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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is going to be long so be ready.

My husband and I have been married for a few months now and right after the wedding moved across the country for his job. Things just all came crashing down on me over the past week. I have no one to talk to because I don't want either of us to be judged. Any advice or comfort would help.

Before marriage:
We met a few years ago and began dating. We fell quickly for each other. I moved in rather quickly. Things were going great! He told me anything I wanted to know. He explained he had some law suits open against his ex fiance. He was very open about everything. He showed me a print out of his account and how much money he had. He had been moving up at his job, and was very successful. He had good credit. Not to mention he was the sweetest man I've ever met. My family loved him. He made me feel like I was his world. He was just the total package!
About 6 months in I had to get a restraining order on someone and quit my job. 8 days after I quit my job I was looking at my online profile and deleting it. (i met him online) I found the thread where we first started talking and was rereading it. I noticed the information he gave about past relationships was different from what he had been telling me. I caught a lie!! (I had suspicions of him lying just never caught any.)
I sent a HUGE email calling him out on it. I was so upset. He then sent a reply and confessed everything. There were no law suits open. His credit was **** and he was falling behind on rent fast. (Living beyond his means.) Even the "bank account" printout I saw was a fake. (He is VERY tech savvy.) Everything he had told me thus far was a lie.
I pretty much had a meltdown. Not only did I just quit my job so I couldn't leave, I had helped him lie (not knowingly) to my family and friends. I was so angry and wanted to leave. But at the same time I still loved him so much. I called and told my mom. (3am) She told me to pray. She also told me she thought he as a nice guy and that I should give him another chance. Everyone makes mistakes. She said he didn't have to apologize to her or Dad. As long as he made it right with me thats all that mattered.
So we worked it out. I forgave him and he swore never to lie again. He said he hated hurting me and just wanted to make me happy. Things were going great after that. He showed me everything. His credit score. His actual bank account. (Even added me to the account.) He was earning my trust back and being just wonderful.
On our one year he proposed. (Even asked my Dad for permission first.) A year later we got married. The night before we got married I asked if he was POSITIVE there were no more lies. I did not want to start a marriage on a lie. He assured me he was nothing but truthful. The wedding was everything I always wanted!

After Marriage:

We moved a week after the wedding for his job. We are now across the country. I am away from all my family and friends and quite lonely. We seemed to be getting stronger for it though since all we had was each other. Things were going great!
Then last friday we were going to get me a car. He was going to be on the loan since I don't have a job yet in this state. We were sitting in the car office waiting for approval. It took forever! I walked out and said I was done waiting. He came out to the car and said we were not approved because his credit says he has a bankruptcy. He was pissed off saying he has to rush home and call credit agencies and report it as a false thing on the report. He seemed really angry.
I looked at him and said I need you to tell me if you are lying. Please tell me. If you filed for bankruptcy I need to know. He started crying. He told me everything. (Again.) How a MONTH after we started DATING he filed. (chapter 13) He had a few more years on payments. He racked up all the debt buying his ex fiance fancy clothes and jewelry. He was lying to her about money too. He had thousands in credit card debt. He also included the car he was driving on it. (Which both his family and I think is payed off.)
So the ENTiRE relationship was based on lies. I was devastated! I felt like the wedding was a lie. I couldn't look at pictures or anything. I feel like the person I said I would spend the rest of my life with was a fictional character. I felt lost. I still do. We have been fighting the last week. I love him with all my heart and at the same time I hate him. I feel like he is a stranger. He told me he was done lying this time and that he couldn't stand how emotionally distraught I've been.

That brings us to last night. I was asking him about everything he has ever told me. I was asking if there were any other lies and that I needed to know everything. Then he confessed AGAIN. All the things he said about the job offers he had in our early relationship were lies. (raises and things that he didn't get.) He told me he lied about his first gf. They never had sex. He didn't lose his virginity till he met his ex fiance. (The girl right before me.)



*****

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like I can tell anyone because I feel like they will be biased and say I have to leave him. That is not what I want. That is a VERY LAST resort. I had a Catholic wedding and my marriage is forever. I am just so depressed. I sit here all day and cry. I am a thousand miles away from anyone I know and the one person I should be able to find comfort in is the one hurting me. I feel like he is a stranger. I have no idea if the lies will ever stop. Can a compulsive liar ever get help? I don't know where to turn or how to fix this.
He really does seem to want to get help. He is in the process of finding a therapist through his insurance. He says he knows he needs IC before we could ever do MC. I have not forced him. He is doing it all on his own. He begs me not to leave and is admitting he may have an addicting to lying. I feel like he is trying harder this time to prove he is sorry. I am just scared. I have been hurt so deeply and don't know how to start the healing.
Other than the lies we really are perfect together. We go to church together. We agree on having children someday and how to parent them. His family loves me and mine love him. He doesn't have spending problems anymore. He actually saves money now and bargain shops! He is honestly perfect in every way except for lying about money. I could understand in the beginning trying to impress me but we are married now!

I will stop rambling. Just venting since I can't to anyone else. Like I said please give me any advice you can. Try to be understanding. These wounds are fresh and I need compassion. Thank you for your time!!
 

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He is a compulsive liar. The chances of him changing are very, very slim. He isnt lying just about money, he is lying about his life, about who he is. You probably need to be the one looking for a therapist for him, because he is probably lying about that too. This is a very serious issue, and he is very likely not going to change unless there consequences from you. As in, you will end this marriage if the lies continue, because him changing because of his deep enduring love for you is unlikely. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I have been in relationships with compulsive liars before, and it truely is miserable.
 

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"I sit here all day and cry." ...And yet he does not stop. Catholic marriage aside, were it not for that, would you get divorced, honestly?
If there were no repercussions from family, neighbors, the stigma of divorce, would you leave him?
This is who he is, he misrepresented himself when you got married, and you are now seeing that you don't like who he is. Yet, you want to stay. That is your choice. It is also your choice whether you want to live a happy life, where you wake up and don't worry about your spouse making things up all the time? What is your idea of an ideal marriage, or at least one that you can tolerate? Because this is NOT a situation you should tolerate, it is unfair to you. Do you truly value yourself? Because with his behavior, he is showing you that he doesn't value and doesn't respect you. I am not going to advise that you leave, and you don't seem to want to hear that from anyone. But you don't have many choices at the moment. What if you stay with him and then some time from now he decides to get a divorce from you? and you end up saying to yourself, I could have left a long time ago.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
you know i was hoping to get compassion when coming to this site. all i have been getting is negativity and hopelessness.

yes he has made many mistakes. yes we are having major problems right now. no i am not just giving up right away without giving it a chance.

if i wanted to leave i would've when he lied the first time after 6 months of dating. that time i DID tell my family and friends about the lies. they didn't hate him....they didn't advise me to leave. they talked my through it and comforted me. I just don't want to tell everyone again...not right now anyway.

and my staying is NOT solely because i got married in the church because i COULD get it annulled. I could prove the marriage was coerced based on fraud...my mom got an annulment once and I could too. That is not the point. I want to stay married because of who he is. Lies aide...he is a loving and generous man. you all do not know him. Yes I don't know everything about him anymore because of the lies...but I know enough.

I posted on this site because i was hoping for people to talk me through HOW TO STAY!!! Not how to run away. This site is talk about marriage...not convince people to divorce. I would like some feedback on where do we go from here? how do I start the healing process for me? what steps can we take individually and then together? those are the things I want to know.

so please if you are going to post on my thread be NICE! I am looking for comfort. I am looking for someone to tell me that I can still have SOME hope. I am not hoping someone gives me illusions or that its going to be easy and perfect. I am just looking for hope.
 

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Okay I'll bite. He's agreed to counseling and he appears to have his spending under control. All good things. Just don't let your guard down and don't have kids until he's done the work. This is like an addiction so you should read up on that subject. He's a compulsive spender and a compulsive liar. This won't go away just because he wants it to. He needs to dig deep in therapy to find out what drives him to behave this way and fix that otherwise it will happen again.

I wish you well.
 

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I'm sorry you are going thru this. While he is working on his issues you should prepare yourself for the worst, even if that isn't what you want. Find yourself a job, save some money privately,and try to work with your hubby while he is gettig the help he needs.

Hope this helps...from personal experience, habitual liars NEVER change..but that is only my experience. Prepare yourself, so IF your relationships fails, you are prepared.
 

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I'm sorry you are not finding comfort in the truth, sometimes reality is harsh. I have been in relationships with men who were compulsive liars, so its not like I dont have a realistic perspective on it.

It is positive that he admits that he has a problem. In order for him to make changes, like Mavash said, he is going to need to commit to this. You need to keep him accountable. I swear lying is like a personality disorder or something, it becomes so ingrained in who they are that its like a natural reflex! YOU should find him a therapist who specializes in compulsive behaviors/lying, or who has extensive experience with it. Make his appointment. Drive him to the appointment. If it is allowed, sit in on his session, because it is quite likely he will lie to the therapist. Even though HE really wants to work on this, his compulsion may take over here.

I wish you luck with this. Dishonesty is a MAJOR marriage killer.
 

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1.) You're on a public forum, you don't get to pick and choose who answers. Take what you like, ignore what you don't.

2.) You might get advice more to your liking if you post your thread in the Relationship & Addiction section of this forum. I'm not saying your H is "addicted" to lying, but the dynamics of your relationship are not unlike those of a married couple with an addicted spouse.

3.) You're too embarrassed and humiliated to admit to your own family that he's lied to you TWICE MORE about important things; even though YOU say they have been supportive and comforting. Why not tell them NOW? Are you afraid their comfort and support will wane when they find out (like you) that his lying is HABITUAL? That THEY will talk you out of staying married to him?

4.) You might consider a Roman Catholic forum for support in how to stay in this relationship. Since the RC church frowns on divorce, there would probably be LOTS of support from people who would tell you how to stay in your marriage, what you can try to make it work.

.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I appreciate the more positive messages. I will comment on all of them.

He just called from work and told me about the 3 places he has called. (I am new to his insurance and have no idea how to find out who is covered and who isn't.) He tried to make an appointment for me too but they said no. Apparently I have to do that myself. But I do think I need help dealing with this too, and would benefit from therapy. He is going to give me the number to the place so I can verify the appointment. PLUS he already know I will be accompanying him to the appointment and walking him inside.

I do not want to sit in on him yet (I might eventually) because I know there is probably more than lying he needs to discuss. (He still has issues with his dad committing suicide...which I know is true his family told me) I am just glad his insurance covers all mental health related stuff. That truly is a blessing!

As for his spending problem. He really doesn't have that anymore. Yes I am a better budgeter, but he doesn't spend a dine without asking me first. After the lies the first time I get to see everything that happens to his money. He has honestly come SO far in that department even his family has noticed. He actually shops around now and looks for the best deal. I really am proud of him for that! He also NEVER shorts us on our bills. He always makes sure we have enough for what we need. Looking at his past and seeing him now it really is a transformation. He works 12hr days and this week worked all 7 days (including tomorrow).

As for the comment about saving my own money and getting a job and what not. At the moment I CAN'T. That was why we were trying to buy a car. We ONLY have his car and he works 30 mins from our apartment. It isn't economical for me to drive him to work each day. So until we have a 2nd car I cannot get a job. He does; however, direct deposit money into my account (he has no access) every week. He has always done this so I have my own money to spend on whatever I want.

Also...I DID post this thread on the addiction section. I understand that the lying has become an addiction. He knows it too! We both have addicts in our families and can spot what an addiction is. He knows he will need a lot of help to stop. He also is going to come clean and tell everyone in his family what lies he told to them. So that they can support him in recovery.

As for telling MY family and friends. Yes they were supportive the first time...but I don't want them to know yet. Yes eventually I will tell them, but in less than a month we are going back to visit everyone. I don't want the trip to turn out ugly. (Plus we are staying with my parents when we go.) I may end up telling my mom but that would be it. I just don't want to call and tell people over the phone. I don't want to put that stress on me or our relationship right now. This is between me and him. When things start improving with us THEN I can start to tell me friends and family.

As for the comment about liars never changing. I USE to lie...ALOT. When I was young (11ish) My parents started fighting every day and they lost their jobs and we almost lost the house. I lied to every one of my friends and people at school until I was like 16. I pretended we were still rich and that everything was great. I made excuses on why I couldn't have friends over. I lied to my best friends...EVERYONE. I was living a lie and was good at it! One day I had enough. I realized I had to stop. It was eating at me every day and it was so stressful trying to remember all the lies. I told my best friend first and then slowly told my other friends. I stopped pretending and started being honest. None of them were angry and they helped me through things.

So I understand it is hard to stop lying. I understand that after years of lies you start believing them yourself. I have been there. But I stopped completely and never ONCE have I been to therapy. It IS possible if you want it bad enough. So I won't just give up on him. No one gave up on me.

I tell the truth now. If someone asks if things are going good...I tell the truth. (No one has asked yet so NO I am not lying about my fights with my husband....if they ask then yea I will have to tell them we are having issues)

I do appreciate the more positive spin on things though. I am going to do everything I can to help him change. I know it will not be easy...but I am not ready to give up yet.

Thank you! I will update if anything drastic changes...
 

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Let me guess. You are really really really nice. You believe in people, you believe that because of love, true love, the story will have a happy ending. You are the sort of person who makes decisions that are 'right' that is, that are beyond reproach, because everything about the decision is acceptable as something that a normal person would want. You crave social acceptance, through your family and job, and marriage. You see him as the problem, vs. your belief in the lies he told you.

I can't say this for sure, but if he fixes some lies, and then has access to money and has a relationship with you that is tested to last despite unsavory conditions, chances are he is going to take that newly found stability and instead of enjoying it as the be all end all, he will use it as a new launching pad.

You honestly believed his story that he only had sex with the ex-fiance? IMO, him subtracting a notch on his stick probably means that you can add a few instead.

Nobody is trying to be mean or hurtful. The fact of the matter is that some of us got scammed similarly when we were young as well. Me included. Let me tell you a story about a man in grad school (who had no BS other than B*llSh*t that is) and who had a pilot's license (but no FAA certification and Thank G*d the woman at the desk where I was going to rent a plane for us to go up called him out on it!) I got divorced from him, it was obvious in court he scammed me, he got nothing but his debt.

The last guy I dated I ran a background check on him because his story didn't really add up just from what he was telling me. Might I say he also offered me work (and some of his contractors I met whined a bit politely about pay when we were hanging out on the worksite...) His background check didn't help to improve his standing with me. It just verified that yep, although he was very attractive and we got along just great, there was deep trouble. Someone like him just is naturally good at getting along, although most people call it schmoozing.

When a guy tells a story and fills in a lot of details, and it all makes him look good, it's something known as constructive narrative. That is, he is using fiction in order to make his desires a reality. Which works for a while, but the problem is, even a good script needs a lot of money to make it into a movie. Always follow the money. My guy took out a 100K business loan, turns out he asked for 200K, and a few years ago got an SBA loan for 5K that was given to companies that couldn't get credit on the open market. He was living in his office. He claimed to have an apartment he 'didn't like' as it turns out background check showed absolutely no address or utilities in his name in that city, ever, at all.

A liar is a liar is a liar. An honest woman is a liar's best asset. That's why this guy wanted a relationship with me, to have a place to crash between both his work sites, and someone to put sweat equity into his business. While he went out and lived a playboy life style gambling ahead of the curve that his wanting success and living success would breed success. Hedging bets by having a relationship that would pay his bills and give an honest face to the business side.

So where is this ex fiance? Why did he have to move cross country for work? Maybe he is trying to either escape creditors or protect reputation, or following a woman? Hard to say.

Sure you could get a job and hire a PI, but do you really want to have a relationship with someone you have to hire a PI to check out? I did a background check because I'm doing work for one of his business partners. As it turns out, that business partner is side-stepping his involvement on a future grant application.

I know you take your vow seriously, but your H also knows that too. I am sorry to say that you were played. It's a very old game. People talk about prostitution being the oldest job in the world, but right up there is also the player. It's only escaped notice because usually men wrote history.
 

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I am sorry to say that you were played. It's a very old game. People talk about prostitution being the oldest job in the world, but right up there is also the player. It's only escaped notice because usually men wrote history.
You know this, I know this but she's young, idealistic and in love. You learned all this from the school of hard knocks and so will she unfortunately.

I hope we're both wrong but for now OP please please please protect yourself financially and emotionally. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
The company he works for is sending a LOT of people to where we just moved. It is a new branch down here and they need good people. I have talked with his managers and know the reasons we moved 900 miles away. after 2 years we can return home. His ex fiance is back home. they broke up because she cheated on him. His whole family HATED her. she was bad news.

and another thing...I know that he is honest about his sexual partners because he feels kind of ashamed that I have had so many and he had almost none. He feels like he didn't have enough experience for me. (plus i always ask to hear stories because I think its fun to talk about that kind of stuff)

also...I will ask again. PLEASE do not comment if you are going to be rude. I take great offense to some of the things that are being said. sorry things didn't work out for all of you but NOT every situation is the same.

and NO i am not hiring a PI. What exactly would be the point?? I know where he is every day. He calls me from work and I call him. I have seen his credit report now and know everything. other than student loans (which I have as well) he doesn't owe anything.

my age is irrelevant. i was only looking to vent and find another person like me who doesn't just give up on people and who believes in FORGIVENESS. who would wish me the best and try to be understanding. obviously i came to the wrong site. . .everyone here seems to just want to show pessimism and say people never change. I CHANGED...and so could he.

I understand he may never change and then YES I will be leaving. its not like I have no respect for myself. I just see that as a last resort. people are so quick to divorce. marriage should be forever...that is the point. if you don't see marriage as a FOREVER COMMITMENT then do not get married. plain and simple.

thanks

(and this is NOT directed towards the few comments I got that were nice...)
 

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If you are okay with everything just keep moving on with your life together day by day. If he can't make it with your support then you will have your answer, if he does make it with your support, then you will have your answer.

You wanted insight, and possible explanations. Nobody wants to play ping pong with their valuable life experience, sending it in response to what amounts to a call for help in a crisis, and having it volleyed back as unacceptable, or even hurtful. Nobody here is a hurtful individual. But if you are experiencing it that way, perhaps it's because you're already feeling hurt by how your husband has behaved in your marriage, which indeed was hurtful, and of course, dishonest.
 

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When faced with a crisis most people scramble to cope by minimizing and they call it looking for compassion. It's part of the process and most of us do it in the beginning. Its how our brains cope with bad news of this magnitude.

The OP needs any hope she can hold onto to get through this. She is away from friends, family, has no car, no job, nothing but this man. It therefore stands to reason why she'd want to (for the moment) screen her world from negativity until she gains inner strength.

From her posts I believe she has a good head on her shoulders and will be okay regardless of what happens. She appears to know the risks involved by staying and for the sake of holy matrimony is willing to try to work it out. I think most of us in that same situation would do the same so I get it.

To the OP I pray it works out for you. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
i truly appreciate those comments (mavash and homemaker numero uno). seeing those comments made my day today. its words like that, that I have been looking for. Just some understanding.

things are going alright. I haven't been as upset lately. my husband and I have been talking each night about what he has and hasn't lied about. it hurts hearing the lies but gives me relief that he is at least telling me now. he has admitted there are probably more lies he has to tell me but its hard to distinguish between what he has and hasn't told me. I do respect that he said that. (Last time he lied he was adamant about there being "no more lies." At least this time be seems to be trying to make an effort.

After working the last 8 days straight he finally has a day off tomorrow. Hopefully getting to talk all day will give me a little more piece of mind.

thanks again for hearing me out everyone! I will post on whether things improve or get worse.
 

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I hope he can change this. I feel so bad for you. I was in your shoes with being told there were absolutely no more lies, but in fact there were always more lies for me to uncover when I least expected to. Ongoing lies that were in existence as I was being assured that I now knew everything.

Although I eventually had to go because of the lying, I totally get that you have to process this on your own time frame, and you can't just give up without giving him every possible chance to get it and turn this around. You are a good wife. You love him. I know how much you are hurting and how shameful this is for you. Your comment about the one person you should find comfort in is the one hurting you ... wow, that totally resonated with me.

Nobody can tell you to stay, or to leave, or whether he will change. Only you can answer your own questions, and right now, you want to stay and give this a chance. You know both the good and bad parts of him and you feel it's worth trying. That's your answer.

Although I can't provide you hope by telling you that it all worked out great for me, I can offer my support by saying that I understand what you are going through and I hope it works out for you. Maybe your husband is a better man than mine was.
 
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