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935 Views 5 Replies 4 Participants Last post by KnightTime, Oct 30, 2012

DaisyDawnS

Discussion Starter · Oct 30, 2012

I have never posted in a marriage forum before. So, here goes.

I am 48 years old and have been with my husband for over 4 years. We have a great mariage but as most have our issues.
My biggest frustration is that I cant talk with him about anything that refers to him or he gets very defensive and starts saying hurtful things.
Someone I dont know posted "thanks for the email at work it made my night". Well that bothered me. I asked him about it and he said its someone that he works with that works the night shift who is having problems at work and he is trying to help her. Why would a woman post that on a married mans page. I asked him how would she like it if I posted that on her boyfriends page. He said "she doesnt get mad over stupid sh*% like that". That hurt my feelings so bad. It was like he was disregarding my feelings and taking up for someone I dont even know. This particular issue has happened a few times. I bring up something that bothers me and he turns it around making me feel like I am wrong for allowing it to bother me.
This only makes me not want to say anything about anything that involves him. I cant take the response. We havent talked really in 3 days. Just what we have to say. Hes tried basic conversation but I am just so frustrated that he just wants to sweep it under the rug as always. Its on my mind and I am hurt by his response that I just get quiet.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.

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Wazza

· #2 · Oct 30, 2012

DaisyDawnS said:
I have never posted in a marriage forum before. So, here goes.

I am 48 years old and have been with my husband for over 4 years. We have a great mariage but as most have our issues.
My biggest frustration is that I cant talk with him about anything that refers to him or he gets very defensive and starts saying hurtful things.
Someone I dont know posted "thanks for the email at work it made my night". Well that bothered me. I asked him about it and he said its someone that he works with that works the night shift who is having problems at work and he is trying to help her. Why would a woman post that on a married mans page. I asked him how would she like it if I posted that on her boyfriends page. He said "she doesnt get mad over stupid sh*% like that". That hurt my feelings so bad. It was like he was disregarding my feelings and taking up for someone I dont even know. This particular issue has happened a few times. I bring up something that bothers me and he turns it around making me feel like I am wrong for allowing it to bother me.
This only makes me not want to say anything about anything that involves him. I cant take the response. We havent talked really in 3 days. Just what we have to say. Hes tried basic conversation but I am just so frustrated that he just wants to sweep it under the rug as always. Its on my mind and I am hurt by his response that I just get quiet.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Hi Daisy,

It's a grey area where you draw the line in regard to opposite sex friends. I would suggest you try and have a calm conversation about it with him and agree where the line should be drawn...remembering that you have to live with the same line!!

Ultimately, you have to trust each other. If he is going to cheat he is going to cheat....just like if you are going to cheat you are going to cheat. There is only so much you can do towards preventing it.

Is it really the issue that you can't talk about anything to do with him, in all areas? Or was that just a way to introduce your concern over his relationship with the girl at work?

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ankh

· #3 · Oct 30, 2012

Daisy:

I echo the previous post. Whatever rule applies to him applies equally to you as well. Put your trust in him and move forward. He'll feel that confidence you have in him and will respect you.

He does have some growing up to do, needs to learn how to control his temper and how to communicate effectively.

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DaisyDawnS

Discussion Starter · #4 · Oct 30, 2012

I trust him. I believed him when he told me what the post was about. It is when I tried to explain how it made me feel (and very calmly) that he started saying the things he did. I feel like I cant express myself to him if it is in regards to him. When I do he starts with "oh im always wrong, I might as well delete everything, not talk with anyone and on and on and on". And thats after the first few words of me asking him if I can talk with him without him getting mad at me. It is like I dont have that option. I wish he would have just said that he was sorry that it bothered me and told me why. That would have been all it would have taken. I told him I was just trying to share with him my feelings and he blew up. We both have many opposite sex friends. He doesnt care what anyone says to me or who it is. He will ask me and I tell him. I tell him he is number 1 and his feelings always comes first.
I feel anymore that its better I just keep stuff to myself and deal with it internally. Its more hurtful when I dont.

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Wazza

· #5 · Oct 30, 2012

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I get your attention?

My wife did this and that's ultimately what led to her affair.

You will find any number of threads with this sort of situation on TAM. Annie Ash's is a good one (though it is a long read).

The damage you will do to your marriage by not speaking up is incalculable.

You BOTH need to work on communication. That would be my starting point. I assume half the problem is him. Guess who I think is the other half?

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KnightTime

· #6 · Oct 30, 2012

sorry you're having trouble(s)... it's disheartening when lines of communication get shut down!

you mentioned that "he's tried basic communication".
By that, did you mean that after your confrontation with him, he really didn't want to talk about the issue at hand, but did try to make chit-chat?
If yes, I'd recommend that you don't shut him down and/or give the ol' silent treatment to him.. as aggravating as it may be, & even though you're not getting your concern addressed, [at least] you two are "talking", which often tends to lend itself to better times… which can ultimately lead to that just right moment when you're both feeling open, and can address what's bothering you.

It sounds as though your H has a chip on his shoulder when it comes to issues like this one. I don't know anything about you, except what you've just stated; but I would suggest you ask yourself if there is anything that happened in the past to make him defensive like this..(?) I'm not assigning any blame, only asking..
if your H was here, what would he say, when it comes to things that he can't talk to you about? (ie: what's your hang-up when it comes to communicating?)

sometime when you two are talking, maybe you could first talk about things pertaining to you that bother him…that could be an ice-breaker..
then, hopefully, you will have the opportunity to communicate the things about him that are bothering you

i wish you the best.

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