[Sammy100]

Hi there- my H and I have been fighting for 2 yrs now, I want a divorce but each time i say this my H says no and we should work things out and that he loves me....but the rest of the time he does not talk to me, is not affectionate, does not contribute to finances of our life, would rather just sit at home or see his friends, he never wants to do anything together- it is messing with my head...why doesn't he just leave!?!?!

 

[Broken at 20]

He doesn't contrbute to the finances? So does he even have a job? He doesn't provide you any love. I assume he also doesn't do the cooking, cleaning, or any of the house chores.
So what does he do?
Sit on the couch all day playing Skyrim?

Did you marry a loser? Or a guy that turned into a loser?

 

[kipani]

Just apply for the divorce. He's just there for the comfort. Actions speak louder than words after all.

 

[Sammy100]

I don't think i married a loser- but now i don't know if he was just nice to wooo me so to speak- sorry i should clarify as that makes him sound worse than he is - he pays half mortgage that is it. we do not have joint finances/savings...i pay for all presents for family and friends for all stuff for the house etx..i think he has changed and i think i have changed him but i don't know what i have done wrong and he never tells me...he likes to be by himself or see his friends- all the things like 180 that would be exactly what he wants for me to leave him alone....i have tried asking him what is wrong/what have i done? ive said to him the things that would make it better- its not even about the money- but talking to me, an occasional compliment, or hug that is all free, i am tired of always thinking this is just his personality...i don't want such a lonely life anymore....but i don't get why doesn't he just go??

 

[SadSamIAm]

Hi there- my H and I have been fighting for 2 yrs now, I want a divorce but each time i say this my H says no and we should work things out and that he loves me....but the rest of the time he does not talk to me, is not affectionate, does not contribute to finances of our life, would rather just sit at home or see his friends, he never wants to do anything together- it is messing with my head...why doesn't he just leave!?!?!

I was going to comment about 'why would he leave' when he doesn't have to contribute to finances. Seems so obvious.

Then I realized that I am in pretty much the same situation.

I have a wife who isn't affectionate and doesn't contribute to finances. She would rather work out and clean our house than spend quality time with me.

Why doesn't my wife leave? Why doesn't your husband leave?

In my situation, it is pretty clear that it is finances. And the kids.

 

[Sammy100]

He would say 'it is not very comfortable for him me moaning/crying all time' -i am not mind-reading this is what he says to me all the time....but it would be so easy for him to make things a little better- but he just does not....the hardest thing is he is not a mean person, does not drink or beat me or cheat etc...but i know not talking or being physical for 6mths is not normal either

 

[Sammy100]

Sadsam- sorry he does pay half the mortgage sorry but that is it! he has money he pays mortgage as needs to live here too but that is all he does - he has a good job but does not spend the money on the house or me (that makes me sound like i want money i don't really) just hurts when i am generous to him

 

[kipani]

Did you ever actually talk to him about it?

 

[Sammy100]

all the time- i bet he is sick of me talking about it...to give an example...i said we seem so distant from each other you don't talk to me or ask me to do anything we have not done anything together for 3 mths- you have even stopped putting a 'x' in any texts you send - yet it does not go in- he doenst put the X such a small thing he could do that would mean world to me but he doesn't care...i don't want to play games like 180--

 

[kipani]

Hmm.. Sorry to sound a little suspicious but are his games online? A lot of emotional affairs start online with other girls. They've wrecked a lot of relationships on this website and many are still recovering. Do you feel anything 'off' ?

 

[trex]

I have little idea what's in your husbands head, but there are elements that you're describing that I can relate to and may be able to offer a perspective.

I've reached a point in my marriage where I'm pretty fed up with quite a few things. I'm a fiercely introverted and independent person by nature, and my first reaction is to naturally do my own thing that leave the whole hassle alone. (I'm not reacting like this for many reasons, but that's another story)

However, we have two young kids at home. My wife stays home with them. My sense of responsibility to them would prevent me from leaving for the foreseeable future.

We have a nice home, and I would not be able to afford nearly the lifestyle I do now if we were to separate.

I have considered the prospect of just maintaining more of a "business marriage" should we not be able to work things out to my satisfaction. It would involve all of us staying in the house, our finances remaining essentially the same, but we would be acting as roommates in terms of living arrangements. (again, not saying that I'd advocate this, it was a reaction and thought process I followed some time back). If my wife and I were to split, I would really not be interested in pursuing any other relationships for a long time.

Your husband may have given up on the relationship and for whatever reason feels that it's better to simply stay in a loveless business arrangement than to go elsewhere.

I don't know that I've seen you describe his specific response when you've confronted him on this. You say, "what's happening with you/us?" and he says....

 

[Sammy100]

Hey Trex thanks so much for a guys view- he is very introverted too (his friends have said he rarely says a lot) but wen he met me he was really chatty and attentive ( i would never have had a relationship with the man he is now) i feel tricked in way

our typical chats are like this
me: hows things
h: good
me: cool, how was work
h: yeh good
me: erm ok
then i will sit for a bit - go read and come back and he will sit in silence
me: don't you want to chat
h: yeh

or
h: I'm going out on thurs
me: cool
me: shall we do something this week
h: yeh ok
me: wat
h: not sure will let you know

me: shall we go and see a band
h: no
me: why not?
h: i don't like them
me: well come and have a beer it will be fun
h: no thanks

or if i say - we have not chatted in 2 days or you never want to go anywhere with me he just says "its all my fault is it, never yours"
i want to scream yes it is!! but try and stay calm

if i never moaned or brought stuff up we would have no arguments - he never complains about me and what i do - it is always me

i am starting to think i should just shut up and accept this is him - he doesn't beat me or drink so i guess i should be lucky- but i feel so horrendously alone and sad all the time - i have no confidence anymore and most of all i don't know what to do to make it better- other than leave him alone and let him do what he wants - which leaves me miserable

i just sound needy and stupid all the time don't i

 

[thunderstruck]

He is choosing not to leave b/c his needs are being met in the marriage at some minimum level. He also believes that you won't leave him, so he has zero incentive to change.

File on him.

 

[trex]

wen he met me he was really chatty and attentive ( i would never have had a relationship with the man he is now) i feel tricked in way

This is completely natural for us introverted types. We have episodes of coming out of our shell under certain conditions. I think the main thing is that we (or at least I) need a certain amount of quiet, non-talking/interacting time in my day. I almost need to budget where I spend my interactions. If I get involved in an engaging conversation with someone, I enjoy it but I still need a break later. Conversations that don't interest me really drain me. He sounds like he's in a "mood" when it comes to your relationship and anything you say may be in that uber-draining category.

What you can do is try to find that connection to make it interesting and engaging to him. It'll break down his resistance and get him out of his shell. Once he's out, it'll be easier to (gently) address the things that are bothering you. I'll give you a hint: general questions ("how's things") are going to come across as tedious to him. Instead, in casual conversation he'll respond to specifics much better.

h: I'm going out on thurs
me: cool
me: shall we do something this week
h: yeh ok
me: wat
h: not sure will let you know

me: shall we go and see a band
h: no
me: why not?
h: i don't like them
me: well come and have a beer it will be fun
h: no thanks

I understand that you'd like to get him engaged and give him the opportunity to do something that he'd like to do, but asking him out and then putting the responsibility to figure out what to do on the spot probably turned him off. It was good that you followed up with a specific, but you probably already lost him at that point. Suggesting specific up front are a good way to go. If he's checked out, he may not go for anything, but you chances are much better to suggest something specific you know he enjoys.

or if i say - we have not chatted in 2 days or you never want to go anywhere with me he just says "its all my fault is it, never yours"
i want to scream yes it is!! but try and stay calm

He's deflecting, and that's infuriating, but your also putting him on the defensive. Even if he is 100% to blame, be open to sharing that blame a little. If we're being honest with ourselves, we all have a role to play in these situations. Keep working on this conversation to get to the root of the issue, but keep it constructive and positive. Let him know that you want to get to a good, fun place in your relationship, it's not there right now (again, not judgmental, just stating a fact), and your looking for ways to help. There's a root cause here somewhere and he may not be able to articulate it (it took me years to understand what was wrong in my relationship at a deep enough level to want to talk about it)

The "it's all my fault" line is his dysfunctional way of telling you that he has a beef with you that he's either trying to work out in his head, he's not ready to express, or is just so far gone that he doesn't want to tell you about. Your dysfunctional response is that it is *all* his fault. Know that he may very well have a legitimate issue somewhere deep down.

Ask him if he's happy with how things are. If he says, "yeah, sure" then give some examples, "we just don't seem to interact anymore. There's no intimacy..." etc (I'm making stuff up here) "is that okay with you? is that what you want?" Hopefully you can dig some stuff out of him and respond from there. Again, DON'T ATTACK.

If you can get him to openly address the "what do you want out of our relationship?" questions then you're doing well. If he's unwilling to answer and unwilling to think about it then you have your answer: he's checked out.

i am starting to think i should just shut up and accept this is him - he doesn't beat me or drink so i guess i should be lucky- but i feel so horrendously alone and sad all the time - i have no confidence anymore and most of all i don't know what to do to make it better- other than leave him alone and let him do what he wants - which leaves me miserable

Accepting that this is the way he is and accepting that this is what makes you happy are two different things. I know that I come off as distant and aloof. I make an effort to show closeness and engagement with my wife to compensate. Your guy may not be willing to make the effort.

If he does make the effort, try not to abuse the situation by selfishly yammering on about something that will make him regret his efforts. I'm not saying you do this, I'm just warning to tread lightly.

If he wants an engaging and vital relationship, he'll make the effort. If he doesn't, he'll evade you. It may require an ultimatum for him to snap out of it and realize what's going on.

Back to your original question, a guy like this will put his head down and slog through an unhappy marriage until he either can't take any more or figures out an alternative. He may never reach either of these.

You're probably thinking to yourself "ugh, this is f'd". It can be hard to get through to the silent types. Like I said, if he wants this, you'll see his energy change. Then again, you may just decide that it's not worth your effort.

 

[Syrum]

I think it's incredibly cruel and selfish to marry someone then withdraw.

Even if you have resentments - they need to be worked through, we all get them.

Even if you have a personality type that is very introverted, you must make an effort in your marriage.

I think you need to shock him into either changing or if that doesn't work, just moving on. He's being selfish and it is deeply hurtful to you. You don't have to live like that.

 

[COguy]

I could give long drawn out advice but here's my take:

1. Write him a letter, tell him clearly what you expect with no hinting around. "I want you to spend an hour a day talking to me." "I want you to plan one date a week where we go out." "I want you to buy me one thoughtful gift a month", whatever. Tell him that if he does not start meeting your needs, you are going to leave.

2. Give him a defined period of time to work on this, one month, whatever.

3. If he doesn't get the hint, which he probably won't, then give him the papers on that date and start moving out.

At that time he will either get the hint, or you'll need to move on anyway.

 

[Sammy100]

Hey Trex- thanks for taking time to write such a long reply!! (i don't get notifications so didn't know there were replies here) a lot of what you say is sooo true!! but it is so hard to not be on the attack all the time as nothing gets through to him...we sleep in separate rooms as i walked out of marital bedroom after a row and now have been in separate rooms for 4mths! i maybe being silly woman but surely a bloke would wana sleep with this wife--when i bring it up he says you left in first place which is true but thats because we had been rowing- he makes no effort to sleep in same room-- yesterday he actually knocked on the door to say 'good night' how messed up is that- why doesn't he just leave! i can't leave as am too scared that i will regret it and he will meet someone else!!

 

[SadSamIAm]

If you walked out of the marital bedroom, then it is up to to go back. He shouldn't have to come to 'your' room.

I am a bit like your husband (and many men I believe) in that I don't talk much. My day to day work is quite boring (dealing with programmers/clients) and quite technical. When something happens at work, I sometimes think, I have to remember to tell my wife about this. It doesn't come naturally.

But if we have a couple of hours together in bed, making love and being close, I open up. I don't really understand it, but when we are cuddling after sex, many things come to my mind to share with my wife. Sometimes she gets upset, saying things like " Why didn't you tell me that before?". It isn't that I was being secretive about anything, just that I never thought to share the information.

What I don't understand, is that my wife knows this. We have talked about it often. Yet, she doesn't put any effort into ensuring that we have quality time (sex) together.

Not sure if you husband is the same or not. Maybe in a certain environment, you will find your husband open up to you. Maybe if you got involved in a hobby with him. Just spending more time together might make it happen.

 

[Sammy100]

Hey Sam- i don't know maybe it is my responsibility to go back- but i left the room as it felt fake to sleep in the same bed when he was not speaking or touching me...guess i wanted to get a reaction out of him and more fool me..he seems to like separate rooms as our marital bedroom now resembles a single mans room....wen i have ventured back in there he just lies there like a brick i have to say can i have a hug...in fact the more i write what i am going thru out on this forum more i sound like an idiot just clawing for his attention - i wish i had bottle to leave him....i could certainly keep him company on his hobbies but it is all so one-sided-- he will be happy then but it is all on his terms, what about doing something i like??? i think it is all a big cycle you are not very chatty (which may come across as distant) your wife will in turn not want to be physical with you....its all so hard for everyone to be happy

 

[SadSamIAm]

Hey Sam- i don't know maybe it is my responsibility to go back- but i left the room as it felt fake to sleep in the same bed when he was not speaking or touching me...guess i wanted to get a reaction out of him and more fool me..he seems to like separate rooms as our marital bedroom now resembles a single mans room....wen i have ventured back in there he just lies there like a brick i have to say can i have a hug...in fact the more i write what i am going thru out on this forum more i sound like an idiot just clawing for his attention - i wish i had bottle to leave him....i could certainly keep him company on his hobbies but it is all so one-sided-- he will be happy then but it is all on his terms, what about doing something i like??? i think it is all a big cycle you are not very chatty (which may come across as distant) your wife will in turn not want to be physical with you....its all so hard for everyone to be happy

Everyone has different needs. The way it is supposed to work, is that you are supposed to find out what makes him feel loved and do it. When his needs are being met, he is supposed to care about your needs and put effort into that.

My wife likes the house tidy. I don't particularly care, but I empty the dishwasher when it is done. I put the dirty dishes in after (even though I apparently do it wrong). I wipe the counters if I see they need it. I do these things because I am trying to make her happy. Part of the reason is because I want her to also make me happy. I also put in an effort to talk to her more, it just doesn't come naturally to me.

What makes no sense to me is that if she wants me to open up, she knows exactly how to do that. Both our needs can be met very naturally.

Go back to your bedroom. Don't ask for a hug. Just do it.