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Update:

Phew, just caught up on this thread. I wanted to talk to my son this morning but he was late for work.

I am going to talk to him but I want to "write" it out here first and pass it by the best at life's problems, people at TAM !!! :smile2:

After work he wants to talk to her Mom as she is being a control freak and rude. This may seem infantile but here is what is going on.

We had "Save the Date" cards printed. She (bride's mom) insisted that she write them out and mail them. My cousin is a third generation printer, the old-fashioned kind, who using the printing presses. His work is gorgeous.

We discovered that she held 4 cards back from her family and sent them to 4 friends. She didn't tell anyone. So, we find out 8 more people were invited. My son was not thrilled about her "shady" behavior.

Also, he found out other sneaky things (financial) that she did. He does not like his future MIL.

When my son and his fiancee when to see my cousin to select the wedding invites, he asked, where do you want the response cards mailed? My son said, to MY mom. The fiancee knew this and did NOT object.

Last weekend she found out they were not going to HER home but to my home and went nuts. She started sending me nasty E-mails yesterday and accusing me of pulling this stunt.

I explained to her that I had NOTHING to do with it, that my son and her daughter went to the printers alone.

Long story short, the fiancee blames my cousin that he made a "mistake with his printing" and that "he should have known the response cards always go to the bride's home."

She did NOT stand up to her mom and admit that she knew from the get-go they were coming to MY home.

(Just a FYI: My cousin has been doing this for 40 years and he told me the reception response cards can go anywhere: the bride, the groom, to a PO Box, the bride's parents, the groom's parents and even sent to the wedding planner. He no longer assumes the bride's parents get them.)

The mom contacts my cousin and tells him to reprint all the envelopes and put HER address on them.

Yesterday was WWIII in E-mails between her mom and me.

This evening my son to going to her parent's home to take care of this. He implied that "the envelopes will probably have to be reprinted."

Do I:

A. Sit back and wait and see if his balls are bigger than his dad's and stand up to the fiancee and her mom? See if he has my back?

B. Get him off the hook and send him an E-mail and tell him to let the control-freak-alcoholic get them at her home.


Then the bride says a few weeks ago, right in my kitchen, "I don't care about the wedding cake", let my son decide. So, he and I select a cake, I contact the bakery and a few days ago she says that "she didn't think I was going to place the order."

This fiancee is a back-stabber.

(BTW: Is Blossom Leigh correct, is she a blame shifter?)

I can go on with my examples but I think you get the point.

I see a fiancee who can't stand up to her mom and throws her future mother-in-law (VH) under the bus. I see a lack of character. A manipulator.

Please let me know what you think and this response card conundrum.

Later, I will write my sample letter to my son for your review.

Thanks ~

VH

I hate to say this but your son is about to be in a world of hurt. He has a shady soon to be wife and a seemingly bad set of in-laws. The fact that he doesn't like her mother only makes the situation worse and you having WWIII with her only adds fuel to the fire. Your son seems hell bent on marrying this girl even though it's going to cause him a lot of pain. If I were you I would have one last talk with him and say "Look, this is your life and I'm no longer going to be involved in telling you what you should and should not do with it. You have to make your own mistakes and deal with them because that's what a man does. I'm your mother and the only thing I can promise you is that I'll be there for you when things spiral out of control." Bottom line, I know he's your son but you are going to drive yourself insane dealing with all of this. Sometimes you have to let them go.
 

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I would de-escalate the situation by stepping away while putting the emphasis on three areas.

1. The daughter knew
2. The mothers rough approach and false accusations are not ok.

3. They can all do what they want but you do not accept the lack of character in the daughter or mother. I would be very direct with the daughter that her choice to lie by ommission has cost her trust with you that will need to be repaired going forward.

Non apologetic.
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Discussion Starter · #365 ·
We mean that you should not be worried about response cards when the message to your SON is not to get married.
But he is going to her mom's out TONIGHT.

I will NOT get a chance to talk to him until Saturday.

I still have to assume the wedding is on.

Do I get him off the hook and decrease his stress or see what happens?
 

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Discussion Starter · #366 ·
I would de-escalate the situation by stepping away while putting the emphasis on three areas.

1. The daughter knew
2. The mothers rough approach and false accusations are not ok.

3. They can all do what they want but you do not accept the lack of character in the daughter or mother. I would be very direct with the daughter that her choice to lie by ommission has cost her trust with you that will need to be repaired going forward.

Non apologetic.
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Thanks BL BUT I have to make a decision soon.
Should I tell my son, don't make a fuss tonight, just let her frigging mother get the response cards OR do I see what happens?
 

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Hey, This girl wants a wedding, NOT A MARRIAGE.

I used to watch weddings, the ones where the couple focus more on the intimacy of their moment and are sensitive to the others needs are the most touching and the most beautiful. All this money, and drama and irriatation over trivial matters shows that her and her mother are only focused on COMPLETE AND UTTER CONTROL OF THE PARTY. but they fail to see the marriage that lies AFTER, and with all the cheating, and spending and shallow nutty behavior they WILL NOT SURVIVE THE YEAR.

Yes, people may look at you as controlling, but i really hope you gain the courage to tell your son to get out as fast as he can.
 

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Thanks BL BUT I have to make a decision soon.
Should I tell my son, don't make a fuss tonight, just let her frigging mother get the response cards OR do I see what happens?
I would tell him to not make a decision about it tonight for him to pause, take a breather and gain some space. I would invite him over for good food and when the conversation naturally starts up by him, offer your thoughts from the letter. No fuel needs to be given to this current issue. I would redirect him to the larger picture WITHOUT intent of manipulation, but of sharing wisdom with your son.
 

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But he is going to her mom's out TONIGHT.

I will NOT get a chance to talk to him until Saturday.

I still have to assume the wedding is on.

Do I get him off the hook and decrease his stress or see what happens?
What's the reason for the visit? Can you steal some time prior to?
 

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Again keep it simple tell him in my opinion I do NOT think you should marry her, but it's your call.
Regarding your d with the ex, please set that to the side and for just a brief moment you two get together on a united front and both of you tell him this wedding is a mistake.
That's what I would do with my ex regarding our daughter.
Just a thought.
 

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Discussion Starter · #371 ·
What's the reason for the visit? Can you steal some time prior to?
My son and her daughter told the printer that the weddind rsvp response cards will be mailed to my house.

The mother is sneaky and shady and i would say an alcoholic and mom son has had enough of her crap.

She called the printer and told him to reprint all the envelopes with her address.

It would be nice if her daughter would say, mom, they are going to vh's home that is what we agreed.
But will she?
Will she back her future husband?
 

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Discussion Starter · #372 ·
Again keep it simple tell him in my opinion I do NOT think you should marry her, but it's your call.
Regarding your d with the ex, please set that to the side and for just a brief moment you two get together on a united front and both of you tell him this wedding is a mistake.
That's what I would do with my ex regarding our daughter.
Just a thought.
Tom
We have spoken and we are united on supporting our son.
Our son knows that we will support him and that we both love him.
VH
 

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My son and her daughter told the printer that the weddind rsvp response cards will be mailed to my house.

The mother is sneaky and shady and i would say an alcoholic and mom son has had enough of her crap.

She called the printer and told him to reprint all the envelopes with her address.

It would be nice if her daughter would say, mom, they are going to vh's home that is what we agreed.
But will she?
Will she back her future husband?
If MIL wants to have the cards reprinted AT HER EXPENSE to change the address, let it go. It really is immaterial since the marriage is hopefully not going to happen anyway. That will buy time for SON to decompress and for you to talk to him. You do not need to win this battle (cards) but you need to win the war (no wedding).
 

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Discussion Starter · #374 ·
Hey, This girl wants a wedding, NOT A MARRIAGE.

I used to watch weddings, the ones where the couple focus more on the intimacy of their moment and are sensitive to the others needs are the most touching and the most beautiful. All this money, and drama and irriatation over trivial matters shows that her and her mother are only focused on COMPLETE AND UTTER CONTROL OF THE PARTY. but they fail to see the marriage that lies AFTER, and with all the cheating, and spending and shallow nutty behavior they WILL NOT SURVIVE THE YEAR.

Yes, people may look at you as controlling, but i really hope you gain the courage to tell your son to get out as fast as he can.
I agree. I dont think she gives a **** about him.
Get this. Her parents are paying 30 pct and we are paying 70 pct
 

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If she stands up to her at this point I will be shocked.
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What ever happened to the tradition the family of the bride paid for the wedding? Not saying its fair but that was the tradition in my house. my parents not only were paying for my college but i had 10 grand to (blow) on a wedding. My wedding was a run away train. I wanted small and intimate....but my husbands family wanted big. They pressured for a bigger wedding, on my/my parents bill. My husband an i wanted most of the money to go on a down payment to a car or house...etc.

My wedding was 6grand and beautiful...over the top for my vision, but i was more focused on the relationship...which is not without its problems now. But back then we were DEEPLY in love.

how were you guys roped into 70%? Seems so wrong.
 

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SON is still interviewing. He sees a lot about this job he likes, but A LOT that says the job is just not a good thing for him. Someone else may be a better fit for that job. The job is not necessarily bad. Just not for him. If he accepts and STARTS the job, he will find that he is not happy and wishes he took another job. But he will find getting another job hard work (emotionally) so he will stay and eventually be miserable in his job.

He is asking: "Mom, should I take this job?"
If we use the job analogy,he already passed the interview, he is on probationary status and is about to sign the contract. If you are going to therapy and now have escalated to taking pills, this is not the position for you. This is a bad job.
 

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So are you going to tell your son that you think this girl, who has CHEATED on him, and has a spending problem, is a very bad girl to marry yet?
Or are you just going to let him ruin his life?

And by the way, again, might I suggest he get a prenup?
He can have written into it that they keep separate finances, and then actually keep separate finances (or I hope enjoys paying for shopping sprees) and something like, no alimony, or maybe, no alimony is someone cheats?

Although...this late in the process, any prenup he puts forth will be met with hostility, and could be thrown out in court due to it being signed under duress...

Actually, yea, he is going to ruin his life.
Should be fun to watch.
 
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