Willing to forgive......but

5471 Views 29 Replies 23 Participants Last post by TRy, Oct 17, 2012

Bpm2616

Discussion Starter · Oct 17, 2012 (Edited)

I am a male, been married for 9 years, we have an 8 year old son on the autistic spectrum. I am 39 w is 42. 3 weeks ago received phone bill double in price than usual. On the line with company for 1/2 hour trying to figure out "the mistake". My wife comes into the room, guilty conscience got the best of her, said my name 3 times with the look of concern. I knew I was in for a shock. She told me she had been talking to an old friend from high school on facebook for a while. . She said it was nothing else but emotional since he lives 2 states away. Met him once and kissed him. Ok. Then after more talking the next day she said she had sex with some guy from her gym at a hotel during the day while I was at work. Just once so stated. 3 weeks prior to that I payed $9000 for a breast augmentation, which I said hey don't do it for me, if you will feel better about yourself then ok. Wtf...she has been a stay at home mom for 7 years dealing with a child with special needs, I worked my ass off trying to make ends meet with some $ leftover. Have I been emotionally there, probably not, did we communicate, not like we should have. I have admitted my faults, understand she was in a lonely place and am willing to forgive and work on rekindling. She says she has fallen out of love with me, she wants to stay together for our son but still has feelings for the fb guy. I have been an absolute mess and consumed with this. Is there hope through counseling to get back what we hd

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B1

· #2 · Oct 17, 2012

Yes, there is hope. But it will take lots of work from the both of you. She has had 2 affairs, and as you are learning an EA is a big problem. Her feelings for the FB guy is probably what's driving the "I don't love you anymore"

As long as she is not still on contact with another man then marriage counseling could help. However she may be to far gone?

You need to talk to her, she needs to come clean.there very well could be more. You are getting trickle truthed here.

Sorry to say this but you need to get tested for STD's too.
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Emerald

· #3 · Oct 17, 2012

She's in love with FB dude or thinks she is & you are plan B if he doesn't leave his wife for her.

What "lonely place" was she in that she felt the need for a boob job & multiple affairs?

Look, I am so very sorry about all of this. It is a shock & I hope you can take care of yourself - sleep, eat, see a doctor if you need to.

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workindad

· #4 · Oct 17, 2012

You need to start looking after yourself and I agree with the STD test. Multiple affairs (2 that you know about), physical and emotional plus you just paid for a new rack that is obviously not intended for your enjoyment.

Consider the 180.

Good luck WD

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Bpm2616

Discussion Starter · #5 · Oct 17, 2012

She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly. For her to do this is beyond my imagination, mid life crisis? We haven't been intimate after that and I am trying to get on with my life one way or another now, I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce, I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling, but she says she doen't know every time, even to the marriage counselor. How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her. I have no appetite, can't sleep, I'm a p.o. that needs to have all my senses working properly.

sharkeey

· #6 · Oct 17, 2012

Forgiving her is not an option at this point.

It's sort of like the giraffe telling the lion that he wants to be friends as the Lion is chewing his leg off.

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mrstj4sho88

· #7 · Oct 17, 2012 (Edited)

Bpm2616 said:
I am a male, been married for 9 years, we have an 8 year old son on the autistic spectrum. I am 39 w is 42. 3 weeks ago received phone bill double in price than usual. On the line with company for 1/2 hour trying to figure out "the mistake". My wife comes into the room, guilty conscience got the best of her, said my name 3 times with the look of concern. I knew I was in for a shock. She told me she had been talking to an old friend from high school on facebook for a while. . She said it was nothing else but emotional since he lives 2 states away. Met him once and kissed him. Ok. Then after more talking the next day she said she had sex with some guy from her gym at a hotel during the day while I was at work. Just once so stated. 3 weeks prior to that I payed $9000 for a breast augmentation, which I said hey don't do it for me, if you will feel better about yourself then ok. Wtf...she has been a stay at home mom for 7 years dealing with a child with special needs, I worked my ass off trying to make ends meet with some $ leftover. Have I been emotionally there, probably not, did we communicate, not like we should have. I have admitted my faults, understand she was in a lonely place and am willing to forgive and work on rekindling. She says she has fallen out of love with me, she wants to stay together for our son but still has feelings for the fb guy. I have been an absolute mess and consumed with this. Is there hope through counseling to get back what we hd

It does not sound like she wants to stop with the A. She needs to keep you around for a meal ticket. She wants you to be ok with this arrangement. You tell her hell naw. She is a cheater and a lair who will use you. You can't make her stop she has to want to .

You get tested for Std and Aids asap.

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tom67

· #8 · Oct 17, 2012

Tell her to move out you don't care where except that you will need her address to have her served with d papers later.
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Bpm2616

Discussion Starter · #9 · Oct 17, 2012

She says she has stopped communicating with FB guy, and the gym was a one time thing with protection,,I know,I know....please see my 2nd post.

sharkeey

· #10 · Oct 17, 2012

Even if she isn't communicating with the FB guy and the guy she screwed from the gym was a one shot deal and you can forgive her for it, so what?

It's obvious she no longer wants to be married to you.

Don't leave your fate in her hands. You never know where they've been.

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jameskimp

· #11 · Oct 17, 2012

You want to stay...WHY?

Let's see, she's not in love with you. She used your money to fund surgeries to look good for her boyfriends on the side. And, she's all but telling you that you're her wallet until the man she's in "love" can probably provide for her.

Now she's going to make YOU do the work so the relationship can be rekindled.

Quit being a doormat. You worked your ass off so she could be a SAHM. I wouldn't even fathom reconciliation with all her repeated lies and deceit but if you want to be successful, man up and make her do the work.

Set boundaries, transparency, and heavily consider the prospects of moving on.

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tom67

· #12 · Oct 17, 2012

You have gotten some very sound advice I truly hope you take some action.
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warlock07

· #13 · Oct 17, 2012

Yeah, she is lying...Get access to her all her accounts(facebook and mail) and see if you can get more information about the nature and extent of the affairs...She even got her implants for her lovers. How far off is she if she could do that to you ?

The FB guy and her probably had sex. They are not teenagers. If she has an iphone, you can retrieve all her deleted messages. You might not even have 10% of the total truth. She was lying all this time. Why would you expect her to come completely clean now ?She is just gauging her options now. Also called fence sitting. Kick her out from your side and expose the affair to both sides of the family.

You are the backup guy. Someone she will fall on to once everything else fails. Good luck!!

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Emerald

· #14 · Oct 17, 2012

Bpm2616 said:
She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly. For her to do this is beyond my imagination, mid life crisis? We haven't been intimate after that and I am trying to get on with my life one way or another now, I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce, I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling, but she says she doen't know every time, even to the marriage counselor. How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her. I have no appetite, can't sleep, I'm a p.o. that needs to have all my senses working properly.

This is called limbo land my friend.

We get that you love her & want to forgive her from the title of your post. We are trying to help you & are not emotionally involved like you are.

You have a child. You need to eat, sleep & if necessary go to the doctor.

Stop pushing her to make a decision. Do the 180. Read the CWI forum here - knowlege is power.

B1

· #15 · Oct 17, 2012

Bpm2616 said:
She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly. For her to do this is beyond my imagination, mid life crisis? We haven't been intimate after that and I am trying to get on with my life one way or another now, I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce, I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling, but she says she doen't know every time, even to the marriage counselor. How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her. I have no appetite, can't sleep, I'm a p.o. that needs to have all my senses working properly.

Most BS are shocked about the affair, We NEVER thought they would do this. It's beyond our imagination etc. etc....Yes we get that.
Been there too!

I like what another poster here mentioned, do some more research, have you checked phone records, her email etc.? I have to wonder if there is more to this.

Your going to struggle for a while, it's going to hurt like hell, and it's going to consume every waking moment of you. Especially if you don't have all the answers. Your mind will wonder about everything, the sex, if there were others, the FB guy, etc. If she cares at all she will talk to you, open up and tell you everything.

We could use a little feedback on how she is behaving right now.

A few important questions:

Is she being defensive right now when you ask her questions?
Is she giving you reasons for her affairs?
Is she blaming you for her affairs?

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67flh

· #16 · Oct 17, 2012

like james said"you want to stay?",you're the fall back guy as none of the om's will make a commiment to her, freeze her out,stop paying for the gym,internet,cell phone,once she sees you playing hardball,she will probable make a mad dash for whats in the bank so be careful there.

cpacan

· #17 · Oct 17, 2012

Bpm2616 said:
She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly. For her to do this is beyond my imagination, mid life crisis? We haven't been intimate after that and I am trying to get on with my life one way or another now, I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce, I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling, but she says she doen't know every time, even to the marriage counselor. How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her. I have no appetite, can't sleep, I'm a p.o. that needs to have all my senses working properly.

Sorry you are here, but it's a good place to start given circumstances. Several of the posters in this section has been right there where you are now. Me2. It's one of the most traumatic experiences you can have within a relationship - the betrayal from a close relative.

You were hit by a fastgoing train three weeks ago, which means that you probably are bouncing around between denial and bargain phases of the trauma and healing proces.

First of all; you need to take care of your self. You need to eat, sleep and keep your body fit in order to function properly. Full attention on that. If you can't concentrate on this, see a doctor to get some help.

Second; you need to get out of denial. Let me try to help you here.

Bpm2616 said:
She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly.

No, she is not. She has just proved the opposite to you, no need to contradict that one. She had it inside of her, you just didn't know. She has made conscious choices to flirt and act out with other men. She is a different person than you thought she is. Period. If you just a bit like me, you feel plain stupid to learn that you were deceived. Not your fault - it's on her!

Third; your wife is probably in shock too. Her perfect double life came crashing down over her head. Her head is despereatly trying to juggle all the "what-if's" and minimize the damage. She's in damage control mode. That's why she can't decide for or against anything yet. It would be good for you, if you could gain strength and lead the proces.

You have been deceived and betrayed. You know now that she is capable of doing just that. So don't trust, but verify.

You need to make sure she gets out of her affair fog and have terminated all relationships with other men. Don't trust - verify. In newbie links in this section, you will find info on how to deal with this.

You don't have to decide if you will stay married to her or kick her out just yet. Take your time to get yourself together and think things through. Don't rush your decission. If you are too quick to promise anything, it will hit you in your back later on.

If she at any point resist, you need to have consequences in place. Hold her accountable for her actions.

The marriage you thought you had is over! If you choose to keep her, it will be a totally different relationship. Prepare for that.

Enough for now. Educate yourself on this forum. Post additional info and progress made when you can and feel like it. We will be there to support you.

Hang in there, and remember: Food, sleep and physical activity.

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Kasler

· #18 · Oct 17, 2012 (Edited)

You're plan B right now bpm.

Please, if anything in this thread you listen to, please listen to this next sentence.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER.

No matter what you do you cannot control what she is going to do. Many betrayed spouses think "I have to save my marriage!!!" and try to get their wayward spouses to do what they want them to and it always backfires.

She is in the land of fog, cake, and pink colored grass and tan seas.

You can't be rational with her.

One, you need to take your respect back from her.

this is gonna be blunt, so I apologize in advance but this is what shes telling you.

"I've been talking with a friend and getting emotional with him but hes far away so don't worry about cheating, oh yeah I also fvcked a guy from the gym awhile back. I don't love you, but instead of letting you go so you can find a woman who does, I'd rather use the children as an excuse to stay with you so I can maintain my lifestyle while I have affairs with my boyfriends, at least until I find one with deep pockets. I mean god forbid I actually have to get a job and take care of myself, as long as you're footing the bill(especially for these new 9000$ boobs you bought for my OMs to enjoy), why leave?You're okay with this right?"

If you accept that she WILL NOT respect you. You can't have love without respect. This will make OM seem like more of the man, and you the walking talking meal ticket who pays for plastic surgery and also functions as a doormat to wipe her shoes off of.

You're at the precipice of your marriage. you have two choices, and despite anything you may say, it is simple, it truly is very simple.

Yes or no answer. No sentences, no excuses, yes or no.

Do you want to be a plan B, at least until your wife finds a OM with a good sized bank account?

If your answer is yes, then consign yourself to your reality.

If your answer is no, then it is time for decisive action

by decisive action I mean severe.

The time for counseling, talking things out, bargaining has past.

Also if you were thinking of it, don't get counseling for her. Counseling is 100% WORTHLESS if shes in contact with other men so if you think paying money to sit her in front of a shrink would magically fix everything, you're dead wrong.

Now lets get onto action.

This will help you. This one action will wake your wife up. This will force her to realize just what shes doing and get out of this cake eating limbo(OMs for sex and emotions, you for finances and watching the kids). Its so very simple and so many more BSs would be better off if they just manned up and did.

That action is, KICK HER OUT.

Before you make excuses, before you try to deny it, it is very simple and as easy as saying 4 words. "I want you out."

Tell her she has till the end of tomorrow to be packed up and out. Tell her that you WILL NOT pay for her to have an affair. Don't pay for her to call her boyfriends, remove her from your cell phone plan(shes already running up a big bill), if you have a joint bank account, take half of it and put it in another and forward your future paychecks into the new one.

You may be thinking "Yeah but I don't want to lose my marriage"

I'm sorry to tell you this, but its too late for that bpm, as its already gone, you're just clinging to the broken pieces of it in limbo.

Can a new marriage be made? Yes, but it depends on you and the actions you take RIGHT NOW.

Stop saying "Shes honest, shes a good person, blah blah justification, rationalization, etc"

Shes not, she may have been, but she isn't now.

You have to realize just how selfish and uncaring she is right now. She is a SAHM, yet she spends the hard money YOU bust your ass for to have an affair? Completely intolerable and if you accept this ridiculous and cruel behavior, and don't take decisive action, your new marriage will never be built.

Before reconciliation is even on the table. You need to get her out of affair fog land, make her own up to her decisions, and go NC with OM. Also shes gonna be doing all this OUTSIDE the marital home.

Don't accept crumbs, get the whole bid, and if she doesn't do any of this, then there was no chance for reconciliation from the start.

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Sara8

· #19 · Oct 17, 2012

jameskimp said:
You want to stay...WHY?

Let's see, she's not in love with you. She used your money to fund surgeries to look good for her boyfriends on the side. And, she's all but telling you that you're her wallet until the man she's in "love" can probably provide for her.

Now she's going to make YOU do the work so the relationship can be rekindled.

Quit being a doormat. You worked your ass off so she could be a SAHM. I wouldn't even fathom reconciliation with all her repeated lies and deceit but if you want to be successful, man up and make her do the work.

Set boundaries, transparency, and heavily consider the prospects of moving on.

Sadly, I agree.

This women is a serial cheater. She disrespected you, too, by allowing you to pay for the boob job.

The OW in my STBEH's affair was also a serial cheater. She prior cheated with her husband's best friend and her girlfriend's husband. A true lowlife.

She, too, was getting liposuction and lip augmentation and numerous other weekly spa treatments and salon treatments, so she could attract other men to cheat on her loving faithful spouse who also PAID FOR EVERYTHING.

There are a lot of good women out there who would never do that to you and who would appreciate a loyal husband.

Throw this fish back in the pond. She's not a keeper.

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Acabado

· #20 · Oct 17, 2012

Scapism, MLC, whatever... Nothing excuse bad behavior. IT's not out of character, this is how she is now.
You have to make your demands.
NC letter (With your aproval) to FB guy plus Gym guy.
Complete transparence of comunication devices and acountability of whereabouts.
Full disclosure to your satisfaction.
I'd demand also IC with a pro marriage counselor. Huge risk, she would try to use it to shift the blame, rewrite the marriage and excuse her behavior along with her "I want out" new attitude.

On the other hand you need to embrace the trust but verify policy. Her ILYBINILWY, wishy washy, fencesitting mindset is pretty consistent with a false R/gone underground. So keylog the PC, spyware on the phone, GPS, VARs, whetever you need to be sure she's not making a fool of you while pretending she's "trying", stringing you along and milking your wallet.

BTW, don't pay the boob job. No way. Your marriage is hanging by a thread. Being you the breadwinner and her the SAHM/main caregiver to your son is basically a garantee you will be screwed up in the divorce (financialy and custody wise). You need that money. Don't reward her. Don't back off on this.

Talk to a lawyer, find wher you stand, think about all scenarios. Prepare for the worse.

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