Hi, sitting here after a big blowout with husband. Marriage is just awful..we are really just roommates that fight every day. We have always fought about money, he refuses to share any, and does not let me have access to his accounts, etc. I always worked part time, paid my own way, paid for all of the food, health and dental coverage, etc,. Husband was always emotionally distant, not involved with kids. I can remember so many nights when our kids were little and he would argue with me for hours over sex. I was always exhausted and resentful because he was never around to help. I will admit, I was extremely overwhelmed with two young kids, husband always seemed disgusted by this.
He then started playing poker, 3-4 days a week. I wound up having a brief affair, huge mistake, regret it every day. The affair of course made everything even worse. A few years ago he screamed at me to get the f*** away from him in a restaurant. I was so embarrassed and walked home. (3 miles). I went to a lawyer, went back to work full time. Husband was telling me that I needed to f*** him at least 2x a week in order for him to help me out at all. He also insisted I give him $600 a month or else he would not help watch our kids. He is self employed and makes his own hours. Once he found out I went to a lawyer (he had a GPS under my car) he refused to help pay for anything.
It's been the same fight now for years. I gave him that money for two years, pushed myself to be intimate with him because he constantly threatened me.
Finally I told him I was done. I was not going to be with him unless he started treating me like a wife.. He constantly refers to the affair and how I "acted like a "*****" so that's how I get treated. Meanwhile I have caught him responding to ads posted by women looking for casual flings. He denies it went any further.
We are on month 4 of no sex. Some days he follows me around, grabbing me, other days he tells me, don't flatter yourself, I don't want sex. I'm starting to sense that he is now cheating, as he has a very high sex drive. I just feel numb/dead inside.
I just wanted a normal marriage/partnership and I just can't believe how bad it has gotten. I now have to do everything because he says I've chosen to be like this. I am always alone. My life is just work , errands, chores while he sleeps and goes out. He won't help pay for anything, but whenever I go shopping he eats everything I buy in two days so there's nothing for the kids. When I ask for help he says, why will you start f****** me if I help? So I choose to do everything on my own because I don't want to be treated like that, but now I'm so stressed, and more resentful than ever. Today I went food shopping, put up Christmas lights outside, decorated house, did laundry, made dinner, cleaned kitchen, all by myself. He watched tv. He told me that if I continue like this he will not even get a Christmas tree or buy our kids any Christmas gifts(yes, they heard him say that). I have been going to a therapist for almost a year because I've had such a hard time making a decision. I have no self esteem, self respect, feel like a horrible mother for exposing my kids to this nonsense, so why can't I just end it? He has threatened he "is crazy, not sure if he can control his anger," etc.. which scared me, but i don't even care about that anymore. We tried marriage counseling several times, it hasn't worked. He admits he has money issues and doesn't think he can change it. He won't admit he has control or anger issues. I admit to my insecurities, self esteem issues, the affair.. But do I have to be punished for life??? He treated me bad before the affair anyway, once even went away for 3 days when I was pregnant and also had a 2 year old and he didn't call me once. There were some bright spots in the last 15 years, I do think there were times he tried, and I picked fights, but I really feel like I can't control my anger/resentment anymore.
I went back to a lawyer a few weeks ago, have the retainer agreement hidden in my car. I know a big part of the problem is my fear of being alone, plus i have hardly any family, on top of it, realizing I can't accept I played a part in ruining my marriage.
I'm just so tired of everything, even of just talking about this. I know I'm a good person, but he makes me feel so horrible and pathetic. Sorry this is so long, just needed to vent.
He then started playing poker, 3-4 days a week. I wound up having a brief affair, huge mistake, regret it every day. The affair of course made everything even worse. A few years ago he screamed at me to get the f*** away from him in a restaurant. I was so embarrassed and walked home. (3 miles). I went to a lawyer, went back to work full time. Husband was telling me that I needed to f*** him at least 2x a week in order for him to help me out at all. He also insisted I give him $600 a month or else he would not help watch our kids. He is self employed and makes his own hours. Once he found out I went to a lawyer (he had a GPS under my car) he refused to help pay for anything.
It's been the same fight now for years. I gave him that money for two years, pushed myself to be intimate with him because he constantly threatened me.
Finally I told him I was done. I was not going to be with him unless he started treating me like a wife.. He constantly refers to the affair and how I "acted like a "*****" so that's how I get treated. Meanwhile I have caught him responding to ads posted by women looking for casual flings. He denies it went any further.
We are on month 4 of no sex. Some days he follows me around, grabbing me, other days he tells me, don't flatter yourself, I don't want sex. I'm starting to sense that he is now cheating, as he has a very high sex drive. I just feel numb/dead inside.
I just wanted a normal marriage/partnership and I just can't believe how bad it has gotten. I now have to do everything because he says I've chosen to be like this. I am always alone. My life is just work , errands, chores while he sleeps and goes out. He won't help pay for anything, but whenever I go shopping he eats everything I buy in two days so there's nothing for the kids. When I ask for help he says, why will you start f****** me if I help? So I choose to do everything on my own because I don't want to be treated like that, but now I'm so stressed, and more resentful than ever. Today I went food shopping, put up Christmas lights outside, decorated house, did laundry, made dinner, cleaned kitchen, all by myself. He watched tv. He told me that if I continue like this he will not even get a Christmas tree or buy our kids any Christmas gifts(yes, they heard him say that). I have been going to a therapist for almost a year because I've had such a hard time making a decision. I have no self esteem, self respect, feel like a horrible mother for exposing my kids to this nonsense, so why can't I just end it? He has threatened he "is crazy, not sure if he can control his anger," etc.. which scared me, but i don't even care about that anymore. We tried marriage counseling several times, it hasn't worked. He admits he has money issues and doesn't think he can change it. He won't admit he has control or anger issues. I admit to my insecurities, self esteem issues, the affair.. But do I have to be punished for life??? He treated me bad before the affair anyway, once even went away for 3 days when I was pregnant and also had a 2 year old and he didn't call me once. There were some bright spots in the last 15 years, I do think there were times he tried, and I picked fights, but I really feel like I can't control my anger/resentment anymore.
I went back to a lawyer a few weeks ago, have the retainer agreement hidden in my car. I know a big part of the problem is my fear of being alone, plus i have hardly any family, on top of it, realizing I can't accept I played a part in ruining my marriage.
I'm just so tired of everything, even of just talking about this. I know I'm a good person, but he makes me feel so horrible and pathetic. Sorry this is so long, just needed to vent.
