Joined
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17 Posts
My story sort of starts in September 2011, but in many ways a long time before. When I found out the worst, we had just had a very bad argument and she was on her way to a weekend away in another country with her girlfriends, she said she no longer wanted me in response to a similar response from me and I left her by the station, not knowing anything more at this point. I did not mean what I said so was surprised by her response. When I came back home with my 6 year old daughter who had been in the car during this exchange, my mind started working and something woke up. I had never in all the time we had been together, 15 years, considered that my wife would ever break our vows, just a rough patch. We had been having a very turbulent time after the loss of my business and I had risked a lot of our security on a big payout, which failed.
I instinctively hacked into her face book account and all was there to see, it was worse than I could ever have imagined, I was stunned, firstly I found out she had an affair whilst on holiday with her best friend in July, the messages told it all, some twenties guy. She then started approaching other men on face book, I am 45, my wife wife 39, they were middle twenties, highly sexual in tone. She then booked a flight back to the same location she had gone on holiday on her company credit card without telling me, just a week after returning from her holiday.. such an idiot I was. Then I saw on her her friends network, that my wife was getting divorced, recommendations for various specialised dating networks appeared and worst of all membership and events booked for a high class group sex club, by her friend, my wife is very pretty. On top of this there were many messages of a sexual nature from many men trying to approach her and messages referring to the night before and how great it was. There were references to various parties that had happened during this time, with these men attending. I was devastated. I phoned my wife as soon as she arrived on holiday, she said initially it was flirting, but when I told her what I knew, she understood, on another call said she could not stomach anything after I told her what I knew, her face book account was closed down, but not before I could see various men trying to contact her and her friend and I had to wait 3 days for her to return. I think she had sex with one of these en before she returned. I picked her up and she said after a few questions from me, that she wanted to separate and did not want to go into details, as she did not want to hurt me. I cried like a baby, I could not have been more hurt.
A sent a lot of emails to her saying everything about our past, my mistakes etc. within a week I kept it cool, we spoke about our past, how much I had hurt her in the past. At this point I must say as I see it, we had not made love much, a few times a year at most, we had become house mates. I had an incredibly stressful job, lost the business and incurred many debts, I was at my lowest ebb. My wife had been on depressants for a very long time and a few months earlier, had gone for private help and she says it was the best thing she ever did, clearly it made her feel better, renewed. She said I should have done more, probably true, but only with hindsight, to me for for many years she was a shadow of what I had fallen in love with, always suffering with depression. I had just become used to it, it affected everything. I know with hindsight I could and should have done more. I think these drugs woke her up. She started a successful business, mine had failed even though it had for the last 12 years given us a great life and a new luxury 7 bedroom home. She was alive again, but I did not see it then, then all the usual, comestic surgery, new clothes, bikini wax etc you know the story.
Within a week of talking she asked me if I wanted to make love, I did, she looked great, for the next few months it was 1 or 2 times per day. Still I installed some software to see what she was up to and sure enough she was in contact with the new guy she had met on holiday, he was 26. to cut a long story short, this continued, I could see everything, kept this to myself, but made 'insightful comments' to her I could see her warning her boyfriend and wondering how I could know. She was planning to see him again, but changed her mind at the last minute, she said later because it would hurt me. Many references on MSN messages to my husband is coming, later etc Even my husband and I will live separately, please come I will pay for you ticket etc I could see it all. Eventually I let on I knew, she wondered how. She then went to a solicitor/lawyer I only found out only when the bill arrived. She found out through a friend we both knew, that I planning to date other women, this was not real, never went on any and then we went away for Christmas. We had a week with our daughter and her family and shortly after we returned she said she wanted to make a go of our relationship. I had seen a few weeks ealier a reference to a text sent from anther phone to her boyfriend, probably via a friend and then no further contact, all it said was there was bad news. He tried to contact her, but she blocked him on her face book.
We reconciled, I think the 180 helped and the fact I was willing to date other women changed her. But what I think really happened is the girlfriend she was with had a falling out and I can only guess why as my wife is more beautiful than her and was cramping her style.
So fast forward, she is still here, 10 months later no evidence of anything wrong, I did check everything, it all stopped, I do not do anymore, except easy stuff, she says she loves me, but that I deserved it. I am still a mess, unable to get over the past, most of what I read on this forum refers to an affair with one guy, not 5 in two months. Every day it plagues me, a number of times I have spurt it out how much it hurts and all she says is she wants me to delete everything I have as it upsets me, shes also says she did not think it would be easy to get over. Yes it does hurt, so much, when I look again I always see more. She has started recently to be in contact with a girlfriend who was very involved at the time organising the events with the different men, now just lunches, but I have seen texts inviting her to more evening events. I even received a letter from her apologising for encouraging my wife at the time, saying never would do that again, she did it to her husband who had an accident last March 2011, and was incapacitated for life, so sorry to lose me as a friend, we had known each other for 15 years, etc. She also told her sister she would never do that again, she would just leave me. Then presumably do what she wanted.
But our sex life has now gone down to once every few weeks over the last few months, I am still no further ahead in getting back to where I was financially, but much more considerate and we have not argued for over a year. We are on the face of it very good with each other, I do relapse sometimes which upsets her, but mostly we are happy together, communicating, no criticism and cuddling. She still blames me a lot for the loss of our financial status and the restrictions, but has returned to being loving with me.
So this is the point, I got her back (Was it because of the 180, money unable to move out, what her solicitor said, change of heart or argument with her girlfriend stopping her adventures etc?), how do I let this go, should I. I did what I did in the past, I really wanted to make things work with her, so kept trying under impossible circumstances, I am sure most men could not put up with what I saw, not sure how I did, I was on autopilot, but I know I could have done better in the past, she had some good points, I have changed those areas, but it still hurts that she blames me entirely. Did I do the right thing?
So in a way, I have what I wanted, her back, my child and home, past and future etc But am left with so much pain and concern for the future, it has thrown me and given her a lot of power. I cannot get out of my mind what she did, to her it seems much less or in the past. I think I am coming out of shock. Will time resolve all or will it stay the same, did I do the right thing?
I instinctively hacked into her face book account and all was there to see, it was worse than I could ever have imagined, I was stunned, firstly I found out she had an affair whilst on holiday with her best friend in July, the messages told it all, some twenties guy. She then started approaching other men on face book, I am 45, my wife wife 39, they were middle twenties, highly sexual in tone. She then booked a flight back to the same location she had gone on holiday on her company credit card without telling me, just a week after returning from her holiday.. such an idiot I was. Then I saw on her her friends network, that my wife was getting divorced, recommendations for various specialised dating networks appeared and worst of all membership and events booked for a high class group sex club, by her friend, my wife is very pretty. On top of this there were many messages of a sexual nature from many men trying to approach her and messages referring to the night before and how great it was. There were references to various parties that had happened during this time, with these men attending. I was devastated. I phoned my wife as soon as she arrived on holiday, she said initially it was flirting, but when I told her what I knew, she understood, on another call said she could not stomach anything after I told her what I knew, her face book account was closed down, but not before I could see various men trying to contact her and her friend and I had to wait 3 days for her to return. I think she had sex with one of these en before she returned. I picked her up and she said after a few questions from me, that she wanted to separate and did not want to go into details, as she did not want to hurt me. I cried like a baby, I could not have been more hurt.
A sent a lot of emails to her saying everything about our past, my mistakes etc. within a week I kept it cool, we spoke about our past, how much I had hurt her in the past. At this point I must say as I see it, we had not made love much, a few times a year at most, we had become house mates. I had an incredibly stressful job, lost the business and incurred many debts, I was at my lowest ebb. My wife had been on depressants for a very long time and a few months earlier, had gone for private help and she says it was the best thing she ever did, clearly it made her feel better, renewed. She said I should have done more, probably true, but only with hindsight, to me for for many years she was a shadow of what I had fallen in love with, always suffering with depression. I had just become used to it, it affected everything. I know with hindsight I could and should have done more. I think these drugs woke her up. She started a successful business, mine had failed even though it had for the last 12 years given us a great life and a new luxury 7 bedroom home. She was alive again, but I did not see it then, then all the usual, comestic surgery, new clothes, bikini wax etc you know the story.
Within a week of talking she asked me if I wanted to make love, I did, she looked great, for the next few months it was 1 or 2 times per day. Still I installed some software to see what she was up to and sure enough she was in contact with the new guy she had met on holiday, he was 26. to cut a long story short, this continued, I could see everything, kept this to myself, but made 'insightful comments' to her I could see her warning her boyfriend and wondering how I could know. She was planning to see him again, but changed her mind at the last minute, she said later because it would hurt me. Many references on MSN messages to my husband is coming, later etc Even my husband and I will live separately, please come I will pay for you ticket etc I could see it all. Eventually I let on I knew, she wondered how. She then went to a solicitor/lawyer I only found out only when the bill arrived. She found out through a friend we both knew, that I planning to date other women, this was not real, never went on any and then we went away for Christmas. We had a week with our daughter and her family and shortly after we returned she said she wanted to make a go of our relationship. I had seen a few weeks ealier a reference to a text sent from anther phone to her boyfriend, probably via a friend and then no further contact, all it said was there was bad news. He tried to contact her, but she blocked him on her face book.
We reconciled, I think the 180 helped and the fact I was willing to date other women changed her. But what I think really happened is the girlfriend she was with had a falling out and I can only guess why as my wife is more beautiful than her and was cramping her style.
So fast forward, she is still here, 10 months later no evidence of anything wrong, I did check everything, it all stopped, I do not do anymore, except easy stuff, she says she loves me, but that I deserved it. I am still a mess, unable to get over the past, most of what I read on this forum refers to an affair with one guy, not 5 in two months. Every day it plagues me, a number of times I have spurt it out how much it hurts and all she says is she wants me to delete everything I have as it upsets me, shes also says she did not think it would be easy to get over. Yes it does hurt, so much, when I look again I always see more. She has started recently to be in contact with a girlfriend who was very involved at the time organising the events with the different men, now just lunches, but I have seen texts inviting her to more evening events. I even received a letter from her apologising for encouraging my wife at the time, saying never would do that again, she did it to her husband who had an accident last March 2011, and was incapacitated for life, so sorry to lose me as a friend, we had known each other for 15 years, etc. She also told her sister she would never do that again, she would just leave me. Then presumably do what she wanted.
But our sex life has now gone down to once every few weeks over the last few months, I am still no further ahead in getting back to where I was financially, but much more considerate and we have not argued for over a year. We are on the face of it very good with each other, I do relapse sometimes which upsets her, but mostly we are happy together, communicating, no criticism and cuddling. She still blames me a lot for the loss of our financial status and the restrictions, but has returned to being loving with me.
So this is the point, I got her back (Was it because of the 180, money unable to move out, what her solicitor said, change of heart or argument with her girlfriend stopping her adventures etc?), how do I let this go, should I. I did what I did in the past, I really wanted to make things work with her, so kept trying under impossible circumstances, I am sure most men could not put up with what I saw, not sure how I did, I was on autopilot, but I know I could have done better in the past, she had some good points, I have changed those areas, but it still hurts that she blames me entirely. Did I do the right thing?
So in a way, I have what I wanted, her back, my child and home, past and future etc But am left with so much pain and concern for the future, it has thrown me and given her a lot of power. I cannot get out of my mind what she did, to her it seems much less or in the past. I think I am coming out of shock. Will time resolve all or will it stay the same, did I do the right thing?