Talk About Marriage banner
Cancel

Withdrawal Method

4958 Views 62 Replies 23 Participants Last post by  Livvie, 
S
Opinions please! Husband and I been married over 20 years and together 3 years before marriage. I was on birth control pills for ten years before we met. A year into our marriage, we decided kids are ok so I came off the pill to give my body a break. We conceived quickly and had our first kid. We used condoms and withdrawal method after this birth. Husband was fine with it.

We discussed him having a vasectomy (I had a difficult labor so didn’t want to risk tubal ligation). He agreed to look into it. Then he chickened out.

The withdrawal method continued until we had the next kid (intentionally a year later). I almost bleed to death in labor for this kid. We then decided no more kids. Still, he refused a vasectomy.

So 15+ years have now passed. We have been doing withdrawal just fine. No issues. Five years ago, I began having yeast infections frequently. After dealing with this, I finally went to a specialist who cultured my vagina and saw a rare yeast that is not treated with normal yeast cream or diflucan pills. I went thru two years of hell battling this type of yeast. Multiple rounds of creams, suppositories, pills, everything to cure it. I finally went almost completely sugar free diet and it went away. I acquired vulvadynia as a result- hyper irritated tissues that are highly sensitive now.

Flash forward to a year ago. I go into early menopause. Hot flashes, night sweats galore. Also dry and atrophy of the vagina. My dr puts me on vaginal HRT. This took several iterations to get the formula right and not have constant irritation. Dr offers me oral or patch HRT- but I have relatives in my family who have had breast cancer. The vaginal cream miraculously cured the sweats and hot flashes. It helps my vagina about 75%. So I am trotting along trying my best to satisfy my husbands sexual needs (he has history of higher sex drive). We usually do it 3 times a week if the vagina is healthy- otherwise it can be 3-5 times a month if it is having a flare up.

So here is my issue- my lovely husband knows my vaginal issues. Suddenly he is making it his mission to ejaculate inside me. He talks about it a lot. One night I was out at the grocery store experiencing a flare up down there. I needed some emotional support from him. I call him up and spend 10 min or so describing the burning and itching. Side note- we had actually had sex a few days prior and I told him it was ok to ejaculate inside me. It was tingling afterwards, and it had been irritated since. I told him we need to back off doing that for a while. He wanted to know how long. I couldn’t give an answer- and he told me that cumming inside me was very important to him as he’s looked forward to it for years. I told him he wasn’t being very sympathetic to me. Sounds like he’s only concerned with ejaculating. This made him angry and he begins to yell at me.

So I ask him what if I can never let him cum in me again- is he going to leave me. No answer. I really got upset then. I am angry he seems only concerned with this and not me. Also- he didn’t answer me that of course he wouldn’t put that above me.

It isn’t fair that he went for years being a chicken regarding a vasectomy but now wants to pressure me to make this happen for him. I worry what he will do if he can’t get his way.
See less See more
Reply
Save
Like
41 - 60 of 63 Posts
A
Talker67 said:
not to seem crass, but there is a different entry for PIV sex...have you tried that? He might be happy with that, along with other things like BJs.
Click to expand...
Not to seem blunt but you realize she didn't come here to figure out how to make her husband happy. She is feeling that he's being insensitive to her needs while she has tried to maintain a sex life and seek solution to her current medical issue which is making sex painful for her. We always see men claim that they would be ok if their wife had a medical issue and was seeking treatment. Well she has a medical issue, she's seeking treatment and trying to maintain a sex life while lots of times it is painful or creates pain. So after a long marriage he's actually implying it's a divorcable offense if he can't ejaculate inside her. Doing this in response to her calling for support because she's literally in pain walking around the grocery store (shopping for him groceries).

So she probably isn't worried right this minute if he's ok with a BJ. And it isn't a different entry for PIV sex that isn't PIV sex.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
R
Julie's Husband said:
One of Julie's friends had her hubby get a vasectomy and then went out and had tubal ligation, somehow without him knowing, so she could play around. She was a man hunter and not worried about whether they were married.

Then she left him after talking him into not being able to start a new family when she left.

As a side note, she had blue eyes that were to die for and a pretty nice bum. I used to ride my bike behind her and Julie with the supposed purpose of being a shield from errant drivers.
Click to expand...
Well the thing is, the vasectomy can be reversed. My doctor when I was clipped 4 decades ago after we had our fourth child told me that if wanted to reverse it in the future could be accomplished easily. In fact, he said then that sometimes the tubes can reattach on their own if the original procedure doesn't cut a long enough section out. Anyway, in my case already had 4 kids by the wife, and even if we had split at a future date, had no desire for any more offspring. The wife was thinking to have tubes ties with birth of the last child, I told her absolutely not, the vas procedure much simpler with lower risk.
Reply
Save
Like
R
Beach123 said:
So your husband doesn’t consider you at all and how sex with him negatively affects your body.
So don’t have sex with him. At all. Until he agrees to wear a condom every time it gets a vasectomy - AND starts considering how YOU must feel!
He is seriously selfish. And that never makes for a good sex partner. If he won’t change you shouldn’t stay with him.
Click to expand...
Again, a vasectomy isn't going to prevent fluids from him causing problems with her vagina. So, if he wants any loving he is going to have to use a condom from now on. Of course acting like an a$$ isn't going to get him any loving anyway.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
L
Talker67 said:
not to seem crass, but there is a different entry for PIV sex...have you tried that? He might be happy with that, along with other things like BJs.
Click to expand...
Since PIV means penis in vagina how is there a different entry????

This dude had decades to go bareback in her and chose not to, he didn't want a vasectomy. Decades.

Now she's having issues. He's a day late (okay, decades) and a dollar short.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 4
J
Julie's Husband said:
One of Julie's friends had her hubby get a vasectomy and then went out and had tubal ligation, somehow without him knowing, so she could play around. She was a man hunter and not worried about whether they were married.

Then she left him after talking him into not being able to start a new family when she left.

As a side note, she had blue eyes that were to die for and a pretty nice bum. I used to ride my bike behind her and Julie with the supposed purpose of being a shield from errant drivers.
Click to expand...
That would piss me off being talked into a vasectomy and then getting a divorce
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
Cletus
ccpowerslave said:
I don’t want to do it. A guy I know was one of the people who ended up with infected nuts. There are also people who end up with chronic ball pain.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I'm one of them.

Still worth it. Nut up.
Reply
Save
Like
ccpowerslave
Cletus said:
Yeah, I'm one of them.

Still worth it. Nut up.
Click to expand...
Worth what? My wife takes BC pills.
Reply
Save
Like
pastasauce79
If you are post- menopausal you are not gonna get pregnant. If you are peri-menopausal you can still get pregnant. Be careful.

I'm peri-menopausal, still have regular periods but there are changes before, during and after my periods. I know I can still get pregnant because I'm still ovulating, but my husband got a vasectomy 10 years ago, so I don't have to worry about getting pregnant.

I got my first (ever) yeast infection last year. I thought my vagina was on fire!! I don't know where that came from! My PCP said it can be common when things start changing down there. I know I need more lube than usual. I know things are changing.

The good news is my husband is supportive.

I don't know what I would do if my husband reacted like yours. Maybe you can take him to your next Drs appointment and the Dr can explain what's going on and why his sperm is irritating you. He needs to understand how this is affecting your health and your well-being.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
R
pastasauce79 said:
appointment and the Dr can explain what's going on and why his sperm is irritating you. He needs to understand how this is affecting your health and your well-being.
Click to expand...
From article in Forbes:
“Unprotected penetrative sex with a man changes the pH of your vagina because semen has a pHof between 7.1 and 8. During sex, the pH of your vagina rises in order to create a more alkaline environment to protect the sperm and encourage fertilization. This can also encourage the growth of certain bacteria.”
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
A
Rus47 said:
From article in Forbes:
“Unprotected penetrative sex with a man changes the pH of your vagina because semen has a pHof between 7.1 and 8. During sex, the pH of your vagina rises in order to create a more alkaline environment to protect the sperm and encourage fertilization. This can also encourage the growth of certain bacteria.”
Click to expand...
The real problem is her husband doesn't care,
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 3
Julie's Husband
pastasauce79 said:
If you are post- menopausal you are not gonna get pregnant. If you are peri-menopausal you can still get pregnant. Be careful.

I'm peri-menopausal, still have regular periods but there are changes before, during and after my periods. I know I can still get pregnant because I'm still ovulating, but my husband got a vasectomy 10 years ago, so I don't have to worry about getting pregnant.

I got my first (ever) yeast infection last year. I thought my vagina was on fire!! I don't know where that came from! My PCP said it can be common when things start changing down there. I know I need more lube than usual. I know things are changing.

The good news is my husband is supportive.

I don't know what I would do if my husband reacted like yours. Maybe you can take him to your next Drs appointment and the Dr can explain what's going on and why his sperm is irritating you. He needs to understand how this is affecting your health and your well-being.
Click to expand...
OP should get hubby a shot of Lupron. It causes menopause with all the glorious symptoms in both men and women. That should give him some insight. I went through 6 months of that.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
maquiscat
Sherrycherry said:
We discussed him having a vasectomy (I had a difficult labor so didn’t want to risk tubal ligation). He agreed to look into it. Then he chickened out.
Click to expand...
This part throws me a bit. What was the problem with the tubal ligation? As a general rule, a difficult labor should not have made an issue with the proceedure. Is there something else that was going on medically that made tubal ligation a problem? Especially with this:

I almost bleed to death in labor for this kid.
Click to expand...
Most doctors I know would have been pushing you to get your tubes tied for your life's sake. Especially since condoms and withdrawal are the two methods with the highest rate of failure, although still pretty low on the condoms in general.

It isn’t fair that he went for years being a chicken regarding a vasectomy but now wants to pressure me to make this happen for him. I worry what he will do if he can’t get his way.
Click to expand...
I can see his side to a point. Coming inside your mate is a closeness thing. And he has had to deny that to himself for years, hoping and waiting for the time that he didn't have to worry about getting your pregnant anymore. And now this happens. Granted that he might have had more years of being able to do so if he just got his operation. Yes he does need to remember that this isn't you per se, but something beyond your control. Just try to remember that he is now feeling betrayed, not by you, but nature. So while he needs to be sympathetic to your issues, likewise you should be sympathetic to his.
See less See more
Reply
Save
Like
maquiscat
Ragnar Ragnasson said:
Best ever. If OP is in menopause, can there even be a pregnancy, certainly not after.
Click to expand...
Even after menopause it is possible, although improbable, to get pregnant. It has happened in the past.
Reply
Save
Like
L
maquiscat said:
This part throws me a bit. What was the problem with the tubal ligation? As a general rule, a difficult labor should not have made an issue with the proceedure. Is there something else that was going on medically that made tubal ligation a problem? Especially with this:



Most doctors I know would have been pushing you to get your tubes tied for your life's sake. Especially since condoms and withdrawal are the two methods with the highest rate of failure, although still pretty low on the condoms in general.



I can see his side to a point. Coming inside your mate is a closeness thing. And he has had to deny that to himself for years, hoping and waiting for the time that he didn't have to worry about getting your pregnant anymore. And now this happens. Granted that he might have had more years of being able to do so if he just got his operation. Yes he does need to remember that this isn't you per se, but something beyond your control. Just try to remember that he is now feeling betrayed, not by you, but nature. So while he needs to be sympathetic to your issues, likewise you should be sympathetic to his.
Click to expand...
OMG the only reason he was"denied" that for years, decades, is because he refused to get a vasectomy!!!

She had multiple kids, he couldn't go through a simple medical procedure?

It's much easier than a tubal for her. It was definitely his turn to take one for the team, so to speak.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 3
C
I don't think this is off-topic... virtually all of my wife's various "down there" infections went away when we switched to coconut oil for lube. No more UTIs. No more yeast infections. The difference has been amazing. Regarding condoms, I actually encouraged that for a while because she thought the messiness of sex was a big issue for her. But she say's they're "too scratchy." Turns out they're actually a trigger from stuff in her past, but who knows, OP's issues could have some other additional basis as well.

Regarding tubal ligation vs vasectomy, I think it also depends upon the state of the marriage. If things aren't wonderful, the guy may have second thoughts about something that could come back to bite him in a later marriage. This was a very distinct issue for me. The woman may be "done" with kids, now and forever. Regardless of her feelings for the future of the marriage. The guy could have other ideas. Or vice versa.
Reply
Save
Like
L
Casual Observer said:
I don't think this is off-topic... virtually all of my wife's various "down there" infections went away when we switched to coconut oil for lube. No more UTIs. No more yeast infections. The difference has been amazing. Regarding condoms, I actually encouraged that for a while because she thought the messiness of sex was a big issue for her. But she say's they're "too scratchy." Turns out they're actually a trigger from stuff in her past, but who knows, OP's issues could have some other additional basis as well.

Regarding tubal ligation vs vasectomy, I think it also depends upon the state of the marriage. If things aren't wonderful, the guy may have second thoughts about something that could come back to bite him in a later marriage. This was a very distinct issue for me. The woman may be "done" with kids, now and forever. Regardless of her feelings for the future of the marriage. The guy could have other ideas. Or vice versa.
Click to expand...
Well if he didn't get a vasectomy because he was thinking he might want children with another woman someday, thus choosing to keep that possibility open for a couple of decades and sacrificing "going in her" to do so during those decades, he's even a BIGGER **** NOW to complain that she's having medical issues and he can't go in her in this menopausal time. What an asshole.

I mean... it feels relationship ending (from her perspective), to me.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
C
Livvie said:
Well if he didn't get a vasectomy because he was thinking he might want children with another woman someday, thus choosing to keep that possibility open for a couple of decades and sacrificing "going in her" to do so during those decades, he's even a BIGGER **** NOW to complain that she's having medical issues and he can't go in her in this menopausal time. What an asshole.

I mean... it feels relationship ending (from her perspective), to me.
Click to expand...
Agreed.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
ccpowerslave
Casual Observer said:
I actually encouraged that for a while because she thought the messiness of sex was a big issue for her.
Click to expand...
Yeah my wife isn’t a fan either. Sometimes I will use one for that reason or just pull out and do it someplace else which is what happened this morning and I gotta say I had some build up or something and it made a big mess everywhere. I have some sympathy for having that leaking out all day, it doesn’t seem pleasant.
Reply
Save
Like
maquiscat
Livvie said:
OMG the only reason he was"denied" that for years, decades, is because he refused to get a vasectomy!!!

She had multiple kids, he couldn't go through a simple medical procedure?

It's much easier than a tubal for her. It was definitely his turn to take one for the team, so to speak.
Click to expand...
First off, my question as far as her getting a tubal, is that it is her life if his BC fails. Especially since he refused the vasectomy. Not to mention, I still don't get what a rough labor has to do with whether she could get one or not.

Secondly, I already acknowledge his part of the problem because he refused the procedure. That doesn't lessen his loss. It excuses it less, but still, this was an unexpected development, so it was not unreasonable to expect to be able to engage in the activity at a later time.

Also she only had two kids. And given what she went through that was quite enough. Personally, if I was in her position I would have insisted on the tubal (again assuming that there wasn't a medical reason she didn't mention). And no I don't have to be a woman to make that kind of assessment. The mere fact that something could threaten my life that I could have taken care of is enough parallel.
Reply
Save
Like
maquiscat
Casual Observer said:
Regarding tubal ligation vs vasectomy, I think it also depends upon the state of the marriage. If things aren't wonderful, the guy may have second thoughts about something that could come back to bite him in a later marriage. This was a very distinct issue for me. The woman may be "done" with kids, now and forever. Regardless of her feelings for the future of the marriage. The guy could have other ideas. Or vice versa.
Click to expand...
This made me think of another possibility. If he feared that because she didn't get the tubal, and then died from a subsequent accidental pregnancy, he might be wanting to be sure he could have children with a later wife.
Reply
Save
Like
  • Haha
Reactions: 1
41 - 60 of 63 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Talk About Marriage
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Explore Our Forums
Coping with Infidelity General Relationship Discussion Sex in Marriage Going Through Divorce or Separation The Men's Clubhouse
Top