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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello – New to the board here. I’ve been following for quite some time and this is just the place that I know I can come to for sound advice. I find great comfort in knowing that. I will try to make this as short, sweet and simple as possible although my situation is a bit complicated.

I’m 38, have a 19 year old daughter and he is 37 with two small daughters from a previous marriage. We have lived together for going on five years in September. Things happened rather quickly for us. He was separated when we got together and just finalized their divorce last year. Now, I’m wife material. Want nothing more than to settle down. I love and I love unconditionally and selflessly. I’m amazing to him and his children. Am more than a stepmom and live in “pretend” wife. I’m ready for commitment and for marriage and would like to know where our future is headed. It’s been long enough in where he should know, right? Well, it’s been rather difficult with him. Every time I bring up the subject of marriage he won’t discuss it in lots of detail and I have to argue to get ANYTHING out of him. He says different things at different times. That if he could be engaged to me right now he would and that he does have intentions of marrying me, however, he can’t afford to buy a ring. Sometimes he says that marriage is just a piece of paper, why can’t I just be content with how it is? When I tell him that I at least would like some form of commitment, maybe a ring he goes on to say how is that showing commitment?

Our lease is up in June and I’m wanting to buy or rent in a more “home” type of environment as we live in an apartment now. He wants to move to the city that his daughters live in which is a ½ hour away from where we live now. It’s a bit too far for me from my family, my daughter’s college, my job, etc. so I’m willing to COMPROMISE on somewhere in between. Well, when we picked up his daughters last Friday I wanted to have the “talk” as it’s been weighing on my mind heavily. I asked him if he was open to compromising in moving to somewhere which is middle ground for both of us and he said that he has his mind set on where he wants to move and that’s all to it. That he really doesn’t want to compromise. That HE has a goal. I told him that he’s in a relationship and his goals should be about US and not only him. That if he has single minded goals that maybe he should be single. He asked “why do you want to talk about this now” and I responded with because you NEVER want to discuss our future and every time we pick up the girls and we “play” family thoughts of my future come in and where we’re headed. I do all of this and I have nothing to show for it. So he told me “there is a time and place for everything, why must you force me to talk?” so I let it go. I said can you please promise to talk to me this week? He said yes. Now that was HUGE as he is super proud and stubborn, spoiled and won’t do anything if he feels “forced” to.

Well, yesterday it weighed heavily on my mind and I was hoping to talk with him. I actually planned my entire day trying to figure out the best way to bring it up. Hoping I’d get more of a positive response. He does extra curriculars and when I say that I mean, drink beers every other day and he smokes marijuana on a daily basis. Yesterday, when I was getting ready to approach him I asked him first if he ate a special brownie that I knew he had and he said yes. I said bummer, I was hoping to talk to you tonight. He said, why do you need to talk now? Do you need to be such a Debbie Downer when you know I’m high? Now is not the time. So I got really upset. I said WHEN is the time?! I’ve been wanting to talk to you for the longest time and it’s NEVER the time. He said that I force him to talk and that I expect him to say what I want to hear when I want to hear it. I said that’s not true. You can NEVER talk about anything that is important to ME. After four years and going on five years I deserve a conversation about where your thoughts are regarding the future. I told him that it can’t be his way or the highway every time. So his response was “yes it is though, with this situation it is”. So I told him that’s your answer? You won’t even discuss with me? I’m so tired of living as a wife, being such a wonderful woman to you and your children and you can’t even respect me enough or love me enough to talk to me about something that is so important to me? Your spiked brownies and beers are your priority? He said that if I would have waited till later in the evening that we could talk. So I said ok, we’ll talk later. He said never mind, that I spent my dime *****ing him out and that I ruined my chance to talk. Now, I didn’t even say or do anything bad! How can I be punished for wanting to have an adult conversation?

I lost it. Started sobbing uncontrollably. I told him that I didn’t want this anymore. That if he doesn’t see a future for us to let me know so I can move on! He said that I could have waited. That he promised to talk to me this week and it was only Tuesday. I told him that it doesn’t have to be on his terms. I spend my LIFE living on his terms. I told him “can’t you see that I’m hurting that you don’t want to talk to me about anything important to me?” He said why can’t you just let nature take its course? I said because it’s been years already and you NEVER talk.

I know that he is bitter and resentful as his ex wife cheated on him and left him for another man and is now re-married. I know that he gave her the WORLD. Did everything SHE WANTED and he is bitter and resentful for that but why do I, as the GOOD woman have to suffer for what she did to him? I deserve everything that he gave her and I get the crap end of the stick?

I have sacrificed A LOT for this man. I have provided so much to him. The lease is in my name, his car was repo’d six months ago so he uses my car and I play chauffer, etc. I’ve moved in the last four years to every area he’s wanted to live in. His credit is shot due to bankruptcy and her car was in his name and she let that get repo’d as well as his current rep so he’s screwed there. I’ve been patient and tried to help him get his life together and he gets upset every time we have to talk about finances.

He is very strong minded and won’t budge. It’s his way or the highway. Now, with all that I am to him WHY can’t I get a conversation?

Now, I get that he wants to be closer to his daughters and that’s important to him but according to him he only wants to rent where they are in case his ex wife decides to move with them. She is remarried but has never been faithful to any man so I don’t see her staying in one place for long. Now, I don’t want to spend my life bouncing from home to home in order to follow her and his children around. I want to find my forever home and set a foundation for MY daughter and for my future grandchildren. I’m willing to compromise for this man meeting him halfway and he won’t do that for me?

We’re in a relationship and a couple. It’s about meeting halfway and having mutual decisions. IF we were married the conversation and my needs would be very different and I’d be more willing to do what he wants but the truth is he hasn’t even put a ring on it and won’t even discuss it with me without me having to fight it out of him. Why should I sacrifice what I want because it’s his way or the highway?

I’m just so drained and am honestly beyond depressed right now. I love this man so very much. There is so much invested. Our children, his family, my family, etc. Why can’t he meet me halfway and give me what I want? Why the stubbornness and pride?

His sisters even tell me that he’s very spoiled and narcissistic.

It hurts that he is so unwilling to open up to me (which I get that he may be stubborn because he was hurt and a wall is up) but he’s going to lose the greatest thing that has happened to him because of his “my way or the highway” mentality.

I feel so used. Like he’s just with me because I’m a convenience. He has a live in maid, cook, babysitter and a good role model for his children. I’m an attractive woman with a good job, a good head on her shoulders, want to settle down and have a good life. I feel so taken for granted.

I just want to know if I’m wrong? Am I being too impatient? Should I let “nature take its course”? Will he ever budge? Am I wasting my time? Should I move on? Should I not require marriage from him?

The thought of moving on really breaks my heart because I am 150% madly in love with him and in it for the long run.

I just feel like I’m going crazy and don’t even know what is right or wrong anymore.

I’m sorry for the lengthiness but I’m providing as many details as possible. I look forward to hearing from some of you and I thank you in advance.
 

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I'm sorry, but a 37 year old man who still smokes weed every day is never going to be grown up enough to have the kind of relationship you are hoping for. To me thats just juvenile, there comes a time when you need to grow up. His actions have made it clear that that you are not his priority, your relationship is not his priority, and he is going to do what he wants. Look how long it took to get his divorce finalized! You've been together almost five years, that that JUST got done a year ago?? It sounds like you get nothing from this relationship, you are NOT being impatient, and if marriage is what you want, I think you would do better to seek a commitment elsewhere and be glad the two of you HAVEN'T tied the knot!
 

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You've found out he's spoiled and self-centered. People in his life tell you he's spoiled and self-centered. He's showing you very clearly who he is. And he's tling you being married wont change anything. So why do you keep fighting to change him, and expecting things will magically get better once you get married. NEWSFLASH: If you do end up getting married, the odds are good that he'll change, but my bet is that it won't be for the better.

It's time to move on. Leave the drug addict and alcoholic. Let him start taking care of himself. Talk to a counsor about your codependent behaviors.

C
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I spend my LIFE living on his terms
This is where I stopped reading.

I think you know this isn't going to work. He doesn't want to marry you and you know it but are afraid to get on with it because of your investment.

Get out of this relationship. He's not going to give you what you want. You need to get yourself back and stop living life on HIS terms.
 

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My opinion is from EXPERIENCE ...omg...too much in this department.

If he hasn't done it already, HE WILL NOT DO IT.

And why should he? He has the "family unit" without having to do it anyway.
 

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The thought of moving on really breaks my heart because I am 150% madly in love with him and in it for the long run.
OK I read further and caught this.

If this is really how you feel you need to drop the marriage talk altogether. You can't say you feel that way and then on the other hand have fits because you don't have a ring on it. IN IT FOR THE LONG RUN means with or without the ring, you'll be his ride or die girl.

Be honest with yourself first. Be true to what you want in this life. If you want to be a wife, fine, but you may NEVER be this mans wife. You have to be ok with that if you want to be with THIS man.
 

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Will he open up? No, he is up himself.
Will he commit? Why on earth would you want him to?!

Please take a step back and look at your relationship from the outside in. Do you see a happy woman? Or do you see a wonderful woman who wants to be a great wife, but has somehow found a terrible example of a man to do that with?

I hate to be really frank, but he is taking the pi*s. Don't stand for it!
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks everyone! There has been so much involved. I’m the first woman he took home to his family after a long time. I have such a strong relationship with his sisters and family and so does my daughter.

When I say in it for the long run it means that I’m willing to commit to him 100% for the rest of my life. This is how much I love him but I do want marriage and a commitment. To settle down and do things the right way.

I just don’t get why he was so different to his ex wife. He has so much respect for her even after all that she put him through, etc. and I get this guarded man who doesn’t respect what I need/want when I’m so good to him?

Is it time to give him an ultimatum or do I just leave him?

Do you think this is just who he is? I get nervous that I’ll hear not too long from now that he’s settled down and married to another woman. The thought of that crushes me.

I’m sorry I’m just so down in the dumps right now. Almost didn’t make it in to work today.
 

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You being good to him should be just that. You give because you want to give, not because you expect some type of reward for what you do... which is what you're sounding like you want. A gold star.

Truth? He's a taker, you're a giver. He may have been a giver once, but he got burnt that way. Your fault? NOPE. He's just chosen at this time in his life this is who he will be. You can accept that and take things day by day (not looking a year into the future) or you can stop all of it and say your peace and leave.

You've been there almost 5 years. Any sane person would see that's plenty of time to get to know a person, invest love and share your life with to know if you want to do it forever. The problem comes when the other person in your equation is not on the same page with you. You're in the same book but he's a few chapters behind you. You are the one with the cards... play the ultimatum and be prepared to walk if he doesn't comply, or stick it out and keep riding this by the seat of your pants. Maybe it will happen and maybe it won't, but that's part of the adventure that's appealing. You don't know how it's going to end up.

And this is from experience: A side note about ultimatums and marriage... if he agrees, it will always bother you that you had to threaten him in order for him to marry you. I promise you it will always haunt you that this man you love so much didn't WANT you the same way. You'll always feel like he chose you out of fear, or some other convenience, not because he couldn't imagine his life without you.
 

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I spend my LIFE living on his terms.
And that won't change one little bit if you were to get married.

You say you're madly in love with him, but I don't see why. What exactly is it that you are attracted to? The drama? Wanting what you can't have? Your fantasy of how things could be "if only" he were a whole different person than he actually is?

He may be divorced now, but he is not able to be the man you want him to be.
 

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I just don’t get why he was so different to his ex wife. He has so much respect for her even after all that she put him through, etc. and I get this guarded man who doesn’t respect what I need/want when I’m so good to him?
Because maybe he is still in love with his ex. You are his rebound relationship. Do some research on it. If his wife cheated & left him, it probably broke his heart very deeply. Then you, a wonderful woman, came along to help mend his broken heart but I don't think his love for you is as deep as it was for his ex...who he married.

I am so sorry but he is not as "in to you" as you are him.

Why wait what could be years for him to marry you? He is very clearly telling you he is not ready to marry again. You are probably the best thing that has ever happened to him, but he can't see it & may never. It all has to do with timing. You started dating a man who wasn't even divorced & didn't want to get divorced.

Can you see how the above has created the situation you are in now?

Find another man who is free in his heart to love & marry you the way you deserve.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
Hello and thank you Emerald - He married her because she got pregnant. According to him, she cheated and left him and she wanted to work it out and he didn't. I do speak with her and she did confirm that she cheated on him and wants nothing to do with him.

Not sure what to believe.

There was one other girl before me that he dated and left her to be with me so I don't think I'm the first rebound girl. Just the girl he "settled down" with.

If he's not serious why include me as a "family member" to his family, etc.? He spends all of his time with me, etc.

Do you think he's just afraid of getting hurt again so he's emotionally just scared?

I feel like he respects her because she puts her foot down to him. She has control because of the kids, etc.

She was also very abusive to him. She cheated for the entire time they were together. They separated almost two years before he got with me so they weren't even in a relationship. Just holding on for the kids. She didn't want him though.

Where I'm more of a doormat who sticks by his side because of unconditional love for him but that has gotten me nowhere.

Do you think a 180 or what do I need to do in order to get respect again? For him to look at me seriously?
 

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Do you think a 180 or what do I need to do in order to get respect again? For him to look at me seriously?
His stance isn't necessarily about you or what you are or aren't doing. It's about what he wants to do or don't do. YOU have no control over that. Nobody wants someone else telling them what to do when you think about it.

He could love you and your life together AS IS. THIS is what you need to wrap your brain around.
 

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Thanks everyone! There has been so much involved. I’m the first woman he took home to his family after a long time. I have such a strong relationship with his sisters and family and so does my daughter.

When I say in it for the long run it means that I’m willing to commit to him 100% for the rest of my life. This is how much I love him but I do want marriage and a commitment. To settle down and do things the right way.

I just don’t get why he was so different to his ex wife. He has so much respect for her even after all that she put him through, etc. and I get this guarded man who doesn’t respect what I need/want when I’m so good to him?

Is it time to give him an ultimatum or do I just leave him?

Do you think this is just who he is? I get nervous that I’ll hear not too long from now that he’s settled down and married to another woman. The thought of that crushes me.

I’m sorry I’m just so down in the dumps right now. Almost didn’t make it in to work today.
You say you're in it for the long run. That means you either need to accept that you're getting the best he is ever going to offer you and be satisfied, or stop being in it for the long run.

He's not willing to commit to you. All of his excuses are just his idea of breaking the news to you in a "soft" way. In other words, "I'm not going to budge and you can like it or lump it, but I will not tell you this because I won't give up the benefits I get until I have no choice."

As far as your question about giving an ultimatum or leaving... I don't think an ultimatum is going to work for you. Even if he gives in, it will come back to haunt you. "You forced me."

If you simply say, "It's clear that we aren't looking for the same thing from this relationship, and I'm worth more than what you're willing to offer me, so I'm making my own plans. I'll be moving out on the (DATE)" you'll stand a better chance of him coming around. Either way, though, you would benefit from learning to live your life for you and yours and to eject anyone who gets in the way of that. Stop making excuses for him! Please check out http://jellygator.hubpages.com/hub/Decode-Mixed-Signals
 

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Yep. I agree with Kathy... excuses are monuments to nothing. He doesn't want to marry you. There's nothing else behind it.

Maybe someday. Maybe not.
 

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What i took from your post is that you claim to be 'in love' with a man who gives you nothing that you need. This tells me that you have very bad self esteem.

A 37 yr old man who smokes weed and drinks every day is not someone you should be desperate to marry. Again, this displays low self esteem.

Dump the loser and work on yourself.

Good luck.
 

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From your posts, I gather that he is not even doing 1/10th of what he should be to keep you with him...and you're both not even married yet...
why do you think he would do anything at all for you once you both are indeed married...it'd only get worse since you would have officially signed a bond that you'd be his live in maid, cook, babysitter and a good role model for his children forever.

And as to answer your other question (where I guess you know the answer yourself) - the heart always pines for what it does not have - He pines for his ex and you for him...
 

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He is showing you who he is and telling you all you need to know....with what he says and doesnt say, with what he does and doesnt do.You're not listening! You're wearing blinders! He does not value you or the relationship nearly as much as you do, not nearly as you deserve. Is that what you want? He doesnt deserve all the love and care you show him.LReally look at all the aspects of him that make you unhappy. Those things wont magically change or dissapear if he puts a ring on your finger nor do you ever want to pressure someone into marrying you when they clearly dont want to. Accept it and find someone who will give you all the things you have to offer....willingly, happily.
 

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He's got no reason to do things your way, you've made it very easy for him to make it his way or the highway because he knows you won't boot him, you've expressed nothing less than unconditional love for the better part of 5 years.

Or at least that's what he thinks.

Tell him it's over and he's the one whose got to leave since it's your apartment.

Expect resistance and lots of false promises to make it right.

If he does take positive real steps to make it right you can always reconsider but plan to follow through if nothing comes of it.
 
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