Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 91 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)

But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.

I have a 31 year old female friend I see at parties, meetups, dinners, etc. Sometimes at hiking trips. My wife knows this girl and likes her. The girl is attractive and has a very interesting personality. She is also very single.

I sometimes go to parties by myself and get a hotel room so I don't have to drive home--the girl is almost always at those parties. Most of the meetups don't involve my wife.

But my wife has never once raised an objection to this, or has even commented on it.

This girl frequently messages me during the day, posts things to my FB, etc. We joke around, share stories, etc. Nothing inappropriate, but still ... wife pays no attention.

A few weekends ago, I was at an event in the city with my wife, and we got a hotel room. This girl had a room in the same hotel, and we hung out with her and others. When we got back from the party, we ended up in her room and were talking about her love-life (or lack thereof). My wife went back to our room, but I stayed in the girl's room and talked with her for a couple more hours at least. Right when I realized that this didn't look good, I get a message from my wife asking me not to turn on the light when I get back to the room and wake her up. I was like "shi* I'm in trouble"

So I head back to the room, climb into bed, and tell her "I swear nothing happened", and she simply replied "I didn't think that, just didn't want to be woken up"

so here is the thing: she has shown absolutely ZERO jealousy or territorial behavior in regards to me and this girl (or anyone else). Hasn't gone through my phone, my PC, checked up on me, --nothing. Hasn't even said "hey, be careful not to get to close to that girl" or "are you sure that is a good idea"?

I would not have been cool with my wife hanging out in a hotel room with a drunk guy at 2am. That would have been a fight, and I expected one. I was shocked when it didn't happen.

I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
734 Posts
You should be worried because it appears you are heading down a slippery slope with this woman. It also seems like you are going out of your way to make your wife jealous. You appear to already be having an inappropriate emotional affair with this woman while trying to rub it in your wife's face. You need to work on yourself, your inappropriate boundaries, and show your wife a lot more respect than you are doing now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,941 Posts
Perhaps she trusts you. Most likely she's put it on you; if you fool around it's on you, not her, which is right for her to do.

It sounds like she is confident of herself and her relationship with her H. Which is also right for her to be.

Let's explore your personal boundaries or lack thereof, for a married person to put oneself into circumstances that do quite frankly give a solid image of impropriety in multiple environments.

Do you have a good physical relationship with your W? Not being nosy but many issues include this important component.

Do you want her to mistrust you? It seems you're trying to see how far you can go.

This may or may not be a response you expected to your inquiry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,931 Posts
I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)

But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.

I have a 31 year old female friend I see at parties, meetups, dinners, etc. Sometimes at hiking trips. My wife knows this girl and likes her. The girl is attractive and has a very interesting personality. She is also very single.

I sometimes go to parties by myself and get a hotel room so I don't have to drive home--the girl is almost always at those parties. Most of the meetups don't involve my wife.

But my wife has never once raised an objection to this, or has even commented on it.

This girl frequently messages me during the day, posts things to my FB, etc. We joke around, share stories, etc. Nothing inappropriate, but still ... wife pays no attention.

A few weekends ago, I was at an event in the city with my wife, and we got a hotel room. This girl had a room in the same hotel, and we hung out with her and others. When we got back from the party, we ended up in her room and were talking about her love-life (or lack thereof). My wife went back to our room, but I stayed in the girl's room and talked with her for a couple more hours at least. Right when I realized that this didn't look good, I get a message from my wife asking me not to turn on the light when I get back to the room and wake her up. I was like "shi* I'm in trouble"

So I head back to the room, climb into bed, and tell her "I swear nothing happened", and she simply replied "I didn't think that, just didn't want to be woken up"

so here is the thing: she has shown absolutely ZERO jealousy or territorial behavior in regards to me and this girl (or anyone else). Hasn't gone through my phone, my PC, checked up on me, --nothing. Hasn't even said "hey, be careful not to get to close to that girl" or "are you sure that is a good idea"?

I would not have been cool with my wife hanging out in a hotel room with a drunk guy at 2am. That would have been a fight, and I expected one. I was shocked when it didn't happen.

I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
Look at me Mom! No hands!
Your wife is probably too nice a woman to tell you how pathetic you look. Sniffing around a girl who’s young enough to be your daughter, and by the sound of things if you got any encouragement you would take things further.
You do realize that you’re probably a laughing stock amongst your acquaintances who know about you and this girl?
Grow ****ing up!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,830 Posts
What Andy said. And please...for the love of all that is holy...don't ''rate'' yourself. That's something teens and single guys in their 20's do.

I'd seek counseling for what is truly bothering you. It's not your wife's lack of jealousy, it's that you are empty and unfulfilled, and seeking to fill the void with something that will cost you everything that matters most. Be careful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Perhaps she trusts you. Most likely she's put it on you; if you fool around it's on you, not her, which is right for her to do.

It sounds like she is confident of herself and her relationship with her H. Which is also right for her to be.

Let's explore your personal boundaries or lack thereof, for a married person to put oneself into circumstances that do quite frankly give a solid image of impropriety in multiple environments.

Do you have a good physical relationship with your W? Not being nosy but many issues include this important component.

Do you want her to mistrust you? It seems you're trying to see how far you can go.

This may or may not be a response you expected to your inquiry.
My wife and I have pretty regular sex and are very affectionate with each other. Our marriage is strong.

So yes, I'm sure she is confident, but zero jealousy?

I have endeavored to be more conscious of the signals I am sending in regards to this women, and to be a lot more professional about the situation. I haven't cheated, and it kind of bothers m that the first responses in the forum here basically consist of people calling me a scumbag for chasing after another woman. That isn't the situation and it wasn't the purpose of my question
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,144 Posts
I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
Until you do. Because you had one too many. Because you're emotionally entangled. Because you'll want to "give her something to be jealous about".

Maybe you don't realize how bad you look here from the cheap seats.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,213 Posts
If you wouldn't be cool with your wife doing it why are you doing it?

Some people don't wish to be the marriage police, which is what happens when jealousy enters into things. She may feel that when it gets to that point its over.

Think carefully about whether you're willing to risk it for a piece of trash that carries on with married men.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,931 Posts
And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
This would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic.
You have a vision of yourself that I’m not sure anyone else shares.
You are almost fifty years old and you are bragging about yourself like an eighteen year old who’s just discovered tinder.
I appreciate you saying I’m perfect, it’s sounds better than having to say it myself. But no, I’ve never been tempted. I got my sexual shenanigans out of my system when I was single. I’m married now and I don’t feel the need to try and make my wife jealous by flirting with someone else.
And I have enough respect for my wife and myself not to get myself into situations like you described.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,830 Posts
And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
Why do you want your wife to be jealous? Where did you learn that jealousy = love? It doesn't. Actually, it's the opposite. Jealousy isn't healthy, really. I think you're seeking something to fulfill you...to fill a void in you. If your wife is jealous, that will translate to you perhaps as ''she loves me.'' But, even if your wife were to display jealousy, you'd likely look for something else, because the problem lies within you. Self actualization can be both scary and awesome, at the same time :)

That's not me chastising you, that's me trying to help you see what maybe you can't, right now. We all struggle with different things, and are flawed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,830 Posts
This would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic.
You have a vision of yourself that I’m not sure anyone else shares.
You are almost fifty years old and you are bragging about yourself like an eighteen year old who’s just discovered tinder.
I appreciate you saying I’m perfect, it’s sounds better than having to say it myself. But no, I’ve never been tempted. I got my sexual shenanigans out of my system when I was single. I’m married now and I don’t feel the need to try and make my wife jealous by flirting with someone else.
And I have enough respect for my wife and myself not to get myself into situations like you described.
Andy is perfect in every way. :grin2:

Jk! I had to.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
5,451 Posts
I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)

But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.

I have a 31 year old female friend I see at parties, meetups, dinners, etc. Sometimes at hiking trips. My wife knows this girl and likes her. The girl is attractive and has a very interesting personality. She is also very single.

I sometimes go to parties by myself and get a hotel room so I don't have to drive home--the girl is almost always at those parties. Most of the meetups don't involve my wife.

But my wife has never once raised an objection to this, or has even commented on it.

This girl frequently messages me during the day, posts things to my FB, etc. We joke around, share stories, etc. Nothing inappropriate, but still ... wife pays no attention.

A few weekends ago, I was at an event in the city with my wife, and we got a hotel room. This girl had a room in the same hotel, and we hung out with her and others. When we got back from the party, we ended up in her room and were talking about her love-life (or lack thereof). My wife went back to our room, but I stayed in the girl's room and talked with her for a couple more hours at least. Right when I realized that this didn't look good, I get a message from my wife asking me not to turn on the light when I get back to the room and wake her up. I was like "shi* I'm in trouble"

So I head back to the room, climb into bed, and tell her "I swear nothing happened", and she simply replied "I didn't think that, just didn't want to be woken up"

so here is the thing: she has shown absolutely ZERO jealousy or territorial behavior in regards to me and this girl (or anyone else). Hasn't gone through my phone, my PC, checked up on me, --nothing. Hasn't even said "hey, be careful not to get to close to that girl" or "are you sure that is a good idea"?

I would not have been cool with my wife hanging out in a hotel room with a drunk guy at 2am. That would have been a fight, and I expected one. I was shocked when it didn't happen.

I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried
There's many reasons why your wife may not be jealous. She's very confident in herself and/or the relationship. She's very trusting. She doesn't care about you enough to feel jealousy. Or, if you're seriously financially well off, she knows she'll get a big pay day if you step out of line.

I am more worried by your bold statement above. You're in a self described mid life crisis where you are behaving in a hazardous manner. I'm not suggesting you give up spending time with friends but partying in the city with friends and getting hotel room to avoid having to drive home is just asking for trouble.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
636 Posts
And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.
Becoming defensive is not serving your overall purpose.

While I admit that some of us come across rather strong (myself included), please understand that everyone expresses themselves differently and we are all here because we truly want to help. Some do it by challenging you. Some do it by calling you out. Some are more subtle. Respect all opinions (unless of course they are totally batsh*t crazy..lol)

Now I got that rant out of the way, please don't get upset because your wife doesn't get jealous. I've been married to a man who is exactly the same for 28 years. At one point I thought that he must not care about me if he doesn't get jealous. I have male friends that I lunch with, old school chums I keep up with by email. I keep him informed but he never pries. Perhaps you think that she doesn't care. Just test that theory and watch what happens. Better yet, don't.

Let me tell you what it really is (based on what I've learned). She is confident in herself. Confident in you. Confident in your marriage. There are posters here who would LOVE to have the kind of wife that you have.

As someone else put it, you are seeking external validation for some reason. Please seek an answer for your own peace of mind. Do you feel unloved? Undesired? Bored? Have you talked to your wife about this? Doesn't she deserve to know given your years together?

And please, stop putting yourself into these dangerous yes, DANGEROUS situations. All it takes is the right words, a little too much alcohol and you have thrown away EVERYTHING that you hold dear. Read up on some who have made that mistake or worse yet, had it done to them. It's ruinous for the cheated on spouse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
552 Posts
Why do you want your wife to be jealous? Where did you learn that jealousy = love? It doesn't. Actually, it's the opposite. Jealousy isn't healthy, really. I think you're seeking something to fulfill you...to fill a void in you. If your wife is jealous, that will translate to you perhaps as ''she loves me.'' But, even if your wife were to display jealousy, you'd likely look for something else, because the problem lies within you. Self actualization can be both scary and awesome, at the same time :)

That's not me chastising you, that's me trying to help you see what maybe you can't, right now. We all struggle with different things, and are flawed.
Jealousy is not always unhealthy. In fact, it's a very natural emotion. And perfectly healthy if not out of control. The OP is concerned about the absence of jealousy which does not mean the same thing as "jealousy means she loves me". Since it's a normal emotional reaction to someone getting closer to your mate, the absence jealousy for this can naturally raise concerns.

Nothing to do with jealousy but if your spouse tells you they are going away for three weeks, it's natural to expect them to express some kind of disappointment and other emotional reaction to you being away. if they simply say "OK" and walk away, that's going to raise some concerns. It might be nice at times to have a relaxed spouse that doesn't get all excited over that kind of thing but it can be odd to not see any emotional reaction over this.

People may not like the OP's tone and some things he said but I can totally understand the concern.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,516 Posts
There is something weird going on with both of you?

At first, I wanted to tell you to enjoy it because Mrs. Conan has occasionally been pissed off at fresh waitresses but, as your story progressed, I got the feeling something unhealthy was happening on both sides.

You don't appear to have healthy boundaries and she doesn't seem to care.

Maybe you should talk to her about it?
 
1 - 20 of 91 Posts
Top