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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, sitting here after a big blowout with husband. Marriage is just awful..we are really just roommates that fight every day. We have always fought about money, he refuses to share any, and does not let me have access to his accounts, etc. I always worked part time, paid my own way, paid for all of the food, health and dental coverage, etc,. Husband was always emotionally distant, not involved with kids. I can remember so many nights when our kids were little and he would argue with me for hours over sex. I was always exhausted and resentful because he was never around to help. I will admit, I was extremely overwhelmed with two young kids, husband always seemed disgusted by this.
He then started playing poker, 3-4 days a week. I wound up having a brief affair, huge mistake, regret it every day. The affair of course made everything even worse. A few years ago he screamed at me to get the f*** away from him in a restaurant. I was so embarrassed and walked home. (3 miles). I went to a lawyer, went back to work full time. Husband was telling me that I needed to f*** him at least 2x a week in order for him to help me out at all. He also insisted I give him $600 a month or else he would not help watch our kids. He is self employed and makes his own hours. Once he found out I went to a lawyer (he had a GPS under my car) he refused to help pay for anything.
It's been the same fight now for years. I gave him that money for two years, pushed myself to be intimate with him because he constantly threatened me.
Finally I told him I was done. I was not going to be with him unless he started treating me like a wife.. He constantly refers to the affair and how I "acted like a "*****" so that's how I get treated. Meanwhile I have caught him responding to ads posted by women looking for casual flings. He denies it went any further.
We are on month 4 of no sex. Some days he follows me around, grabbing me, other days he tells me, don't flatter yourself, I don't want sex. I'm starting to sense that he is now cheating, as he has a very high sex drive. I just feel numb/dead inside.
I just wanted a normal marriage/partnership and I just can't believe how bad it has gotten. I now have to do everything because he says I've chosen to be like this. I am always alone. My life is just work , errands, chores while he sleeps and goes out. He won't help pay for anything, but whenever I go shopping he eats everything I buy in two days so there's nothing for the kids. When I ask for help he says, why will you start f****** me if I help? So I choose to do everything on my own because I don't want to be treated like that, but now I'm so stressed, and more resentful than ever. Today I went food shopping, put up Christmas lights outside, decorated house, did laundry, made dinner, cleaned kitchen, all by myself. He watched tv. He told me that if I continue like this he will not even get a Christmas tree or buy our kids any Christmas gifts(yes, they heard him say that). I have been going to a therapist for almost a year because I've had such a hard time making a decision. I have no self esteem, self respect, feel like a horrible mother for exposing my kids to this nonsense, so why can't I just end it? He has threatened he "is crazy, not sure if he can control his anger," etc.. which scared me, but i don't even care about that anymore. We tried marriage counseling several times, it hasn't worked. He admits he has money issues and doesn't think he can change it. He won't admit he has control or anger issues. I admit to my insecurities, self esteem issues, the affair.. But do I have to be punished for life??? He treated me bad before the affair anyway, once even went away for 3 days when I was pregnant and also had a 2 year old and he didn't call me once. There were some bright spots in the last 15 years, I do think there were times he tried, and I picked fights, but I really feel like I can't control my anger/resentment anymore.
I went back to a lawyer a few weeks ago, have the retainer agreement hidden in my car. I know a big part of the problem is my fear of being alone, plus i have hardly any family, on top of it, realizing I can't accept I played a part in ruining my marriage.
I'm just so tired of everything, even of just talking about this. I know I'm a good person, but he makes me feel so horrible and pathetic. Sorry this is so long, just needed to vent.
 

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You are being abused, my lady. Terribly. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You're kids don't deserve to grow up in that kind of environment. Call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). They can help you find a women's shelter to go to for temporary safety until you can establish yourself away from him. They can also guide you as to how to get away from him safely. Take action IMMEDIATELY. You and your kids are in grave danger, IMO.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks... I have called the domestic violence hotline in the past, just always afraid to take it further. I know I have to, i just keep looking at my two children and know I need to do this. It's amazing how I can see other situations so clearly, but I'm in a fog when it comes to my own life. But, I know it has to end.
 

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Yep you need to leave.

You say that you are afraid to be alone. But you are really already alone as your husband left you a long time ago.... in his place is a monster. So kick the monster out.

You have done everything by yourself for years. Once you file for divorce he will finally have to give you child support and maybe even spousal support. Finally. Have your attorney file for those immediately. Give him the Christmas he deserves… by himself.

You do have family. Who do you think you kids are? They are your family.

Has he ever hit you or used any violence? Does he break things in anger? Hit walls etc? If he does, the next time call 911 and tell them this goes on all the time. Ask them to remove him from the home and not let him return.

You might want to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) so that you can record his anger and abuse. Do not let him know you are doing this. Keep copies of the recordings in a safe place so that he cannot destroy them. The tapes can be evidence if you need it to keep him out of the house.

You can start meeting people too and build a group of friends... check out Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup and find groups of other women with children to do things with. GEt out there and build your support system.

In the meantime stick around here and you can get a lot of the support you need.
 

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Listen...my abuser just walked out on me a month ago. No I don't have kids with him...but this fear u have...the being alone...I know EXACTLY how you feel...and it is a roller coaster...but hear me out...are u not in a roller coaster now? Do u think he will change? No family? You have kids! What are u teaching them? Grow up and be an abuser? Grow up and take abuse? Stop the maddness! I have no parents...no siblings....my kids are in their 20's living across the city and busy with their own lives...I AM INDEED ALONE! I go home to my pets. I have a little OLD house that needs maintenance (a guy)...and he just now cut me off financially....want a kicker in the stomach?.....I work with him. Yeeeah...so yanno what...take up ur cross and bear it like the rest of us victims of a abuse...meaning...take control because if you don't....ur life will indeed remain as is. I always lived walking on eggshells knowing at some point my ex was going to walk out on me....and he did. I hate it....but yanno what...today nobody called me names...nobody put me down...nobody told me I was worthless....and. it was a better day without him than any day with him. Leave him...restraining order....and figure out the rest one day at a time and keep coming to this forum. You will live.
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I wrote something about ur affair ...on my cell and it doesn't look like it posted. Gonna try again. Forgive yourself. Leave him...forgive yourself and start over. HE will never ever ever never not throw it in your face...he uses it as a tool to hurt you and guilt you. Forgive YOURSELF! I'm reading a book called "codependant no more"...and u and I are all over that book dealing with our abuser...etc...

And it really showed me how low my soon 2b ex made me feel.

One difficult day of 'being alone'....or 'dealing with change'...has been better than one damn day with some ********* putting me down...calling me names....and not excepting responsibility....
Chose life.
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you all so much for responding. Your posts are more helpful than months of therapy. It's just so helpful to hear from people that have gone through this. He has convinced me that I'm the problem, which I know is typical. This is been the hardest part to
deal with. My mother is still around, but has been mentally ill for much of her life..and has always refused to get help. My father (my rock) passed away. I have a brother in another state but he is so busy with his own life. Husband will constantly tell me I'm crazy and that I "get it from my mother" or that it "runs in MY family, not his". I'm going back to the lawyer that I went to a month ago this week again. I can't bear to live liike this anymore.
 

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Yay for going back to the lawyer! Be sure to call the domestic violence hotline too, I'm certain they're going to have tons of advice and help for you.

Stay strong! You're doing the right thing and I think both you and your kids are going to be so much happier very very soon!
 

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Thank you all so much for responding. Your posts are more helpful than months of therapy. It's just so helpful to hear from people that have gone through this. He has convinced me that I'm the problem, which I know is typical. This is been the hardest part to
deal with. My mother is still around, but has been mentally ill for much of her life..and has always refused to get help. My father (my rock) passed away. I have a brother in another state but he is so busy with his own life. Husband will constantly tell me I'm crazy and that I "get it from my mother" or that it "runs in MY family, not his". I'm going back to the lawyer that I went to a month ago this week again. I can't bear to live liike this anymore.
I'm seeing mine on saturday too... sucks...but it has to be done.. but yea...these passive aggressives will always point the fingers...unless they embrace they have the issue...which is rare...things will never change...and we will never ever see the man we thought was once our prince charming in the beginning... or during our honeymoon phases...those guys...weren't real. It was a lie.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Ok, everything is escalating again. I promised myself I wouldn't let the next time go. He asked to come to my therapy session tonight, mainly because he wanted to see how we would get thru Christmas?? I have an idea, just stop everything you're doing!! But that won't happen. Back in August I took both kids on a vacation. He decided he didn't want to go, complaining that he would have to spend money and not get sex. He did not even offer to take us to the airport or pick us up. Since then I haven't gone anywhere with him, even a movie. I went to visit my mother on Thanksgiving, he took the kids to his parents. So he is basically trying to bully me into being around on Christmas.
Last time I let him come to therapy he was so out of control that my therapist asked that he only come again if she has another therapist, another male, present. So, I honestly didn't even call her to see if he could go. I just don't see the point anymore. So, I told him I didn't call, that I just wanted to go by myself, etc. he insisted on coming and started walking towards the car. I said, NO, I really don't want you there. He then yelled, "you
F'ing motherf***** B!! Our 14 year old son was standing next to me. When I got back all the lights outside that I put up yesterday were taken apart. I tried to connect them again but he came outside and yelled, don't bother, I will just rip it apart. If you aren't going to spend Christmas with me then we aren't having Christmas at all. My son told him to stop, you're acting crazy, etc. his father turned around and said , you know what, F*** you too. I am just horrified, sick to my stomach. A few hours later I turned up the heat in the den..where I now sleep for the most part. He came running into the room and took the batteries out of the thermostat..and said, you want to sleep downstairs, have fun being cold now.
So ,now just sitting here wondering how to handle this. Not sure if I should go to police. Obvious verbal abuse, but no physical abuse this time. Not sure if I should hand him the lawyers business card. The lawyer suggested this and then said she would serve
"the other lawyer..to prevent husband from getting served like that.
Amazing, he can't bring himself to do the right thing even for his kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Totally agree..haven't seen the man I first met in about...13 years? He started changing when I was pregnant with our second child. After she was born he played video games for 3 months straight, in the den, with the lights off. One of my friends commented that it seemed like he was depressed..I was like... Ok I'm the one who had the baby!!! He really is now just a monster though.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Yay for going back to the lawyer! Be sure to call the domestic violence hotline too, I'm certain they're going to have tons of advice and help for you.

Stay strong! You're doing the right thing and I think both you and your kids are going to be so much happier very very soon!
I'm praying for this...I just want the best for them!!!!!!
 

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Ricki


what if we told you...you had a beautiful life ahead of you without that shmuck?


What if you got your smile back?



Sweetheart.
Get
away
from
that
cruelty.


YOU DO DESERVE BETTER.
do not look back.

love and peace
 
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