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My husband of 17 years is the meanest person I know. He's angry (family history of depression), intelligent, good job but has no friends. His tone of voice is monotone and you would perceive him as being stuck on himself or a know-it-all thinking everyone is below him. Never, ever smiles and rarely laughs. I'm the complete opposite. I am repulsed by him because of this. I'm tired of covering up for his rudeness. I really want him to be happy so am giving it one last try. Have 3 kids, youngest 8 - his son from prev. marriage doesn't speak to him and our 16 yr old doesn't either. Last visit to couples therapist I point blank said put him on meds. She of course laughed at me (what gives me the right to diagnose) - but did ask him to come in for private sessions to work on his issues before beginning w/ ours - this happened 2x in the course of 2 years. He took St. Johns wort - claiming this is what he needed (wrong). He blames his attitude (which he thinks is fine) on my lack of affection. How can I be affectionate to someone so angry. It's cause and effect, I don't hug him when he comes thru the door, he doesn't speak to me sometimes for weeks at a time. It's been a pattern for 16 years. I've tried the hugging thing only to give up because he's so mean.

Thought about intense couples therapy (for 2 full days vs weekly) and he agreed because I threatened divorce AGAIN, but how do I address my thoughts on him going on meds for his angriness with the counselors. Is it depression or is it just his horrible personality? Is therapy worth the $2000 or should I just put it towards a good lawyer?
 

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Sorry, but if he has always been like this he is unlikely to change. Meds might be a answer but if he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him he won't take them. This is not normal behavior and not speaking to your spouse for weeks on end is not the sign of a healthy relationship. Wish I could say more but this is beyond my experience. Good luck on which ever you decide.
 

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He blames his attitude (which he thinks is fine) on my lack of affection.
This sounds contradictory to me. If he believes his attitude is fine, he wouldn't need to find something to blame it on. I think he knows it isn't fine, and maybe needs to feel love/affection the same way you do but is afraid to invest himself for a temporary fix (as you have already tried yourself). Rather than focus on what he isn't doing as far as love/affection, talk to him about how you are feeling. See if he will open up about how he feels and whether you both still want to re-connect. If he cannot come around and speak calmly with you without attacking you (assuming you go to him without putting him on the defensive) then at least you can do what you need to knowing you did everything you could.
 

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Sad thing is a lot of what you describe is me!

For years I am convinced now after finally after years of my wife's begging me I started an antidepressant. I now see what all my blow ups and fits of anger have done to my children and my wife. The other sad thing is that it may be too late to fix it. Until recently did I realize how far back the depression really went.

Get him to a doctor and give him the chance to make a change if he will try. I just keep praying that my wife will have just a little more patience for me to fix what took me 18 years to screw up.:(
 

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Wow - so he's been this way for 16 out of the 17 years you've been married??? Has there ever been a time when things were different between you, even if it a long time ago? If so, there is hope there somewhere. Depression can do quite a number on relationships - if that's what's going on for him. You're right, it becomes a cycle of behavior where both people end up feeling unloved. He acts mean and you reject.

If he's truly clinically depressed one would hope that he would see the benefit of getting a hold of if for the sake of you, the family and mostly himself. If he's not interested, I hate to say it but it doesn't look good. :(

Good luck...
 

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I am a person that believes that you should explore all other avenues before you prescribe psych drugs. My husband is a physican and I am a nurse. I believe that environment and neurotoxins can play havoc on your brain. I know that you can have neurological problems that can increase your anger and rage. Hormonal imbalances can cause you uncontrollable anger, anxiety and depression. If you have allergies to certain foods they are finding links with the inflammatory reaction throughout your whole body. (That is what happened to us with our toxic mold, our inflammatory response went out of whack and we became reactive to all sorts of chemicals including food. We had our alleries test after that, finding that we had chronic allergies to soy, wheat, legumes. After ingesting any of these foods they reacted on our brain and other systems of our bodies. (all 6 in our family react, we have seen a neurologist that found the same abnormalities in all our neurological function test that his facility performed and he links them with the mycotoxins given off by the toxic mold in our home) Eating any of the foods I mentioned increases irritability, anger, depression and anxiety. I would look into someone that deals with patients on a neuropsychological level, not just someone that wants to stick you on a drug. I have never been prescribed anti-anxiety, anti-depressants or any other neuro effecting drugs for our exposure to the neurotoxins. They were pretty intense symptoms too. Explosive anger, anxiety that caused pacing and fear, depression with a feeling of not feeling love for anyone. For us it was a change of the food that we became hypersensitive to, and getting adequate exercise and rest. Exercise is the key to increase your own endorphins. Drinking adequate water and eating more fruits and vegetables. Decreasing the amount of process foods and red meats which can cause inflammation in your body and increasing our cold fish intake for the omega 3's that help. This is just what happened in my family and the things we did to help us. I didn't know if you looked at this environmentally.
 
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