look at your phone. Lots of guys these days are putting trackers on wives cars.

Like you said earlier in your post your husband is just the jealous type and that's probably from some old bad self-esteem and insecurity.

What you did after a first date with anybody is nobody's business. By apologizing to him you are just enabling him on this stuff. You did not cheat on him at all. One date does not a commitment make.

You need to set a boundary with him right now because he's liable to get carried away and he doesn't sound like a very nice person when he does. If he destroys anything or gets the least bit physical with you, you need to call the police. If you let him he will keep this up and he is in the wrong.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
137 Posts
No it isn't cheating.

You sound like you are always tense and timid. That you always walk on eggshells around your husband...


Your husband seems like he has an explosive temper and anger problem...he needs help.

You perhaps should get a divorce..



Eventually if you stay...it's highly likely that it will be you that will be the one someone's cleaning and patching up in the hospital often..



People with explosive tempers who are quick to anger like that....stay like that...and it often escalates to being physically violent and abusive...it never gets better. Some eventually burn out and pass of a heart attack or something...often during one of their many spells.



Leave and save the child and yourself before it gets worse.


Plus, he violated your privacy and personal comfortability and security.


Don't tolerate this.

Do better
 

· Registered
Joined
·
110 Posts
I’m not sure if this is the right category to post.

I do not see this as cheating and I think my husband is blowing this out of proportion.
After my first date with my now husband I had unplanned sex with my ex boyfriend. We were recently broken up and I was trying to adjust to that. My husband and I barely knew each other then and did not know at that time I would marry this man. If I knew that my choices would have been very different.
He is naturally a jealous and possessive person In some ways. My ex bf used to be an issue for him. He didn’t like that I used to talk to him but didn’t want to say anything because it was still new. Later he told me he didn’t want me to talk to him and I stopped and I didn’t know it bothered him so much. Last week we were walking around some shop with our baby and having a really good time. My ex spotted us and we all talked for a little bit. I kept watching my husband during this to gauge his reaction and he seemed totally fine with it. He complimented us and the baby, and said he was happy for us. It was a normal interaction. He didn’t let in that anything was wrong or bothered him for days. My husband charged my old phone that was just sitting in a drawer. He went through years and years of texts, social media messages, photos, and videos. He eventually put it together that I had sex with him after our 1st date. Finding that out and seeing all of those old messages and pictures made him have a total mental breakdown. He trashed our house and my car then went to his fathers. It took me forever to clean up. I have apologized and apologized even though I don’t think that I cheated on him. I do understand how hurt he is finding this out. I think it is unfair to hold me to relationship standards when we barely knew each other. I can not count the number of women he has had sex with. We are seeing this differently fundamentally. I would never go through his old phones because I know it is just going to hurt me. Everyone I have talked to about this is telling me to leave. I want us to focus on our marriage, future, and our kid. I think this Is a little bit ridiculous. Also, I am sure he was having sex with someone before our first date maybe not after i don’t know.

If you weren't exclusive, no it's not cheating.


Your husband has a violent temper that will only escalate if he doesn't seek therapy and actually work on it.

Chances are he won't, and this is who he's been always.

Chances are he learned this was the "proper" way to deal with anger, and internalized it.

Chances are he was abused, watched his mother, father, or both be abusive towards the other and perhaps him.


I'm unsure if anything can be done about his temper. He has a rage inside of him that even with therapy and work would probably never be completely subsided...and could arise quickly.

He's a "0 to 100" person. It comes real quick and strong.


I highly advise divorce.

This could turn physical.

Your child(ren) doesn't need to be exposed to this.

Neither do you.

The privacy invasion was wrong too.


People have been telling you to leave because they know that you're in an abusive relationship and in danger...


Even if you are unaware ....

They know the signs, and some have the experiences.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
how long you dated your husband before that happened? your first date was your first time going out or meeting?
It was our first time going out. We had spent some time together by chance of us both being there at friend‘s houses and parties. We were not exclusive even a little bit
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
12,645 Posts
No, it isn’t — you had dated him once — but having sex with an ex is rarely a good idea for a number of reasons. Most men wouldn’t totally go bsc over it but your husband has. Is it maybe a cultural thing? Regardless, I doubt he’s going to get over that rage soon and he may hold it over your head forever so those telling you to get out are the ones who know him and are probably focusing on that aspect of it.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,594 Posts
The answer, to me, depends entirely upon what you lead him to believe at the time. Did your husband ever ask when you had last been intimate with your ex and you stretched the truth a bit? That would be betrayal. Not cheating but just as bad for many.

if he asked you and you lied or there was any situation where you allowed him to be deceived, you need to own up to that. The problem was NOT having sex with your ex after your first date with the guy you married. IF there is a problem, it would be anything you might have done to cover it up or lie.

If you’re in the clear, he’s not being reasonable. That doesn’t mean his feelings, to him, aren’t valid. It just changes how you address them.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
The answer, to me, depends entirely upon what you lead him to believe at the time. Did your husband ever ask when you had last been intimate with your ex and you stretched the truth a bit? That would be betrayal. Not cheating but just as bad for many.

if he asked you and you lied or there was any situation where you allowed him to be deceived, you need to own up to that. The problem was NOT having sex with your ex after your first date with the guy you married. IF there is a problem, it would be anything you might have done to cover it up or lie.

If you’re in the clear, he’s not being reasonable. That doesn’t mean his feelings, to him, aren’t valid. It just changes how you address them.
He knew I very recently broke up with him. He never asked me exactly when I had sex last but had to know it was recent and with him. Our relationship and the timeline was very well known.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
257 Posts
Definitely not cheating. Going through your old phone is just psycho. Jealous, possessive, trashed your house and car and then ran to daddy’s. This is a HUGE red flag. This is not normal under any circumstance. You’ve got a BIG problem and it’s going to get bigger. Stop apologizing already. HE owes you a HUGE apology and he needs immediate anger management therapy. Seriously. This is a BIG deal.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
493 Posts
I don't know about this, it is kind off disrespectful and kinda cheating some sort. why would you go out with him in first place if you are going to sleep with your Ex?

He might have had a crush on you before you became exclusive - and you might have rejected him to have sex with him on the first date but you gave it up to your ex.

lot of scenarios might be going through his head -

how did he find out that you did this with your ex?
 

· Registered
Joined
·
257 Posts
The answer, to me, depends entirely upon what you lead him to believe at the time. Did your husband ever ask when you had last been intimate with your ex and you stretched the truth a bit? That would be betrayal. Not cheating but just as bad for many.

if he asked you and you lied or there was any situation where you allowed him to be deceived, you need to own up to that. The problem was NOT having sex with your ex after your first date with the guy you married. IF there is a problem, it would be anything you might have done to cover it up or lie.

If you’re in the clear, he’s not being reasonable. That doesn’t mean his feelings, to him, aren’t valid. It just changes how you address them.
No comment on the extreme destructive behavior?
 
1 - 20 of 511 Posts
Top