Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 132 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife is traveling this week (and does so frequently) and warned ahead of time she'd be hard pressed to call or email. The warning wasn't really needed as it is her usual behavior.

So, I guess I shouldn't be hurt that that is the case. But, I am. With this last trip, her travel included the weekend and she actually had Sunday at a hotel with little obligation except for hanging out with a male coworker (yes, I'm a bit jealous).

I had hoped she'd call to talk or at least write something more than a couple lines on that day especially. She certainly will make time to write lengthy emails at home during weekend days or from our bed after the kids are down at night.

This behavior is pretty chronic with her business travels and I've talked with her that having a little more communication from her to the kids [and I!] would be well received. But, it ties in with her behavior when she's not traveling too: many nights a week I'm left in the dark if she'll make it home for dinner only to find out a meeting ran late and/or she went out for appetizers and wine.

I realize her work, and especially her travel, is an escape from home life for her: After our kids were born she confided she was going crazy as a mom (despite my having cut work to half-time to help out and be a team at it). So, she returned to work and I became the SAHD and the circus began.

But still, having realized her escapism, I've worked to make home life as welcoming as possible. However, my accommodation for her work schedule goes only so far: I've almost stopped trying to schedule date nights as they're increasingly forgotten, delayed by late meetings or interrupted by emails at the restaurant table. I've grown to enforce dinner & bedtimes regardless of her typically unknown evening schedule. But, I also worry our kids are starting to feel (hopefully NOT from me) as low priorities in her world. In talking with her about these sacrifices, of course, it's all about financial independence, etc...

Does anyone have suggestions of how to better deal, or cope, with this?

Lastly, her behavior in this way seems to quite possibly be slowly increasing. Her drinking in the last five years (that I know of) has increased from a weekend glass of wine to 2 or 3 glasses a day. Strangely too, in the last two years, her sex drive went from zero to insatiable. I'm not complaining about this! ... but there is subtle behavior that I'm not cutting it for her (topic for another thread I suppose).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,323 Posts
I think its time to ponder some very serious boundaries and see how she reacts and/or go stealth mode on investigating her behavior while away from you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
How often does "she having an affair" crosses your mind?
Posted via Mobile Device
Not often, though I have to admit I've considered it especially with her newly found interest in sex (but, I also figure it might be just changing hormones, growing confidence in her career, etc.). She's not overly protective of her smart phone, etc. and the only reason I knew she'd be with the coworker was that she left open the email on her phone on the counter.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
521 Posts
Be careful. You are putting your relationship in a dangerous situation. My husband was always one of those guys that everyone thought was the perfect husband- great dad, great husband, very nice, etc. For the past 3 years he has had to work excessive hours to get his career up and running. Never in a thousand years did I expect to find what I did less than 3 weeks ago- he was having an EA (emotional affair) and was in love with another woman. I thought we were making sacrifices of time in order to be further ahead later, but really we were sacrificing our marriage :( I think everything is going to be O.K., but we have lots of work to do. We have realized that we totally put our marriage in danger. He was living a life separate from the rest of our family and would just pop in "to visit" on the weekend. We had increased drinking going on- actually it turned out to be a huge contributer to his poor choices. And yes, better sex too.... I'd definitely be aware... We have had to make some drastic changes- I just wish we would have done them sooner.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,852 Posts
My first thought is that she wasn't really cut out to be a mom.

Every mom I know including my wife can't get enough with the kids.

that doesn't solve your problem though.

Seem like the driving force in her life is her career, no.1 over you and the kids. BTW, what kind of work does she do that's so absorbing. Also, you say her her sexual appetite is now 'insatiable'.
Is it with you, or does she just talk about it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Be careful. You are putting your relationship in a dangerous situation. My husband was always one of those guys that everyone thought was the perfect husband- great dad, great husband, very nice, etc. For the past 3 years he has had to work excessive hours to get his career up and running. Never in a thousand years did I expect to find what I did less than 3 weeks ago- he was having an EA (emotional affair) and was in love with another woman. I thought we were making sacrifices of time in order to be further ahead later, but really we were sacrificing our marriage :( I think everything is going to be O.K., but we have lots of work to do. We have realized that we totally put our marriage in danger. He was living a life separate from the rest of our family and would just pop in "to visit" on the weekend. We had increased drinking going on- actually it turned out to be a huge contributer to his poor choices. And yes, better sex too.... I'd definitely be aware... We have had to make some drastic changes- I just wish we would have done them sooner.
Thank you. That would certainly be how I characterize my wife's persona though I am incredulous to believe it of her for how she behaves at home.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
My first thought is that she wasn't really cut out to be a mom.

Every mom I know including my wife can't get enough with the kids.

that doesn't solve your problem though.

Seem like the driving force in her life is her career, no.1 over you and the kids. BTW, what kind of work does she do that's so absorbing. Also, you say her her sexual appetite is now 'insatiable'.
Is it with you, or does she just talk about it?
I agree with your first comment (now) and I tend think she'd agree too in the right moment. I also agree her career is #1 (its managing a lot of people, etc.). I always thought it was fear of failing or not having enough $ (however, we're fine that way and I was able to provide just fine at half-time anyway which reinforces your first thought).

Her interest in sex is with me... and she's picked up reading 'fun' novels. Whether the books have spurred the interest or it's a life change I don't know....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
If I might ask, how old is your wife?

I know that when my son was in high school and I hit peri-menopause, I became a workaholic and my sex drive went into high gear. I also have a fondness for racy novels. :) According to the book "The Female Brain", many women experience a hormonal shift that kind of rewires their brain and makes them less nurturing as their estrogen levels decline. It's as good an explanation as any I've heard for what I experienced.

I also had an emotional affair. No one would have never expected something like that out of me in a million years. Especially my husband. Keep your eyes open.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,124 Posts
She is increasing drinking, sex life increases suddenly. Can't contact you when she travels.

She has you at home as the "little woman" while you keep the house and she is around alpha males.

Chances she is cheating is like 100 %
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
101 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
If I might ask, how old is your wife?

I know that when my son was in high school and I hit peri-menopause, I became a workaholic and my sex drive went into high gear. I also have a fondness for racy novels. :) According to the book "The Female Brain", many women experience a hormonal shift that kind of rewires their brain and makes them less nurturing as their estrogen levels decline. It's as good an explanation as any I've heard for what I experienced.

I also had an emotional affair. No one would have never expected something like that out of me in a million years. Especially my husband. Keep your eyes open.
Just turned fifty and the coming menopause was in my thoughts as well. Before yesterday's offline traveling behavior, an affair of any kind would've surprised me but that is probably naïve or arrogant. I guess that lack of contact on presumably a day off, while with a man is making me re-think it all. The particular guy subtly caught my attention a few months back. It wasn't so much what my wife said about him but her voice. I dismissed at the time as my insecurity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
What reasons does she give for being unable to be in contact? My husband travels for work (not as much now, but in the recent past, it was a lot more) and almost always manages to contact home daily no matter how busy he is. I know there are some occupations where this isn't possible but if she is in a hotel, on a weekend day, it seems to be lack of inclination rather than opportunity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,149 Posts
Not any real hard red flags. As pretty much chief 007 here I would suggest the following:

Look around. QUIETLY. Look at cell bill etc. Above all DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING. DO NOT BRING IT UP! Just look around.

How many free days out?
How many free nights out?

Something stinks and I just had a shower so it aint me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,200 Posts
My wife is traveling this week (and does so frequently) and warned ahead of time she'd be hard pressed to call or email. The warning wasn't really needed as it is her usual behavior.

Do you infer that it was a warning about other behavior? Was she admitting to minor failing because she was feeling guilty about something larger?

So, I guess I shouldn't be hurt that that is the case. But, I am. With this last trip, her travel included the weekend and she actually had Sunday at a hotel with little obligation except for hanging out with a male coworker (yes, I'm a bit jealous).

She may not be having an affair. But she enjoys socializing with colleagues more than with you. They are more interesting to her and that stings?

I had hoped she'd call to talk or at least write something more than a couple lines on that day especially. She certainly will make time to write lengthy emails at home during weekend days or from our bed after the kids are down at night.

She is checked out as wife and mother while on the road.

This behavior is pretty chronic with her business travels and I've talked with her that having a little more communication from her to the kids [and I!] would be well received. But, it ties in with her behavior when she's not traveling too: many nights a week I'm left in the dark if she'll make it home for dinner only to find out a meeting ran late and/or she went out for appetizers and wine.

Companies demand socializing for business. It costs employees their health and marriages sometimes. Welcome to modern corporate team building and HR sustainability values.:)

I realize her work, and especially her travel, is an escape from home life for her: After our kids were born she confided she was going crazy as a mom (despite my having cut work to half-time to help out and be a team at it). So, she returned to work and I became the SAHD and the circus began.

You already know your marriage is in bad shape. It is very good that your are straight forward and objective because you are searching for the courage to fix the situation. Stay here and you will.

But still, having realized her escapism, I've worked to make home life as welcoming as possible. However, my accommodation for her work schedule goes only so far: I've almost stopped trying to schedule date nights as they're increasingly forgotten, delayed by late meetings or interrupted by emails at the restaurant table. I've grown to enforce dinner & bedtimes regardless of her typically unknown evening schedule. But, I also worry our kids are starting to feel (hopefully NOT from me) as low priorities in her world. In talking with her about these sacrifices, of course, it's all about financial independence, etc...

Your wife hasn't noticed?

Does anyone have suggestions of how to better deal, or cope, with this?

Lastly, her behavior in this way seems to quite possibly be slowly increasing. Her drinking in the last five years (that I know of) has increased from a weekend glass of wine to 2 or 3 glasses a day. Strangely too, in the last two years, her sex drive went from zero to insatiable. I'm not complaining about this! ... but there is subtle behavior that I'm not cutting it for her (topic for another thread I suppose).

Drinking may contribute to all the other problems you've identified.
Read the thread of Jerry123. Read Bagdon. They are two SAHD's in the same situation as you.
 
1 - 20 of 132 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top