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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Where do I start... I work two jobs- One is a full time 9-5 Mon-Friday and the other is a weekend job that keeps me away form my family for 48hrs every other weekend. Luckily I have family to help me out with my two children ( one who is 6 and the other who is just over 1 year) since my husband spends all of his time at his fathers on the weekends. My husband works a 9-5 job as well and then goes over to his father’s house and works in the shop until 11pm at night. Supposedly he is helping his dad work on farm equipment etc. We recently got our taxes done and I spent tons of time getting things ready.... after closely reviewing our financial statements it was very clear that my 2nd job as been paying for his after hours at his dad's. He says he is investing money in the farm by fixing his truck and an old tractor and buying new tools. He says in a few years it will all pay that money back out! Over $12,000 dollars down the drain.... He doesn't understand that he is never home and neither am I yet I'm the only one that helps our 6 year old with his homework, I make sure the kids are feed at night, and get up in the morning and have clean clothes to wear. I'm the one that does the dishes, folds the laundry, gets the groceries, takes the kids to the doctor when they are sick, and pays the bills. I LOVE every second of my time I get to spend with them. But I hate doing everything alone. I've talked with him about this and we've fought about this... Why am I working a 2nd job to pay for HIS 2nd job!!!??? He changes his ways for awhile. He’ll be home early and he won’t spend money on parts or tools, and then it's back to the same old things within 2 weeks... I'm already stressed because we live paycheck to paycheck, but now i don't know what to do about our relationship- or what's left of it... ANY advice would be greatly appreciated!
 

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you cant do everything. he cant take everything.
as you said your circle will keep circling and you might end up in serious financial difficulty.
he has to give to.
id hate to live paycheck to paycheck - i have in the past and it stinks. very difficult. i dont envy your time being taken up so much from family either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you... Atleast I Know I'm not crazy to want something better!

I just wish I could get him to see my point of view... I've thought about leaving him and taking the kids (hopefully just for awhile) so he could have some time to see what he's doing.

Of course when I leave I would be taking my money. He would have to live off of his and his money wouldn't last more than two weeks and it would be gone.

I love him.... and the kids love him... I just want this to work!
 

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I do believe I would try separate bank accounts. It's amazing what controlling a "spender's" funds will do. As for the other part of the problem--the part where he doesn't lift a finger to help out.....all I've got to say is good luck. I worked on that problem 22 years and it didn't get resolved.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
It's sad to say but my mother and father had a similar relationship to my husband and I... My mom tells me I should get out now while I'm still young and the kids are still small. What does anybody else think?
 

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That's probably not a bad idea. I have spent 22 years trying to "change" a behavior. The behavior didn't change and I only became a very angry person. People don't change unless they want to change. It doesn't sound as though he wants to change.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
That's probably not a bad idea. I have spent 22 years trying to "change" a behavior. The behavior didn't change and I only became a very angry person. People don't change unless they want to change. It doesn't sound as though he wants to change.
Being completely honest with myself... I truely believe my children and I would be much better off if my husband and I were to split up. His behaviors are just that.. and I do not think he will change for anybody, not even our children. He is a very head-strong man and many would simply call him a complete a**hole.

He would probably be happier without us anyways....
 

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That's probably not a bad idea. I have spent 22 years trying to "change" a behavior. The behavior didn't change and I only became a very angry person. People don't change unless they want to change. It doesn't sound as though he wants to change.
you are so right. tell me though, only asking a point of view.
but i seem to feel that men change the least. women seem in general the more calmer and want to keep the peace and CHANGE for their behaviours.
ive had the same issues for yrs. they resolve and then they rear there heads again.
 

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you are so right. tell me though, only asking a point of view.
but i seem to feel that men change the least. women seem in general the more calmer and want to keep the peace and CHANGE for their behaviours.
ive had the same issues for yrs. they resolve and then they rear there heads again.
That's how I now see it. If it is major issues, they aren't going to change. Either you bite your tongue and accept things as they are, or you move on.
 

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atleast i know im not crazy then . but why does it always seem to be us that change for them. i think my H has has several mid life crisis' , ive had good and bad times , but nothing like my H.
im a good wife and good mother. i work hard, love life and im pulled to keep the peace.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I've recently wrote all my feelings out in a letter to my H... Hopefully this will better help him to understand what i'm trying to talk with him about. I guess I'll see what happens tonight after he reads it!

-April
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
ive had the same issues for yrs. they resolve and then they rear there heads again.
So I just found out that my H and his father decided together (without including me!) that my H and I are going to be renting some ground this year! WITH WHAT MONEY??!?!?! My H informs me that he can take out an Operation Loan from the bank....ANOTHER LOAN! I am so PISSED OFF!!!!

I tried to be open minded and I told him how I felt-- We really don't have the money right now.. We live paycheck to paycheck-- I just want to put some money in a savings account every month for the kids sake! NOT PAY ON ANOTHER LOAN....

I didn't even give him the letter I wrote.... I just keep feeling more and more hopeless!

I think his father is half our problem! I'm at a dead end... Should I bring in somebody else to support me when I go to talk with my H about all of this??

Just need some opinions....

Thanks!
 

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You have a lot on your hands if you don't want to come off being blunt. If a spouse gets supportive income from being involved in a family business, that's fine. If it doesn't add up, than whoever is the financial one has to make it plain. He sounds wigged out over being more of a family man. It also sounds like economics don't justify his being away. Using a financial issue to lever him back into the door will probably blow things apart. However, outright questioning his comitment to his family as the primary issue may get you somewhere. Just be delicate on delivering the financial rebuke when he suggests his efforts with his Dad are a contribution. It sounds like his ego could be an obsticle.

I don't buy that this guy can't change. From what you say, his father may be a bad influence which may not be helping, but he's got one shot at supporting the one family he's got right now. If renting land is a wealth prospect, indulge his curiosity to conclusion and look at the financial risks. Insist on doing it together if you will be at all financially obligated. It sounds like living paycheck to paycheck may have made a dreamer out of him. Deep down he may just want to escape to a better place WITH the family.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
You have a lot on your hands if you don't want to come off being blunt. If a spouse gets supportive income from being involved in a family business, that's fine. If it doesn't add up, than whoever is the financial one has to make it plain. He sounds wigged out over being more of a family man. It also sounds like economics don't justify his being away. Using a financial issue to lever him back into the door will probably blow things apart. However, outright questioning his comitment to his family as the primary issue may get you somewhere. Just be delicate on delivering the financial rebuke when he suggests his efforts with his Dad are a contribution. It sounds like his ego could be an obsticle.

I don't buy that this guy can't change. From what you say, his father may be a bad influence which may not be helping, but he's got one shot at supporting the one family he's got right now. If renting land is a wealth prospect, indulge his curiosity to conclusion and look at the financial risks. Insist on doing it together if you will be at all financially obligated. It sounds like living paycheck to paycheck may have made a dreamer out of him. Deep down he may just want to escape to a better place WITH the family.
Thank you for your input! You have a very fresh perspective on the subject and I appreciate that.

I do feel that most of his actions are based on good intentions. Hopefully I can talk with him without making him feel as though I don't support his ideas. My main concern is the family and I would love to confirm that the family is his main concern as well. Knowing that he is doing this for "US" would atleast let me know that he is thinking of the family. Otherwise, I feel as if he lives his life and the children and I live ours.
 

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I'm reading between the lines, so I've got more questions. He is wanting to rent land to farm, right? Is his father a full-time farmer? Since I am from a farm background, I really understand the economics involved in such an operation. And I definitely have opinions on the subject. However, from what I see on the surface here, I would have to tell the husband to go get his father to co-sign the bank note and leave you out of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I'm reading between the lines, so I've got more questions. He is wanting to rent land to farm, right? Is his father a full-time farmer? Since I am from a farm background, I really understand the economics involved in such an operation. And I definitely have opinions on the subject. However, from what I see on the surface here, I would have to tell the husband to go get his father to co-sign the bank note and leave you out of it.
Yes, his father is a full-time farmer... But it seems to me that my husband and his father come up with these ideas and just make a choice without EVER talking to me about it.

I completely agree with the, "leave me out of it" idea!
My life just feels like a roller coaster ride-- It's good then bad, but it's bad 75% of the time. I just feel drained... My H wants me to give my all in everything but I hardly see him giving me anything back in return.

Can you tell me more about your thoughts on farming and how to handle this talk between my H and his father behind my back??? Should I just step up and say, "NO! I don't want to put anymore of my money into this."

Thank you for your time!
 

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If he need more money then he should get another job. If I were you I would tell him you are simply wore out and are quitting your 2nd job to spend more time with the family. Let him figure out where the $ is going to come from.
 

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I agree about telling your husband to see how him and his father will finance their venture. They're not including you in their decision-making, yet they expect you to help finance it? If he insists on making you partly responsible for paying the loan, just refuse to sign anything. Aside from that, you could separate your bank accounts so that he doesn't have access to the money you earn. That would put a damper on his spending.

Moreover, if you're basically doing everything by yourself anyway, then you might be better off alone with your children. What are you really getting out of your relationship?

IMHO, it's not fair at all that you are busting your behind working 2 jobs AND doing everything around the house without his support. You should at least be getting something back from all that effort. It sounds selfish to expect something back for all the work you put into a marriage, but the reality is that one person can't do everything for nothing. He seems to be getting the better half of the deal. You bring home the extra money, you take care of the kids and house, and what does he bring to the table? He spends your extra money and his free time in his father's farm instead of helping you. I would personally be enraged!

What do you think his reaction would be if you told him your plans of leaving once the children are older? Do you think it would encite him to change, or would he feel like he will cross that bridge when he gets to it?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
It's been awhile since I've posted... so much has happened, but nothing has really changed. My H and I have decided that we will divorce in about a year. We will have all of our loans paid off in full and that will give me time to find a place to live with the kids.

Things will never change with him... and he finally agreed to let me go my own way. Atleast now he knows how unhappy I've been and he's being a bigger person by letting me go.


Thanks for all of your advise and input!
 
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