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I found out yesterday my wife of 12 years, 17 years altogether. Had sex with another man. While I was out of the country 4 weeks ago.

I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".

She replied. We'll talk tonight. And left for work.

I went the work also. But broke down and got permission to have the afternoon off. As I could not concentrate.

So she eventually arrived home and we went upstairs to talk, away from our two children.

She confessed that she had had sex. I thought a one night stand! Okay after 17 years a blip. But no, she actually went sober to the guys house to have sex.

She felt guilty afterwards, and knew she was in the wrong but did it anyway.

She has been racked with guilt ever since. And has been trying to tell me since I returned from my trip.

My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.

But. During our talk she admitted to feeling different towards me for about 2 months.

I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.

Of course I'm in bits. I feel she has already decided it was an unforgivable act. She says she wants to make our relationship work.

I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.
 

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Have you let her know that if the marriage has any chance at all she needs to cut off contact completely? Has she agreed to this? I can't tell from the details you've given whether she told you because she is actually remorseful or because you caught her texting. I wouldn't assume that you have the whole story yet, there's more she isn't telling you about.
 

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I caught her texting very late at night.
She did not confess until you caught her. This could have been going on for quite a while, it could still have gone on for quite a while if you hadn't caught her.

She confessed that she had had sex.
At least she came clean. Or at least told you she had sex once. Probably a lot more she didn't tell you.

I thought a one night stand! Okay after 17 years a blip. But no, she actually went sober to the guys house to have sex.
Probably a lot more than once.

But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.
Yeah right she has no idea why it worked. She was totally caught up in his magic spell and didn't even realize it was happening until after it was over, that one and only time.

Believe that to be the truth at your own peril.

I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.
Unfortunately that was not a good response. It's weak, enabling, and sends her the message that she can get away with this sort of behavior, and makes you even less attractive to her.

A much better response even if not truly how you feel would be to kick her out and tell her the marriage is probably over but you'll give it some serious thought and get back to her.
 

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You don't want to live without her because you don't know what other possibilities are out there. You're afraid you can't do better. But you can.
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You don't want to live without her because you don't know what other possibilities are out there. You're afraid you can't do better. But you can.
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:iagree:


The sooner you realize this the better off you'll be. She needs to have this fact thrown in her face for a while before you even begin to think about forgiving her.
 

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You might consider changing your username. Nice guys DO finish last. Trust me. My ex wife told me I was too nice. Download and read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and 'Married Man's Sex Life' (not really a sex manual, but a how to be a guy that women are attracted to manual.)

I'm sorry that you're here.
 

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I found out yesterday my wife of 12 years, 17 years altogether. Had sex with another man. While I was out of the country 4 weeks ago.

I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".

She replied. We'll talk tonight. And left for work.

I went the work also. But broke down and got permission to have the afternoon off. As I could not concentrate.

So she eventually arrived home and we went upstairs to talk, away from our two children.

She confessed that she had had sex. I thought a one night stand! Okay after 17 years a blip. But no, she actually went sober to the guys house to have sex.

She felt guilty afterwards, and knew she was in the wrong but did it anyway.

She has been racked with guilt ever since. And has been trying to tell me since I returned from my trip.

My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.

But. During our talk she admitted to feeling different towards me for about 2 months.

I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.

Of course I'm in bits. I feel she has already decided it was an unforgivable act. She says she wants to make our relationship work.

I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.
Niceguy, sorry this is happening to you and your family. It is obvious to me that your wife has some serious personal issues that will need to be dealt with before anything positive can come out of this mess. Hopefully she isn't in a deep fog and will agree to get the help she needs. I'd also recommend you read as much as you can here on TAM -- you will find information that may help you.
 

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My wife 8 years was visiting young OM also just to get her self satisfied sexually. I had some premature problem and couldn't satisfied my wife and she end Up cheating. Now improving with some medication. I thought was rock bottom when I found out but she came clean and actually our relationship has improved recently. So I just want to tell hope is still there my friend!
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She confessed that she had had sex.

She felt guilty afterwards, and knew she was in the wrong but did it anyway.

She has been racked with guilt ever since. And has been trying to tell me since I returned from my trip.

My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.

Mr. Nice Guy why does it matter that your wife is attractive. She was unfaithful to you. Now she is an attractive cheater.
 

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Your screen name along with your reaction to her "confession" ("I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage. I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.") are indicators of part of the problem as well.

Nice Guy Syndrome + co-dependance = a woman who is not going to be attracted to her husband.

Sorry for what you're going through.
 
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I hope you've had a look at her phone to see who else she might be texting.

Please do have a look at the newbie link already suggested. There is a LOT you need to know here. And you should get STD tested asap.

I am so, so sorry she did this to you.
 

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My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.
Why do so many BS here feel the need to bring up how hot/attractive their cheating wife is?? Just curious. It's something I've noticed lately.

And how do you know she's never strayed in 17 years? Because she told you so? At this point you can't believe anything she tells you.
 

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I found out yesterday my wife of 12 years, 17 years altogether. Had sex with another man. While I was out of the country 4 weeks ago.

I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".

She replied. We'll talk tonight. And left for work.

I went the work also. But broke down and got permission to have the afternoon off. As I could not concentrate.

So she eventually arrived home and we went upstairs to talk, away from our two children.

She confessed that she had had sex. I thought a one night stand! Okay after 17 years a blip. But no, she actually went sober to the guys house to have sex.

A ONS stand is not a blip. Being married longer makes the betrayal worse. But yeah she specifically chose to do this.

She felt guilty afterwards, and knew she was in the wrong but did it anyway.

Right. She new what she was doing. Having sex with this guy was more important to her. Is there something about you that led her believe you would be ok with this if she was caught?

She has been racked with guilt ever since. And has been trying to tell me since I returned from my trip.

My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.

This may not be her first redeo. This is just the first time you caught her. What are the odds? But good looking is no excuse to spread ones legs to another. Her being good looking does not mean you have to accept this.

But. During our talk she admitted to feeling different towards me for about 2 months.

Right this is part of the deal. The history re-writing the justification for spreading her legs. A safety mechanism. She has to stop caring for you soe she can give a guy what she promised only to her husband. But think about it. he pout in his dues. have you put any more effort into her than he has?
Oh wait, he put in zero work. But he gets to take your wife. I see.

I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.

Wow. How many seconds did that take? You forgave her immediatly. That is a huge display of low value. Desperate. Needy and weak. I bet the guy she had sex with is not that way.

Of course I'm in bits. I feel she has already decided it was an unforgivable act. She says she wants to make our relationship work.

I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.

The marriage you knew is gone for ever. If you R you will have to define it from the ashes. She is not your rock. That woman either never existed or no longer does.

Do you have children?


Where is your boundary? Are you ok with her continuign to do this with him or other men? Are you ok with an open marriage. Why after doing this should she stop doing this? What has changed that she now intends to be a faithful wife? Where are the consequnces? I am talking about accountability.

Instigation -- She got picked up by a guy the GYM.
Isolation -- You were gone.
Escalation -- She went ot his place to have sex.

How many times did she do this? How many other men has she done this with? You do not know.

She got caught. She was continuing the relationship behind your back.
 

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Re: Re: Worse day of my life

I found out yesterday my wife of 12 years, 17 years altogether. Had sex with another man. While I was out of the country 4 weeks ago.

I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".

She replied. We'll talk tonight. And left for work.

I went the work also. But broke down and got permission to have the afternoon off. As I could not concentrate.

So she eventually arrived home and we went upstairs to talk, away from our two children.

She confessed that she had had sex. I thought a one night stand! Okay after 17 years a blip. But no, she actually went sober to the guys house to have sex.

She felt guilty afterwards, and knew she was in the wrong but did it anyway.

She has been racked with guilt ever since. And has been trying to tell me since I returned from my trip.

My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.

But. During our talk she admitted to feeling different towards me for about 2 months.

I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.

Of course I'm in bits. I feel she has already decided it was an unforgivable act. She says she wants to make our relationship work.

I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.
Look this may have been her first affair but if you were out of the country dollars to donuts it was 10 times.

If you don't like to suffer do not get trickle truthed. Don't believe anything she says, it is all lies at this point. Have her swear on her mom's life or something and see if she waivers.
 
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