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Discussion Starter #1
I'm trying to understand the thinking of women who walk out on their families, choosing to be FULL time with some AP and PART TIME with their children. Like my STBXW.

Women have every right to leave a husband who is cheating, a drug addict, abusive, alcoholic, or guilty of willful nonsupport.
Protect herself and her children, absolutely.

But to walk out on your child to be with your AP? My daughter knows what life was like when we were all together, she knows her mother is a cheater and left to be with a man who left HIS wife and children. And now my daughter gets the crumbs from her mothers' table so to speak, and she knows full well that's what she gets.

It just amazes me. Selfishness and self deception. If they think that all will work out fine and their relationships with their children will survive unscathed, they are in for a big surprise.
 

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Ya know, I have wondered that myself. And ex-friend of mine did just that. Oh, sure, she put on a big show of trying to be the "perfect mom"... she claimed her ex-husband was abusive and she couldn't get away fast enough. Now, I was friends with this woman. I only heard her side of it all. I believed her... but she left the kids with this man. The man she CLAIMED was so horrible and she was afraid of him... Of course she was afraid of him... SHE WAS FVCKING SOME OTHER GUY! But, I am ashamed to say, I stood by her.... until she dropped me, along with the other friends she made when she moved in with her AP. I got the OTHER side of the story from her ex. I learned the hard way not to accept everything a friend says at face value. And to be more picky when it comes to my friends.

My husband and I are friends with her ex and his new girlfriend. There was one time he was over visiting us and the subject got around to infidelity. He knew parts of MY story, from his ex-wife and from my husband. And, I told him that while I have his cell number, it would be a VERY RARE occasion if/when I text/call him... because of my OWN boundaries (now). He completely understands. And he sticks to talking to my husband unless he NEEDS an answer to something immediately and he can't get thru to my husband.

Anyway, yes, this woman was very selfish. The kids are better off with their dad though. I have seen how they act with each... Glad the courts agree with that too.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I agree with you, if the husband they leave is so horrible, abusive etc., grab your child and run! Get the authorities involved. But the truth is, their just pursuing a selfish urge to be with another man/men and they want to be much less involved with the child so they have the freedom to play.
 

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I agree with you, if the husband they leave is so horrible, abusive etc., grab your child and run! Get the authorities involved. But the truth is, their just pursuing a selfish urge to be with another man/men and they want to be much less involved with the child so they have the freedom to play.
It is beyond selfishness. Most women have a strong maternal instinct to bond with their children, to nurture their children, to loveand protect their children.

When a woman walks away it is beyond selfishness, it is a sickness.

Again, not every woman has this maternal instinct. And selfishness only explains one aspect of the walkaway wife/mother.
 

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My mother picked up and left me and my 3 younger brothers when I was 12 (but not for an OM). It was devastating and I still feel the effects of it more than 40 years later. You NEVER get over it. This is why I'm so committed to my marriage. Same for my wife, bad childhood experiences.
 

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My aunt left her 12 year old 2 years ago in america and moved back to england, his father had pushed him into walls and wrapped a seatbealt around his neck and she left because she couldn't stand her husband (she never really could).
She told her son months before she was leaving, my aunt and cousin would go looking around for apartments to live, when she told her husband she was leaving him they went to counseling and her husband and son thought that everything was going well (she was still planning to leave him she was just playing along, she already had her old job in england back).
She told them she was coming back to england to visit family and just didn't go back, it was months until she went back to finalize the divorce.
Her ex is in the military and she left him about 4 months after leaving england and being stationed in america (she waited till they went back to america so when she came back to england he couldnt hassle her). Also all this time she had started to talk to a old friend ( her cousins ex, he has been friend of the whole family since) and started an emotional affair, she only left her husband because she had another guy to give her a soft landing.
So she left, left her kid in turmoil, would talk sooo much about how hard it is to be away from him (but didn't ever talk about how his dad was putting every guilt trip on his to stay with him and her son had NO support around him, all the rest of his family were thousand of miles away).
She started to obviously hang out with this old 'friend' of hers and his children, taking them special places, taking them on base for halloween to get good candy then posting pics on fb of her and them, it was heartbreaking when my little cousin phoned me up in tears asking why does she want to be their mother but not his (the halloween fb pic incident happend 3 months after she left and just didn't return). When I told her what happened she just scoffed 'well you know he is just going to have to get use to it, I can't just stop living incase I hurt some people' (some people, you are playing mum to someone else's kids and putting them on fb where the son you left with his abusive dad can see).
The only time she really wanted her son to come to england to live with her is when she wanted to get on the top of the council housing list, once she got her house she never talked about wanting to come over again.

Through all this she still see's herself as a poor victim who had to leave everything and start a new life (the new guy pays for everything, she lived with my nan till she got housing) and how her doing what she did was the best decision for everyone and how everone's life is sooo much better since she made her 'sacrifice'.
She now see's her son 2 weeks out of a year and plays mum to the her new guys kids all the time.
It amazing to me how selfish, self centered leeches always see themselves as a poor innocent victim and totally dismiss the hurt they have caused.
 

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In hindsight, it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that my ex abandoned her children. When they were much younger (maybe 4 and 6) she would complain that they never thanked her for doing things for them. I remember telling her on several occasions that, while it would be nice for them to do so, it was her job to take care of them because they never asked to be born. Little did I know how her mindset at the time would come into play later on.

What really irks me about my ex is that she tries to be friends with the kids, especially my almost 17-year old daughter, instead of their mother. Just a few days ago, I took my daughter to a car dealership to buy her a new car and she flat out refused to even test drive it because it wasn't what she had her mind set on. My ex, instead of siding with me on why getting a new car vs. a used one that my daughter wanted was the best option, stated that she was 'Switzerland' and neutral in the conflict. So, instead of me purchasing a new car for my daughter, I told them both that I would contribute $7K and my ex was now responsible for finding a car for my daughter.

I sent her a scathing text after this event basically letting her know that I don't want her to be 'Switzerland'. Instead, I expect her to be a mother first and friend second to our children. I'm still awaiting a response.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
There really is something missing with them. There was one night that's he wanted my daughter and she just didn't want to go. My STBXW showed up in tears and actually said "tell me what to do, how do you interact with her, I don't know how".

Blew me away. Like Count said, she's more of a friend or big sister to her. When the three of us were together, as I look back, it was always me who talked to my daughter about the important issues, went for long walks and talked, played games etc.

Add to the equation her AP. She doesn't want to be around him. I would say that I have her 70%. She really is amazingly selfish and immature.
 

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Walk away wives and walk away mothers are generally selfish people. Instead of changing themselves and changing things to make a marriage work, they just decide life is about them and just quit. I can understand the whole walk away wife thing to a degree but to walk out on your kids? That is a concept I can't fathom and I am a male.
Once the adultery and affairs start, the WAW/WAM's brain chemistry changes. In almost all stories I read on here and elsewhere selfishness replaces rational thought. Justifications come next. Most often it is the victim mentality that takes over. Sometimes the WAW/WAM is just hostile in order to mask their true guilt. Either way as the years pass and the blinders come off they start to regret their decisions most of the time.
 

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yeah, but what about the kids?

"But what about me, aren't I entitled to happiness?"
"The children will adjust, they are very resilient"
"We must learn to manage the children"
"It is your fault that they are in this state."
"I will never forgive you for telling them. They should not be involved in adult matters"

Like the Count [1 2 3 4 5] when I look back I was [and still am] the one who is the person they go to. I was the one that delivered on time. She was chronically late for everything.

My older daughter lives full time with me and is a mess.
The other 50%. She is okay.

For a long time I tried to believe that she was ill, and this was temporary until my eldest said to me one day.

" You know, you may have to face the fact that she has always been like this."

It hurt so much. More than anything
How could anyone be so selfish.
 

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I think the main problem is that we are trying to look at it from the eyes of being parents first and foremost. When cheaters do this kind of stuff they couldn't care less about their own kids. They want a clean break from their old life to their new life. Thus they gather themselves and run.
 

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Walk away wives and walk away mothers are generally selfish people. Instead of changing themselves and changing things to make a marriage work, they just decide life is about them and just quit. I can understand the whole walk away wife thing to a degree but to walk out on your kids? That is a concept I can't fathom and I am a male.
Once the adultery and affairs start, the WAW/WAM's brain chemistry changes. In almost all stories I read on here and elsewhere selfishness replaces rational thought. Justifications come next. Most often it is the victim mentality that takes over. Sometimes the WAW/WAM is just hostile in order to mask their true guilt. Either way as the years pass and the blinders come off they start to regret their decisions most of the time.
I will never understand it either. Selfish and cruel. The innocent children suffer deeply from the rejection and the "parent" just doesn't care.

My step-son's bio mother did just that. She had an affair, left their only son with his Dad, and eventually married the AP. She never had any other child, since her AP didn't want or like children. She moved far away and had little or no contact with her only child. When I married the child's father, he finally had a mother, however, it wasn't the same and the rejection left major emotional scars that I could not heal for him. It's heart breaking.

He is grown now, but still carries the scars. When his father and I broke up, he was worried that he would lose me to. He didn't. I love him like my own and have had him over for visits, or have called him when I need some help and have treated him with special kindness because I understand his hurt.

I have always encouraged him to maintain some sort of connection with his bio mom, but sadly she is so wrapped up in her own "life" she has little to offer him. I hate seeing him so hurt and so scarred by that rejection. :(
 

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Discussion Starter #14
That phrase "why can't I just be happy"? Is exactly what my STBXW said to me in a moment of frustration when our daughter didn't want to go visit her one night. To me it meant, I want to not come back and work on our marriage, I want to be with someone else AND I want my relationship with my daughter to be perfect as well. The selfishness is sickening. It's a huge character flaw/personality disorder. People like this will pay for their selfishness at some point.
 

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Some people are just terrible parents and don't want to be better at it. I used to ask my parents to give me away. They were straight awful at being parents and they didn't see a problem with that. I don't know if there's a clinical diagnosis for that or not but there you have it.
 

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I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I cannot understand it myself. I would never leave my children. I do not even think I can handle only seeing them half the week. That is alot of the reason my husband got a second chance. We both are very invested in our kids. It also helped that I love him more the world. Hope you get some good answers.
 

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I also wondered how mothers could leave their children, and especially for a man, sorry, but no man is worth more than their children. I think these women have mental health issues for sure. When my ex and I split, I would never have thought to leave my kids and take off to start a new life...wtf?? I fought hard to keep them with me during the week, and for the ex to see them on weekends, I couldn't bare to not see them as much as I do.

IDK what goes on, I think women meet up with men who don't want their kids around, feel jealous or whatever....bottom line...kids suffer the consequences.
 

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Few days after d-day, in my case, my 8 years young son and 7 years young daughter were praying to god for peace at home but my WS wife was/is in fog and never even bother to feel the pain/insecurity my kids have/had. Till today she is in the same fog...
 

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Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
My daughter generally doesn't care much about visiting her mother, let alone sleep over. I usually go pick her up before bed and bring her home.
Considering all that's happened with her leaving, not having my daughter all the time makes me the most angry. I had no choice but to become a parttime parent too, it was thrust upon me.

Yet another one of lifes' injustices. I'm glad I'm old enough to be done having children, so if I meet a woman and decide to re-marry, and I get cheated on again (got to be realistic, right?), at least there will be no children to consider.
 
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