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Would you give her a second chance?

  • Yes

    Votes: 11 14.1%
  • No

    Votes: 67 85.9%

  • Total voters
    78
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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I would love to know how you would see my situation with my ex. I feel so torn.

Here's what happened:

1. We had a very rough long distance marriage (me in Vancouver, and her in San Jose) that lasted 2 years before I ended it with her. The main problem was that she continually, angrily resisted moving to Vancouver to be with me, even though that was our plan.

2. About a year into it, thanks to advice that I got from this great forum (thanks guys!), I tried being more firm and setting clearer expectations and boundaries. This had mixed results.

3. I began suspecting that she was being unfaithful, and I got paranoid about it. I couldn't afford a PI but I did some digital sleuthing I don't feel good about having done that, by the way. I remember feeling that I wished I would find something incriminating, because this would give me an honorable way to bow out. (Sick, I know.) I found the following:

a. She had quite a few encounters, and many conversations, with a guy (let's call him "Guy A"). There was a text from her to a friend of hers saying "I'm in love with Guy A, what do I do?". I know she went to his house for dinner several times. I know that at least once, she stayed over at his place - this was after a music festival, possibly with her cousin also being there. Also, she changed his name on her phone contact list.

b. Another guy ("Guy B") is an older gentleman, a mentor of hers that I have known about forever but, unlike Guy A, I didn't suspect anything. She tried to arrange to meet Guy B in two foreign places (one where she went for a wedding and another for work). She also sent him a very... intimate picture, after he requested it, and a very suggestive text that basically was an invitation fondle her, um, above-the-waist intimate parts. I don't think they actually got together or did anything.

c. She said to various people that she was not in love anymore, doubtful about the marriage, didn't want to live where I lived, etc. She also talked about how she had to make a 'decision', i.e., a decision about whether to leave me or not.

4. When I found all of this I thought long and hard about it all, and finally decided I had to put an end to it. After seeing what I saw, I was certain it would be mutual. I packed all her things into boxes and booked myself a roundtrip, same day flight to end it. Much to my surprise, she tried very hard to talk me out of it. For each thing that I mentioned I knew about or saw, she said there was an explanation - e.g. she didn't mean it, she was confused, etc., let's work on it, etc. I told her I made my decision, and the best I could do was think about it for a few days. She tried to get me stay overnight but I wouldn't.

5. Fast forward 9 months. It looks like our breakup genuinely was a traumatic and life-changing event for her.
a. She has sent letters, flowers, gifts etc. For the first few months it was continuous but I didn't reply or respond and so it quieted down. She flew up 3 times to try to talk me out of it.

b. She says she was wrong about not wanting to live here, she was torn and confused etc., trying to please both me and her family, which she now sees was a mistake (for context - she works for her family business in San Jose). She says if I take her back she will immediately move here to be with me, and forever will live anywhere I want.

c. She has been in therapy, working with 3 therapists, working on herself and the issues that she now says she sees drove her to behave badly. She also has taken up meditation and kundalini yoga, which she says has changed her profoundly.

d. Finally she said she was coming up here and she would really like to meet with me and talk. I relented and saw her 3 times, to hear her out. I tried very hard to gauge whether she is being genuine and whether I can trust her. I have to say that she seems to really have had a personal transformation of sorts. She was listening, and empathetic, and seemed genuinely remorseful. She asked again and again for me to give her a chance. I initially said no and then I said I could think it over and I need a week or so.

e. It's been a week. I am really torn. I still love her but I am deeply afraid that if I give her this chance, things will be the same as before, except that somehow I will now be trapped.​

6. I should add that in addition to our problems that I've brought to this forum, we had many great times together, excellent chemistry, and shared interests, and she generally has a lovely personality.

I feel guilty and I love her, and I care about keeping my commitments especially in this context. If somehow we could get past our incredibly rough start, and be happy together, that would be a dream for me. But the odds seem to be badly against it working out, and I really don't want to go through the heartache and disappointment and guilt of breaking up again.

Would you give this woman a chance?
 

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Nope. She agreed to move to where you lived. She didn't. She fell in love with or flirted with other men. She expressed a desire to leave you to her friends.

You delivered what she feels is an ultimatum, and now she's panicking because her life as she knows it is going to change if you divorce. Suddenly, moving to Vancouver seems to be the lesser of two evil changes.

But that doesn't mean that if you take her back and she moves, that moving isn't still going to seem like an evil change to her. She would grow to resent you for forcing her to move away from her family and all her friends.

And you would be forever wondering if she's sexting with other men, at the very least, now that she's shown you she's willing to do that.

If you love her, let her go.
 

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Voted no because even Dr. Phil says that it's asking for an affair/divorce to marry someone who has cheated on you while dating. And in this situation, it's worse, because she would have never stopped cheating if you hadn't caught her. The "change" is B.S.
 

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Sorry, but I can't see taking her back. She was (physically) cheating, and I think you made the right choice. How could you ever trust her again?
 

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Actions speak louder than words and she still loves down there. That's the bottom line, all of this is just more bs words. If you really want to give her a chance tell her she has 48 hours to permanently move north and drop all ties to her old home.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Actions speak louder than words and she still loves down there. That's the bottom line, all of this is just more bs words. If you really want to give her a chance tell her she has 48 hours to permanently move north and drop all ties to her old home.
I'm pretty sure that if I did that, she would. (Despite not having done it before.)
 

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Then let her put her money where her mouth is and prove it.

In addition she needs to rebuild your trust, and would have to accept full responsibility for the affairs offering complete transparency - quite frankly from what I've seen from the CWI forums that's the only act of remorse that can truly be taken as sincere from a cheater's mouth.
 

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Are you divorced, or just separated?

If you want to give her one more chance,and I mean only one, have a very clear set of written expectations for her. Transparency in every way should be on there. One mistake and it is over.

And then stick to its being over!
 

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Less than two years into your marriage she cheated with two different men?

Uh uh.


Find a nice Canadian girl to settle down with. Dump Cali girl.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Are you divorced, or just separated?

If you want to give her one more chance,and I mean only one, have a very clear set of written expectations for her. Transparency in every way should be on there. One mistake and it is over.

And then stick to its being over!
Separated. My lawyer told me we have to be separated 12 months before the divorce can be processed, otherwise would have done it by now.

I'm just as worried that she'll just be mean or belligerent again as that she would cheat again (emotionally or physically). With cheating at least if you catch the person you can leave.

She offered me the complete transparency thing, actually. She said if I take her back she won't travel anymore, that I can have total access to her phone/online accounts, etc. But I don't want all that. I hated going through her stuff, it made me sick to my stomach, I don't want to need to keep doing that.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Less than two years into your marriage she cheated with two different men?

Uh uh.


Find a nice Canadian girl to settle down with. Dump Cali girl.
She says she didn't sleep with either of them. She says with Guy A it was an emotional affair and with Guy B she was just acting stupid. And that in both cases she's ashamed embarrassed regrets it etc etc.
 

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I voted no.

If you had children I might rethink that but you don't. She could have changed. But is it a permanent change. That's always the question when you R.
 

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Separated. My lawyer told me we have to be separated 12 months before the divorce can be processed, otherwise would have done it by now.

I'm just as worried that she'll just be mean or belligerent again as that she would cheat again (emotionally or physically). With cheating at least if you catch the person you can leave.

She offered me the complete transparency thing, actually. She said if I take her back she won't travel anymore, that I can have total access to her phone/online accounts, etc. But I don't want all that. I hated going through her stuff, it made me sick to my stomach, I don't want to need to keep doing that.
You don't have to give the chance, OP. You can just proceed with the divorce if you want.

She may struggle with being accountable on her own. If you don't want to help her, it might be best to let her go.
 

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Well it's up to you mate, as for the transparency, personally I wouldn't give a sh-t either about her stuff - except for her willingness or not to offer it - whether she still plans on hiding or whether she's genuine about re-building your trust.

This marriage is tainted and forever the trust will never be 100%, there will be challenges, old and new and more now especially when it comes to surviving her infidelity which will haunt you for years to come. You have to decide whether she's capable of enduring it, whether you are capable of enduring it or would she take you for granted again once she becomes comfortable and content? And if the weight of those memories of her with two other men will be too much to bear for the rest of your life?

You know your wife best, it's up to you mate.

Personally though, I wouldn't tell her I would forgive her, that can't be made by a decision based on how she is right now; remorseful, world crashing down etc - of course she's acting this way, she got caught! Problem is, she got caught, she didn't come forward now did she?

I would forgive her if after a year (AFTER she moved to Vancouver + AFTER she offers transparency) she re-earns my trust and respect. But tis just me

She says she didn't sleep with either of them. She says with Guy A it was an emotional affair and with Guy B she was just acting stupid. And that in both cases she's ashamed embarrassed regrets it etc etc.
:rofl:
 

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The more I think about this, the more I think it is a bad idea. I don't think this would work out for you, OP.
 
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