Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 39 of 39 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,717 Posts
Discussion Starter #21
Your mom may not actually expect you to do everything she tells you to. She may think it's her job to provide unwanted and unsolicited advice. You can thank her for her advice/input and tell her that you'll consider it. Then, go on your merry way and do exactly what you want. Mom got her mom kibbles (which allow her to think she is still needed) and you're off the hook. You've been reacting like a little girl - it's time to learn how to manage mom like an adult. Hint - flattery will get you everywhere.

I'd call my dad out on those over-the-top statements. That's childish on his part.
I agree with your thoughts on this too. I overshare, always in hopes that they'll someday accept me. My sister (who lives 5 hours away) doesn't do this, and tends to get along with them a little better these days. She's suggested I cut down the sharing of info, but it's hard when I get questioned, and I'm a terrible liar. I seriously couldn't pull the wool over a sheep's eyes. But yes, when she gives unwarranted advice, thanking her and telling her I'll consider it is a good idea. Feed her the kibbles of being needed, and I'm off the hook. I like that idea!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,717 Posts
Discussion Starter #22
"On the other hand, my Dad stormed out of my home this evening, and I think he said something about hoping they’re in an accident on the way home. This isn’t the first time he’s said something like this; once, a couple days before a flight and dropping their dogs off with me, he said that he hoped the plane crashed and they died. Then they wonder why I feel awful and guilty. This is the joy I get to deal with!
"
Ursula, did your Dad do this because he was mad at YOU, or was it because something your Mom did (sounds like the latter, but not clear).
In EITHER event, your Dad is guilt-tripping folks/trying to manipulate from the sounds of it. Good technique for someone who is 12-14 and hasn't learned better, but really not a good way to handle things as a full blown adult.

Next time he says this, just tell him "well then I hope your will is up-to-date!". Just try to make sure HE sees that he can't manipulate you or guilt trip you with this stuff anymore.
Honestly, I have no idea why he says/does things like this, but I feel that it's childish and manipulative. The only thing that I can come up with is that he doesn't like it when I express an opinion. I remember one time (I was 22/23) that I was quite upset and down, and they told me to get over it (the situation at hand: my family forced me to break up with a guy I was dating because they didn't like him). I asked my Dad if I could say my piece and was told, "no, your opinion means nothing to me so you can just shut up".

LoL to the bolded -- I'd be curious to see what his reaction would be to that!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,717 Posts
Discussion Starter #23
Is the ''grey stone'' a technique where you hurl a rock at your parents? If so, I recommend it also.

Despite all of you being adults, you're still in ''young daughter'' mode. This needs to change.
Haha, no, it's just a technique where one doesn't react in any way at all. Yes, in times like this, I feel much younger than my age.

How old are you, Ursula? And how long have you been living by yourself?

If you have been on your own for while then it's time to cut the emotional umbilical cord with your parents.

You don't need their approval to make decisions. Do you feel insecure about your decisions and need their emotional support?

I love my parents but I realized I need to live far away from them in order to have peace of mind. My parents, my siblings and I have a group chat and we all text almost daily. That's all the communication I need from all of them. Maybe you can start texting your mom and stop calling her every day.

You're not a bad daughter by enforcing boundaries. Not at all. As a mom my goal is to prepare my children to live without me. I want them to be able to make decisions without my help.
When you are making a decision without telling your mom, you're not a bad daughter. You're being an independent grown woman who has learned how to be an adult and in control of your life.

If the change is overwhelming you can start slow, one day at a time. Don't call your mom today. Step back a little bit every day. And reward yourself if it helps!

I don't like your dad's manipulate actions. If that was my dad saying he hoped he died I would have said something like, "well, if you guys die then the dogs have to go to a shelter because I'm not prepared to take care of them. Sorry." Turn around and leave.

You don't have to beg for attention and acceptance from anyone, including family. Good luck!!
Pastasauce, I'm 41, and bought my first home at 26 (when I first moved out); 9 years ago, I built the home my 2 dogs and I live in now. Have been married; am now divorced. Have a full-time job, and 2 side gig businesses that I started almost 4 years ago now. I did all of the above on my own. I definitely don't need my parent's guidance when it comes to decision making, but I do respect their opinions and thoughts concerning some things. It's an issue though because I need to figure out that fine line between sharing and oversharing. I haven't called or texted my Mom today, and it feels right.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,763 Posts
Your dad does sound childish and passive-aggressive, with some bullying tendencies thrown in, to me. It’s hard enough to deal with one controlling parent but you’ve got two so you’ll have to double your efforts, unfortunately. They won’t give up easily, and it may take awhile, but hopefully they’ll get the message.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
687 Posts
There's a lot of baggage around parent/child relationships.

My take may meet disapproval from some.

First - I am the father of two now 40+ y.o. kids.

Secondly - Having kids is a selfish act. Not necessarily bad, but selfish. Either we have kids because we want to have kids or we have kids because we can't be bothered not to have kids.

My kids had no more say in their existence than I, or you, had in ours.

That means that my kids don't owe me. I owe them. I owe them because I forced them to exist. Life isn't something they were given - it was forced upon them with no option to decline.

That doesn't preclude them being grateful, either for their lives or for individual acts, but they are under no obligation to be so. Nor are you.

I'm not qualified to tell you how to do so - but I suspect that you need to rebalance the power dynamic in your relationship with your parents. As with marriages - the party most prepared to divorce is likely to be the one who controls the relationship.

Sometimes parents express "disappointment" with their kids - they don't act as expected, achieve as expected, earn as expected, socialise as expected, produce grandchildren as expected etc..

So what?

Parents who care will have expectations but that is all they are entitled to. They created an independent life - they have, IMO, a moral duty to support that individual - whether it follows their preferred lifestyle or not.

My twopennorth.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,445 Posts
Honestly, I have no idea why he says/does things like this, but I feel that it's childish and manipulative. The only thing that I can come up with is that he doesn't like it when I express an opinion. I remember one time (I was 22/23) that I was quite upset and down, and they told me to get over it (the situation at hand: my family forced me to break up with a guy I was dating because they didn't like him). I asked my Dad if I could say my piece and was told, "no, your opinion means nothing to me so you can just shut up".

LoL to the bolded -- I'd be curious to see what his reaction would be to that!
I can't even!:surprise: I hope your dad has grown up some in the past decade or so. No parent has a right to talk to a child in that manner. It certainly doesn't command respect.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,752 Posts
I agree with your thoughts on this too. I overshare, always in hopes that they'll someday accept me. My sister (who lives 5 hours away) doesn't do this, and tends to get along with them a little better these days. She's suggested I cut down the sharing of info, but it's hard when I get questioned, and I'm a terrible liar. I seriously couldn't pull the wool over a sheep's eyes. But yes, when she gives unwarranted advice, thanking her and telling her I'll consider it is a good idea. Feed her the kibbles of being needed, and I'm off the hook. I like that idea!
If you keep thanking her for advice you don't want, you'll continue to get it. That doesn't sound like being off the hook to me, it sounds like being walked over.

Maybe the problem is she really doesn't know when she's bugging you.

It would be great if everyone could read our minds and did what we wanted, but often you have to let people know what you don't like, and some of them you have to insist they respect it or it's going to mess up the relationship.

I try to signal how much I appreciate the advice I get, and the same with inquiries. I don't feel the need to pull the wool over anyone's eyes, I just try to let them know if they're pushing the boundaries or not. As with all things, only be as tactless as you need to be. If you can get them to back off w/ "I don't want to discuss that" in a nice tone, do that. If they keep coming back to it or get hostile, you have to ratchet it up.

If you do try to establish stuff like this and they don't respect it, in a calm moment tell her that it's a stumbling block in your relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,445 Posts
Ursula has to create a new relationship with her parents. It will take time to train them. The new relationship can be kind and loving or adversarial. She can walk softly knowing she carries a big stick or she can be unyielding with every interaction.

Maybe, she will eventually need to get in their faces; but, she can try the softer route first. Her mom may be domineering and a force to be reckoned with - but, she loves her daughter. It might not hurt Ursula to emulate some of her mom's traits when dealing with her.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,688 Posts
Don't wish to be born, you have of that.
Wish to live, you have too little of that.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,688 Posts
Once born, you plopped out, taking your own form.
When still little, you continued to suckle from your mother.

At some point, the mother misses the suckling that has abandoned her.

Give this old mother a grandchild.
At this point, her attention will shift from you to this infant as her new suckling.

Mothers never stop being those milk maids.
A mothers breasts remind her of her born duties every moment she looks down at them.
Looks down at them and reminisces.


Lilith-
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,284 Posts
You're a good daughter, it sure sounds like it. 👍🙂🙂

In any family, as children grow and have their own lives, it can be hard for all to get that key part, "own lives".

Every family has to cross that sometimes rocky bridge, to each gain a little space.

And that space is necessary to have best relations over the ling term.

It is going to be up to you to be the leader in this with your parents it sounds like. And that's ok, it's normal.

Perhaps follow some of the great advice in above posts.

Always be kind and polite. They'll go through an adjustment period, again, normal.

You can do it 🙂🙂
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
687 Posts
Once born, you plopped out, taking your own form.
When still little, you continued to suckle from your mother.

At some point, the mother misses the suckling that has abandoned her.

Give this old mother a grandchild.
At this point, her attention will shift from you to this infant as her new suckling.

Mothers never stop being those milk maids.
A mothers breasts remind her of her born duties every moment she looks down at them.
Looks down at them and reminisces.


Lilith-
I may be misunderstanding this...but...........

Any child has enough to cope with in life without being born as a way to get someone else's mother off their back.

Marriage was the price my father paid for me.

I was the price my mother paid for a stable home for herself and her young daughter. She did her best to cater for my needs - but she didn't, couldn't, feel for me the way she felt for my younger siblings. They were hers - I was notionally my father's but, in reality, my paternal grandparents'.

I knew - from an early age.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,688 Posts
I may be misunderstanding this...but...........

Any child has enough to cope with in life without being born as a way to get someone else's mother off their back.

Marriage was the price my father paid for me.

I was the price my mother paid for a stable home for herself and her young daughter. She did her best to cater for my needs - but she didn't, couldn't, feel for me the way she felt for my younger siblings. They were hers - I was notionally my father's but, in reality, my paternal grandparents'.

I knew - from an early age.
Aye!

I see life through the eyes of some breasted mother.
You see life as the sacrificial lamb, one bled, one sheared, but not one spiritually fed.

Love of yourself. :smile2:

Love of life.
Why?
You have survived. :grin2:

There can be no greater gift than life, and no greater loss, than not ever owning one.

With life you have eyes and a heart.
With no life, you have nothing.


Lilith-

The Typist I- I helped her draft this.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,688 Posts
I want to see Ursula with a big belly.

A belly holding a new life, a life that takes her mind off of her own worries.

She is ever worrying about men and being alone.
With a child she will never be that person, the child will always occupy her thoughts.

Men can fill your pastimes and your fluff box, but never your ever-waking moments.
A child can do this, ah, for as long as air enters your mouth.



Lilith-
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
687 Posts
You see life as the sacrificial lamb, one bled, one sheared, but not one spiritually fed.
I don't pretend to understand many of your posts - but this, taken literally, is sheer arrant twaddle
Love of yourself. :smile2:
I live life knowing that the only person who has to be with me 24/7 is me. I try to ensure that the way I live my life means that I am content with my own company - not perfect of course - but as "good" as I can be. If, and only if, you interpret that as love of yourself - you are correct.
Love of life.
Why?
You have survived. :grin2:

There can be no greater gift than life, and no greater loss, than not ever owning one.
False.

Life is not a gift - it is an imposition.

Not necessarily a bad imposition but to be a gift it has to be acceptable/refusable.
With life you have eyes and a heart.
With no life, you have nothing.
I suspect you're trying to be mystical again - on any other level it is so over simplistic as to be risible.
Lilith-

The Typist I- I helped her draft this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,717 Posts
Discussion Starter #36
I want to see Ursula with a big belly.

A belly holding a new life, a life that takes her mind off of her own worries.

She is ever worrying about men and being alone.
With a child she will never be that person, the child will always occupy her thoughts.

Men can fill your pastimes and your fluff box, but never your ever-waking moments.
A child can do this, ah, for as long as air enters your mouth.

Lilith-
I’d like to see me with a pregnant belly too, but unfortunately, I’m getting past my prime for that, and that along with my genes doesn’t bode well for a pregnancy. And to boot, my BF has had a vasectomy.

And a baby wouldn’t take my mind off the worries of getting along with my folks. If I had a baby, I could rest assured that I would be told how to raise that baby. But yes, I would be more occupied. However, I’m not worried about men or being alone anymore, as I’ve found the best man in the world, and even though we’re going through some difficulties with his youngest, we’re strong enough to get through this. And if we don’t make it, we don’t make it. At least I will know that there are decent men out there who will treat their woman like gold.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,717 Posts
Discussion Starter #37 (Edited)
I had a little chat with my Mom the other day again, and boy is this a challenge to deal with.

Conversation #1 went something like this:
Mom: I told your Dad that him and I have to be on our best behaviour during Christmas:
Me: Actually, I think it’s a good idea if we all are on our best behaviour

Conversation continued on and I mentioned to my Mom that Dad also needs to stop saying things like “I hope we die in a car accident on the way home”, or “I hope the plane goes down and we die”. I got yelled at and told that he’s never said anyhing like that. But, just because she missed hearing it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Called my sister who told me to stop bring up crap like that, which I agreed with. I guess I keep on because I hope that someday they’ll realize that their actions and words carry weight. I’m deluding myself though. I felt badly for bringing it up, so I called back:

Conversation #2:
Me: I just wanted to apologize for bringing that up earlier; I shouldn’t have
Mom: Oh that’s okay, Ursula
Me: ** started to say something, then got cut off because my Mom doesn’t like it when I share feelings **
Mom: Oh Ursula, you just need to stop
Me: Can I please have permission to say something?
Mom: Fine. Hurry up.
Me: You guys are great parents, and you’ve done a lot of good and have given a lot of help which has always been greatly appreciated. However, you’ve also done some bad too. We’re all human and we all make mistakes; we need to own those mistakes.
Mom: I’m really sorry for anything that I’ve ever done to hurt you
Me: ** I totally broke down sobbing on the phone **

Mom was super-dooper confused about my reaction, and was probably more confused when I said between sobs that that was the best Christmas gift she could ever give me. And, I thanked her. I realize that she still has no clue about anything, and she never will, but her apology sounded fairly genuine (for her), and it really hit me. She said that she’s really glad that I feel better, but there was chill to her voice. I really hope that we can all make it through Christmas unscathed, and that maybe we can all start getting along a little better. I’m still done trying to fix things because I know that’s impossible without cooperation from the other team, but I will still be polite and respectful to them, and am now done bringing up things to them because they don’t remember the things that they say/do, so it’s pointless and only brings about frustration for everyone. But for the first time in a month, my chest doesn’t hurt. My BF, who has had a heart attack, has been ready to break out the nitroglycerin for awhile now!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,791 Posts
You are such a sweetheart. So tender and empathetic and sensitive. You wear your heart on your sleeve (like me). I'm glad you feel better now.

Terrible news, though about your bf. I hope he will be okay.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,717 Posts
Discussion Starter #39
You are such a sweetheart. So tender and empathetic and sensitive. You wear your heart on your sleeve (like me). I'm glad you feel better now.

Terrible news, though about your bf. I hope he will be okay.
Aw, thank-you, and yeah, I wear my heart on my sleeve. He's doing well now, thanks! His heart attack was nearly 3 years ago. I didn't know him back then, but he's changed things around, eats really healthy and works out. I'm dreading March though when he's taken off a medication, as the risk of having another heart attack in those following few days goes up a lot. I've told him that I'm moving in for the week so he has someone with him!
 
21 - 39 of 39 Posts
Top