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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 2 years (we are registered domestic partners which is as close to legal marriage as we can get). We love eachother very much, we have great times together, we love spending time together and don't get tired of one another. Our problem comes up when we disagree about anything (small or big) and fight/argue. We cannot have a discussion without it turning ugly.

For example, sometimes my partner will tell me things i find incredibly rude. Like once she told me I pretty much suck at a hobby that I love. I told her it really hurt to hear her say that and she went off on me, yelling and saying how overly sensitive I am and to stop acting like a child. When I again try to state calmly that I just feel hurt by it, she says she doesn't care about my feelings and that they're irrational. Her words turn very degrading, calling me names and raising her voice (which when I point out that it's happening she gets even louder and angrier stating that I'm insane).

I try to stay calm, use fair fighting techniques like I statements and I try to understand where she's coming from and let her know that I am listening to how she feels. But when I ask for the same in return, she says I'm the one that started it and that she's not sorry for anything and that I "made" her say the horrible things because I pestered her about my feelings. I usually end up crying in a room by myself and to end the drama, I have to apologize over and over to her for causing an argument.

I have gone to counseling and am currently going to a class dedicated to recovering from violence. I have lashed out during some of our arguments and physically abused her (slapping, pushing, grabbing and throwing things). I've never been violent before and I own that it's my problem, but anytime I ask for her to improve her behavior so we can be healthier together (i.e. not calling me names or threatening to leave the relationship whenever I've upset her) she says I'm trying to blame her for why I've been violent. We even tried going together to couples counseling for a short time, which was a major step because she thinks it's a lot of mumbo jumbo. Ultimately she left in the middle of a session telling the therapist that both she and I were blaming her for my violent outbursts. She then told me after the session that day that if I continued going to the therapist she would leave me. I stopped going and joined the abuse class.

We go a few weeks with no fights, but then we always end up in a huge blow up (I have not hit her since going to the class) but the name calling continues (which I am guilty of getting involved in after I'm in my crying state of desperation). I have tried being calm and even when she's offended by something I have said, I will try to simply say I'm sorry for hurting her but she will then say I need to apologize better. I will say I'm sorry 10 times or more and she still is mad at me and will call me names and say how horrible I am and that I need to apologize not for how I made her feel, but to apologize for hurting her on purpose (which isn't true, I never want to hurt her). By the time she's done yelling at me, I ask for her to realize she's trying to hurt me intentionally to prove her point and to please stop and she will say something like "I'm not sorry. I have a right to tell you how I feel and I don't care if it hurts." Sometimes she'll then leave and threaten not to come back, or tell me to leave and that it's her house and I can't come back. By that point I usually lose it and realize that trying to fight fair isn't working because I'm the only one doing it. I've gotten dramatic, I've even said I'd do something drastic to myself because I feel so terrible, but I know that's wrong to threaten that.

I've told her I need to be treated equal in our relationship, that I want us to be better to eachother, that I want to improve communication and that I love her and want it to work. She says I'm being holier than thou and that I'm the one causing all of our problems. Later she will usually say she's sorry and that we both need to work on it, but that I'm the one that has behavior problems (and always brings up the past times i was physically abusive). The last big blow up we had was the other day, I ended up leaving and staying in a motel (this is the first time I actually packed up with the aid of a police officer and paid for a room). We started talking on the phone after and she revealed she had got rid of our wedding and engagement rings down the toilet. She said it to be hurtful but as soon as she heard how much that upset me, she cried too very hard and said how much she regretted it. We made up and she apologized and said she wants to be together. But we've hurt eachother so much it's just hard to know where to go from here.

I love her very much, and I know she loves me. I think we are toxic to eachother when we are mad. She has forgiven me for physically hurting her... so I feel like I should forgive her too for the ring thing. I just don't know if things will ever truly get better or if I'm truly expecting too much of her. If I'm truly a nut/psycho/emotionally unstable person like she says. I promised I would never leave her. It's just so very hard....
 

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No offense, but your definition of "love" is much different than mine... I can't imagine doing any if the things mentioned in here to a partner Iove.

C
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
No offense taken. I know our problems are severe and I'm reaching out for help. I want to hear others perspectives on what my situation is, if it's me being unreasonable, if it's her, if we should keep trying, if we are hopeless. I want advice.
 

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It doesn't seem like your partner wants to work on the issues. From the sounds of things, it seems like you could probably both use individual counselling, as well as relationship counselling. But you both need to do SOMETHING to learn better ways to deal with your issues. If she's not willing to work with you on doing that, I don't think love will be enough.

C
 

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Yeah, that sounds like a pretty toxic relationship. I really think the two of you should move on and find someone who you are more compatible with. Sounds like one of those 'love/hate' relationships to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for your input. The part that's so hard is when we aren't fighting, we get along great. We have an amazing time together, we talk to eachother and hold eachother. We have great sex. We laugh together. It's just our fights are SO bad. At one point when she was younger she had been told by a dr that she may have autism. I've looked up aspergers and she fits it to a T. So then I feel like maybe she really can't help herself when she's being one-sided and isn't capable of communicating in a healthier way. But can I live my life putting up with those behaviors?
 

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I'm sorry that you're going through this. :(

I agree with Pbear - therapy would be good for both of you individually (at the very least since your partner is refusing MC at the moment). Do you think she might have something else going on aside from possible autism/Aspergers?

Love alone is never enough, sadly. If your partner won't work with you and won't address her destructive impact upon you, then there's not a whole lot you can do to save the relationship from eventual implosion. :(
 

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It sounds like she (and you) need help with communication, and marriage counseling is good for that, but if she won't go there is nothing you can do. You can't make her go, you can't make her change, all you can do is change yourself. So your choices are either to accept things the way they are, or to leave. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like love is a factor here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Sometimes we can work out our problems normally, but she does always start yelling and saying hurtful stuff first instead of just discussing the issue and not letting it escalate.

I do admit I have issues with anxiety and irritablilty and I even am going to a psychiatrist and am on a anti-depressant/anxiety medication. She always throws in my face "You're the one with PMDD" or "you're the one with abuse and mental issues" but if I ask her to go to a doctor about any of her issues, she says I'm crazy and that she's not the one with any problems. She has acknowledged the possible aspergers but gets very very defensive and says she won't go to a doctor about it because there's no treatment for it (which I know is an excuse)

This morning, I brought up something about my religous beliefs which she usually puts down. She did, told me I'm not to talk about that stuff in front of her because it's stupid. We got into it a bit, but in the end I told her what had upset me is that we should be supportive of each other and even if we don't believe the same things, we should not be putting each other down or telling each other what we are allowed or not allowed to talk about. I told her it's unhealthy and we should be respectful of each other as individuals. She actually listened (she still defended that she wasn't trying to put me down, but she did tell me sorry for hurting me). :eek:

I am standing up for myself more. Like leaving the house the other night I think made her really consider the fact that it could all be over if she doesn't also try to be healthier in our relationship.

I'm still open to advice (I know half of this problem is me) and I want to know if people have been through this and it has gotten better, or if I'm blinded by my feelings and too hopeful. I appreciate your opinions.
 

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There is no treatment for Aspergers, but that doesn't mean she can use it as an excuse for anything. My nephew has asperger's and he goes to therapy to learn coping skills, proper social behavior, how to regulate emotions, etc. Sure, it's a lot harder than popping a pill, but if she wants to get along with people it seems like it would be worth it for her to learn some of these things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I agree, the other night we talked a bit about her maybe having Aspergers and she was more open to it than she has been in the past (usually gets very defensive and mad). I basically said just because you don't go to the doctor and tell them what's going on and don't have the official diagnosis made doesn't mean you don't have it.

She did apologize for not being very sensitive sometimes and being very cold hearted towards me when angry. I apologized for getting too emotional when we are fighting. It felt nice to have BOTH of us self reflecting and wanting to improve. I feel like when these things happen, we are taking steps in the right direction.

I appreciate what all of you have said so far and I am listening so thank you for helping me through this hard time.
 

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should i get a divorce

Ok here it is i have cheated on my wife she knows about it and we have tried working it out. but all we are doing now is fighting. we are talking about either seperating or getting a divorse any idea of which one we should do.
 

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Re: should i get a divorce

Ok here it is i have cheated on my wife she knows about it and we have tried working it out. but all we are doing now is fighting. we are talking about either seperating or getting a divorse any idea of which one we should do.
You need to start your own thread...

C
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I have to admit, it is much simpler being single. But I love being with my partner and I truly do love her as a person. The only time I really feel helpless and unsure what to do is when she refuses to even attempt to listen or understand my side or my feelings. She was telling me the other day to not snap at her or be condescending and I said that I agreed but what about when she snaps at me and she said "But I never snap at you or am rude to you." And she truly believes it! That's why i think she has the disorder because even the most stubborn person (i think i'm pretty stubborn) knows when they've been a bit rude or cranky at someone. To say that you never are rude or cranky???

It's like that phrase "meet me half way" doesn't exist in her world. I am a commited person though, I have promised her i'd never leave her so it's hard to justify leaving someone especially one you love.

(as for the person that posted in here that you cheated on your wife, sorry for your situation but yes, please post your own separate thread. No cheating going on in this thread or my relationship thankfully, i have enough troubles )
 
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