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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been married for 5 years. I thought we've had a good relationship so far. My wife has developed a friendship with a guy (Ryan) and I'm worried. A few months ago she started acting a little distant. I became worried and started going behind her reading her text messages. She deletes most of her texts cause she doesn't like stuff cluttered. This bothered me at first but she's always been like that with her emails too, even when she acted head over heels for me. Saw some texts to one of her girlfriends saying I was driving her nuts and she was considering a separation but she still loved me. I wasn't able to hide my sadness and we talked the next morning. I told her I was worried about her friendship with Ryan and how I thought it looked like it was developing into something more. She has a ridiculously busy schedule and really doesn't have the free time to physically cheat. She told me they were just friends and not to worry. I honestly think at that point she was being honest and I've been stuck in the friend zone before with women. I thought we were ok and went 2-3 weeks without reading her texts but was never able to shake the feeling that something wasn't right. One morning I read her texts while she was in the shower and saw where she told one of her girlfriends that she thought she was starting to like Ryan. She acknowledged that I'm a good guy and that she loved me but wondered about Ryan. The only thing that has helped me somewhat stay sane in the fact that he is really religious and still a virgin in his mid to late 20's. I don't think he knows she is starting to like him. Her friend (who is friends with Ryan and doesn't know me) said she's all for happy marriages but thought my wife should pursue things with Ryan. She then followed with not to take relationship advice from her cause she has not had a good track record with guys. My wife's response was that she worried about him being a virgin and joked about corrupting him. I haven't confronted her because I want her to still be somewhat relaxed about deleting her texts which it seems she mostly does in the mornings. I usually read her texts at night if when I wake up around 2-3 am. While she may have these feelings, she's really is a good person. We go to church weekly and both of us know the pain of being cheated on. Over the past week I've gone through a wave of emotions. I've been reading as much as I can about marriage advise and wonder if she's just not getting enough communication from me. I'm not a very talkative person and sometimes have a hard time talking about random stuff. Our sex life is I guess average as far as frequency. Usually once a week. But the sex is really good for both of us. I don't know what to do. I treat her like a queen. Sometimes I feel like she takes my kindness for granted.
 

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Here we go again.

Dude, she's having an emotional affair. First of all, quit treating her like a queen. Do your homework and read her texts, emails, Facebook, and put a VAR under her car seat to figure out what's really going on. Once you have irrefutable evidence then confront her with it. Go confront this guy Ryan about shmoozing with your wife too.

Man up and put a stop to this before it goes any further.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm reading her texts as much as I can as well as Facebook and emails. And tracking her phone. Made the mistake of not taking a screen shot of the mentioned texts to have as evidence. Won't make that mistake again. I've read many of the posts on this site about EAs. Worried I'll put him through a wall if I confront him in person.
 

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You need to move this over to coping with infidelity because you're wife is in an emotional affair, and she's already sizing the guy up to make it physical and to leave you.

1. You need to c-block her and ryan.
2. Get a read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
3. You also need to Read Married Man's Sex Life by Kay Athol ASAP!!!

Nip this in the bud fast and hard or you will soon see your marriage end.

your wife is already crossing boundaries a married woman should never cross, and she's got a toxic friend who's encouraging her.

4. you need to meet and get to know, in fact be buddies, with this toxic friend who is advising her to cheat.
 

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Do they also talk on the phone? If so you need a voice activated recorder in her car under the car seat secured with velcro.
 

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OK my friend ... listen up.

Your wife has no business having a friendship with this Ryan guy, much less entertaining having a relationship with him. As the others have said, this is an emotional affair she is entering into and this guy might not even know it. As far as I'm concerned you have enough information to confront her with the facts that you know what is going on in her mind about "Ryan" and she has to end all contact with him immediately, and you will help her achieve that goal by: blocking phone numbers (if necessary), ending phone or Internet services (if necessary) and letting the extended family know she is behaving inappropriately (with proof if necessary). Make sure you send yourself those text messages to hold as proof.

Second, contact that toxic POS girlfriend and tell her firmly that you want her to butt out of your marriage and stop encouraging your wife to have an affair. Tell her the proof you have that she has been interfering.

Finally, contact "Ryan". Let him know that if he wants to maintain good health, he is to avoid your wife at all costs. Don't ask him, tell him. AND, if you think there is any chance they may be together, you have to make sure you are there. You can not allow them to be alone together

If you do all these these things, you are protecting your marriage. Now your wife is not going to like this one bit because you are C0ckblocking her and she is going to call you controlling and fight you tooth and nail. Don't give a crap, you have to do it or she WILL be having sex with him. Mark my words.

Edit:
Worried I'll put him through a wall if I confront him in person.
Don't worry about that, sometimes it's necessary.
 

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Acting like a sad puppy won't fix anything, it will only make things worse..

Your wife does not respect you at all, not one bit..

Find your anger. What is a dealbreaker for you in a relationship ?

And what kind of phone does she have?

Do you have kids ?
 

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I'm reading her texts as much as I can as well as Facebook and emails. And tracking her phone. Made the mistake of not taking a screen shot of the mentioned texts to have as evidence. Won't make that mistake again. I've read many of the posts on this site about EAs. Worried I'll put him through a wall if I confront him in person.
You don't have to prove anything to anyone
 

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Her friend (who is friends with Ryan and doesn't know me) said she's all for happy marriages but thought my wife should pursue things with Ryan. .
Her friend has to go. I would call her toxic friend and tell her I saw the text she sent telling my wife to f*ck this Ryan guy (in those words), and tell her to take a hike. I would confront this boy toy guy to his face and ask him why he is getting so close to my wife.

I would then talk to my wife and give her an ultimatum, her toxic friend and her boy toy, or her marriage. I would also talk to the pastor of your church and tell him what is going on.

Act fast and act decisively, don't take any sh*t from any of them, and don't mince words. If the wife wants to deny and play games, don't have any of it. Go stay in a hotel for a couple days and let her think about it. Show her who the man is, YOU, not virgin boy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks for all the advice. We don't have kids and she has an iPhone. About a month ago I purchased the iPhone spy stick from brick house security but it won't work with the latest software update. You're right about acting like a sad puppy cause that's exactly how I feel. I guess the next step is talking with our priest and her mom as well as her.
 

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She has not taking the step to cheat. It is natural to have one's mind wonder and emotional affairs are not good, but if you love her, and it sounds like you do, talk with her. How you are going to casually say you have been invading her privacy and reading her private texts and messages will be awkward. Be ready for a fight back, reading someone's texts and emails without their consent is a slippery slope and she has a valid objection to you invading her privacy.
 

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Thanks for all the advice. We don't have kids and she has an iPhone. About a month ago I purchased the iPhone spy stick from brick house security but it won't work with the latest software update. You're right about acting like a sad puppy cause that's exactly how I feel. I guess the next step is talking with our priest and her mom as well as her.
Do not waste time and act today. Have that conversation with her right away, then you can see the Priest and "Mom". Remember a few things. If she has started to get her head into "Ryan", then this wont be easy. She will fight you. She won't want to talk to "Mom" or the Priest. This is her life and her business. Your just going to have to work through all that bull$hit. Also remember that in the end if your wife fights you tooth and nail, "Mom" will eventually take her side; it's her daughter and that's just the natural order of things. Get tough, you can't be passive and be firm in your resolve and what ever you do, get that toxic Girlfriend out of your wife's life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
She has not taking the step to cheat. It is natural to have one's mind wonder and emotional affairs are not good, but if you love her, and it sounds like you do, talk with her. How you are going to casually say you have been invading her privacy and reading her private texts and messages will be awkward. Be ready for a fight back, reading someone's texts and emails without their consent is a slippery slope and she has a valid objection to you invading her privacy.
I do love her and she found out I was reading her texts when I first suspected something. Stupid on my part for not being more stealthy. I know she'll be pissed about me doing it again but she is in the wrong for the EA.

Her "toxic friend" texted her this last night: "I would never actually want to be in a legit relationship with any of these people (married or in a relationship), its like I just want to see if I can get them to be interested even though they have a girlfriend/fiancé/are otherwise unavailable. I just get this huge feeling of accomplishment from it. I'm fully aware of how abnormal this is."
Wife's response: "lol...no I'm with you"
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Do not waste time and act today. Have that conversation with her right away, then you can see the Priest and "Mom". Remember a few things. If she has started to get her head into "Ryan", then this wont be easy. She will fight you. She won't want to talk to "Mom" or the Priest. This is her life and her business. Your just going to have to work through all that bull$hit. Also remember that in the end if your wife fights you tooth and nail, "Mom" will eventually take her side; it's her daughter and that's just the natural order of things. Get tough, you can't be passive and be firm in your resole and what ever you do, get that toxic Girlfriend out of your wife's life.
While mom may eventually take her side, I have an awesome relationship with my mother in law. Her mom will definitely take my side to start. She may be mad at her mom at first but they will talk about it. Her and her mom are practically joined at the hip.
 

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Her "toxic friend" texted her this last night: "I would never actually want to be in a legit relationship with any of these people (married or in a relationship), its like I just want to see if I can get them to be interested even though they have a girlfriend/fiancé/are otherwise unavailable. I just get this huge feeling of accomplishment from it. I'm fully aware of how abnormal this is."
Wife's response: "lol...no I'm with you"
This all sounds very dangerous to me. Don't procrastinate. What starts as innocent and playful can become emotional, addictive, sexual, consuming and damaging. I can point you to 100 posts that started like yours that eventually became sexual because of procrastination.
 

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Be ready for a fight back, reading someone's texts and emails without their consent is a slippery slope and she has a valid objection to you invading her privacy.
I'm going to disagree. Although conventional wisdom and many courts will say that she has the expectation of privacy, the truth is that in a marriage, there is no real expectation of privacy. Not only SHOULD you be an open book, but the shear fact of the shared living and property arrangements, you ARE an open book.
 

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My take, tell her directly, either she stops all contact with this guy, or you walk. You have to be prepared to actually do it, as well. You also need to deal with her "friend", who is actively trying to undermine your marriage.

Make it crystal clear you find her behavior unacceptable, and what the consequences are if she doesn't change it.
 
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