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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Starting to date a little bit since my wife cheated and moved out back on February 3, 2018. I had a previous post here back in June,
I have found that there are a lot of damaged people on these dating sites. Many of the women I connect with are too far away from me to even consider meeting for a drink or coffee but end up being the ones that I message with the most. Perhaps because we know we will never meet both of us open up and are very frank and have some meaningful dialogue regarding dating and meeting new people. They talk about how bad the selection of good men is as well.

I have, however, met a woman that I like quite a bit. We have similar interests, age-appropriate, are within 15 miles of each other and converse very well with each other. There is a spark between the two of us. She knows the situation that I've come from and I know hers. We have been very open with each other. However, deep in my heart, there is this hurdle that I've never encountered before. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is no way I could put my heart out there in fear of getting it ripped apart again. I also find myself comparing some of her characteristics with my ex. This is a good woman and she has done nothing to deserve what I'm afraid may be a permanent scar for me and prevent me from being able to love someone in the future the way I loved my ex. I don't want to just go on and on meeting good people and the same thing happening.
Does this go away with the healing process? It makes me think how good I really had it with my ex...then I remember, "SHE CHEATED ON ME!" I am so pissed that my ex put me in this position.
 

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I think with age comes wisdom. As long as the sex is good (and don't kid yourself) and you're both 100% comfortable the other person is being open about everything.... I could see it happening.

I'm fine with promiscuity while being single. It's the one who says she's only been with 5 men in her life and was a queen wife, yet has that seductive secretary look... I would run.

Net-Net. I think it's a gut instinct thing combined with a pinch of faith.
 

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You'll never love with reckless abandon again after going through what you did. But that doesn't mean you won't be in a mutually loving relationship again. Just give it time for the healing to happen. Usually it takes several years so at this point you should just be looking to have fun and get to really know yourself and what you want in a woman. And don't rush things!
 

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It's too soon to feel safe, and this is normal. It has been, what, 5 months?

I think you should give yourself time and space. Date if you must, but purpose not to get heavily invested in anyone for awhile (be sure you are honest with the women about this).

If you heal and become healthy, you WILL be able to love someone well again. It is a choice to do the work to get there. Anyone who still cannot trust enough to love 10 years down the road is stuck because they CHOSE to be stuck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
You'll never love with reckless abandon again after going through what you did. But that doesn't mean you won't be in a mutually loving relationship again. Just give it time for the healing to happen. Usually it takes several years so at this point you should just be looking to have fun and get to really know yourself and what you want in a woman. And don't rush things!
I remember when I first started reading and listening to articles on how to start healing that it could take several years, I thought "There is no way. I don't have that kind of time". Only now, especially after the way she left me, does it make sense that it is going to take quite a while.
 

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The distrust, hesitancy, and PTSD are all very normal. You have to get to the place where you can convince yourself that not everyone is like your ex or even potentially so. It may be a good idea to get counseling to help you with that.

Otherwise, you have to give yourself, women, and relationships time, and you have to be smart and discerning while doing it. I think people rely way too heavily on what is stated. That's what makes us fall in love from afar, but what if everything the person states is not true? What if they are just feeding you lines they know you want and need to hear? Both sexes are very good at duping each other in the early stages of forming a relationship. Both sexes are good at playing the role and making their potential mate think the world of them. The only way to know the difference between the person they present themselves to be and the person they actually are is to guard your heart for a long while and be objective. Stop depending so much on what they say and start watching and analyzing what they do and how they live their lives.

That means you have to spend time together. Instead of taking her word for being the wonderful person she wants you to think she is, take notice of how she treats other people. Is she rude to the waitress for simple mistakes? Does she earn a good income but doesn't contribute to any charities or help other people? For that matter, has she tried to make you think she loves humanity and animals but doesn't contribute to or volunteer anywhere? And if she told you that she does, can you check it out to find out if it's true, like maybe ask her if you can come along and join her some time? That's a good way to catch her in a lie if she's lying.

Google her name.

Friend her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. These will give you a glimpse of the type of life she lives and how she communicates with family and friends. People tend to be their true ugly selves on social media. Get to know the real her.

Check to see if she has ever been arrested. Arrest records and court records are public domain.

People who have been married before almost invariably blame the other person for the failure of the marriage. Your case is such that your wife cheated, but a lot of people say "he/she cheated" when in fact they were the one who cheated. Or they give other reasons to blame the former spouse for the divorce. Doesn't mean it's true and usually isn't, so don't rely on what she says but find a way to check it out.

Make a list of rules and standards for yourself to live by and for the women you meet and date to live up to.
Example of some of my rules when I was dating:
1. Nobody who is married, has a girlfriend, or is living with someone.
2. Nobody who has been divorced twice or more. This person either makes bad/hasty decisions or is not reliable.
3. Nobody who is too eager/pushy. This person is unstable, desperate, or both. Bad news either way.

Be sure to take it slow and pay attention.
 

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I don't say this to be discouraging, but I've trusted in matrimony twice in this lifetime and have had my throat unceremoniously slashed in as many times!

Falling in love and trusting again could well happen, but it will be so damned hard for me to ever come to "trust" a third time! The odds, I feel, are just not in my favor!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
The distrust, hesitancy, and PTSD are all very normal. You have to get to the place where you can convince yourself that not everyone is like your ex or even potentially so. It may be a good idea to get counseling to help you with that.

Otherwise, you have to give yourself, women, and relationships time, and you have to be smart and discerning while doing it. I think people rely way too heavily on what is stated. That's what makes us fall in love from afar, but what if everything the person states is not true? What if they are just feeding you lines they know you want and need to hear? Both sexes are very good at duping each other in the early stages of forming a relationship. Both sexes are good at playing the role and making their potential mate think the world of them. The only way to know the difference between the person they present themselves to be and the person they actually are is to guard your heart for a long while and be objective. Stop depending so much on what they say and start watching and analyzing what they do and how they live their lives.

That means you have to spend time together. Instead of taking her word for being the wonderful person she wants you to think she is, take notice of how she treats other people. Is she rude to the waitress for simple mistakes? Does she earn a good income but doesn't contribute to any charities or help other people? For that matter, has she tried to make you think she loves humanity and animals but doesn't contribute to or volunteer anywhere? And if she told you that she does, can you check it out to find out if it's true, like maybe ask her if you can come along and join her some time? That's a good way to catch her in a lie if she's lying.

Google her name.

Friend her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. These will give you a glimpse of the type of life she lives and how she communicates with family and friends. People tend to be their true ugly selves on social media. Get to know the real her.

Check to see if she has ever been arrested. Arrest records and court records are public domain.

People who have been married before almost invariably blame the other person for the failure of the marriage. Your case is such that your wife cheated, but a lot of people say "he/she cheated" when in fact they were the one who cheated. Or they give other reasons to blame the former spouse for the divorce. Doesn't mean it's true and usually isn't, so don't rely on what she says but find a way to check it out.

Make a list of rules and standards for yourself to live by and for the women you meet and date to live up to.
Example of some of my rules when I was dating:
1. Nobody who is married, has a girlfriend, or is living with someone.
2. Nobody who has been divorced twice or more. This person either makes bad/hasty decisions or is not reliable.
3. Nobody who is too eager/pushy. This person is unstable, desperate, or both. Bad news either way.

Be sure to take it slow and pay attention.
I've been going to counseling since the beginning. He is faith-based and 40 years of experience and I feel very blessed to have found him. I have a huge circle of supportive family and friends that, in all honesty, have saved my life. I have spoken to several women that are a potential meet and greet even though they are an hour or less away. To your point, StarFires, regarding getting to know them...this would be difficult in a long distance relationship. You have to be around someone to get to know them. Their mannerisms, the way they act and react around different people and situations...
 

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You are still fresh out of DDay. Have you filed for divorce? If yes, has it gone through? If it hasn't, then why are you dating?

More importantly, you still need to recover from the betrayal of your wife and the loss of your marriage. I believe that it is way too early to jump into a new relationship. Doing so can bring on a tremendous setback and more emotional trauma. Simmer on down a notch, friend.

This all takes time. Work on yourself, and after the grieving process has run it's course and you are divorced go ahead and start dating. By then many of these concerns and traumas that are in your head will be vanquished. Getting over the betrayal, by the way, will take a very long time. But it gets better as time goes by. You will find happiness again, but you need to learn from this and let the process unfold.

I suggest you get in a Divorce Care support group. This program is extremely valuable to helping you understand and process all of these feelings as well as the financial and practical realities that are confronting you.
 

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Starting to date a little bit since my wife cheated and moved out back on February 3, 2018. I had a previous post here back in June,
I have found that there are a lot of damaged people on these dating sites. Many of the women I connect with are too far away from me to even consider meeting for a drink or coffee but end up being the ones that I message with the most. Perhaps because we know we will never meet both of us open up and are very frank and have some meaningful dialogue regarding dating and meeting new people. They talk about how bad the selection of good men is as well.

I have, however, met a woman that I like quite a bit. We have similar interests, age-appropriate, are within 15 miles of each other and converse very well with each other. There is a spark between the two of us. She knows the situation that I've come from and I know hers. We have been very open with each other. However, deep in my heart, there is this hurdle that I've never encountered before. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is no way I could put my heart out there in fear of getting it ripped apart again. I also find myself comparing some of her characteristics with my ex. This is a good woman and she has done nothing to deserve what I'm afraid may be a permanent scar for me and prevent me from being able to love someone in the future the way I loved my ex. I don't want to just go on and on meeting good people and the same thing happening.
Does this go away with the healing process? It makes me think how good I really had it with my ex...then I remember, "SHE CHEATED ON ME!" I am so pissed that my ex put me in this position.


Takes time, but yes, you will go on and find another. I had my heart ripped out and stomped for good measure. I pulled on my pants. Put on my boots and found another that respects me. The scars from before faded long long long ago....
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You are still fresh out of DDay. Have you filed for divorce? If yes, has it gone through? If it hasn't, then why are you dating?

More importantly, you still need to recover from the betrayal of your wife and the loss of your marriage. I believe that it is way too early to jump into a new relationship. Doing so can bring on a tremendous setback and more emotional trauma. Simmer on down a notch, friend.

This all takes time. Work on yourself, and after the grieving process has run it's course and you are divorced go ahead and start dating. By then many of these concerns and traumas that are in your head will be vanquished. Getting over the betrayal, by the way, will take a very long time. But it gets better as time goes by. You will find happiness again, but you need to learn from this and let the process unfold.

I suggest you get in a Divorce Care support group. This program is extremely valuable to helping you understand and process all of these feelings as well as the financial and practical realities that are confronting you.
My original post regarding DDay is in a hyperlink . When she told me she "wasn't in love with me anymore" I put my feelings aside briefly and immediately filed, uncontested, no lawyer, no real estate, no children and no shared assets. She signed everything and divorce was final in 12 days. $148.00, it was done. Then, the grieving started...
 

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Starting to date a little bit since my wife cheated and moved out back on February 3, 2018. I had a previous post here back in June,
I have found that there are a lot of damaged people on these dating sites. Many of the women I connect with are too far away from me to even consider meeting for a drink or coffee but end up being the ones that I message with the most. Perhaps because we know we will never meet both of us open up and are very frank and have some meaningful dialogue regarding dating and meeting new people. They talk about how bad the selection of good men is as well.

I have, however, met a woman that I like quite a bit. We have similar interests, age-appropriate, are within 15 miles of each other and converse very well with each other. There is a spark between the two of us. She knows the situation that I've come from and I know hers. We have been very open with each other. However, deep in my heart, there is this hurdle that I've never encountered before. I get this overwhelming feeling that there is no way I could put my heart out there in fear of getting it ripped apart again. I also find myself comparing some of her characteristics with my ex. This is a good woman and she has done nothing to deserve what I'm afraid may be a permanent scar for me and prevent me from being able to love someone in the future the way I loved my ex. I don't want to just go on and on meeting good people and the same thing happening.
Does this go away with the healing process? It makes me think how good I really had it with my ex...then I remember, "SHE CHEATED ON ME!" I am so pissed that my ex put me in this position.


It's WAY TOO SOON.

If you must date, do it in the shallowest of ways. Just have fun. Why are you even thinking about a new relationships, you are still bleeding out from the old one. Plus you aren't going to have a good relationship overnight. Stop trying to fix your pain by using someone else to distract you from it, that's not fair to the other person anyway. You have to just live with it. Yeah it sucks but it is what it is.

And yes you will be strong enough one day to want to be with someone but you have to heal first. Get some counseling that will help you. The thing to get from this is if you can get through this you can get through anything, because nothing can be worse. But you got to get through it first. Taking the pain head on and healing with dignity and strength will really help you later. You will look back with pride. Rebounding on someone else isn't really doing that.

One more thing you need to get to a place where you don't care if you have a relationship or not. Then you can decide to have one from the apex of strength. Get comfortable with being alone. It can be done and once you get there it's kind of nice.

It's going to get better. You will see.
 

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To your point, StarFires, regarding getting to know them...this would be difficult in a long distance relationship. You have to be around someone to get to know them. Their mannerisms, the way they act and react around different people and situations...
The internet provides a great vehicle for people to meet and find a mate, and I suppose that's good, but it's only good if used wisely. Again, a person has to guard their heart, remain objective for a long while, and be discerning. I don't know the ratio of men and women, I only know the stories I've read on this board and other boards are always written by women (maybe I missed any that were written by men). They are stories of failed relationships or marriages, whereas the woman relocated - moved states, across country, or even continents - to be with a guy they met on the net. These women walked away from their lives, families, friends, livelihood, everything because they met someone on social media or dating site and decide they want to be with him. In most cases, they also bore the cost of the move and either sold or gave away their belongings in order to make the move. So, they ended up with little of nothing and usually no means to get back home and no home to return to.

To me, those women are either stupid or desperate or both. How can you do that after having no opportunity to really get to know a person? How can a person make such a decision based purely on what they were TOLD? That's why I placed such emphasis to you on not relying on what the women tell you. Invariably, those women regretted their decision after moving to be with a man who was not the person, nothing like the person, he had presented himself to be. And then they blamed him for duping them, but they, themselves, are the only ones to blame for being that kind of desperate and capricious.

The bottom line is if you can't spend time with a person to be able to observe them and truly get to know them, then you have no business forming a relationship with them and calling yourself falling in love because you've only fallen in love with their words - their words they used to make you think of them what they wanted you to think.

So, yes, it is obviously difficult in a long distance relationship. Therefore, the question is to you: Is it wise to form a long distance relationship with someone you meet on the internet? It may be best to stick close to home within a distance you can travel frequently. It's up to you and could mean the difference between finding a good mate and finding someone who makes you think they are a good mate. When meeting and dating, people try to make the person think they have things in common. So if a woman tells you she shares your passion for the same sports or sports team as you, how could you possibly know for certain if you and she never attend a game together or never even watch a game together for you to find out she really isn't interested and doesn't know anything about the game, the rules or how it's played? But that's the kind of thing that women will tell a guy. Her objective is to make you think she's perfect for you. It's unwise to just take her word for it.
 

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I think you’re doing well. I say go ahead and date. Learn that you are a desirable person (you sound more secure with that than most) because being cheated on puts most people in a state of mind that makes them pretty weak.

See what’s out there. Be skeptical. Nothing wrong with that. Only logical after what’s happened.

Enjoy being single for a while. Enjoy it forever if you want.

Whether you are “healed” or not, there’s still going to be people who get hurt when dating.
My opinion is that meeting someone that you like and getting one’s mind off the ex is a very important factor in getting “healthy”.

As long as you’re honest with the person you’re dating as to your feelings, you aren’t doing them wrong.

I didn’t wait forever to date after my divorce. I’m glad I didn’t. I had a chance to figure out that there would be ladies out there that would still enjoy my company.
I had a chance to relearn how to be single again. One can be single without being lonely, I assure you.

Yes, internet dating is 99% people you don’t want to marry. But you only need one. And the people you meet outside of dating sites, there’s a high rate of duds there as well.

Have fun and enjoy your life. When you meet a woman that has some character, you’ll know it. And you won’t worry about them cheating.

Just give it some time.
 

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The chances of long distance relationships working out is very low. You tend to fall for the idea of what you think it will be like when you’re together permanently, not knowing what it will ACTUALLY be like. Not saying it isn’t possible, but your odds go way down. BTDT. Divorced that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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It's too soon to feel safe, and this is normal. It has been, what, 5 months?

I think you should give yourself time and space. Date if you must, but purpose not to get heavily invested in anyone for awhile (be sure you are honest with the women about this).

If you heal and become healthy, you WILL be able to love someone well again. It is a choice to do the work to get there. Anyone who still cannot trust enough to love 10 years down the road is stuck because they CHOSE to be stuck.
That's just not true. It all depends on what the individual experienced and what they can handle. The west is heavily against traditional marriage and families. It is a promiscuous society and the laws tend to add to the numbers who will never get married or have a relationship again. It is also true that many drop out of the dating and relationship world, believing it really isn't worth it.
 

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Sczinger,

there isn't anyone on this board that would not want you to find happiness and joy in a new relationship...you won't find a bigger cheerleading section than the people of TAM, but you will also find people who have walked in your shoes and know the hardship of vulnerability in something new....as you know life does not come with guarantees, there is no magical formula for love or faithfulness, there is no scratch off ticket to celestial bliss. Maybe she is the one or maybe she is the who will help you find what you need in yourself, to help you eventually find the one. people come in our lives for reasons or seasons....what i am saying is don't force something in order to find that something...take it slow; very, very slow, perhaps she will be a great friend to you and you to her, maybe she will be more or maybe not. Your job is to heal...your wounds are fresh, the scars have not formed. How can you be the best of you to her if you are not the best to yourself first. Please remember this is not a race, your ex is not your opponent, you do not have to be looking back.
 

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My advice is to stop trying.

Get off those dating sites, and work on yourself. Become the man you want to be. Set new goals. Do things you never thought of doing before. Go where it's dangerous and say "yes".

Work out, get back into the old hobbies and interests you had before you got married and your exWW sucked your soul dry. Make new friends.

Become the most interesting person you know. (Like Matt Matt).

Eventually a good, beautiful, solid, decent woman will come along, out of the blue, uninvited, and look at you and the man you are and say to herself "Oh wow...I want me a piece of that Sczinger pie." And that will be that. She will pursue you and do everything she can to hook you and make her yours. And if you're lucky, she'll snag you. You won't have to lift a finger.
 

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OP, as others have said, it is way too early to be thinking of stuff like this. I went thru it myself - devastated by the end of a marriage and wondering if I would ever find that sense of contentment every again. But it is way too early for you to be thinking of that. The first step in loving someone else is to love your self. So you need to do as other have suggested and focus on your self. You need to rekindle old hobbies and find new ones. You need to make new friends, Think of the person you had always wanted to be until you got sidetracked in a relationship and become that person. Date for fun not for finding your "one" (there is no such thing anyways). Date to find out what you want and what you don't want. Learn from every person you meet. But stop thinking long term and focus on the moment right in front of you.
 
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