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Discussion Starter #22
This would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic.
You have a vision of yourself that I’m not sure anyone else shares.
You are almost fifty years old and you are bragging about yourself like an eighteen year old who’s just discovered tinder.
I appreciate you saying I’m perfect, it’s sounds better than having to say it myself. But no, I’ve never been tempted. I got my sexual shenanigans out of my system when I was single. I’m married now and I don’t feel the need to try and make my wife jealous by flirting with someone else.
And I have enough respect for my wife and myself not to get myself into situations like you described.
a) You need to stop White-Knighting while trying to win brownie points from anonymous online women by ridiculing people looking for advice on this forum. That is the only pathetic thing here. You don't make the rules on this forum.
b) You need to stop taking my words out of context and making shi* up. The girl in question is 15 years younger than me, not some 17 year old. Likewise, I have not cheated in any way, or even touched this girl, so stop trying to suggest I have.

Now that is out of the way, maybe we can have a respectful conversation.

Do I respect my wife? Absolutely. Love her too. And my involvement with this female friend was not some effort to make my wife jealous. Things got a bit dodgy, there were some bad optics, I put the breaks on and apologized to my wife. I have always been 100% honest with her.

But none of that had anything to do with the original question, which had to do with the complex nature of jealousy in a marital relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
Jealousy is not always unhealthy. In fact, it's a very natural emotion. And perfectly healthy if not out of control. The OP is concerned about the absence of jealousy which does not mean the same thing as "jealousy means she loves me". Since it's a normal emotional reaction to someone getting closer to your mate, the absence jealousy for this can naturally raise concerns.

Nothing to do with jealousy but if your spouse tells you they are going away for three weeks, it's natural to expect them to express some kind of disappointment and other emotional reaction to you being away. if they simply say "OK" and walk away, that's going to raise some concerns. It might be nice at times to have a relaxed spouse that doesn't get all excited over that kind of thing but it can be odd to not see any emotional reaction over this.

People may not like the OP's tone and some things he said but I can totally understand the concern.
Thank you for an insightful answer.

My tone only became an issue after I was attacked.

If everyone here were in a perfect marriage with zero issues, there wouldn't be any need to have a forum.
 

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I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
You're creating a problem where none exists. She's not jealous. Jealousy isn't healthy, and you are wanting her to show unhealthy attitudes. Perhaps she feels that she's just dump your sorry ass if you transgress her boundaries, whatever they are. Besides, it's YOUR responsibility to respect the boundaries you'd want for both her and yourself. So, you are the problem here, not her.

Also, my wife isn't jealous. I can (and do) hang out with women friends, quite often. My wife is always welcome but seldom comes along. I even have her permission to have sex with any of my female friends who'd want me (that hasn't happened very often, believe me!), and she'd just say, "Have a fun time, honey!" I have a few insecurities, but feel the same way when she hangs out with her male friends (which she does, just not as often).
 

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I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
Sounds like a stupid article to me. The internet is full of them.

What will it take to make your wife jealous? What will it take to make a bear mad? In either case, you don't want to find out.
 

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What do you want your wife to do? How would you want her to express jealousy? Most ways I can think of are stressful and unpleasant.

At the hotel, sounds like you deliberately were baiting her--seeing if you could get her angry ("Oh ****, I'm in trouble.") Is it possible you are more of an extrovert and enjoy partying more than your wife?

Is she advocating a 'retirement-type' life? Seems to me there is a lot of space between party animal and retirement adventures. Is she by now used to your 'single-life' persona?

Do you consider all the time, effort, interest in the single girl worth it? What about her is so enticing? What would she label y'all's relationship?

IMO: you enjoy the attention of the single girl or you would not waste the time of both of y'all. I think it would have been respectful if you had returned to your room with your wife and had a nice romantic ending. Maybe, her text was to tell you she was no longer interested, tired of waiting and gonna go to sleep. On that note, I think you might want to curtail frequent daily texts with single girl---would you want your wife to do this?

I have no way of knowing what you do with the rest of your life. Do you support your kids and their activities? Do you and wife have frequent date nights? Activities/interests together? Volunteer, community supporters? Are you a strong dad and husband along with your unfulfilled need to play? Not saying you are immature, but maybe slow in letting go of your youth.
 

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My ex-wife was never the jealous type either. Being self-employed, I've gone to many mixers over the years, Many years ago, she would tag along, but she lost interest in these events over the years. I am also in an industry dominated by women with weird hours and yet she never seemed jealous with that. We did talk about it a few times here and there and she just said I never gave her a reason to be jealous. My job also would take me out of town overnight with women.. when I came home, I almost felt like I cheated.


My situation was different. Although my wife and I had occasional sex, it was more out of obligation. I don't think we had any affection or intimacy at all. She just wasn't the affectionate type.



If you have a happy sex life with intimacy, you have no reason for concern. I know it was really good for my ego to have the attention from women, but I am happy it didn't lead to anything. My ex and I treat each other better than when we were married because I didn't cross that line.


I think you are pretty close to that line. Trust me... Divorce sucks
 

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Whatever you would feel jealous of if your wife did it, don't do it yourself. I have pretty strong boundaries with the opposite sex, the things you do are way over that boundary.
I have no idea why your wife doesn't seem bothered, especially as in many ways you are acting as if you are single, but she clearly doesn't.
The main issue here is your completely inappropriate behaviour with the other woman, and your social life generally.
My husband hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, but I am pretty sure he would recognise that what is going on here is completely inappropriate behaviour on your part.
 

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Sounds like you are playing with fire 🔥 Perhaps she is worried and seeing the (emotional affair)situation you’ve created and is choosing to ignore it (for now)? Is she a confrontational type?
 

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Ahhh... the midlife crisis....I had mine when I was 34 and it lasted 10 years. Hmmm...boredom maybe? Maybe you are delighted and intrigued with this younger woman because of what she represents?, Read how you are explaining her, she seems very tempting, doesnt she?

The problem isn't that your wife doesn't show jealousy, the problem is somewhere inside you and you for some reason are taking notice of things in your marriage that might be lacking. Have you spoken with her regarding your feelings? This would be the wise thing to do as you may be surprised at what she has to say. You really should stop and curtail your interactions with this other woman if you truly do love your wife. Talk to her, tell her how you feel, ask questions, engage her in conversation over the subject.

I am writing from experience, I am about your age and I still struggle with the mid life crisis, it's not my wifes fault. I dont like aging and I am an adrenaline junkie. I also happen to be married to a younger woman who is much more reserved and content with life than I am, but it's good, it grounds me.
 

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Do you consider all the time, effort, interest in the single girl worth it? What about her is so enticing? What would she label y'all's relationship?
I would be careful about fooling around with younger women. She has nothing to lose like you do. The attraction isn't there. There is no longer the economic imperative like in the olden days that made older men more attractive to younger women.
 

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Your wife may not want to insult you by displaying jealousy. Your wife may have grown tired of you wanting to party like it's 1999. Whatever she is thinking or feeling, you won't know unless you ask her.

It sounds like you're in a rut and are using the parties to fill a void. Think about what would really add value to your life and make it more interesting for you.
 

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Jealousy is not always unhealthy. In fact, it's a very natural emotion. And perfectly healthy if not out of control. The OP is concerned about the absence of jealousy which does not mean the same thing as "jealousy means she loves me". Since it's a normal emotional reaction to someone getting closer to your mate, the absence jealousy for this can naturally raise concerns.

Nothing to do with jealousy but if your spouse tells you they are going away for three weeks, it's natural to expect them to express some kind of disappointment and other emotional reaction to you being away. if they simply say "OK" and walk away, that's going to raise some concerns. It might be nice at times to have a relaxed spouse that doesn't get all excited over that kind of thing but it can be odd to not see any emotional reaction over this.

People may not like the OP's tone and some things he said but I can totally understand the concern.
Or it's simply an excuse to cover for his own behavior. I mean the guy said it himself. He's doing things he would be very upset with if it was his wife doing those exact same things. Why does the conversation have to go much further than that being wrong... in so many ways? He knows what he's doing is inappropriate, but just keeps at it until... what? Is he daring his wife to say stop? And if she doesn't, is that permission to continue? Testing her limits?

I think that's an entirely different thing than wondering why his wife seems to not care about what he's up to. That seems to be a given. His response is just simply wrong.
 

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Things got a bit dodgy, there were some bad optics, I put the breaks on and apologized to my wife.
Care to elaborate? Or are you talking about the hotel room incident already discussed here? Or is this something different?

"I put the breaks on" tells me this woman friend of yours is DTF? Did I get that right?
 

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Your wife may not want to insult you by displaying jealousy. Your wife may have grown tired of you wanting to party like it's 1999. Whatever she is thinking or feeling, you won't know unless you ask her.

It sounds like you're in a rut and are using the parties to fill a void. Think about what would really add value to your life and make it more interesting for you.
Maybe in the wife's mind the relationship is already finished. Before it became obvious that our marriage had collapsed, my exH was agreeing with me about everything including some long running differences.

Your wife may not be as content as her behavior may suggest.
 

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Care to elaborate? Or are you talking about the hotel room incident already discussed here? Or is this something different?

"I put the breaks on" tells me this woman friend of yours is DTF? Did I get that right?
A never married , no kids 31 year old ....... I bet she's looking for a baby. You'll be paying child support at a time when she's blocking you from having visitation.

As long as you're hanging with this woman at meetup activities, you are cockblocking other guys who have been interested in.
 

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This may just be your wife's personality.

My now-ex-husband was a bit of a party animal. He also always had lots of pretty female friends he was openly flirty with. And the habit of living his life like a single man. When I'm hurt, angry, jealous, or simply feel gravely disrespected, I don't lash out. I withdraw. To protect myself, but also to give myself time to really analyze the situation and figure out if my feelings are rational given the factual information or whether I'm over-reacting.

But I'm also the type that if you ask me to choose between you and my self-respect, I'll pick me. Every. Time. Which means I don't police my guy. I don't try make him behave or respect my boundaries with jealous or controlling behavior. And I also don't have any interest in being with a man who just isn't very interested in respecting me, my boundaries, or our relationship. We can have a conversation or a discussion about expectations. But I won't "fight" for a man who is clearly interested in being elsewhere. If he doesn't want to be with me then he's free to go. I absolutely will not be put in the role of scolding mommy to a rebellious teen who's wildly testing the boundaries. To anyone who sees a hot temper, jealous behavior, or fiery arguments as signals of passion and intense love, that reaction can appear cold and disinterested. In reality, it's just an intense, and hard-won, self-respect. I really am too proud to beg - especially for things that should be part and parcel of a healthy relationship to begin with.

OP, it's entirely possible that your wife is hurt by your behavior but has zero interest in playing the jealous shrew. She may also feel that she's above doing the "pick me" dance for her own husband while he's clearly distracted by his little friend.

Keep up the exceptionally poor boundaries, and you may one day find that your wife is no longer waiting at home for you to finish playing at being single. And you'll probably be baffled by her leaving. Because 'she never said she was unhappy'....:slap:

Ask yourself some questions: Should your wife have to tell you she's unhappy with this level of disrespect and your crappy boundaries? Why is that her job? Is she your mom? Or the marriage police? Why do you need or want her to make you behave yourself?
 

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Like others have said, you're playing with fire with the young gal. You know you are.... but she makes you feel good. Her energy and youth are addictive.

Then you have the double-whammy of a wife basically giving you the vibes of, "Oh, you wanna hang out with the bimbo? Go ahead, casanova. Knock yourself out."

Good for her. Shows she has confidence in herself, and frankly, she's above playing your games. If you were to take another step over the line with the young gal, she would probably quietly serve you with divorce papers, take half of everything, and coldly leave you to your newly-found party life. Everyone would probably applaud her for it, too.
 

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Rather than pile on I'll try to give you something new to do/think about:

1 - IMO, your wife's lack of jealousy is a function of her past life experience, self confidence and strong moral code/core values that she projects onto you (plus you've never done anything to indicate that she can't trust you). In your wife's mind, you two are a team (her safe place) that is above adultery.

Note, your wife's self confidence and trust in you (i.e., lack of jealousy) is not an indicator that she would not be devastated if you had an affair. It's probably just the opposite and would permanently damage her.

2 - Boundaries protect a marriage in our unanticipated most vulnerable moments. We all tend to think we're unique but we're not. There's solid research evidence that the great majority of adulterers never thought they were capable of cheating and did not go looking for an affair.

For your own education I suggest you read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's an easy short read, based on studies of couples that experienced infidelity. IMO all couples should read this book. You can pick it up used on Amazon.

I think you'll find that boundaries are more than just something that your spouse imposes when they are jealous - rather boundaries are 'walls' that every spouse should utilize in order to protect their marriage (including both husband & wife, kids, grandparents ....).

3 - Finally, in an effort to further discuss your wife's lack of jealousy, consider asking your wife to read this book and then (over a bottle of wine) discussing how it would apply to your marriage.

I wish you both well.
 

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I also see your defensiveness, in your replys to other lashing out to prove your view is correct at all costs. Your a linear thinker. And truthfully there is no arguing with you or pointing out what's wrong with the picture you painted for us , because if it doesn't fit your narrative then it's BS and not constructive criticism for you.

So in all truth this is the reason your wife shows no jealousy, there is no way she can have a grown-up mature conversation, because you only see responses that fit your narrative.

And deflect and attack those responses because you feel intellectually superior. So then you have just show us here WHY your wife shows no jealousy. It is as simple as this.

Your the Reason!
 
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