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With online infedility,Give up or work on it??

1110 Views 9 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  Missbao
I really hope someone can give me some direction. Ok i have been married almost 3 yrs. We have been having problems last 8 months. First thing my husband went back in contact with his ex after he had promised to stop. Emails and pictures and skype back and forth. Found out about it, he said am sorry and it means nothing. Then again two months later i find hes talking to another gal. Constant texts and calls through out. He wouldn't let me see his phone when i asked. He told her he loved her and how important she was to him and was just with me and baby for convenience. Found out again, had huge fight. He said he doesn't mean anything. Hes like its just talk. So now last month i found phone calls to a number and called it. The lady said they met on an online site. I found his profile and everything which says he was divorced and looking.He also lied and said he went to store but went to chicks house. When i found out he was like we didnt do anything. I sort of believe him because the lady said the same thing.I am just so tired of it. So i ask him what is the issue, he is like he is not feeling appreciated. He also says that i yell at him a lot. well of course i do. hes always doing stupid stuff. I dont know what to do. I mean should we separate or try to work it out. I mean how will i ever trust him again. he obviously doesn't see anything wrong because his phone and computer still have a password to this day. Is it a lost cause. Should i just pick up my pieces and leave?? I mean you cant have your cake and eat it too. you are either married or not. Am so conflicted because i dont know if i can get over the hurt or even if its the right thing to do
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Its so hard right now. He moved into the guest room few days ago when i got mad and said that i don't trust that he is where he says he is. Just seeing him and knowing that hes up there doing whatever, drives me crazy!! I just wish there was a way for me to just leave but i just started a new job after not working for 8 months so i don't have anything saved. At the same time i just want to fix it like i have been trying for months. I mean we were once so happy. I don't know.
I think you've given him plenty of chances to work on it. His actions don't give you any evidence of him wanting to do what he needs to to get your trust back. That's what you need to focus on -- his actions, not his words. Look around this site for information on the 180, and stop going after him. I understand how hard it is when you don't have your own resources to move out, but do your best to save up and get out. Go to a lawyer and see what you can do for child support and sharing your assets. Don't wait on this, or he may take what should be partly yours.

Sorry you are here, but you'll get a lot of good information on this site. Hugs to you!
Thank you for input. I will continue to look at the site for others experiences with similar issues. Now that i started my new job i should have some money saved up quick. I just wish i was sure that leaving was the right thing.
The only way that would work is if he realized how wrong his actions were and he started bending over backwards to resolve the issues. That would START with him giving up his passwords and codes for every method of electronic communication, but that would only be a beginning.

Since he's not willing to go down that path, I'd say move on.

Yeah he doesn't even think that there is a huge issue. Apparently am overreacting because they didn't sleep together. I mean this has been a year of constant battle of different females online. I guess he will never see that. Now he is like if a separation will make you happy then i will file on Monday.
Sorry to hear what you are going through.

I agree with others that until he admits the severity of what he is doing and he starts to do the right things there is no chance of recovering your marriage.

What he is doing is wrong. Actions always speak louder than words.

If he has issues in the marriage, the mature way to handle it is to talk to you and work in them.
Do the two of you have completely separate finances? Is this why you have no access to money right now?

Why would you move out? He’s the one cheating. He should be the one to move out. However neither of you can force the other out legally since this is the marital home and both of your legal residences. Many couples live in the same home through much of the divorce process because of this.
If you are interested in trying to save your marriage, the book “Surviving an Affair”, by Dr. Harley, is a very good place to start.

He’s a foolish man. If he files for divorce on Monday, you will be able to ask the court for him to pay you child support. If his income is higher than yours you can also file for spousal support. So if he does, make sure you file for both interim spousal and children support. Interim support is the support that is paid until the divorce is final.

Many states now have online calculators and all the forms to file without an attorney. If you live in Cali I can point you to all of this for that state.

He thinks he has the upper hand here and that he can punish you. Well he’s about to find out, no matter what direction this goes in, that you too have rights and he too has obligations.

If he does not file for divorce, I think you might want to do this as soon as possible. Remember that a divorce can be stopped up until the time a judge signs the final decree. It can takes months, even years to get a divorce. And there is always re-marriage after divorce.

He thinks that you will put up with any nonsense he throws at you because you have so far. Your filing will let him know that you are serious… either he stop this nonsense, gives up the other women, becomes transparent with his internet, phone and everything else and work on your marriage.. or you are getting a divorcec.
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I think you should give up.

My wife did a similar thing, kept talking to men online even after telling me she would stop. Now that we're at the end of the marriage she will still insist she did not lie and cheat - but I know how many times I caught her talking and sexting, and also have evidence that she went out on dates (like you found about your husband going to see a girl). I also am not sure and she will deny that it ever went physical, but in my opinion the only difference with physical is that physical often has after effects (STD, pregnancy) while you CAN come back from non-physical cheating.

However, like in your scenario, my SO just kept doing it, thinking in her world she was OK doing all this but not crossing that line. But for me it showed I should not have trusted her before, definitely shouldn't trust her now, and have to move on. And like you, we're in the same house right now and I know enough about technology to know that she was on, etc, all the time, and when she's out I feel that way.

So get out... you gave this guy a chance and he's shown his values are not the same as yours.
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@ Elegirl
Yes we technically had two separate accounts and just paid half of everthing while i was working. But we moved to Korea temporarily for his work and i couldnt work there. We just got back few months ago and now i just started my new job. He is still paying for all bills while i am not working. We had to spend the money i had saved from before on our bills since he decided to pay his dad and brothers bills without considering how it would affect us. he never even discussed it with me. I had to ask to look at his account and there was no money because he had spent it all. So we used mine since we moved back. And as for housing we will both have to leave eventually because we live on Army base housing which is not for unmarried couples.

Its sad that a similar thing happened to you. I mean its like the other person has no sense.
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