Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK alittle background info: been together for 18 years(wow thats along time) and married for 12 years, both are in our 30's and we do have children.
I consider myself to be a very strong individual and tend to speak my mind. I don't believe in cheating. I feel like if your going to cheat just let the person know and move on. But yet my husband has cheated on me many times(not to sure how many, as I'm sure theres times I'm not aware of) and I have taken him back and said we'd get through it. Not sure why I do this because like I said I don't believe in playing with peoples mind or emotions. I know if we didn't have kids I'd been out long ago.
Whenever we do have problems he has always turned to another women. Thats when it all starts with the phone calls, text messages and emails between him and other women. He'll go out to the bars and be gone sometimes for days at a time with no contact with me. I have called these other women and let them know he's married and yes we are going through issues but still live together. Well their excuse is he said you'd be calling me cause your jealous and don't want him to move on with his life. So the contact continues because they believe his story. All the while he's telling me he wants to be with me and work things out.
I have come to the point where I'm totally fed up. I've been told so many rumors and I do know some are fact. My stuff has been in boxes for months now. He's thrown my stuff and broke up many things. I just can't afford to move out or afford for him to move out and I stay in the house. He's another one that doesn't want to pay the bills. I just saved us from foreclosure on the house. I'm feel like I'm ready to move on and be done with him altogether. I could probably write pages of what I've been through. Has anyone been in a similar situation, if so send me any advice.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
I have not been in your situation, so I hope you do get replies from people that can relate, but I will offer my thoughts. I think your feelings have been played with enough and it's time to focus on you and your children. I would work on getting as much support as you can from family and friends and come up with a plan that will work for you. Start a savings. See if there's someone willing to store things that are precious to you in the meantime. Speak with an attorney to figure out how to legally start separating your name from his so he can't further damage your credit if he neglects his bills. If you put your energy into a solid plan, at least you will have some feeling of control over your situation. I'm sorry to hear he's put you through this emotional roller coaster.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
:iagree:

Look for help from friends and family, could one of them move in with you and help?

I went through a divorce and got laid off at the same time so I know how hard things can be. I got through it got a new and better paying job, kept the house and kept my child.

You have to think what is best for you, a guy you can't trust and might bring something like crabs or vd home? Is gone for days and neglects his wife and children?

There are many places willing to help, WIC, etc.

draconis
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
121 Posts
Having been the other woman before. I know he cares for you but cheating is a symptom of a problem, to me it is like being anxious and binging and purging. (I know you think I am being weird) but it is the same having overcome an eating disorder I think cheating is a way to cope with problems instead of dealing with your marriage problems between the two of you. Food was my affair in the past when things got rough. I see that it is a pattern with him but I think marriage counselling could make a difference if he really wants to make a true commitment to you. If he is not willing to do this for you and your family than you need to kick him out and seek your own help in this matter to help get you through this with your kids. I also agree with draconis-he is leaving you for days, he's not really there when he's home, it could be just a matter of time till he is gone. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
42 Posts
I am sorry it is so hard right now. Please speak to a lawyer as soon as you can. There are many who specialize in family law and some work on a sliding scale. I think you will be surprised how the law can help you protect your children and house. You are not without hope at all!

Please speak to a family lawyer.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
I am currently in a similar situation. we have 2 kids and he's admitted to cheating once. he doesn't work and then acts like I'm wrong for nagging him to help. I am at my last straw, I asked him today if he still wanted to be in the relationship, he said i don't know. So now I'm like ok, what do I do? But I completely understand. I too like to speak my mind and do not believe in cheating. When we got together I told him, don't cheat, if you want to be with someone else tell me and we can go our seperate ways. I love him, but I can't keep on stressing and being depressed like this. It's too hard, and it is not good for the kids. I know it seems hard, but if it did get to your situation (which is not much worse than mine) I would leave. I'm thinking about doing that now. Atleast tell him "look i don't know is not good enough, I need a yes or no, to are you going to change your ways and try to make this work" And until he has an answer for me I'm gone. Don't know if it would work for you, but I hope things get better for you. you can message me if you want to talk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the replies and advice. Of course he says he's going to change. And he will for a few months but then it's right back to the same stuff. Been there to many times before with him to think it won't happen again. I'm looking for a place to rent and hoping to start the seperation process right after finding a place.
 

·
Resident Therapist
Joined
·
109 Posts
I may be off the mark here let me just check in on this:

I'm concerned about the possibility of emotional or physical abuse going on in the marriage. When I hear about him throwing and breaking your stuff - it concerns me. Are you afraid to leave? Afraid of him at all? If so, there are Domestic Violence shelters all over the place where women can go (with their children) to get away without their location being known. The National Hotline is 1-800-799-7233(SAFE) Good luck...Lisa
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
124 Posts
You said that when you two are having "problems", that's when the cheating occurs. It can be hard for us ladies to comprehend, but any number of "problems" can leave men feeling emasculated. Work, money, and sex problems, among others, can leave your man feeling scared, worried, and not so sure he is the "man" he wants and needs to be. That's when the more simple and straightforward wooing and bedding of a woman becomes very attractive. The other woman doesn't know him; she doesn't know about problems, fears, etc that has left your man feeling so empty. If he can pursue and "capture" another woman that reinforces his maleness to him.
One other piece of advice I would give that you may or may not agree with, but here it is: stop calling your husband's girlfriends. When you do that, you are giving them a legitimacy the other woman just does not deserve, right in the middle of you and your man's relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
104 Posts
Thanks for the replies and advice. Of course he says he's going to change. And he will for a few months but then it's right back to the same stuff. Been there to many times before with him to think it won't happen again. I'm looking for a place to rent and hoping to start the seperation process right after finding a place.


Good luck with your new life Blue*Eyes, I think you're doing the right thing. If this behaviour has been repeating itself, I don't think it's likely to change now. And if you can't live with it then you need to distance yourself from it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
OK alittle background info: been together for 18 years(wow thats along time) and married for 12 years, both are in our 30's and we do have children.
I consider myself to be a very strong individual and tend to speak my mind. I don't believe in cheating. I feel like if your going to cheat just let the person know and move on. But yet my husband has cheated on me many times(not to sure how many, as I'm sure theres times I'm not aware of) and I have taken him back and said we'd get through it. Not sure why I do this because like I said I don't believe in playing with peoples mind or emotions. I know if we didn't have kids I'd been out long ago.
Whenever we do have problems he has always turned to another women. Thats when it all starts with the phone calls, text messages and emails between him and other women. He'll go out to the bars and be gone sometimes for days at a time with no contact with me. I have called these other women and let them know he's married and yes we are going through issues but still live together. Well their excuse is he said you'd be calling me cause your jealous and don't want him to move on with his life. So the contact continues because they believe his story. All the while he's telling me he wants to be with me and work things out.
I have come to the point where I'm totally fed up. I've been told so many rumors and I do know some are fact. My stuff has been in boxes for months now. He's thrown my stuff and broke up many things. I just can't afford to move out or afford for him to move out and I stay in the house. He's another one that doesn't want to pay the bills. I just saved us from foreclosure on the house. I'm feel like I'm ready to move on and be done with him altogether. I could probably write pages of what I've been through. Has anyone been in a similar situation, if so send me any advice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Hi Blue Eyes. I just joined this today, and you were the first post I looked at! The thing that struck me the most, is we too have been married for 18 years, however he hasn't cheated on me, I have on him; and seriously wish I had never gotten married at 19! We also have 2 kids, and that is the worst problem that goes with my story; I do NOT want to hurt them, or him for that matter. We are on the verge of seperation, living in "limbo" right now. BUT I wanted to give you some encouragement, if you are unhappy, and he is constantly cheating on you? Then you need to hit the road. I don't constantly cheat on my husband, but have a few times, deal with that guilt because I KNOW its wrong in God's eyes, and live my life day to day discontent, and unhappy. I don't love him, love it when he's gone; we are "friends"; he is "madly" in love with me, but I can't return it; and am tired of 1. hurting him, 2. being so unhappy, and 3. feeling guilty. Maybe we can help each other?
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top