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I'm wondering what the OP uncovered. When he wrote about the emotional affair with her boss, the first thought I had was that bosses don't tend to have "emotional" affairs. They tend to have "physical" affairs.
She told him the first affair wasn't sexual. She also insisted the emails to the current OM weren't sexual not knowing he'd read them. They clearly were :-/
 

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I can relate to your situation because I recently learned my wife was secretly planning a weekend getaway to another city with her boyfriend. Just like you I was spying on her and I would ask her questions and pretend I did not know what she was planning. Like your wife she is intelligent and successful -- a university professor. I can understand the anxiety you must be feeling. When I Iearned she was seeing him I felt some panic and persistent anxiety. There were nights when I could hardly sleep.

My wife and I are compatible on many levels. We are both attracted to each other and the sex is good. Our kids love the home we made for them and there usually lots of their friends running around the house having fun or swimming in the pool. We even host many dinner parties. If I leave her I would need to break up a happy home for our kids. I think her problem is that she feels too constrained and that she can't get all the emotional fulfillment she wants from me. She is a sensory seeker and there is probably no single person who would be enough and it could be that monogamy is not her thing.

For many years she wanted to open up the marriage and one day I finally gave in at the midst of a joint therapy session. I am still trying to make peace with that decision but she seems happier than ever with our marriage and we hardly ever fight. Sometimes I think I can't do this and I should get divorced and other times I think if I had my own "hinge" girlfriend it may not be so bad. I still need to sort this out.

Would you judge her intention was to keep things within the boundaries of an "emotional affair" (chat, fantasy) as she has claimed? Or would you say that the intention was there from the start to cross over into more intimate interactions (sexting, photos, etc.), or even end up with a full-on physical affair?
To answer your question I think any person's will can be broken with enough time and pressure. Unless you threaten to leave her she will eventually have sex with him. All it takes is a few glasses of wine on a nice evening. At that point you will need to figure out if there are enough areas of your relationship where you work well that make it worth saving. Many couples function well with 80% of the things that are important and for the remaining 20% they are desperately seeking. If she wants to see someone else maybe you should too?
 

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I can relate to your situation because I recently learned my wife was secretly planning a weekend getaway to another city with her boyfriend. Just like you I was spying on her and I would ask her questions and pretend I did not know what she was planning. Like your wife she is intelligent and successful -- a university professor. I can understand the anxiety you must be feeling. When I Iearned she was seeing him I felt some panic and persistent anxiety. There were nights when I could hardly sleep.

My wife and I are compatible on many levels. We are both attracted to each other and the sex is good. Our kids love the home we made for them and there usually lots of their friends running around the house having fun or swimming in the pool. We even host many dinner parties. If I leave her I would need to break up a happy home for our kids. I think her problem is that she feels too constrained and that she can't get all the emotional fulfillment she wants from me. She is a sensory seeker and there is probably no single person who would be enough and it could be that monogamy is not her thing.

For many years she wanted to open up the marriage and one day I finally gave in at the midst of a joint therapy session. I am still trying to make peace with that decision but she seems happier than ever with our marriage and we hardly ever fight. Sometimes I think I can't do this and I should get divorced and other times I think if I had my own "hinge" girlfriend it may not be so bad. I still need to sort this out.



To answer your question I think any person's will can be broken with enough time and pressure. Unless you threaten to leave her she will eventually have sex with him. All it takes is a few glasses of wine on a nice evening. At that point you will need to figure out if there are enough areas of your relationship where you work well that make it worth saving. Many couples function well with 80% of the things that are important and for the remaining 20% they are desperately seeking. If she wants to see someone else maybe you should too?
Your story is so ****ed up.

You should have divorced your cheating wife instead of tucking your tail between your legs. Talk about staying married at all cost. Let me guess, you haven’t had anyone else after you were forced to open the marriage. She actually called your marriage a loveless one. She keeps you around so she can go on dates and you watch the kids.
 

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I can relate to your situation because I recently learned my wife was secretly planning a weekend getaway to another city with her boyfriend. Just like you I was spying on her and I would ask her questions and pretend I did not know what she was planning. Like your wife she is intelligent and successful -- a university professor. I can understand the anxiety you must be feeling. When I Iearned she was seeing him I felt some panic and persistent anxiety. There were nights when I could hardly sleep.

My wife and I are compatible on many levels. We are both attracted to each other and the sex is good. Our kids love the home we made for them and there usually lots of their friends running around the house having fun or swimming in the pool. We even host many dinner parties. If I leave her I would need to break up a happy home for our kids. I think her problem is that she feels too constrained and that she can't get all the emotional fulfillment she wants from me. She is a sensory seeker and there is probably no single person who would be enough and it could be that monogamy is not her thing.

For many years she wanted to open up the marriage and one day I finally gave in at the midst of a joint therapy session. I am still trying to make peace with that decision but she seems happier than ever with our marriage and we hardly ever fight. Sometimes I think I can't do this and I should get divorced and other times I think if I had my own "hinge" girlfriend it may not be so bad. I still need to sort this out.



To answer your question I think any person's will can be broken with enough time and pressure. Unless you threaten to leave her she will eventually have sex with him. All it takes is a few glasses of wine on a nice evening. At that point you will need to figure out if there are enough areas of your relationship where you work well that make it worth saving. Many couples function well with 80% of the things that are important and for the remaining 20% they are desperately seeking. If she wants to see someone else maybe you should too?

If you were stupid enough to open the marriage on her side you better also be on your side a well...and I would date one of her friends that will close close her side fast.
 

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I can relate to your situation because I recently learned my wife was secretly planning a weekend getaway to another city with her boyfriend. Just like you I was spying on her and I would ask her questions and pretend I did not know what she was planning. Like your wife she is intelligent and successful -- a university professor. I can understand the anxiety you must be feeling. When I Iearned she was seeing him I felt some panic and persistent anxiety. There were nights when I could hardly sleep.

My wife and I are compatible on many levels. We are both attracted to each other and the sex is good. Our kids love the home we made for them and there usually lots of their friends running around the house having fun or swimming in the pool. We even host many dinner parties. If I leave her I would need to break up a happy home for our kids. I think her problem is that she feels too constrained and that she can't get all the emotional fulfillment she wants from me. She is a sensory seeker and there is probably no single person who would be enough and it could be that monogamy is not her thing.

For many years she wanted to open up the marriage and one day I finally gave in at the midst of a joint therapy session. I am still trying to make peace with that decision but she seems happier than ever with our marriage and we hardly ever fight. Sometimes I think I can't do this and I should get divorced and other times I think if I had my own "hinge" girlfriend it may not be so bad. I still need to sort this out.



To answer your question I think any person's will can be broken with enough time and pressure. Unless you threaten to leave her she will eventually have sex with him. All it takes is a few glasses of wine on a nice evening. At that point you will need to figure out if there are enough areas of your relationship where you work well that make it worth saving. Many couples function well with 80% of the things that are important and for the remaining 20% they are desperately seeking. If she wants to see someone else maybe you should too?
I'm sorry, but you are the best doormat in the world.
 

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To the OP, from my experience if they're aware you track an email account or a device they can just change communication methods. My now ex-wife of more than 10 years met a guy playing computer games. They've now been married about 10 years and had two more kids. I thought she was happy in the marriage - she definitely told me and everyone else she was. I hope your outcome is better than mine.
 

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Look up the statistics. It's hard to get an accurate number, but online cheating and emotional affairs are staggeringly common. It is a line most of us will cross at some point in our lives, and it would be hypocritical to think "I would never do that".
Moving into sexual territory is another matter however, and actually getting physical is yet another step down the line. Each is harder to forgive and overcome.
Defend, explain, excuse, rationalize
 

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So I should ditch her so she doesn't ditch me? That's kinda funny.
You've said your peace and I appreciate your honesty.

I'll work on solving this my own way.
This being funny to you may be why you aren't opening your eyes and taking action.

Just flash back to this when she jumps ship.
Edited to add: with all your valuables.
 

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Your wife is cheating and you're rationalizing everything she says and everything you say to justify her affairs and your hope to have a workable marriage.

You're asking advice but not really wanting to hear the hard truth. You love the idea of the wife you want but your wife is not that person. Depression/Mental issues are not an excuse to engage in an affair. Adults don't have emotional affairs that don't turn physical. I agree with others that you are being played by your wife.
You also appear to be the one doing all the heavy lifting in he emotional aspects in your marriage. You can't work on any of this by yourself and your wife doesn't seem interested in working on things. She seems to be telling you what you want to hear and she knows what to say to make you feel temporarily reassured.
 

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Your story is so ****ed up.

You should have divorced your cheating wife instead of tucking your tail between your legs. Talk about staying married at all cost. Let me guess, you haven’t had anyone else after you were forced to open the marriage. She actually called your marriage a loveless one. She keeps you around so she can go on dates and you watch the kids.
Beyond ****ed up.
 

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If you were stupid enough to open the marriage on her side you better also be on your side a well...and I would date one of her friends that will close close her side fast.
One of her friends seems to be into me and I might ask her out. My wife insists that she will support what I do as long as I am safe about it.
 

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One of her friends seems to be into me and I might ask her out. My wife insists that she will support what I do as long as I am safe about it.

Open marriages or different sexual pursuits are okay, but it's pointless for someone who has accepted an open marriage forcibly to defend it.

your marriage is not healthy, you are just someone who is afraid of losing the house and financial resources.

This is something I will not respect you about.
 

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One of her friends seems to be into me and I might ask her out. My wife insists that she will support what I do as long as I am safe about it.

Open marriages or different sexual pursuits are okay, but it's pointless for someone who has accepted an open marriage forcibly to defend it.

your marriage is not healthy, you are just someone who is afraid of losing the house and financial resources.

This is something I will not respect you about.
What you wrote is relevant and helpful, until you say you don’t respect someone for this or that

We see a lot of lack of respect for people here on TAM; I’m not sure what that accomplishes in terms of helping that person, or someone in a similar situation. Once judgment is pronounced, why should the not-respected person continue the conversation?

Better to try and understand someone else’s goals, or help them come up with some, and then, within that person’s personality, figure out how to get there.

Not saying there aren’t opinions and actions that don’t merit condemnation. Just not seeing it here.
 

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What you wrote is relevant and helpful, until you say you don’t respect someone for this or that

We see a lot of lack of respect for people here on TAM; I’m not sure what that accomplishes in terms of helping that person, or someone in a similar situation. Once judgment is pronounced, why should the not-respected person continue the conversation?

Better to try and understand someone else’s goals, or help them come up with some, and then, within that person’s personality, figure out how to get there.

Kınamayı hak etmeyen görüşler ve eylemler olmadığını söylemiyorum. Sadece burada görmüyorum.

The purpose of my words is not to offend anyone, but you are right, I must admit that I exceeded the limits of respect on the issues shared here.


I apologize for my oversight.
 
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