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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I needed a place to go to for hope. 4 months ago my husband of 8 1/2 years, 11 years together told me he isn’t in love with me anymore and hasn’t been happy for a while and wants a divorce. No discussion to be had because his mind was made up. I was completely blind sighted since he has never tried to communicate any of these feelings to me let alone mention divorce before. To make matters worse, and this is going to sound terrible, he brought this up 2 months after i got diagnosed with breast cancer (stage 1) -only making my heartbreak more profound. He promised to still be there for me throughout everything health related and for our son (we have 1 child, 9 yrs old) and he has been.

Backstory: We have had our share of ups and downs throughout the years as all long term relationships do and I have caught him a few times texting female coworkers flirting inappropriately (nothing physical from what I know). When caught he would apologize profusely and promise me that he wouldn’t do it again. After the last time I told him I couldn’t keep forgiving him and if it happened again we would be over. He said he did it bc he was insecure and thought it would be fun to “flirt” but didn’t want to lose me. Of course this led me to have trust issues which then made me resentful with hot and cold behavior that affected the intimacy in our relationship (our marriage wasn’t sexless but it wasn’t as frequent as I know it could’ve been). When he brought the news of separation to me he said that although he understood my resentment was based off his actions it unfortunately led him to resent me back. When I asked why he never said anything to me about how he felt he said it was because I was “unapproachable”.

I am devastated. I tried everything to get him to reconsider and he said that “he tried to fall back in love with me” but it didn’t work and he kept resenting me more and doesn’t want us to hate each other. He thinks nothing will change but how can you try without telling your partner? If you were unhappy with something and I didn’t know then of course your attempt to try by yourself wasn’t going to work. I just don’t understand. I know I’m painting an ugly picture of him. He really is a good man, a great father and comes from a good family but maybe there is something I am not seeing? I feel so hopeless going through this diagnosis during a pandemic and a separation (he’s in no rush to file and said we can wait until I’m done with all of this). I keep asking myself if I could’ve done something different or if I brought this out of him. I’d appreciate any advice as I have never felt so helpless and unlovable in my life. I don’t know if we will reconcile or not but I don’t know how to keep strong :(
 

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Hi CK, has he actually left you and the child? Where is he living?
His behaviour as a married man is clearly wrong and you were right to be strong about it. Texting and flirting with other women is immature and dangerous but he clearly just doesn't want to stop it.
To tell you he is leaving so soon after your diagnosis was cruel, he could have at least waited a few months or given the marriage a chance with marriage counselling.
With past behaviour it may well be that there is someone else involved sadly, hense the wanting to leave and not wanting to try and work on things. People who cheat always make out they have been unhappy for ages etc etc etc.Can you do some investigating? I am wondering if hiring a PI may help to find out for sure?
Oh and BTW you are NOT unloveable, the problem is with him entirely. I hope you have family and friends who can help support you at this time.
 

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He is doing what is known as re-writing your marital history. "I was unhappy for years", "you never listened", " you never did...." type of stuff.
I hate to say this, but he has probably found someone else who has caught his interest.
 

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When he brought the news of separation to me he said that although he understood my resentment was based off his actions it unfortunately led him to resent me back.
He is not remorseful and you can expect more of the same behavior if you stay with him. He doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. He doesn't have a clue how his behavior has affected you and he doesn't really care. He isn't insecure - he's entitled. Let him go.
 

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I have caught him a few times texting female coworkers flirting inappropriately (nothing physical from what I know). When caught he would apologize profusely and promise me that he wouldn’t do it again. After the last time I told him I couldn’t keep forgiving him and if it happened again we would be over.
I know I’m painting an ugly picture of him. He really is a good man, a great father and comes from a good family but maybe there is something I am not seeing?
Nothing you said indicates a good man. A man good at pretending to be a good man, maybe, but not an actual good man. Actual good men don't secretly text and flirt with other women when married. Actual good men don't continue flirting and texting after their spouse has made it clear that the behavior is hurtful and unacceptable.


he brought this up 2 months after i got diagnosed with breast cancer (stage 1)
Yeah, real good man there. Good men don't abandon their wives while they face a deadly disease.

$5 says he physically cheated at least once. $10 says he's got someone picked out or already in the bag.
 

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I know I’m painting an ugly picture of him. He really is a good man, a great father and comes from a good family but maybe there is something I am not seeing?
You are not painting an ugly picture of him, he's just an ugly person. He's cheated on you multiple times and has the gall to say that YOUR reaction to that has killed the relationship? He's a scumbag, not a nice man. And he's abandoning you at a time when you most need him.

I'm sorry...I know how it feels when we want our image of someone to be true, but it just isn't. Go back and read your post again and pretend you've never heard the story and that they are strangers you're reading about. Still think he's a good man? Because believe me, he isn't.

I think your best bet is to see a lawyer and protect yourself now. hugs
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hi Diana, thanks for replying. He is currently living in the basement of his parents house, who live in the same town as us. Ironically at the start of this pandemic I asked him to do that since he is an essential worker and I did not want him coming home exposing our son and myself since we were both working and homeschooling remotely. He was reluctant but he did it. This is one of the factors that supposedly led him to start thinking about how “unhappy” he was since he had a few months by himself to think. Because I knew he was alone for those months and the history of the texting other women in the past, I did bring up multiple times that I hoped he was “behaving” and if he wasn’t I wanted him to be honest with me and I would accept if he wanted out but he denied all of it saying he wasn’t doing anything behind my back. When he dropped the bomb on me I asked him about marriage counseling and he is against it. He said he wasn’t going to change his mind. He has been there for me through everything in my health journey, appointments, staying on the weekends to tend to me and our son if I’m not feeling well, etc. I guess this is what makes it difficult. I have family and friends but unfortunately they are not close by and unable to physically be there for me, so I only have him. His family and I are incredibly close and they have been very helpful too BUT we have not told them. They think he is still living with them bc of the pandemic and wanting to keep me as least exposed as possible. Maybe they have their suspicions but they don’t know for sure. It was my idea to not tell them right now because emotionally I couldn’t handle it. I know they will not be happy with his decision.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
He is doing what is known as re-writing your marital history. "I was unhappy for years", "you never listened", " you never did...." type of stuff.
I hate to say this, but he has probably found someone else who has caught his interest.
Hi JLG07, you are right. Every reason he has given me has sounded fabricated or untrue. Telling me we aren’t compatible as he once thought, that we don’t bring out the best in each other, that we “rushed” into things. That I wasn’t approachable to talk to. That I yelled at him, etc etc. Nothing that makes sense coming out now after 11 years. I’m sure he has found someone else that’s caught his interest. But that seems to have been the case multiple times in the past and naturally has me questioning if this is just who he is or he is with me :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
He is not remorseful and you can expect more of the same behavior if you stay with him. He doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. He doesn't have a clue how his behavior has affected you and he doesn't really care. He isn't insecure - he's entitled. Let him go.
Hi Blondilocks, you are right. Nothing he has shown me has been any accountability for his actions and he clearly has no clue how hurtful any of it is or has been. This behavior above all has taken me by surprise bc I never thought he would drop this bomb on me during this time without even a discussion. I guess I felt he is insecure bc what kind of man is passive for all these years and doesn’t tell their wife their needs if they aren’t being met? Or that they have certain feelings about something that has them wanting to leave the marriage?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Nothing you said indicates a good man. A man good at pretending to be a good man, maybe, but not an actual good man. Actual good men don't secretly text and flirt with other women when married. Actual good men don't continue flirting and texting after their spouse has made it clear that the behavior is hurtful and unacceptable.




Yeah, real good man there. Good men don't abandon their wives while they face a deadly disease.

$5 says he physically cheated at least once. $10 says he's got someone picked out or already in the bag.
Hi MJJEAN thanks for your reply. I appreciate the candidness. I guess I have a hard time separating the guy who has done those things and the guy that is still there for me throughout my health journey. In an aspect you are right and as a husband he did leave me by asking for a divorce but bc he is still there for me it makes it difficult to completely think of him as “not a good guy”. You are right in that he may have done more than texting in the past, I will not know this for sure. And as far as him having someone else, I’m sure his eyes were on someone when he dropped this bomb on me. I’m not sure if that led to anything since I just recently found out he signed up for some dating website. But the obvious is that he wanted the freedom to talk to and fool around with whoever he wants while I sit here picking up the pieces thinking I wasn’t good enough and he is going to be the great guy I thought he was with the next woman :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You are not painting an ugly picture of him, he's just an ugly person. He's cheated on you multiple times and has the gall to say that YOUR reaction to that has killed the relationship? He's a scumbag, not a nice man. And he's abandoning you at a time when you most need him.

I'm sorry...I know how it feels when we want our image of someone to be true, but it just isn't. Go back and read your post again and pretend you've never heard the story and that they are strangers you're reading about. Still think he's a good man? Because believe me, he isn't.

I think your best bet is to see a lawyer and protect yourself now. hugs
Hi notmyjamie, thank you for your reply. I felt that way too, how my reactions were being held against me and led him to leave me. I honestly shouldn’t have tried to keep going but I did bc I believed he was better than that and couldn’t see the guy who could do that, the guy who didn’t know how to communicate and try harder. Trust me when I think about it objectively I would be giving the same advice everyone here has but being vulnerable in my situation has led me to feel insecure and blame myself thinking that I somehow provoked this behavior over the years bc I just wasn’t the woman he wanted to be a better man for. Thank you, hugs back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
He’s finally shown you who he really is. It’s time to let him go.
Hi Openminded, I have asked myself that very same question every day for the past 4 months since our separation. Is this who he really was or who he became as a result of not getting his needs met from my resentment? :-/
 

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I agree that the guy has been looking for your replacement for a long time, BUT.....

you kicked your own husband out of the house to live in his parents basement???

that is 100% on you, and I wouldn’t feel very valued as a husband either. In fact, I believe he has indeed been thinking about his value for 4 months of not having a wife. You basically created a separation and now you don’t like the results. What were you thinking? This virus rarely if ever kills kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I agree that the guy has been looking for your replacement for a long time, BUT.....

you kicked your own husband out of the house to live in his parents basement???

that is 100% on you, and I wouldn’t feel very valued as a husband either. In fact, I believe he has indeed been thinking about his value for 4 months of not having a wife. You basically created a separation and now you don’t like the results. What were you thinking? This virus rarely if ever kills kids.
Hi Evinrude, you’re right. I did unintentionally create this separation because I wasn’t thinking at the time and was paranoid about the virus as a lot of people were at the time. I acknowledge it was selfish of me to ask him to do that and I would change it if I could, but in no way do I think I deserved the end result. I also don’t think it provoked him to end an 11 year relationship either all because of it. I am not a perfect person but I have always been loyal and honest. His history of flirting, lying and not communicating in my opinion only made him realize how much he liked the freedom to not get caught without me around. That is not on me but I do respect your opinion since I did put my story out there.
 

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Hi Evinrude, you’re right. I did unintentionally create this separation because I wasn’t thinking at the time and was paranoid about the virus as a lot of people were at the time. I acknowledge it was selfish of me to ask him to do that and I would change it if I could, but in no way do I think I deserved the end result. I also don’t think it provoked him to end an 11 year relationship either all because of it. I am not a perfect person but I have always been loyal and honest. His history of flirting, lying and not communicating in my opinion only made him realize how much he liked the freedom to not get caught without me around. That is not on me but I do respect your opinion since I did put my story out there.
you kicked your own husband out of the house to live in his parents basement???

that is 100% on you, and I wouldn’t feel very valued as a husband either
Nope I don't buy this. A guy who can't keep it in his pants (even "virtually") for 4 months, naw that is pure BS.
It's not like you kicked him out because you wanted a separation, you wanted him gone because you were tired of him. You were trying to be protective of your kid and yourself due to this VERY unusual year. If he loved you the way he should have, it wouldn't have mattered. Look I am NOT saying the guy is 100% bad or evil -- yes he stood by you as he should have with your health issues. BUT he SHOULD have been bringing up any unhappiness or issues he had with your relationship, NOT just flow along until he was "done".
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Nope I don't buy this. A guy who can't keep it in his pants (even "virtually") for 4 months, naw that is pure BS.
It's not like you kicked him out because you wanted a separation, you wanted him gone because you were tired of him. You were trying to be protective of your kid and yourself due to this VERY unusual year. If he loved you the way he should have, it wouldn't have mattered. Look I am NOT saying the guy is 100% bad or evil -- yes he stood by you as he should have with your health issues. BUT he SHOULD have been bringing up any unhappiness or issues he had with your relationship, NOT just flow along until he was "done".
Thank you JLG07, that is my sentiment exactly. I wish I didn’t ask him to leave at the time and I didn’t do it bc I didn’t value him but it was with that thought in mind that I wanted to protect myself and our son from a deadly virus that no one knew much about at the time and even though he didn’t want to leave either he did understand that and I have never asked him to leave or anything like that in all of our years together. He is not a bad guy and that’s why I keep making that clear bc he does have great qualities and that’s what makes this bad behavior I speak of hurt so bad. All I wanted was for him to communicate and be honest with me as I feel any person in a relationship let alone a long term marriage should. No one is a mind reader. I can’t take responsibility for the passiveness as much as he wants to try and make up excuses as to why he said nothing. It hurts bc I love him and value our family and am not the type of person to just throw in the towel knowing we didn’t do everything together to salvage the marriage which is why I’m having a hard time accepting how he could come to this decision alone.
 

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I have caught him a few times texting female coworkers flirting inappropriately (nothing physical from what I know). When caught he would apologize profusely and promise me that he wouldn’t do it again. After the last time I told him I couldn’t keep forgiving him and if it happened again we would be over. He said he did it bc he was insecure and thought it would be fun to “flirt” but didn’t want to lose me.
Sounds like his profuse apologies were geared towards pacifying you but not changing his behavior. I call total b.s. on his flimsy excuse that he wanted to play text slap-and-tickle with other women because he's "insecure."

Look, I realize you are hurting, but your husband behaved like a sleaze ball. You put up a boundary, he crossed it, so you are enforcing it. End of story. In time, I genuinely think you will be able to get over him and see how poorly he treated you. And I wouldn't buy into the garbage that he didn't want to lose you. He wanted to conduct online affairs and keep you around as his security blanket. It's called being a cake eater. He may be a great father, but from where I'm sitting he sounds like a reprehensible sack of skin.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Sounds like his profuse apologies were geared towards pacifying you but not changing his behavior. I call total b.s. on his flimsy excuse that he wanted to play text slap-and-tickle with other women because he's "insecure."

Look, I realize you are hurting, but your husband behaved like a sleaze ball. You put up a boundary, he crossed it, so you are enforcing it. End of story. In time, I genuinely think you will be able to get over him and see how poorly he treated you. And I wouldn't buy into the garbage that he didn't want to lose you. He wanted to conduct online affairs and keep you around as his security blanket. It's called being a cake eater. He may be a great father, but from where I'm sitting he sounds like a reprehensible sack of skin.
Hi Prodigal, thank you for replying. I don’t buy the excuse either of him being insecure although I do have to wonder what kind of man does these things repeatedly and also has issues communicating and being honest. What gets me is that I gave him a window of opportunity after being caught. I told him there had to be some underlying reason he was behaving this way and if he had issues with me or wasn’t in love with me anymore to be honest and we can get a divorce and be amicable about it but to not go about it this way by cheating bc it also sets a bad example for his son who looks up to him. And he SWORE up and down begging and pleading that he was in love with me and didn’t want to lose me and to forgive him. And then it happened again and that was when I said I couldn’t keep forgiving him for the same things and this would be the last time. To be honest even weeks before he dropped the d-bomb on me I asked him again if we were okay and I apologized for how crappy of a year this has been for our relationship between my diagnosis and the pandemic and he said we were fine and will get through it. I am hurting and maybe one day I will look back and see things differently, problem is right now all I see is the good parts of the relationship I’m losing and a man who has made me feel led on and wonder just how much I ever meant to him. That’s not a great feeling after spending over a decade with someone :(
 

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He sounds like the selfish kind of person who knows the right words to say to keep what he wants, even while not meaning them one bit. In this case, he wanted the image of a marriage, a wife to raise the kid and do the housework, etc, as well as the excitement of flirting with other women and possibly even a physical affair. So anytime that got threatened, he would say the magic words to make you back off.

When someone tells you they don't love you anymore and want out, it's usually because they are comparing the excitement of limerence with an affair partner to long-term boredom with their spouse. When in the throes of limerence, nothing else feels like it, so people conclude that must mean they no longer love their spouse, because they remember limerence with that spouse and know it's not there anymore.

His actions all seem like image management to me. His assuring you that there is no one else may be his way of making sure that the break-up looks like a third person wasn't involved. If he's soon in a new relationship, he'll say it happened after. His blaming you for causing the separation is just a way of making you look like the bad guy, not him. His promises to be there for you during treatments are just his way of not looking like the guy who abandons a sick wife.
 
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