Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 104 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My W and I were married for 15 year and have 3 kids, oldest and youngest are boys a girl in the middle. It's been almost 3 months since she dropped the bomb on me. It was after a minor arguement she asked me to call back I didn't for a couple of days then she told me it was over. She wanted the 6 mth separation then D. I was obviously devastated and had trouble sleeping and eating for the first few weeks. I've lost about 25 lbs (I guess there's one upside to this disaster). At times I thought they may be a glimmer of hope but that came crashing down last night.

We had a good conversation the day before and I really thought all my efforts to save the marriage were finally paying off then I asked her the next day (big mistake) if she would give me 3 mths to show I am changed and care very much for her. Then she said that she was just trying to be "nice" when not discussing her decision to D. She also keeps telling me that she doesn't want to "hurt me." Really? I already feel my heart has endured a thousand cuts and is on life support.

From the beginning we have not lived in the same house. I slept there a couple of nights which was hard. I should have seen it coming when she first moved to another state where she first told me she wanted to get her RE license and then told me she found work there as a rental agent. She was already making moves to get away from me. She did ask me to telecommute back then so there was hope. I was just too blind to realize she was already considering D.

Back to last night...so I tell her that Im already hurting and so she tells me this is the way she has been feeling for 15 years of our marriage. She blames me for everything. I'll admit I was not perfect and that hurt her bad emotionaly but she brought issues with her from having a neglectful mom. We had a lot of diagreements about parenting, things she said to me but I did not think it was that bad. I was always faithful just lacking in the compassion dept as times. I know what brought her to this decision but there could have been several ways it could have played out. She could have agreed to counseling at least for the sake of our 3 children. Or agreed that separation was to reassess our marriage and see if we could save it.

She has told me a couple of times that she made the decision final when I asked her whereabouts because at times she was traveling back to our home state to see "friends" I have suspected that she was having an EA. This all happened a couple days after New Years. That's when she started crying and told me she had to get the divorce. Since then though at times she would just say she was confused and she needed space. About 3 weeks ago (sorry jumping everywhere with this story) I confronted her about a facebook message (didn't tell her how I knew) where she said she met someone (He is 16 older than her wt?) who changed her way of thinking and has 3 boys (his first marriage didn't work) and considers fatherhood a privilege. What kind of garbage is that? Anyway I digress. So she told me we are just friends that right now she is just confused. The next night she pestered me all night until she started crying (my weakness) so I told her I came across it on her laptop she had left facebook open. She didn't think I wouldn't check? After that she has totally closed up completely. She always hides her phone which is on her parents account. So God knows who she's talking to. I still don't know whether to believe her about anything she says. I definitely have been honest with her throught this process but she is definitley not been with me. She is fine with that (ouch!)

I feel like a doormat right now. Not intentional at all. I was trying to show here that I love her very much and her heart is safe with me. I've been trying to do that but last night was a real eye opener and hurt me very much. I know they say not to initiate conversation about the relationship status but how do I know how to act with her if I don't know where she it at. If she has move on with OM then I need to move on i.e. separate bank accounts, getting D papers, making arrangements about the kids etc. So now I am once again very hurt after having my hopes up earlier yesterday. I feel like I need to move on but I can't. How does one just easily throw away 15 years of marriage with giving it one more effort. At least for the children's sake. That's what hurts me the most. I know we could work on this marriage if she were willing to try but she made it clear last night she's not interested. She just keeps telling me all the things I did wrong that hurt her. I show her change..she says she sees it but is just waiting until separation is over so she can file for D. Ugh!

Somebody please help me here with some positive feedback. Also Valentine's Day is coming up. What do I do If anything about that?

-Hurt Odyssey
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,203 Posts
I am sorry that you are here. You will find this forum to be very helpful during this time. A lot of us are going through very similar situations as you. Be prepared for a lot of advice that is going to be VERY counter intuitive to what you think you should do.


First thing is to start the The Healing Heart: The 180. This is for you, not her.

Next, get evidence of the affair. Get a VAR, put it in her car. Check her phone, email, facebook, etc. Once you have enough evidence, expose the affair to everyone. Family, friends, coworkers, etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks GutPunch. I have heard of the 180. Some have said it works others have mentioned it did not to save the marriage. But like you say it is for me not her.

I definitely am being taken on an emotional roller coaster by W. Last night she asked me to go out to dinner with the kids. She mostly did not talk esp about herself. That's her thing now not to share about herself if I ask as if she is violating some rule. Then she shows me a photo on her phone supposedly of (who I suspect is OM) OM's girlfriend. She asked me on the way home if I felt better knowing that. I told her yeah a little. First because my heart is still hurting over S but second I don't know whether to believe her. Even if I take her word for it ..she still told me in no uncertain terms she's done and doesn't know if she can get past emotional pain of our marriage. Even though she said that she also has said other things about being confused but that was a couple of weeks ago so who knows.


I still don't know what to do about Valentine's. I'm thinking of sending flowers (not roses) with a short message but not stating who they are from. Any ideas what to do or not do here?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,203 Posts
Thanks GutPunch. I have heard of the 180. Some have said it works others have mentioned it did not to save the marriage. But like you say it is for me not her.

I definitely am being taken on an emotional roller coaster by W. Last night she asked me to go out to dinner with the kids. She mostly did not talk esp about herself. That's her thing now not to share about herself if I ask as if she is violating some rule. Then she shows me a photo on her phone supposedly of (who I suspect is OM) OM's girlfriend. She asked me on the way home if I felt better knowing that. I told her yeah a little. First because my heart is still hurting over S but second I don't know whether to believe her. Even if I take her word for it ..she still told me in no uncertain terms she's done and doesn't know if she can get past emotional pain of our marriage. Even though she said that she also has said other things about being confused but that was a couple of weeks ago so who knows.


I still don't know what to do about Valentine's. I'm thinking of sending flowers (not roses) with a short message but not stating who they are from. Any ideas what to do or not do here?

Showed you a picture of OM's gf. PLease. Read the 180 and live it. Don't let her know you have a care in the world. She needs to think that this is your "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD". She wants out let her go.

Keylog her computer and gather evidence. Placee a VAR under her car seat. Listen to me. I think OM's gf needs to know about EA. You need evidence.

Flowers? I will jump thru this computer monitor and punch you! She is not your valentine. NO way to nice your way out of this situation. End the relationship talks too. You appear to needy and unattractive. 180 180 180 Cool Calm Dispassionate

You need to be a rock and deal from a position of strength.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,931 Posts
Don't discuss OM with her. That legitimizes him. He's not legitimate. I think he's seriously emotionally influencing her.

Do contact OM's GF. As soon as you can.

Your head is not on straight right now. You're heartbroken and you think your immense love for your wife will win her back. It won't. All she sees is a needy, clingy man. It sucks but that's the truth.

You need to 180. Pronto! Follow it first if you think it will help save your marriage. Whatever it takes but start following it. Strictly.

Flowers on V-Day? No way. You may as well send her a mat to put in front of her door that has a picture of a broken heart on it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
66 Posts
Yes the pain will decrease and eventually resolve-you can't let her be in charge of your happiness and validation of your life. Do the 180 and work on your codependency issues(most of us here have them or we wouldn't be here). Learn to love yourself and fix your weaknesses. You can not depend on someone else on the outside to make you happy-you are in charge of your happiness. Prayers for you on your journey of self repair to pain free happy days-they are coming.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You are so right Gut Punch! My head is so clouded right now. She sends me a lot of mixed signals. I read somewhere that WAW see you as their #2 option right now if their single life does not work out. I mean shouldn't I show some concern in hopes of reconciliation? I'm fine with ditching the flowers but there's got to be some effort if there is any chance at reconciliation. I know it takes TWO to make it work. I am hoping my efforts will show her.

This morning she sent me a text thanking me when I drove around the house her and our kids are staying at to check out a loud blast/noise outside last night. She had called me about it last night. She asked if I heard it. I heard it to but turned out to be nothing (or firework who knows). I am staying at my inlaws vacation home (ugh) when visiting our kids since my job is in home state she moved from last summer to get a career after being an at home wife. Now I think it was to get away from me.

So am I misinterpreting her text messages to me? Inviting me to dinner? Is that to displace guilt about what she is doing is wrong? Who knows. I think she feels some guilt about the separation and plan to D.

You are all right about her treating me when she sees me like I'm a loser in her book. She also keeps her coat on and hides her phone checking it constantly for messages and facebook. Maybe one day she'll see that grass is not so greener on the other side.

Like you say I need to begin focusing on me and not basing my happiness on her. I just got to get there. Its just so hard when you spent 15 years of your life with this person.


Married 15 years

Ages

Me: 35
W: 33
S: 13
D: 9
S: 6
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,625 Posts
Hurt, I'm a little confused by your OP. Are you saying that you and your wife have never lived in the same house your entire marriage? Did I read it correctly that you two were living in a long distance marriage for the majority of it? Looking at your post, it appears that you two lived separately from the start and that she moved out of state much more recently?

From the beginning we have not lived in the same house. I slept there a couple of nights which was hard. I should have seen it coming when she first moved to another state where she first told me she wanted to get her RE license and then told me she found work there as a rental agent. She was already making moves to get away from me. She did ask me to telecommute back then so there was hope. I was just too blind to realize she was already considering D.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,203 Posts
You are so right Gut Punch! My head is so clouded right now.

That's why you don't make any decisions right now. You need to wait to decide on reconciliation or not. You may get stronger and not want her back in a couple months. Who knows?

She sends me a lot of mixed signals. I read somewhere that WAW see you as their #2 option right now if their single life does not work out.

Also known as Plan B

I mean shouldn't I show some concern in hopes of reconciliation?

Absolutely not. NO emotions! Cool Calm Dispassionate
You must be perceived as the strong one.
She still has OM in the picture, as long as here is there your marriage is toast.

I'm fine with ditching the flowers but there's got to be some effort if there is any chance at reconciliation. I know it takes TWO to make it work. I am hoping my efforts will show her.

No effort from you! She has another man for god sakes! Any effort from you is weakness and unattractive.

This morning she sent me a text thanking me when I drove around the house her and our kids are staying at to check out a loud blast/noise outside last night. She had called me about it last night. She asked if I heard it. I heard it to but turned out to be nothing (or firework who knows). I am staying at my inlaws vacation home (ugh) when visiting our kids since my job is in home state she moved from last summer to get a career after being an at home wife. Now I think it was to get away from me.

So am I misinterpreting her text messages to me?

Yes you are!

Inviting me to dinner? Is that to displace guilt about what she is doing is wrong? Who knows. I think she feels some guilt about the separation and plan to D.

Of course she does. Doesn't matter.

You are all right about her treating me when she sees me like I'm a loser in her book. She also keeps her coat on and hides her phone checking it constantly for messages and facebook. Maybe one day she'll see that grass is not so greener on the other side.

Textbook affair flags. Now is your time to show her what you are made of. Your marriage is in dire straits! You must go scorched earth on her. You will not nice your way out of this. If she tries to sleep with you don't!

Like you say I need to begin focusing on me and not basing my happiness on her. I just got to get there. Its just so hard when you spent 15 years of your life with this person.

I am right there with you. 13 years here. Listen to the advice. We all have lived it. You will be fine with or without her. I know that's hard to see right now but it's true!

Married 15 years

Ages

Me: 35
W: 33
S: 13
D: 9
S: 6
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Plan to clarify about my wife's situation. She elected to take her RE exam last summer in another state. She told me she was going to pass there and at home state. She passed her exam got a job offer and never looked back. She now tells me that she was trying to get away cause I was stressing her out. Wow..She could have told me that before so we could work on the relationship.

Thank you everyone for helping me through this very difficult time. This past week she has stopped contacting me. I am the only one initiating contact at this time. I asked her if there was something wrong that I did but she said no. I don't believe it of course. The only thing I can think of is I took a phone call from my brother when I was with her, left the room. She asked I eventually told her it was my brother. I've asked her if it was a big deal she says no. But ever since then again no contact. This morning she did not even take my phone call.

So I got to find a way to cope without her. It is soooo hard right now. I'm so busy I don't have time to go out and hang out with friends. So I'm dealing mostly on my own. It is sooo difficult. I do talk with a couple good friends about what to do but I feel like I'm bugging them too much with bad news and asking advice. They say they don't mind so they are really good friends definitely.

So what do I do now since she's made it very clear she does not want to communicate in any way.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,278 Posts
Thank you everyone for helping me through this very difficult time.
So what do I do now since she's made it very clear she does not want to communicate in any way.
You move on. You do not communicate with her unless it is about the kids.

The 180 is not save your marriage. The 180 is to prepare you so that no matter ht happens with your marriage or after your marriage that you will be strong, confident and have a direction with your life.

With your wife and kids out if state I would withdraw half your $$$ and put them n your own account. You should meet with an attorney to know your rights and how bet to proceed so your interests as well as your children's interests are ensured.

Get moving.

Your wife has been planning this for awhile.

HM64
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,203 Posts
plan to clarify about my wife's situation. She elected to take her re exam last summer in another state. She told me she was going to pass there and at home state. She passed her exam got a job offer and never looked back. She now tells me that she was trying to get away cause i was stressing her out. Wow..she could have told me that before so we could work on the relationship.

Thank you everyone for helping me through this very difficult time. This past week she has stopped contacting me. I am the only one initiating contact at this time. I asked her if there was something wrong that i did but she said no. I don't believe it of course. The only thing i can think of is i took a phone call from my brother when i was with her, left the room. She asked i eventually told her it was my brother. I've asked her if it was a big deal she says no. But ever since then again no contact. This morning she did not even take my phone call.

So i got to find a way to cope without her. It is soooo hard right now. I'm so busy i don't have time to go out and hang out with friends. So i'm dealing mostly on my own. It is sooo difficult. I do talk with a couple good friends about what to do but i feel like i'm bugging them too much with bad news and asking advice. They say they don't mind so they are really good friends definitely.

So what do i do now since she's made it very clear she does not want to communicate in any way.


stop calling her!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,203 Posts
You need an attorney pronto. Happy is right. You need to protect yourself. PLease read the 180 again as I don't believe you are getting it. No contact except for kids. You cannot let her relocate out of state with your kids. Lawyer up man.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I found out a few things yesterday. Long story short I knew W was up to something when she began asking my whereabouts Friday night. She told me the kids were staying at her Aunt and Uncle's so they could travel with them to a family celebration of her Uncle's dead mom birthday celebration they do each year. She states she has to work (hmm sounds fishy right?) So I drive down in my parents car for a little PI work yesterday (Saturday) to see if I could finally confirm my suspicions of OM. She calls me again on Saturday to confirm if I would be coming down Sunday morning as agreed. Of course...little does she know I'm a block away. So later that afternoon what stinks is I lost site of her when trying to back off. So even though I don't have solid evidence. I have a mountain of circumstancial evidence. First asking me my whereabouts, why? Keep in mind we live in two different states. From time to time though I telecommute to help with getting kids off the bus, cooking etc. So this morning I ask my son about why W could not make the family function. He says that she told everyone (including A and Uncle) that she had to work. Bold face lie! I know for a fact because that's where I lost her. She was there, I drove off for about an hour, came back gone. Just to make sure she had not gone back to the home I AM paying for I was there early in the morning. So it could only mean one thing OM/PA.

So as if my heart is not hurting and churning from all this drama. This morning I found on her facebook (already logged in... so sloppy) She went to court to file her divorce papers on Friday. What! We still have 3 months of separation! You couldn't wait? Here is what I'm thinking...This was to clear her conscious about spending the night with OM on Saturday. Plus I'm sure he encouraged her. Unbelievable. We have not have one arguement during the first 3 months (something she has complained about to her fb friends) I've done nothing but help and serve W and family as much as possible. Cooking meals, fixing things around the house, traveling to other state when kids were sick, letting her drive my car (said her leg hurt w stick on her CRV), cleaning the house, washing dishes. Did her OM do any of this? Nope absolutely not! This is what I get for being nice trying to show her I changed for good. OM is divorced with 3 boys and I'm pretty sure he had an EA with a married women. But feels special being number umm 20? Who knows? Really?

I'm so hurt, disgusted and angry. I asked at the beginning of the separation for her to give us time. Did she even bother to listen? Nope She really believes the grass is greener on the other side. So I am doing the 180 beginning today. I'm not sure if I will get served with D papers since there is a mandatory 6 month separation. I just need to start preparing and protecting myself as much as possible. I really want full custody of the kids. I just don't know how to go about building my case. I'm sure confirming the affair would be helpful. I need to get the GPS tracker installed. Does infidelity during separation help my case for full custody? Unfortunately, I don't believe or have any real evidence prior to our separation. Also I have a few other irresponsible things she has done I could include but I just need advise at this point on how to build my case. I got 3 MONTHS to build a strong case for custody.

I'm also still dealing with the emotional costs W ending a 15 year relationship, having OM in about a month. UGH! I'm so sick. What betrayal. I may have been emotionaly hurtful at times, I'll admit I'm not the perfect man but we had good times too. Those don't count in her book. Plus she is not completely innocent. It's not like we did not fight over nothing. I just don't see how breaking up our family is good for the kids. Study and study has shown it is NOT good for children despite all the BS her GFs are telling her. How could she such a cold hearted uncaring thing?

Oh well I just need to start preparing my case and seek counsel quick!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,203 Posts
Infidelity probably will not affect custody. You do need to Lawyer up pronto. Sorry, she is in the fog. All that nice sh!t you did, convinced her she needed a real man. Ironic isn't it.

180 is a must. Protect yourself and detach. Find out who this guy is and expose.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,278 Posts
Expose big time.

What you should have done is called her from her parking lot since you knew she was gone from work.

When she lied to you then you call her out on it.

Then you should have stayed at your home to verify she did not come back.

Go to your attorneys this week.

You know she is lying to you.

So finish this.

I know it hurts but you can not work with a liar and a cheat.

Your wife already thinks she is divorced. And I highly doubt the relationship with this OM will work out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
I feel for you, Hurt. The only thing that is even coming close to getting me through (together 9 years, he's been gone for almost 4 months) is the thought that actually, I am appalled at the thing he's done, in leaving without explanation - and mentioning a possible EA... I am so appalled that it actually makes it possible for me to see a way forward, without him. I don't want to be with someone who, no matter how deluded or unhappy or "in the fog", would do something like this to the people he supposedly loves. Divorce sucks, and anyone who thinks otherwise has their head in the sand. The ones leaving have totally lost it and it's not your job to find them. Find yourself. This may be what needs to happen, and you can move on and be a great support to your kids.

Now I just need to take my own advice!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Expose big time.

What you should have done is called her from her parking lot since you knew she was gone from work.

When she lied to you then you call her out on it.

Then you should have stayed at your home to verify she did not come back.

Go to your attorneys this week.

You know she is lying to you.

So finish this.

I know it hurts but you can not work with a liar and a cheat.

Your wife already thinks she is divorced. And I highly doubt the relationship with this OM will work out.
 
1 - 20 of 104 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top