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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Not to be sound as an expert, I will just give you my experience with my wife.

My STBXW has serious attachment problems.

She used to be and probably still is desperately on the look out for an ultimate lover but she can't develop a healthy relationship with a man, no matter how good and loving he is.

This women, In their journey, get into many short relationships with many man (more than usual number) .

I had some insight on the type of men and the type of relationships which my wife carried with those men.

For these women there are three types of man.

1. First grade man, The man sent from heaven to rise them to glory.

They fall in love with this kind of men at the first sight.

Mostly alpha men. Broken women have 2 or three of those man in a life time and have a chance to get close.. They idealize those men beyond reality even after they are gone and especially remembered back after another failed relationship.

It seems like everything would be fine if those women can have a long relationship or marry with those men. But being broken inside, the relationship is not fulfilling for both and can't survive.

I am going to copy acabado's insight here.

feel "weird" about female parts, doesn't masturbate, won't enjoy oral, can't orgasm... I suspect sexual abuse, which could explain her messed up understanding of intimacy/love/sex. Once you were "safe", she felt awful (intimacy is scary and unfilflling), sex was not fun anymore. Many victims of sex abuse can't enjoy "clean" sex (within a legitimate relationship). Most times it's infixable, body won't respond. The moment she f0cked OM and orgasmed after a year she finnaly could put the blame on you


This is going to be your experience with one of those broken women if you are happen to be her knight in shining armour.

She will throw herself under your feet but she will be too tense to experience any real intimacy with you, enjoy being with you.

Relationship lasts it course to the end with devaluation of the knight to the level of sancho pancho. If it comes that far, she has already cheated with some of that 2 or 3 grade men below.

2.Second grade man,

They are not the ones to fall in love at first sight, They are versatile, funny, good in bed, player type mostly. They make women feel admired and cared for an hour to next.

Broken women can put herself first in their relationship with that type of man.

So the relationship is somewhat more satisfying, lasts for some time.

Still, if the type one man above in her primary relationship is still around and pull's the cords, women leaves the second grade men for the Knight in shining armour.

This type comes into play mostly when their primary relationship is lost its glory. They are the OM material. Useful for exit affairs too, but if exit doesn`t happen, and woman returns to her primary relationship, this type second grade man jumps ranks to first grade above in her mind, as their missed love of their life, unfinished business, as soon as primary relationship turns sour again.


3. Third grade man.
This can be any ONS material. Under a good club light, after enough booze. They are really handy for a quick ego fix and when women is in her ovulation time.She just f0cks them. It can be a monkey wild sex with multiple orgasms or sex without feeling anything. Taboos are broken in these kind of sessions too. Don't beat yourself if she swallows or goes anal in one of this encounters when she didn't do it for you for years.

These three types of men can be in the picture simultaneously, messing the primary relatioship further.

You may be one of these three types of man if you have an encounter with one of these broken women. But if you are here, you are probably the number one type of man and trying to understand what hit you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Have you discussed this with your STBXW ? Does she realize that she has a problem ?
Yes. During the starting phase of our reconciliation process she thought she has a huge problem.

Now, with the help of her psychiatrist. She thinks she is just marginal and it is OK to be marginal.

I don`t know. Her doc. either causing more harm than good or he is trying to steer her without scaring to a much needed long term therapy. I read that NPD patients are famous for firing their therapists upon their diagnosis.

I couldn't strip my venting from my original post but I didn`t want this thread to be about my wife in particular though. Some little things on my first post does not apply to my STBXW.
 

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I date a guy who said I had some kind of attachment problem.
This after I cut him off because he was sleeping with me intimated that I was the only woman he was dating, but it turned out he'd been dating two others.
I think attachment problem for some people is all in the perspective of what they consider to be attached.
For a woman to attach, they need to feel secure, and also to be in a committed relationship. I think it's difficult for some men to become attached to only one woman early in the relationship, but still they want sex and see this as part of attachment/bonding.
I think it's very difficult for a man to judge a woman's attachment 'issues'. Also I think that different people have different needs that are prioritized. Sometimes there are women who have got on in their lives and their priority might be to make a significant contribution to society, vs. priority being their own feelings of personal love and attachment. So a guy who is involved with a woman like this, who doesn't understand that personal love and commitment comes a notch below their own intimate needs in terms of one other person, might feel like the woman has attachment problems, where the woman is attached, only to the greater consciousness, above and beyond the guy she's involved with. If she is particularly spiritually evolved, she may assume that the guy's number one priority is also being attached to the greater consciousness and making a contribution, and feel that they will naturally connect/commit/attach through their common devotion. I think a lot of people who have had 'attachment' issues with me assume I am the more normal kind of woman who is attached to partner and kids first. That's not the case. My kids and I are spiritually connected, and we connect as a family due to that common spiritual connection to greater consciousness/nature/contributing to the world in our unique ways. It is a different way of attachment, but it's by no means wrong. In my mind, it would be abnormal for me to attach to another person above the greater consciousness, as people are human and mortal and they can fail, or die, or falter...and it depends on them being attached to me, and I can also fail, or change to the point where they might not attach to me the same way (it's normal for people to change as they grow...)

People who have been abused in past often become spiritual as a result of their trials, they become stronger, and they attach to many many people as a part of community and greater consciousness (God if you will.) This doesn't mean they're damaged and unable to connect to an individual, it means they are more highly evolved and able to connect in a different way that is more resilient. If a man only wants to connect to the woman who is like this, it can be experienced as a lot of stress and demand...the woman will worry that changing in any way will lose the guy's affection, and also worries that the guy doesn't understand her spiritual priorities. All of this can end up being stifling, and the woman put up resistance to the man in order to safeguard what means so much to her in terms of giving her life meaning. The guy who only wants to connect to the woman, and not her higher spirituality, is doomed to fail. She will see him as somewhat shallow, even if he sees himself as a 'good guy.' he might even think he doesn't matter. Because the woman will not treat him as though he is god, because he isn't. Sure, God is in him, but he is not the be-all end-all in her life, nor should he be, and nor should she be his. Mortals being what they are....
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I date a guy who said I had some kind of attachment problem.
This after I cut him off because he was sleeping with me intimated that I was the only woman he was dating, but it turned out he'd been dating two others.
I think attachment problem for some people is all in the perspective of what they consider to be attached.
For a woman to attach, they need to feel secure, and also to be in a committed relationship. I think it's difficult for some men to become attached to only one woman early in the relationship, but still they want sex and see this as part of attachment/bonding.
I think it's very difficult for a man to judge a woman's attachment 'issues'. Also I think that different people have different needs that are prioritized. Sometimes there are women who have got on in their lives and their priority might be to make a significant contribution to society, vs. priority being their own feelings of personal love and attachment. So a guy who is involved with a woman like this, who doesn't understand that personal love and commitment comes a notch below their own intimate needs in terms of one other person, might feel like the woman has attachment problems, where the woman is attached, only to the greater consciousness, above and beyond the guy she's involved with. If she is particularly spiritually evolved, she may assume that the guy's number one priority is also being attached to the greater consciousness and making a contribution, and feel that they will naturally connect/commit/attach through their common devotion. I think a lot of people who have had 'attachment' issues with me assume I am the more normal kind of woman who is attached to partner and kids first. That's not the case. My kids and I are spiritually connected, and we connect as a family due to that common spiritual connection to greater consciousness/nature/contributing to the world in our unique ways. It is a different way of attachment, but it's by no means wrong. In my mind, it would be abnormal for me to attach to another person above the greater consciousness, as people are human and mortal and they can fail, or die, or falter...and it depends on them being attached to me, and I can also fail, or change to the point where they might not attach to me the same way (it's normal for people to change as they grow...)

People who have been abused in past often become spiritual as a result of their trials, they become stronger, and they attach to many many people as a part of community and greater consciousness (God if you will.) This doesn't mean they're damaged and unable to connect to an individual, it means they are more highly evolved and able to connect in a different way that is more resilient. If a man only wants to connect to the woman who is like this, it can be experienced as a lot of stress and demand...the woman will worry that changing in any way will lose the guy's affection, and also worries that the guy doesn't understand her spiritual priorities. All of this can end up being stifling, and the woman put up resistance to the man in order to safeguard what means so much to her in terms of giving her life meaning. The guy who only wants to connect to the woman, and not her higher spirituality, is doomed to fail. She will see him as somewhat shallow, even if he sees himself as a 'good guy.' he might even think he doesn't matter. Because the woman will not treat him as though he is god, because he isn't. Sure, God is in him, but he is not the be-all end-all in her life, nor should he be, and nor should she be his. Mortals being what they are....
Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I`ll give you my honest opinion. The guy telling you that may be right.

Loving a supreme being (God if you will.) is good, I have no problem with that but, according what I read, substituting wordly regular love objects like our partners with that supreme being may not be that healthy. Papers say religious extremism is common with people with attachment problems as people with NPD.

I hope you don`t mind my sincerity.
 
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