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I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry... I'll go. This was a mistake.
No. It was no mistake. Please, @kexpo, do not leave TAM.

Would counselling as a couple help?
 

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Y'all married at 18, having one child and with you pregnant. You were having sex at a young age and he was experienced in having sex even before he met you. How old are the kids? He must have gone to school a long time to be a corporate lawyer (family business?). Did you take care of the kids or get more education?

IMO: your husband may someday get tired of punishing you and move on, but that is not likely. He now leads the single life and has protection from all his girlfriends wanting to marry him. If you are 'lucky' he may fall in love again and leave. It is possible that he is trying to be so mean to you that you will leave and he will invoke the pre-nup. I think you now need good legal advice.

Actually, your 'mistake' could have occurred at just the right time for him. Wonder if he could be feeling guilt because he could have been unfaithful to you secretly before this even happened, who knows? He could have set you up with his friend for all you know. He knows how to control you and does it well.

One could blame him for not showing up for the out of town vaca after he let you go, for not protecting you as a husband should. Y'all could have done a poly years ago to give him truth, but that would have been too easy. If his constant abuse had been physical rather than emotional, would you still be there?

What would you have to feel about him to treat him like he treats you? Not what he 'deserves' but actual feeling? His feelings toward you lean more toward hate than love. Your kids will be damaged seeing his behavior. Financially, he will have to support the kids and if you can prove how he treats you, who knows--likely he would have to pay support until you can find employment training. Hopefully your pre-nup was reviewed by your lawyer--surely you didn't agree to give him the kids? That would have been signed under duress. Does his family know and approve of how he treats you?

The more you kotow to his bullying, the more he will disrespect you. Find your inner strength, please don't let him destroy you.
 

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Discussion Starter #43
My husband won’t do counselling. He doesn’t like it. We did counselling 7 years ago. It went well and our marriage was better. I cheated and we went back 3 or 4 times. He hated it and refuses to go again. He won’t let me go by myself. It helped before so I wish he would try again….

My husband is 5 years older than I am. We had our first when I was 17. We married when I was 18. He was almost 23.

Our kids are 12, 11, 2 and I’m 24 weeks pregnant.

My MIL and FIL put my husband through school. He comes from a family of lawyers. His family owns a law firm. My MIL retired last year but my husband works with my FIL, BIL and my husband’s uncle.

I have a degree. I have barely used it though. It’s in our prenup that our debt isn’t shared. I racked up student debt because it took me longer than normal to finish. Even though we could pay off the student loans my husband doesn’t want to. I don’t think there are any good lawyers left that I could see. My husband said he left the bad ones for me. That’s my fault though….

He could be having relationships with other women? Not only ONS’s or less? Real relationships? He went out last night from 12-3. Who goes out at midnight on a Tuesday…. :( He comes home and wants to have sex though.... He wouldn't if he had just had it right? I need him to be with only me…. I’m trying to make it up to him. I do everything he tells me to....

My husband wouldn’t set his then-friend to have sex with me right? No one would do that right? My husband was mad at the other guy too and they are not friends anymore. He was mad that the guy didn’t use a condom, that we had sex 3 times and a way we did it…. He was more mad at those particular details than the sex itself. Is that normal? He wasn’t mad that the other guy had sex with me while I was way too drunk. The other guy made sure I always had a drink in my hand. I know drinking isn’t an excuse. I don’t use it as one.

When my husband is mad his anger fills the room. He doesn’t hit or yell though. I don’t know what I would do if he hit me though…. I know hitting isn’t okay. He wouldn't. It would be my fault if he did. I feel stuck….

I would never treat him the way he treats me…. Our prenup doesn’t affect child support or custody. I wouldn’t get spousal support. My MIL and FIL made sure the prenup would be airtight. The lawyer I saw said not to sign it…. I was 18. I didn’t think my life would look like this…. Now I’m stuck. We have 3 children together and I’m pregnant. He GPS tracks my phone and vehicle. He records my calls and checks what numbers I call. He looks through my phone. He’d know if I went and talked to a lawyer. I’ll have a bad lawyer. Divorcing him scares me…. That could be worse than this. I don’t want to give up on him. I caused this…. Things could get better.

His family doesn’t know what my marriage is like. We don’t ever fight in public. If something happens in public we deal with it when we’re home. He acts different when we’re alone. People think he’s a good guy and husband. My parents think he’s great and say I’m lucky to have him. He treats everyone else well and people love him. It’s just me…. It’s because I cheated on him.

This morning I read a website called ’25 Signs of a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist’ on lifelessons.co and all of them fit…. He’s my husband though. I shouldn’t be thinking like that. It doesn’t change my marriage. I’m probably wrong anyway.

I want to do something…. I don’t know what to do. I’ve learned to not even say no to anything. I don’t know how to even talk to him. We have a family. I married him to be with him. I didn’t want this or to divorce…. I already threw it away and it’s horrible…. I don’t want to make my life worse by throwing away the rest….
 

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My goodness. I wish I could reach out and hug you. I'm very glad to see you back here.

It would be good for you to start reading about abuse.

Do you have spending money?

Who buys the groceries?

Do you realize that you are a virtual prisoner?
 

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Here I am sitting in my own little corner of the internet hoping your "husband" gets hit by a bus.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am no fan of cheating. But let me lay out a scenario that may be pure fiction. Or may not be. His controlling behavior did not start with your affair. Dealing with things behind closed doors. Not "letting" you do things. His anger filling rooms. I would even bet my farm (I don't have a farm) that you were lonely, confused and in pain. (People on this board will scream NO EXCUSE NO EXCUSE NO EXCUSE. That's fine. Whatever. It is not my point.) I am willing to bet fat stacks of cash that your "husband" was always an abusive ****. And now HE has an excuse to not only remain an abusive **** but add whatever sexual and romantic ventures he feels like to the mix.

Fact? Or fiction?
 

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This morning I read a website called ’25 Signs of a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist’ on lifelessons.co and all of them fit…. He’s my husband though. I shouldn’t be thinking like that. It doesn’t change my marriage. I’m probably wrong anyway.
He didn't just wake up and become a narcissist. The reason why he was interested in your in the first place was partly to do with your age difference. He thought he could control you from the beginning, but when you cheated he saw he couldn't and he tightened the screws and took out every trick in the book to make you believe everything he is saying to you, but the fact is; he is lying to you. He has filled your head with lies.

You believe it's all your fault because that's all you hear. You aren't allowed to hear the truth, which is why you are feeling afraid to even be here. Stop believe lies. Please keep coming back here, but make sure you clear it from your internet history and start using the incognito mode on your device.

And start talking to your family about what's going on. They need to know.
 

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Is that normal? He wasn’t mad that the other guy had sex with me while I was way too drunk. The other guy made sure I always had a drink in my hand. I know drinking isn’t an excuse. I don’t use it as one.
As a women's health nurse I have to tell you that I'm starting to think this man drugged you in addition to getting you drunk. Your spotty memory is very suspicious. The last time I said this to someone she went to the hospital and tested positive for rohypnol after swearing to me up and down that it just wasn't possible. That test saved her marriage. I wish someone had told you to get tested 3 1/2 years ago.

But pushing that aside for a moment, you are an abused wife. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I suspect you were abused long before this incident and that helped make you an easy target. You need help. Start with individual counseling.

If you have daughters, do you want them to grow up learning that it's okay for a man to treat a women the way your husband treats you? If not, you need to get out now!!!!
 

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My husband won’t do counselling. He doesn’t like it. We did counselling 7 years ago. It went well and our marriage was better. I cheated and we went back 3 or 4 times. He hated it and refuses to go again. He won’t let me go by myself. It helped before so I wish he would try again….

My husband is 5 years older than I am. We had our first when I was 17. We married when I was 18. He was almost 23.

Our kids are 12, 11, 2 and I’m 24 weeks pregnant.

My MIL and FIL put my husband through school. He comes from a family of lawyers. His family owns a law firm. My MIL retired last year but my husband works with my FIL, BIL and my husband’s uncle.

I have a degree. I have barely used it though. It’s in our prenup that our debt isn’t shared. I racked up student debt because it took me longer than normal to finish. Even though we could pay off the student loans my husband doesn’t want to. I don’t think there are any good lawyers left that I could see. My husband said he left the bad ones for me. That’s my fault though….

He could be having relationships with other women? Not only ONS’s or less? Real relationships? He went out last night from 12-3. Who goes out at midnight on a Tuesday…. :( He comes home and wants to have sex though.... He wouldn't if he had just had it right? I need him to be with only me…. I’m trying to make it up to him. I do everything he tells me to....

My husband wouldn’t set his then-friend to have sex with me right? No one would do that right? My husband was mad at the other guy too and they are not friends anymore. He was mad that the guy didn’t use a condom, that we had sex 3 times and a way we did it…. He was more mad at those particular details than the sex itself. Is that normal? He wasn’t mad that the other guy had sex with me while I was way too drunk. The other guy made sure I always had a drink in my hand. I know drinking isn’t an excuse. I don’t use it as one.

When my husband is mad his anger fills the room. He doesn’t hit or yell though. I don’t know what I would do if he hit me though…. I know hitting isn’t okay. He wouldn't. It would be my fault if he did. I feel stuck….

I would never treat him the way he treats me…. Our prenup doesn’t affect child support or custody. I wouldn’t get spousal support. My MIL and FIL made sure the prenup would be airtight. The lawyer I saw said not to sign it…. I was 18. I didn’t think my life would look like this…. Now I’m stuck. We have 3 children together and I’m pregnant. He GPS tracks my phone and vehicle. He records my calls and checks what numbers I call. He looks through my phone. He’d know if I went and talked to a lawyer. I’ll have a bad lawyer. Divorcing him scares me…. That could be worse than this. I don’t want to give up on him. I caused this…. Things could get better.

His family doesn’t know what my marriage is like. We don’t ever fight in public. If something happens in public we deal with it when we’re home. He acts different when we’re alone. People think he’s a good guy and husband. My parents think he’s great and say I’m lucky to have him. He treats everyone else well and people love him. It’s just me…. It’s because I cheated on him.

This morning I read a website called ’25 Signs of a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist’ on lifelessons.co and all of them fit…. He’s my husband though. I shouldn’t be thinking like that. It doesn’t change my marriage. I’m probably wrong anyway.

I want to do something…. I don’t know what to do. I’ve learned to not even say no to anything. I don’t know how to even talk to him. We have a family. I married him to be with him. I didn’t want this or to divorce…. I already threw it away and it’s horrible…. I don’t want to make my life worse by throwing away the rest….
Kexpo, how was your marriage before you cheated? was your husband equally as controlling? Making you sign a pre-nup agreement when you were only 18 sounds terrible.
I think you have to stand up to your husband. He doesn't love you he just wants to keep you so he can abuse you and punish you for something which happened over 3 years ago. You tell your H you are having counselling, I am sure you can get counselling which is not so expensive. Tell him you will give the marriage another 6 months and if nothing is working you want a divorce. You are young enough, educated, and he will still have to pay child support, you can support yourself. YOu sound like you have very low self esteem and are not willing to take the blinders off and see your abusive situation for what it is. If he fights with you, record everything. You can buy those small hidden recorders and cameras, ensure you keep records of what goes on within 4 walls, stand up for yourself and stop beating yourself up. Even though what you did was wrong, you allowed yourself to be plyed with alcohol and taken advantage off, which was niave to the extreme, in fact you need to grow up and take control of your life and stop being dependendant on him and allowing him to dictate your life.
You can do this, go to see a women;s group to get advice. He does sound like he has cruel narcissistic tendancies.
 

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I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry... I'll go. This was a mistake.
You sound like a victim, you are NOT a victim, please do something to help yourself. You have young kids who are depending on their mother, young daughters who will one day look up to their mother, what are YOU going to do about it?
 

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In my estimation, you are not back with your husband. He is keeping you handy, and it is helping in feeding his resentment. I have few doubts that at some point this marriage will be terminated, when he figures out favorable custody and favorable division of assets. You are three years out and the situation has not improved. He is basically living life as a single man, and has a built in nanny, maid and chef.

I know that you feel intense guilt for what was done. Sorry, but now you need to figure out whether you want him to continue to walk all over you or demand therapy to determine whether this is salvageable or simply end it and move on.
 

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Discussion Starter #53
I could be overreacting and my husband and marriage are not as bad as I make them seem…. I’m the only person who sees him this way.

I have some of my own money. My husband transfers money if I need it. We use separate banks. I don’t have access to his accounts. He has access to mine and checks it.

Whoever goes shopping buys the groceries. I buy them more often than my husband. Why do you ask?

Our prenup wasn’t my husband’s idea. My MIL and FIL told my husband to do it. They didn’t want my husband to marry me.

He wasn’t this controlling before I cheated. I haven’t done enough for him to trust me again. I don’t have anything to hide except writing here. I’m okay with some of what he does because I’m not cheating. I wish he wouldn’t be as obsessive about it though…. My marriage wasn’t this bad before I cheated. He has always been on the controlling side but not like this.

He wasn’t like this until I cheated. Dealing with problems privately, his anger filling the room, and saying what I can and cannot do has always been part of our marriage. Not to the extent it is now though…. He dialled it up after I cheated. My husband has always done small things that I didn’t like. I dealt with it though. I’m use to it now. He has always been this way. It’s been dialled up for the last 3 1/2 years because of what I did. My husband uses my cheating to justify his actions but he wouldn’t if I hadn’t cheated. I haven’t made it up to him yet…. I don’t like trying to defend my husband…. He’s good too. Before I cheated on my husband we spent a lot of time together. We still have a weekly date night. We have weekend getaways sometimes. He cooks on the weekends. If we’re out he is affectionate. He helps around the house when he can. He’s not all bad….

I’m supposed to say that I had sex with someone because I was selfish and wanted to. I didn’t want to though. I didn’t plan it or think about it beforehand. I was curious occasionally but not about a specific person. I never thought about acting on curiosity. When my husband’s friend came on to me I didn’t want to have sex with him. I wasn’t excited or turned on. He didn’t drug me though…. He wouldn’t have done that. I was conscious. I drank too much. I did something to make him think I wanted to have sex with him. I don’t know what that was though…. When he came onto me I froze and I didn’t know what to do. In my head I wanted him to stop. I went with it because I didn’t know how to make him stop. I know that sounds stupid. My husband doesn’t buy it either. My mental faculties shut down. I participated but I was on autopilot. I hate that I did it…. I still feel gross and dirty. I would take it back if I could. Every time I have sex with my husband I remember what I did and what it felt like. I hate it and that isn’t fair to my husband. The second time I guess I wanted to do it. I don’t remember enough…. Having sex with him felt good…. The limited amount that I remember felt better than any other time I’ve had sex…. I know that’s bad and I shouldn’t even say it. I think it was because I was so drunk. There was nothing special about him. My husband hates that though. That’s fair and it’s my fault. The third time I was too hungover and felt too gross to care. The hangover was horrible and I could barely move. I wanted him to get it over with and leave me alone…. My husband doesn’t believe me. I don’t expect anyone else to. I was upset and mad that my husband changed his mind and didn’t come. I didn’t plan to cheat because of it though....

I don’t know how to talk to my parents about this. They might think I’m overreacting and being stupid. My parents are complicated. My mom isn’t a naturally nurturing person. She tries but she isn’t easy to talk to. My dad was emotionally nonexistent. His only parenting role was discipline and control. He was in the military and gone a lot. I’m not close to either of my parents. I talk to them and see them but I’ve never talked to them about my problems. My dad and husband are similar in some ways. That’s how it goes I guess…. I don’t want my kids to be in marriages that feel like this…. I’m a bad parent if I stay and a bad parent if I go.

Is there anything that I can do to fix this? We saw a marriage counsellor 3 years ago. We talked about giving it 2 years. If I couldn’t do the work and help him trust me 2 years was our end point. I don’t know what else to do…. I caused this. I want to fix it :( I'm sorry this is long....
 

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#1 thing you need to understand is that there is no magic formula for making your husband see the light and change his ways. You cannot control him. You can only control yourself. Therefore, if this situation is going to change, you have to be the one making changes that he has to adjust to.

In order to protect yourself, I recommend that you get a safety deposit box and start putting money in it. If you get another bank account, he will find out, because it's part of that tax documents. It is important for you to start developing a nest egg. You can do this without him knowing.

When you go shopping, always, always get cash back. Put it in the safety deposit box. He will never know. You can slowly increase the amount you get back until you are getting $50 at at time. This will start to add up soon and will give you a sense of security and hope.

Your husband going to all the attorneys in town is a tactic that is frowned up and he could actually get into legal trouble for it.

If you live in a community property state, you have more rights than you realize, despite the prenup.

I recommend you tell your husband that you want to be the best wife possible and need to get into therapy to resolve things that are holding you back from doing that. If he still refuses, then let it rest for a while, then tell him that you need help in dealing with the children and being the best mom you can be.

Does your husband monitor your book purchases?

You could start visiting your parents and let them know that there is trouble in your marriage. You don't need their advice or emotional support, but they do need to be aware. Do you trust your parents to babysit?

Do you have a babysitter? What do you do with the children when you need to get your hair and/or nails done?

You are in no hurry, but it's time to start working on a plan and taking back your life a little at a time.
 

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I’m not so sure you weren’t raped, were you actually in a position to say NO? I think seeing a therapist to talk through the sex with the OM might be enlighten8ng, some cognitive work or even hypnotherapy?
 

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"I’m the only person who sees him this way. " I think he is very narcissitic -- they worry about about how THEY look to others -- it's all a front. He is treating you like crap and YOU NEED TO STAND UP. Please stop feeling so guilty.

YES you cheated and that was a ****ty thing to you. YOU need to get to counseling to see WHY you did this so that you can fix yourself. However, HE is using you as a punching bag in private -- you need to stop putting up with this.
 

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I haven't read all 4 pages, I don't have to after reading the first post.

This is wrong.

He had a right to divorce you and carry on with his own life.

He does not have a right to hold you hostage through your guilt and indenture you to a life of torment and mistreatment.

This is cruelty and abuse. This is not reconciliation.

Your H is an ass an perpetuating evil and you are perfectly in your right to walk away.

This is a toxic and harmful relationship.

BS's have the right to extricate themselves from infidelity and carry on with their own lives and have the right to leave their WS's behind.

They do not have the right to dangle reconciliation and then use the WS's guilt as weapon to torture, humiliate and torment them.

Your H is a cruel and abusive bully that does not have a right to loving wife. Being cheated on does not entitle anyone to the mistreatment of others even if the WS did cheat.

Both the H and the H's friend are horrible people. Birds of a feather often do flock together. But in this case it's more like a pack of rats.

You'd do well to get away from all of them.
 

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Maybe the damage was just to great. This is a terrible story, but what your husband is doing to you is not right, and what you have is not a marriage. Some things in life just end before you expect. It's better to accept that. Seems like you two together now is just toxic.

I am not even going to mention his cruelness to you because you don't want to, but even looking at it from that perspective you seem to see this is kind of you penance for what you did. The thing is even if you look at it that way, first off there will never be any justice after infidelity. It just doesn't work that way. Second he way your husband is acting now is destroying his character. So in a sense you being together is making it worse. How will this effect your kids? How about their relationship with him?

Sounds like he already had issues, and you being together is just making it worse. One of the hard lessons that even very deeply remorseful adulterers learn is that you can't heal your spouse, the spouse has to heal themselves. The irony is that you took away his agency in his life for a time when you cheated, but he is the only one who has agency in his own healing.

Everything in life ends eventually.
 

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I’m not so sure you weren’t raped, were you actually in a position to say NO? I think seeing a therapist to talk through the sex with the OM might be enlighten8ng, some cognitive work or even hypnotherapy?
It's sound like after the first time she was too inebriated to say yes or no. The first time doesn't sound like that as she tells it. Freezing from surprise though unfortunate is not the same in my mind.
 
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