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Hi everyone. I’m new here. I’m uncomfortable talking about this issue to my friends and family. I guess I’m hoping someone out there will be able to relate or help in some way. I feel bad saying anything about my marriage like this. I don’t want to go behind my husband’s back. I’m struggling though. I don’t want to excuse anything I do with a but/though. Ugh…. I’m extremely nervous to write this here.

Here it goes…. 3.5 years ago I was unfaithful to my husband. I absolutely hate it and regret it. I hate what it did to my husband, my marriage, myself and our kids. When I think about it or talk about it I still get sick to my stomach and hate the choice I made. When my husband found out he told me to leave and we were separated for 4 months. He decided he wanted to get back together and I wanted to be with him too. We did a few sessions of marriage counselling but my husband didn’t like it. I bought books and read online. I want to do what I can for my marriage. I'll do anything.

The past 3 years have been extremely difficult. I don’t expect my marriage to go back to the way it was but I want it to be better than this. Maybe that’s not how this goes…. My husband says that I don’t deserve his fidelity and gave up that right when I cheated. Sometimes he stays out all night. When he does that he won’t tell me where he was because I don’t deserve to know. I know that he has slept with someone else before…. I hate that but I know I deserved it. He told me that he did it. Now he won’t tell me though and it’s really hard. Whenever he’s late, stays out all night, or is on his phone I’m flooded with sadness and worry. He can look at my phone whenever he wants but I'm not allowed to touch his stuff. I know I deserve that because of what I did to him. It's just hard.... I broke the trust not him. He deserves privacy. Is this how it’s supposed to be forever? We have moments of happiness and some good times. Sometimes weeks of being happy. Our marriage can be doing well then my husband brings up my infidelity out of the blue. I know that he needs to get it out and I won’t tell him to get over it. I have never told him to get over it. Does this last forever? I’m always waiting for the next remark that he will make. They cut deep…. I know that I deserve that and I made my own bed. I hate not knowing what he will say when he walks into the room. Does it ever get better or is this it? I know that I chose this path. Should I stop hoping for it to get better?

I’m pregnant and he won’t help me, go to appointments, touch me or talk about it because he thinks it’s not his. I know that’s my fault. I was pregnant when I cheated on him 3 years ago but was too early to know. He didn't think it was his. Now with this pregnancy he assumes it's not his again. I know that it is.... I haven't been with anyone else this time.... He won't do a DNA test. He doesn't want to spend money on it. He will when the baby is born.... I hate that. I know I won’t ever get my old marriage back. I don’t want my marriage to be like this forever though. Is this how it’s supposed to be? I know it’s my fault. My family says how lucky I am that my husband took me back and uses us as an example sometimes but they don’t know how hard it is. I probably shouldn’t be writing this at all because I’m doing it behind his back. I shouldn't be doing anything that I hide from him. I promised I would never hide anything from him.

I want to give full disclosure…. I had sex with my husband's ex-best friend. I was pregnant at the time but I didn’t know yet…. I had sex with him 3 times in one day. I’m not trying to defend or excuse my actions. I’m trying to be honest and give as clear of a picture as I can…. My husband will ask me questions about it and I always come across wrong. I take full responsibility for my choices…. We made plans with our friends to spend the weekend at a friend’s vacation property. I carpooled with 2 friends of ours because my husband was working out of town. He was going to meet me there. My husband decided not to go and I couldn’t go home because I carpooled. I didn’t know I was pregnant because we weren’t trying that month. I rarely drink alcohol but drank that night. After 5-6 drinks I went and laid down and my husband’s ex-best friend came and laid down beside me and talked to me. He knew I was upset that my husband wasn’t there. I was attracted to him…. We weren’t close but we had known each other for 10 years. He would quietly tear down my husband and build himself up and I allowed it and dismissed it. I know that was wrong for me to allow for so many years. The night I had sex with him he talked to me about my husband ditching me. He touched me and kissed me and I froze. I didn’t know how to stop it at that moment…. He was attractive and I liked his company, but I didn’t want to do that. I went along with it and had sex with him…. I didn’t know how to stop it…. After it was over I laid there for a while crying. Our friends thought I was upset about my husband not being there and encouraged me to drink more. I drank more because I wanted to forget what I did. I drank a lot more. More than I ever have. I could barely walk and collapsed in bed. My husband’s ex-best friend came in again. I only remember flashes of it…. My husband hates that and thinks it’s an excuse. I remember letting him take my pants off…. Being on my knees and him in me…. It feeling good.... Letting him do something else… It being over. In the bathroom puking. Laying beside him. Then waking up to him rubbing me down there and putting it in. 2 of the 3 times he didn’t use a condom and didn’t pull out…. I don’t remember if he did the 2nd time. I avoided him and being alone the rest of Saturday and Sunday. I hate writing all of that…. :( I would take it back if I could. I hate it and feel disgusting. My husband found out from a friend. I didn’t get to tell him…. I didn’t want to tell him that over the phone and I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell him and planned to tell him when I went home on Sunday. A friend had walked in on us Saturday morning and knew what we did. He told my husband while I was on my way home. When I got home my husband told me to leave and not to go back inside our house. I stayed with a friend then later with my parents. I hate what I did….

I want to make my marriage better....:( I know I'm lucky my husband even wants to be with me and keep our family intact. I'll do anything to fix my mistake....

Ugh..... I'm sorry it's so long.

**To clarify, this baby is 100% my husbands.... I cheated 3 years ago. I was pregnant with #3 when I cheated. I was too early to know about it when I cheated and my husband didn't think it was his. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I cheated. I'm pregnant with our 4th now.

My husband doesn't want me to do counselling because he doesn't think I should have privacy.... He wants to know what I talk about to anyone. So just writing this is wrong.... I tried one of the online counselling paid sites before so he could read what I said. I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage.
 

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You need to get into individual therapy. You did a seriously awful thing, but you cannot have a healthy marriage with your husband treating you contemptuously. If you gave up the right to his fidelity, then he has given his up as well. Get some real help. Living in shame and allowing yourself to be abused is not the answer.
 

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First of all, if you husband has "taken you back" and you both have done the work to REALLY reconcile, then he shouldn't be holding this over your head.
Taking you back, and then HIM cheating on YOU isn't OK at ALL. Not how marriage is supposed to work. If he is doing this, you really have NO marriage and should just divorce him.

In addition, for the baby, you can have DNA testing done (not sure how soon -- maybe 12 weeks? You'd have to check with your Doctor) to find out who the father is. If it is him, end of story. If the other guy, then you can go after him for child support.

Clearly, you know you broke the trust and the marriage by doing this. He is going through all sorts of **** right now because of what you decided to do. However, he doesn't have the right to abuse you over it. You BOTH need counseling as well as marriage counseling. If he isn't willing to talk or let you in, you know the marriage really is already over.
 

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Hi everyone. I’m new here. I’m uncomfortable talking about this issue to my friends and family. I guess I’m hoping someone out there will be able to relate or help in some way. I feel bad saying anything about my marriage like this. I don’t want to go behind my husband’s back. I’m struggling though. I don’t want to excuse anything I do with a but/though. Ugh…. I’m extremely nervous to write this here.

Here it goes…. 3.5 years ago I was unfaithful to my husband. I absolutely hate it and regret it. I hate what it did to my husband, my marriage, myself and our kids. When I think about it or talk about it I still get sick to my stomach and hate the choice I made. When my husband found out he told me to leave and we were separated for 4 months. He decided he wanted to get back together and I wanted to be with him too. We did a few sessions of marriage counselling but my husband didn’t like it. I bought books and read online. I want to do what I can for my marriage. I'll do anything.

The past 3 years have been extremely difficult. I don’t expect my marriage to go back to the way it was but I want it to be better than this. Maybe that’s not how this goes…. My husband says that I don’t deserve his fidelity and gave up that right when I cheated. Sometimes he stays out all night. When he does that he won’t tell me where he was because I don’t deserve to know. I know that he has slept with someone else before…. I hate that but I know I deserved it. He told me that he did it. Now he won’t tell me though and it’s really hard. Whenever he’s late, stays out all night, or is on his phone I’m flooded with sadness and worry. He can look at my phone whenever he wants but I'm not allowed to touch his stuff. I know I deserve that because of what I did to him. It's just hard.... I broke the trust not him. He deserves privacy. Is this how it’s supposed to be forever? We have moments of happiness and some good times. Sometimes weeks of being happy. Our marriage can be doing well then my husband brings up my infidelity out of the blue. I know that he needs to get it out and I won’t tell him to get over it. I have never told him to get over it. Does this last forever? I’m always waiting for the next remark that he will make. They cut deep…. I know that I deserve that and I made my own bed. I hate not knowing what he will say when he walks into the room. Does it ever get better or is this it? I know that I chose this path. Should I stop hoping for it to get better?

I’m pregnant and he won’t help me, go to appointments, touch me or talk about it because he thinks it’s not his. I know that’s my fault. I didn’t know I was pregnant when I cheated on him. I know I won’t ever get my old marriage back. I don’t want my marriage to be like this forever though. Is this how it’s supposed to be? I know it’s my fault. My family says how lucky I am that my husband took me back and uses us as an example sometimes but they don’t know how hard it is. I probably shouldn’t be writing this at all because I’m doing it behind his back. I shouldn't be doing anything that I hide from him. I promised I would never hide anything from him.

I want to give full disclosure…. I had sex with my husband's ex-best friend. I was pregnant at the time but I didn’t know yet…. I had sex with him 3 times in one day. I’m not trying to defend or excuse my actions. I’m trying to be honest and give as clear of a picture as I can…. My husband will ask me questions about it and I always come across wrong. I take full responsibility for my choices…. We made plans with our friends to spend the weekend at a friend’s vacation property. I carpooled with 2 friends of ours because my husband was working out of town. He was going to meet me there. My husband decided not to go and I couldn’t go home because I carpooled. I didn’t know I was pregnant because we weren’t trying that month. I rarely drink alcohol but drank that night. After 5-6 drinks I went and laid down and my husband’s ex-best friend came and laid down beside me and talked to me. He knew I was upset that my husband wasn’t there. I was attracted to him…. We weren’t close but we had known each other for 10 years. He would quietly tear down my husband and build himself up and I allowed it and dismissed it. I know that was wrong for me to allow for so many years. The night I had sex with him he talked to me about my husband ditching me. He touched me and kissed me and I froze. I didn’t know how to stop it at that moment…. He was attractive and I liked his company, but I didn’t want to do that. I went along with it and had sex with him…. I didn’t know how to stop it…. After it was over I laid there for a while crying. Our friends thought I was upset about my husband not being there and encouraged me to drink more. I drank more because I wanted to forget what I did. I drank a lot more. More than I ever have. I could barely walk and collapsed in bed. My husband’s ex-best friend came in again. I only remember flashes of it…. My husband hates that and thinks it’s an excuse. I remember letting him take my pants off…. Being on my knees and him in me…. It feeling good.... Letting him do something else… It being over. In the bathroom puking. Laying beside him. Then waking up to him rubbing me down there and putting it in. 2 of the 3 times he didn’t use a condom and didn’t pull out…. I don’t remember if he did the 2nd time. I avoided him and being alone the rest of Saturday and Sunday. I hate writing all of that…. :( I would take it back if I could. I hate it and feel disgusting. My husband found out from a friend. I didn’t get to tell him…. I didn’t want to tell him that over the phone and I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell him and planned to tell him when I went home on Sunday. A friend had walked in on us Saturday morning and knew what we did. He told my husband while I was on my way home. When I got home my husband told me to leave and not to go back inside our house. I stayed with a friend then later with my parents. I hate what I did….

I want to make my marriage better....:( I know I'm lucky my husband even wants to be with me and keep our family intact. I'll do anything to fix my mistake....

Ugh..... I'm sorry it's so long.

You and your husband have not reconciled. You are living together but you are not acting like a couple. His revenge affairs are doing nothing to heal your marriage. You thinking you deserve his treatment has to stop. You've indicated you will do what it takes to heal things but taking his abuse is taking it a step too far.

I think you need to take a couple steps. One is to start some counseling for yourself. You need help navigating the situation you find yourself in. You also need to learn why a man who was not your husband was able to have sex with you because you "didn't know how to stop it." That tells me you were either drugged in addition to all the alcohol or you have some issues surrounding sex and expectations of men and women. The way to stop it was to push him off of you and walk out of the room. That needs to get resolved now before you end up with someone else. The other is to tell your husband that it all stops now. Either you're married or you're not. He can't be going out and doing whatever and whoever he wants and flaunting it in your face. His goal was to hurt you as you hurt him. It sounds like that was accomplished so now it's time to knock it off. If he refuses, leave him. Maybe some time apart will make him realize what he really wants, whether that's to stay together or not. Your therapist should be able to help you see that made this horrible choice, you don't deserve to be treated in such a way from your husband indefinitely.

If you haven't had a paternity test yet, you need one.. Your husband shouldn't have to go through the entire pregnancy wondering if that baby is his. That's unfair. And although you might feel confident he is the father, I'd hope you can see why he is not confident of that. If he won't take one, ask the other man to do it to help you. But don't expect much. He had no problem sleeping with his friends overly intoxicated wife. He sounds like he's not the most upstanding guy.
 

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"Here it goes…. 3.5 years ago I was unfaithful to my husband. I absolutely hate it and regret it. "
...
"The past 3 years have been extremely difficult. "
.....
"I’m pregnant and he won’t help me, go to appointments, touch me or talk about it because he thinks it’s not his. I know that’s my fault. I didn’t know I was pregnant when I cheated on him. "

?? I just realized the story here -- you said you were unfaithful 3.5 YEARS ago, but then say that you didn't know you were pregnant when you cheated and are pregnant NOW?

? I'm missing something -- did you mean 3.5 MONTHS ago you cheated?
 

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It sounds to me like your H has no intentions of forgiving you and working on the marriage. He keeps you there to punish you. What he is doing is NOT OK, and I think you need to leave. Maybe after some time apart he can get his anger under control and then you can see where you guys are at. You do need to come to terms with the fact that he may very well never forgive you. If that is how this ends up, then you should NOT remain married to him. Subjecting yourself to a lifetime of punishment is no way to live.

Have your baby DNA tested. He needs to know beyond a doubt that the baby is his. Even if you dont stay together, he will need to step up and take responsibility if it is.

As has been mentioned, you need to get into some kind of counseling for yourself. You need to find out what made you do this, why you were so weak, and what you need to do to keep it from happening again. You keep saying that you deserve everything he is doing to you, but you dont. If you were still in your affair or not remorseful and trying to put in the work, then that would be a different story. No one deserves to be treated like this, and I feel you should leave both for your own emotional health and for the health of the baby you are carrying.
 

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I don’t expect my marriage to go back to the way it was but I want it to be better than this. Maybe that’s not how this goes….
It is unfortunate, but it may not be "how this goes". There are very few marriages which are ever the same after an affair. This would be especially true after there has been adultery on both sides of the marriage.

I'm not sure about your pregnancy, you speak about it in the present tense but your affair was 3.5 years ago. It's true that you can get DNA testing to prove you husband's paternity whether you have a 3-year-old child or are carrying now. I recommend you do this, settle this issue completely with your husband, regarding any children about which progeneration is in dispute.

Unless you two seek professional help, your marriage is not likely to improve significantly. Although there are some testimonies which say "our marriage got better because of an affair"....the truth is, affairs never make the marriage better. What makes the marriage better is that the two people "do the work" which needed to be done prior to the affair, but wasn't.
 

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Her baby is two years old and she is pregnant again. This has been going on for three years, since her husband found out.

How do you know that your toddler is your husband's? Did you have a DNA test done?
 

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I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I cheated 3 years ago. I was pregnant with #3 when I cheated. I was too early to know about it when I cheated and my husband didn't think it was his. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I cheated. I'm pregnant with our 4th now. This baby is 100% my husbands and he wanted it.

I had a DNA test on our 3rd after birth. My husband wants another DNA test when this baby is born. He doesn't want to do a prenatal DNA test because of the cost.

My husband doesn't want me to do counselling because he doesn't think I should have privacy.... He wants to know what I talk about to anyone. So just writing this is wrong.... I tried one of the online counselling paid sites before so he could read what I said. I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage.
 

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The test doesn't have to be done prenatally.

It's not a good idea to hide counseling from your husband. Go to a marriage counselor. If he won't go, then he really does not want things to be different in your marriage, he prefers this "license" he has to behave poorly.

You have every good right to end your marriage, because of your husband's adultery and poor treatment. Although, I commend you for wanting to save your marriage and be a complete nuclear family for your children.

It is true that you've contributed in a major way to the demise of your marriage. So has your husband.
 

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I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I cheated 3 years ago. I was pregnant with #3 when I cheated. I was too early to know about it when I cheated and my husband didn't think it was his. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I cheated. I'm pregnant with our 4th now. This baby is 100% my husbands and he wanted it.

I had a DNA test on our 3rd after birth. My husband wants another DNA test when this baby is born. He doesn't want to do a prenatal DNA test because of the cost.

My husband doesn't want me to do counselling because he doesn't think I should have privacy.... He wants to know what I talk about to anyone. So just writing this is wrong.... I tried one of the online counselling paid sites before so he could read what I said. I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage.
It is not wrong for you to seek help. It is wrong for your husband to isolate you. It's abusive. Your husband is punishing you. That is abuse.
Dear lady I am sorry that you are suffering like this. Please stick around here and get help. It may take some time before you understand this, but please listen. Your husband does not have a right to commit adultery. He especially doesn't have a right to blame it on you. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

It is right and good that you should seek help. Your husband is lying to you when he says you shouldn't.
 

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"I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage."
But HE is continuing to help mess up the marriage -- what you have now is YOU being a whipping post for him. He gets to do whatever he wants, have sex with anyone he wants, goes anywhere and you are not allowed to know anything. THAT is not a marriage.
That is him abusing you for 3 years for you cheating.

YOU can divorce at any time -- just because you cheated first, doesn't mean you need to accept this type of abuse.
YOU are feeling guilty (understandably), but HE is manipulating/abusing you due to this guilt.

You having counseling is good for YOU and your marriage. Tell him you aren't hiding anything -- you are trying to understand why you did what you did and so that you can get better and NOT have that happen again.
He is just flat out abusing you at every chance due to this. HE needs counseling to get past this extreme anger.
 

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I'm sorry I wasn't clear. I cheated 3 years ago. I was pregnant with #3 when I cheated. I was too early to know about it when I cheated and my husband didn't think it was his. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I cheated. I'm pregnant with our 4th now. This baby is 100% my husbands and he wanted it.

I had a DNA test on our 3rd after birth. My husband wants another DNA test when this baby is born. He doesn't want to do a prenatal DNA test because of the cost.

My husband doesn't want me to do counselling because he doesn't think I should have privacy.... He wants to know what I talk about to anyone. So just writing this is wrong.... I tried one of the online counselling paid sites before so he could read what I said. I can't divorce him.... I'm the one that messed up our marriage.
He wants you trapped.
 

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okay what you did was wrong...and it sucked but i have to say that your husband wanted to get back after 4 month separation, if that was the case then why do so under the duress of be a jerk. It would have been better to divorce instead you got back so he could shame you, belittle you into staying giving him all the power....yeah honestly i would tell him enough is enough and he either stop his crap or you plan on divorcing him and put him in the poor house. you have a one sided marriage.
 

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It is not wrong for you to seek help. It is wrong for your husband to isolate you. It's abusive. Your husband is punishing you. That is abuse.
Dear lady I am sorry that you are suffering like this. Please stick around here and get help. It may take some time before you understand this, but please listen. Your husband does not have a right to commit adultery. He especially doesn't have a right to blame it on you. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

It is right and good that you should seek help. Your husband is lying to you when he says you shouldn't.
Yes, please. Seconding this.
 

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You know, if he had gone out and had a one night stand revenge affair, even though that is still a crappy thing, then you could say "touche" and call things even. But three years of allowing him to abuse you isnt atonement, and no, its not normal. I feel terrible for you, because you think you deserve this. NO ONE deserves this.

One thing I dont understand though is WHY you would be bringing another child into this mess with such a horrible man?
 

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I'm the one in the wrong though. I caused our problems. It was his best friend....

Having a 4th baby was a spur of the moment choice. It wasn't a good choice.... My husband said he didn't want to use a condom and that having another would be okay. He said it would fix our problems. I was stupid to go along with that. It was only once but it only takes one time. He had a condom out then changed his mind on using it. That wasn't enough planning or thinking about adding another child. I wanted to do anything to fix my marriage.... I clung onto what he said and went with it.... I know I'm stupid. As soon as I got pregnant he said it wasn't his....
 

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You know, if he had gone out and had a one night stand revenge affair, even though that is still a crappy thing, then you could say "touche" and call things even. But three years of allowing him to abuse you isnt atonement, and no, its not normal. I feel terrible for you, because you think you deserve this. NO ONE deserves this.

One thing I dont understand though is WHY you would be bringing another child into this mess with such a horrible man?
I couldn't possibly agree more. He is doing all of this on purpose to make you suffer for hurting him. And he's alienating you from other people to make you weak. Did he do these things before you cheated? Did he want this new baby or you? He could be wanting you tied down with children so you see no clear way to leave him. I'm wondering if his controlling behavior contributed to your feelings of not being able to stop the other man when you had sex. If you've been controlled all this time, you definitely need counseling. And children or no, there is always a way to leave.

Has he ever hurt you physically? Have you ever thought he was about to but then was able to stop himself? If so, these are very serious red flags.

Again, no one deserves what he's doing to you.
 

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I'm the one in the wrong though. I caused our problems. It was his best friend....

.
Yes you caused the original break by sleeping with his best friend a number of times.
HE IS CONTINUING the problem. You WERE in the wrong and have tried to atone, yes?
HE IS IN THE WRONG and is doing nothing but abusing YOU WITH IT....

You had original sin, but he is the one sinning now (and repeatedly). He is using your one night of cheating to allow him THREE YEARS of cheating.

You really need counseling (or go see a priest) to get over this crippling guilt you have (and yet he has none...).
 
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