[coolhandscott]

My story sort of starts in September 2011, but in many ways a long time before. When I found out the worst, we had just had a very bad argument and she was on her way to a weekend away in another country with her girlfriends, she said she no longer wanted me in response to a similar response from me and I left her by the station, not knowing anything more at this point. I did not mean what I said so was surprised by her response. When I came back home with my 6 year old daughter who had been in the car during this exchange, my mind started working and something woke up. I had never in all the time we had been together, 15 years, considered that my wife would ever break our vows, just a rough patch. We had been having a very turbulent time after the loss of my business and I had risked a lot of our security on a big payout, which failed.

I instinctively hacked into her face book account and all was there to see, it was worse than I could ever have imagined, I was stunned, firstly I found out she had an affair whilst on holiday with her best friend in July, the messages told it all, some twenties guy. She then started approaching other men on face book, I am 45, my wife wife 39, they were middle twenties, highly sexual in tone. She then booked a flight back to the same location she had gone on holiday on her company credit card without telling me, just a week after returning from her holiday.. such an idiot I was. Then I saw on her her friends network, that my wife was getting divorced, recommendations for various specialised dating networks appeared and worst of all membership and events booked for a high class group sex club, by her friend, my wife is very pretty. On top of this there were many messages of a sexual nature from many men trying to approach her and messages referring to the night before and how great it was. There were references to various parties that had happened during this time, with these men attending. I was devastated. I phoned my wife as soon as she arrived on holiday, she said initially it was flirting, but when I told her what I knew, she understood, on another call said she could not stomach anything after I told her what I knew, her face book account was closed down, but not before I could see various men trying to contact her and her friend and I had to wait 3 days for her to return. I think she had sex with one of these en before she returned. I picked her up and she said after a few questions from me, that she wanted to separate and did not want to go into details, as she did not want to hurt me. I cried like a baby, I could not have been more hurt.

A sent a lot of emails to her saying everything about our past, my mistakes etc. within a week I kept it cool, we spoke about our past, how much I had hurt her in the past. At this point I must say as I see it, we had not made love much, a few times a year at most, we had become house mates. I had an incredibly stressful job, lost the business and incurred many debts, I was at my lowest ebb. My wife had been on depressants for a very long time and a few months earlier, had gone for private help and she says it was the best thing she ever did, clearly it made her feel better, renewed. She said I should have done more, probably true, but only with hindsight, to me for for many years she was a shadow of what I had fallen in love with, always suffering with depression. I had just become used to it, it affected everything. I know with hindsight I could and should have done more. I think these drugs woke her up. She started a successful business, mine had failed even though it had for the last 12 years given us a great life and a new luxury 7 bedroom home. She was alive again, but I did not see it then, then all the usual, comestic surgery, new clothes, bikini wax etc you know the story.

Within a week of talking she asked me if I wanted to make love, I did, she looked great, for the next few months it was 1 or 2 times per day. Still I installed some software to see what she was up to and sure enough she was in contact with the new guy she had met on holiday, he was 26. to cut a long story short, this continued, I could see everything, kept this to myself, but made 'insightful comments' to her I could see her warning her boyfriend and wondering how I could know. She was planning to see him again, but changed her mind at the last minute, she said later because it would hurt me. Many references on MSN messages to my husband is coming, later etc Even my husband and I will live separately, please come I will pay for you ticket etc I could see it all. Eventually I let on I knew, she wondered how. She then went to a solicitor/lawyer I only found out only when the bill arrived. She found out through a friend we both knew, that I planning to date other women, this was not real, never went on any and then we went away for Christmas. We had a week with our daughter and her family and shortly after we returned she said she wanted to make a go of our relationship. I had seen a few weeks ealier a reference to a text sent from anther phone to her boyfriend, probably via a friend and then no further contact, all it said was there was bad news. He tried to contact her, but she blocked him on her face book.

We reconciled, I think the 180 helped and the fact I was willing to date other women changed her. But what I think really happened is the girlfriend she was with had a falling out and I can only guess why as my wife is more beautiful than her and was cramping her style.

So fast forward, she is still here, 10 months later no evidence of anything wrong, I did check everything, it all stopped, I do not do anymore, except easy stuff, she says she loves me, but that I deserved it. I am still a mess, unable to get over the past, most of what I read on this forum refers to an affair with one guy, not 5 in two months. Every day it plagues me, a number of times I have spurt it out how much it hurts and all she says is she wants me to delete everything I have as it upsets me, shes also says she did not think it would be easy to get over. Yes it does hurt, so much, when I look again I always see more. She has started recently to be in contact with a girlfriend who was very involved at the time organising the events with the different men, now just lunches, but I have seen texts inviting her to more evening events. I even received a letter from her apologising for encouraging my wife at the time, saying never would do that again, she did it to her husband who had an accident last March 2011, and was incapacitated for life, so sorry to lose me as a friend, we had known each other for 15 years, etc. She also told her sister she would never do that again, she would just leave me. Then presumably do what she wanted.

But our sex life has now gone down to once every few weeks over the last few months, I am still no further ahead in getting back to where I was financially, but much more considerate and we have not argued for over a year. We are on the face of it very good with each other, I do relapse sometimes which upsets her, but mostly we are happy together, communicating, no criticism and cuddling. She still blames me a lot for the loss of our financial status and the restrictions, but has returned to being loving with me.

So this is the point, I got her back (Was it because of the 180, money unable to move out, what her solicitor said, change of heart or argument with her girlfriend stopping her adventures etc?), how do I let this go, should I. I did what I did in the past, I really wanted to make things work with her, so kept trying under impossible circumstances, I am sure most men could not put up with what I saw, not sure how I did, I was on autopilot, but I know I could have done better in the past, she had some good points, I have changed those areas, but it still hurts that she blames me entirely. Did I do the right thing?

So in a way, I have what I wanted, her back, my child and home, past and future etc But am left with so much pain and concern for the future, it has thrown me and given her a lot of power. I cannot get out of my mind what she did, to her it seems much less or in the past. I think I am coming out of shock. Will time resolve all or will it stay the same, did I do the right thing?

 

[Ovid]

I'll let someone more patient tell you the full truth but the fact that she says you deserved it shows that she has not repented is not sorry, and may even be underground with more. Until she takes full responsibility and owns it there is no R. You are just rug sweeping which will only open you up to more pain in the near future.

 

[Will_Kane]

It seems that she equates your contributions to the marital problems, financial and otherwise, to her affair and, in her mind, she has called it even. She told you that you deserved what you got. She does not appreciate any of your hard work or financial success, but she punished you for your financial failure. Let that be a lesson to you not to screw up financially again, or she will have to punish you again.

She does not seem afraid of you leaving her, she knows she will be fine without you. She doesn't fear at all what effect it will have on your child.

You, on the other hand, seem desparate and terrified of losing her and the effect this will have on your child.

If the roles had been reversed, she never would have put up with what you have. She would have left you in a second.

She believes you're lucky to have her.

What would happen if you told your wife that she can't have contact with anyone who enabled her affairs, like her friend who she has reestablished contact with?

What would happen if you told your wife you wanted her to write a letter of apology to you?

 

[Hope1964]

There is not a shred of anything to do with the 180 in your post. You did not do a 180.

The only reason your wife is with you right now is because you are allowing her to have sex with whomever she pleases and you do nothing about it. You are the babysitter for her, and someone who will screw her if she feels like not bothering to have sex with one of her boyfriends. You probably also do housework and other things for her.

She has you completely cowed.

Nothing is ever going to be resolved until you put a stop to her behaviour.

Read the newbie link in my signature.

You need to be tested for STD's. You need to kick your wife to the curb. You need to start living life for yourself and not for her. You need to learn why you allow yourself to be treated this way.

 

[Will_Kane]

When I came back home with my 6 year old daughter who had been in the car during this exchange, my mind started working and something woke up. I had never in all the time we had been together, 15 years, considered that my wife would ever break our vows, just a rough patch. We had been having a very turbulent time after the loss of my business and I had risked a lot of our security on a big payout, which failed.

I instinctively hacked into her face book account and all was there to see, it was worse than I could ever have imagined, I was stunned, firstly I found out she had an affair whilst on holiday with her best friend in July, the messages told it all, some twenties guy. She then started approaching other men on face book, I am 45, my wife wife 39, they were middle twenties, highly sexual in tone. She then booked a flight back to the same location she had gone on holiday on her company credit card without telling me, just a week after returning from her holiday.. such an idiot I was. Then I saw on her her friends network, that my wife was getting divorced, recommendations for various specialised dating networks appeared and worst of all membership and events booked for a high class group sex club, by her friend, my wife is very pretty. On top of this there were many messages of a sexual nature from many men trying to approach her and messages referring to the night before and how great it was. There were references to various parties that had happened during this time, with these men attending. I was devastated. I phoned my wife as soon as she arrived on holiday, she said initially it was flirting, but when I told her what I knew, she understood, on another call said she could not stomach anything after I told her what I knew, her face book account was closed down, but not before I could see various men trying to contact her and her friend and I had to wait 3 days for her to return. I think she had sex with one of these en before she returned. I picked her up and she said after a few questions from me, that she wanted to separate and did not want to go into details, as she did not want to hurt me. I cried like a baby, I could not have been more hurt.

A sent a lot of emails to her saying everything about our past, my mistakes etc. within a week I kept it cool, we spoke about our past, how much I had hurt her in the past. At this point I must say as I see it, we had not made love much, a few times a year at most, we had become house mates. I had an incredibly stressful job, lost the business and incurred many debts, I was at my lowest ebb. My wife had been on depressants for a very long time and a few months earlier, had gone for private help and she says it was the best thing she ever did, clearly it made her feel better, renewed. She said I should have done more, probably true, but only with hindsight, to me for for many years she was a shadow of what I had fallen in love with, always suffering with depression. I had just become used to it, it affected everything. I know with hindsight I could and should have done more. I think these drugs woke her up. She started a successful business, mine had failed even though it had for the last 12 years given us a great life and a new luxury 7 bedroom home. She was alive again, but I did not see it then, then all the usual, comestic surgery, new clothes, bikini wax etc you know the story.

Within a week of talking she asked me if I wanted to make love, I did, she looked great, for the next few months it was 1 or 2 times per day. Still I installed some software to see what she was up to and sure enough she was in contact with the new guy she had met on holiday, he was 26. to cut a long story short, this continued, I could see everything, kept this to myself, but made 'insightful comments' to her I could see her warning her boyfriend and wondering how I could know. She was planning to see him again, but changed her mind at the last minute, she said later because it would hurt me. Many references on MSN messages to my husband is coming, later etc Even my husband and I will live separately, please come I will pay for you ticket etc I could see it all. Eventually I let on I knew, she wondered how. She then went to a solicitor/lawyer I only found out only when the bill arrived. She found out through a friend we both knew, that I planning to date other women, this was not real, never went on any and then we went away for Christmas. We had a week with our daughter and her family and shortly after we returned she said she wanted to make a go of our relationship. I had seen a few weeks ealier a reference to a text sent from anther phone to her boyfriend, probably via a friend and then no further contact, all it said was there was bad news. He tried to contact her, but she blocked him on her face book.

We reconciled, I think the 180 helped and the fact I was willing to date other women changed her. But what I think really happened is the girlfriend she was with had a falling out and I can only guess why as my wife is more beautiful than her and was cramping her style.

So fast forward, she is still here, 10 months later no evidence of anything wrong, I did check everything, it all stopped, I do not do anymore, except easy stuff, she says she loves me, but that I deserved it. I am still a mess, unable to get over the past, most of what I read on this forum refers to an affair with one guy, not 5 in two months. Every day it plagues me, a number of times I have spurt it out how much it hurts and all she says is she wants me to delete everything I have as it upsets me, shes also says she did not think it would be easy to get over. Yes it does hurt, so much, when I look again I always see more. She has started recently to be in contact with a girlfriend who was very involved at the time organising the events with the different men, now just lunches, but I have seen texts inviting her to more evening events. I even received a letter from her apologising for encouraging my wife at the time, saying never would do that again, she did it to her husband who had an accident last March 2011, and was incapacitated for life, so sorry to lose me as a friend, we had known each other for 15 years, etc. She also told her sister she would never do that again, she would just leave me. Then presumably do what she wanted.

But our sex life has now gone down to once every few weeks over the last few months, I am still no further ahead in getting back to where I was financially, but much more considerate and we have not argued for over a year. We are on the face of it very good with each other, I do relapse sometimes which upsets her, but mostly we are happy together, communicating, no criticism and cuddling. She still blames me a lot for the loss of our financial status and the restrictions, but has returned to being loving with me.

So this is the point, I got her back (Was it because of the 180, money unable to move out, what her solicitor said, change of heart or argument with her girlfriend stopping her adventures etc?), how do I let this go, should I. I did what I did in the past, I really wanted to make things work with her, so kept trying under impossible circumstances, I am sure most men could not put up with what I saw, not sure how I did, I was on autopilot, but I know I could have done better in the past, she had some good points, I have changed those areas, but it still hurts that she blames me entirely. Did I do the right thing?

So in a way, I have what I wanted, her back, my child and home, past and future etc But am left with so much pain and concern for the future, it has thrown me and given her a lot of power. I cannot get out of my mind what she did, to her it seems much less or in the past. I think I am coming out of shock. Will time resolve all or will it stay the same, did I do the right thing?

Your wife is empowered because she knows a lot of men want her. She trades on her looks. My guess is that is a big part of your attraction for her and maybe partially why you put up with what you do.

Your wife cheated very easily without any apparent guilt or remorse. I suspect she has been cheating on you all along. Good that she doesn't form an emotional attachment to any of her lovers because it is easier for her to give them up for you. Bad that she doesn't form an emotional attachment with any of her lovers because it is a sign of someone who is badly damaged emotionally and needs constant sexual validation from other men.

When your wife asked if you wanted to resume sex and you started doing it twice a day, that was because your wife was fantasizing about Mr. 26-year-old from the other country who she still was communicating with hot and heavy - he was in another country, she closed her eyes and imagined him having sex with her while she was doing it with you.

You got your wife back because she knows the other guys just want her for sex and you are there for her no matter what, are a good father, and a good man. She saw this over the Christmas holiday. Also, maybe she was hoping that you would start earning a lot of money again, because this apparently is her highest value in regard to you. If you are not financially successful, she seems to have no use for you.

Your wife's friend, although threatened by your wife, now may be realizing that having your wife involved helps to attract more single men.

The lack of remorse or guilt of any kind, her sense of entitlement, the dwindling sex life, the renewed contact with the friend, the talk of more "evening" events (I think this means sex with other men?), your wife's continued measurement of your worth based mainly on your financial status - all are terrible signs. "Cuddling" without sex is a terrible sign.

What is in your wife's head about her daugher? I don't know, but she seems like a terrible mother based on the little bit you've posted in that regard (the argument in the car before her sex holiday, her willingness to engage with multiple other men and discard the marriage so easily).

No one can answer what you are willing to tolerate in a marriage but you.

 

[the guy]

What will prevent this from happening in the future, when she is 49 and starts seeing 39 year old guys?

You my friend are sweeping this under the rug. I know, I can tell, I did it and with in 5 years my wife was at it again.

There a very little consequences you wife had to face. She came back to you cuz she got burned out. Lets face it that kind of life style can be hard....balancing a husband , kid, famliy, friends and mutipul lovers.

I'm concerned she is just recharging her batteries. She may think, in her mind that hurting was was not worth it, but until she figures her self out and understands these unhealthy behaviors and learns the tools to have healthy emotional behaviors, your wife will relaps.

She still has a lot of work to do on her self and learn to share with you what she is and what she needs. She may no longer be having an affair, but she has not addressed her adultorus behaviors. I think once she adresses her unhealthy behaviors and affair proofs her marriage, then you may beable to move on in healthier marriage together.

 

[iheartlife]

So in a way, I have what I wanted, her back, my child and home, past and future etc But am left with so much pain and concern for the future, it has thrown me and given her a lot of power. I cannot get out of my mind what she did, to her it seems much less or in the past. I think I am coming out of shock. Will time resolve all or will it stay the same, did I do the right thing?

This sensation is extremely common for loyal spouses.

Right after they discover the infidelity, there is a huge burst of adrenaline and a powerful drive to win the cheater back. There's lots of self-recrimination for the things you did wrong and a strong motivation to scramble and return the marriage to where you *thought* it was before.

What frequently happens is that after things settle down, you have the emotions you're experiencing now. In other words, you put a tremendous amount of effort into staying married, but meantime....she isn't really holding up her end of the bargain. In other words, she got a brand new you, but you didn't really get a brand new her.

This always brings back the words of an old song for me, that is, your wife becomes the "prize you had no wish to win." That is pretty typical if one is married to someone who apparently, to this day, says you "deserved" to be cheat on.

 

[Acabado]

She has no remorse, till this day. It only seems she regrets, somehow, the pain she caused you. And not too much (you deserved it). Given this mindset, entitlement, lack of accepting the resonsability, it seems no soul searching, no self examinatio, self work (IC only gave her the vain tools to make her happy and live to the fullest with no care of the pain she causes) the chances she will repeat in the future are very high.

Sorry man. To me No remorse = No hope.
That's basically why you are still in that place.

 

[carmen ohio]

I don't think you "won" your W back. She decided to come back, when, on what terms and with no remorse whatsoever for what she had done (and probably continues to do). You accepted. Now you have "buyers remorse" and well you should.

Don't even think you can ever have a happy life with your W. She has proven herself to be an unfaithful, deceitful, callous person.

So the question you need to answer is, are you willing to continue to live the miserable life that YOU have made for yourself and that only YOU can unmake? If yes, suck it up and learn to deal with your pain. If no, get a divorce and start to build a new, happier existence.

I don't think it's any more complicated than that.

 

[naga75]

holy phuc if my wife told me i "deserved it" (even if i did)...i would...i dont even know what i would do. nothing pleasant or constructive, methinks.
im at a loss for words here. sorry im no help.

 

[CH]

So fast forward, she is still here, 10 months later no evidence of anything wrong, I did check everything, it all stopped, I do not do anymore, except easy stuff, she says she loves me, but that I deserved it.

I would have walked out at that point and just said 2 words to her.

FU, ok make that three words I would have added the B word also.
Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

I can easily upgrade to a younger and better model also, why keep a Yugo when I can easily get a Ferrari. That Yugo's been beat to death anyways. The only reason I would keep it around is if it was still reliable and for nostalgia and love. But if it turns to crap, I'm ditching that POS and getting a damn new car.

 

[Shaggy]

You haven't won her back.

I'm shocked both you and her think that her cheating with any guy that catches her eye is in anyway your fault, she is a totally unremorseful cheater.

Your sex life is again down to little to nothing, don't you realize she is still cheating, but she no longer seeing you as someone to worthy have sex with.

She's just gotten better at hiding her cheating.

The fact that you took the blame for her choosing to cheat, and have ask for ZERO consequences for her cheating, not even an appology. Have no doubt reduced her desire and respect for you to zero.

She's got you to baby sit while she is free to continue the lifestyle she's chosen,

My advice: read Married Mans Sex Life by Kay Athol,

Read up on the word Cuckcold

And hire a very good shark lawyer and PI to find who she's seeing now. Likely a married guy who is happy to sleep with her, but doesn't want to leave his wife, perhaps someone from the sex club.

 

[warlock07]

I don't even know what to say...Why would any man stand such humiliation ? This is one one of the most humiliating stories that I've read on TAM..

OP, what else could your wife do that is much worse than this ? Maybe tie you up and have have sex with guys in front of you.. You will probably not take any advice from her but if there is a chance that you will, separate for 6 months and stay away from this toxic woman... Date other woman and stay single. You are too involved in the toxic situation you are in that you don't realize how bad it is....You still have a chance for a happy life... Don't waste one more minute with this woman...

 

[The Cro-Magnon]

Vagina tingles > anything & anyone
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[coolhandscott]

Thanks everyone for your replies there is a lot to think about with some of the replies. I really appreciate your input.

Just to put somethings in further context I would like to clarify a few things.

1) She had a few months before going on holiday changed her anti depressant drugs, I did not notice at the time. These drugs also help her not feel as a normal person would, it blocks certain emotions. But afterwards she said it gave her clarity for the first time in many years of her life, she had been unhappy with many things. I was critical of her in public, not very loving, not very interested in sex anymore, not very supportive etc. as I said before she was a shadow of the girl I fell in love with. This is clearer with hindsight, but as it happens slowly, you can only see afterwards how unhealthy this had become. When I found out, I had this avalanche of issues raised, she had to use poker parlance been called all in and I either dealt with it or divorce, and I found some of them true, my response was 'chicken or egg'. My needs had not been met either and 90% of the way I was, was a reaction to the way she was, not really my true character. I was really determined to change whatever the outcome for her or someone else. I agree the way she did things are very difficult to forgive, but wanted to put right those things I was responsible for. To me they are two separate things, I must take responsibility for my failures and she must for hers, this is the problem.

2) So I did, change before her eyes. She said later that in her mind she had checked out and thought I would never change, but between September and December I did, she said she was very confused. Her view then was she wanted to separate at first for 6 months, then a few months, a month and in the end not at all. We even got a lodger in to help pay for a flat so she could move out. During this 3.5 months period, she was still going away every weekend to see her girlfriend. I would constantly ask if she was carrying on doing what she had done before, she said no, I could find little to support either way. She said I had turned into the perfect husband, but needed time. I was dubious, but not naive. In a way I had reached the end of my tether and was just looking for one more piece of evidence to pull the trigger. I was very confused, in a lot of pain and really wanted to believe her. But in truth she had said she wanted a separation. I sent her articles on what that meant, what type would it be 1) Healthy - Think about marriage, consider options, no other men 2) Unhealthy - Just be free and sleep with whoever you wanted. The only fly in the ointment was the guy she met on her second trip, she was clearly smitten. But until she left to see him or he came here I kept trying, I knew all about limerance, she was clearly at this stage trying to have her cake and eat it. Presumably none of the other men she had met otherwise had measured up, so probably the fact he was out of harms way was a blessing as it bought us time for her to think about what would happen. Hence her cancellation of another trip in November. My thought was and I devoured everything I could read was simple she had a number of exit affairs, she no longer cared and my change had confused her. She told this to me always during this time.

3) We both work from home, in the last 10 months she hardly goes out at all without me, almost never during the evenings except to see local friends and has not gone to any of the events suggested by her friend. if she goes out during the day, she tells me where is going, usually local for a few hours with friends of our daughters school or shopping with our daughter, who tells me afterwards, not on purpose. I can also verify using a tracking device and it always checks out. Nothing on her phone and nothing on her computer. So I am really sure nothing is happening. However I know many men have come found out after claiming the same that something was happening. I just do not see how it could happen, at this time. My worry is for the future. With her friend they both did what they did for different reasons and her friend realises she lost us both, me forever at least. But my wife says she was her best friend and I am concerned to block her, if whilst I am trying to rebuild our lives they just want to meet for lunch. I can verify where they are. Her girlfriend has said she went mad after her husbands accident, never would do again. He found out anyway. I do not believe her and will never have anything do with her and my wife accepts the blame, of course I want to push the blame onto her girlfriends, but she says it was her and not to blame them. It is probably in between they helped, but it was what she wanted. It is harder of course to do these things alone, holidays, parties etc.

4) Yes, I think this is one of the worst things I have read on this forum, I did what I did. I changed my ways, I did everything she told me about, mostly because I read and read and saw my way was destructive. this was a positive thing if not for her then for the next wife/girlfriend. I know in my heart there will be no second chance, she knows this as well, which puts me on a knife edge. But still I have to deal with the past, hence my post.

5) Yes the real problem is no remorse and looking at current indicators i.e. lack of interest in sex (I put this down to her not being happy with our financial situation). I will not be fooled again. I should say my wife finds it hard to admit any failings the best way to judge her is via her actions, she finds it difficult to admit failings, unlike me. She is a great mother, our daughter is very happy. My wife says she went mad, she would never do that again, but I am looking for closure, my shock has gone, we are simply left with reality and whilst I can be good easily to her face I am suffering everyday and not sure whether it will go away.

 

[snap]

Winning implies getting something of value. Ask yourself what value this situation provides you with.

 

[coolhandscott]

I won if that is correct, by changing for myself, and my family a chance for a future. the question if having 'won' is it temporary or for good, after all we have 15 years together and a lovely daughter and home. Can this ever be resolved, was it a one off. If it happens again it would really be simple, no chance, just divorce, she knows that. I think I have to do all I can to save my marriage at a price I can pay, the past is the past. Over a year has gone by, I am still suffering, but we are much closer than we have been for as long as I can remember. In my mind the lines have been drawn.

 

[Kallan Pavithran]

but I am looking for closure, my shock has gone, we are simply left with reality and whilst I can be good easily to her face I am suffering everyday and not sure whether it will go away.

You handled her Afairs badly, you rug swept now realises that she didnt had any consequences.
You know she is rewarded with a better husband for her cheating and disrespecting you.

Sit down with her and talk about your hurt and pain and see what she will do to ease that. She dosent seems truly remorseful else she may not have been in contact with her toxic friend.

Get some MC and IC to deal with the A and its effect on your physical and mental health.

Get some professional help for yourself an see what she will do for you. else its going to build more pain and resentments.

If you are not happy or if it is painful to be in a marriage you can walk away with your head held high as you tried everything to save this marriage. If it was some other guy she may not have got a second chance.

Dont be scared to leave her because she is pretty and you are not going to find someone more beautiful, worth of life and happiness is not upon how prettier you wife is but how loving and caring your wife is.

 

[theroad]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley, ASAP.

Your WW not only needs NC with all her OM.

Your WW needs NC with her toxic friends that enabled and or hide the affair.

Husband and wives are never to have separate vacations.

 

[coolhandscott]

Maybe I did (rug sweeping), I was in shock at the time, she gave me a lifeline, CHANGE, I did. It got better as a result, also maybe her experiences outside, showed her what she would really lose, and what was available. That I was not as bad as she thought, I am good looking, good father, attentive, intelligent and romantic when I want to be. Just poor at the moment. This will not last, forever.

But what happened, happened, as someone else said, perhaps I do have buyers remorse is what she did forgiveable, (In Context), no matter how painful to me. She is not a serial cheater, I think what she did was a burst of emotions. After all the 26 year old guy, could hardly speak English, it was sad to see, he even recently got married, there was no future, in reality. Just sex. I myself have thought about these things, had an emotional affair 8 years ago, could easily have become physical, she wanted to know beforehand if it was really all over, I could not say it was, just was unhappy, she saw through my vague position, I gave up when my child was borne, other girls would not have done the same, I know. These situations are easy to find when you are unhappy, harder to resist. Limerance !

When my child was borne, I never thought again or got myself into any situation to compromise my wife.

I just accepted my lot!