[Member 11]

My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We have become really distant from one another and I feel like our marriage is in a slow decline. We are outwardly happy. My career is doing great, our home is beautiful, finances are in great shape, and I get a lot of satisfaction from other things.

We do not have any children together. She has a child that was born from when we were separated for some time. That child is 15. I am in my mid 40s (as is my wife) and its started to bother me much more to not have any children of my own. I assume its far too late for her to get pregnant (she is 43) and we haven't had any success naturally in the past. I do want a child that I can raise and love. There is an emptiness in me. I think a child could bring us closer. I want to have a son and do some of those father-son things.

I haven't done my research into the whole adopting, surrogacy, etc processes to know what is best for us. Money probably should not be an issue.

I am going to bring the topic up with my wife soon and was hoping to hear some other perspectives. Will it bring us closer. Bad idea? Good idea?

I think she will be receptive to the idea but if she is not, it may be a deal-breaker for me.

 

[FirstYearDown]

How long were you separated? Where is the 15 year old now?

 

[Member 11]

Separated 6 months when it happened. We reconciled and then she found out she was pregnant. I decided to stay. In retrospect probably the wrong decision but I was younger and thought it was the right thing to do. The 15 year old lives with us. I am not really a parent to her though.

 

[Advocado]

No, probably not (and I think you already know this). There are plenty of people who have a child together who are divorced/not close.

I would say you need to work out why you are not close before adopting or having a child together.

 

[Advocado]

When and why did you stop feeling close?

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

How does your wife feel about adopting? I would not adopt if she had any doubts about it.

A child will not bring you two closer together. Both of you have to put your marriage as your number one priority and work on meeting each others needs in order to get that closeness.

 

[Member 11]

I really want a child of my own. I think if it brought us closer, great. If not, same place we are in now except I have a son to raise and focus on. There is like an emptiness to my life right now. I've been trying to figure out what it is and I think it is never having a child of my own.

I just sort of feel like if we are doing all of the parenting things together its inevitable we will become closer. We'll have something or someone to be a team for.

When did we stop being close?

I would say a long time ago. The last time I felt close to her was ten years ago. Its been a messy marriage in that I've been repeatedly unfaithful (never caught). She has arguably been unfaithful (since she was intimate with someone else while we were legally married). Somehow it still works. We are good friends and I can talk to her about things like I can't with anyone else. I think she knows me. She tries to be supportive and I know my marriage could be worse. I am content enough.

How does my wife feel about adopting?

I haven't asked her yet. If she says no she doesn't want to... I will be very bitter and angry. Considering I've spent my money on her child, when I ask about a child if she was to say no it would be very infuriating. I can't imagine her saying no. If she does, I don't know what the reasoning would be.

If it came to her saying she doesn't want another child, I would leave. I'm certain of it. But I really think she would be open to it. I don't know why she would have any doubts.

 

[Maricha75]

Separated 6 months when it happened. We reconciled and then she found out she was pregnant. I decided to stay. In retrospect probably the wrong decision but I was younger and thought it was the right thing to do. The 15 year old lives with us. I am not really a parent to her though.

Does the 15 year old see her bio dad? Also, how well do you hide the fact that you don't see her as your child? Obviously, she is not, but was there ever a time when you thought of her as yours, or treated her as yours? And, whose name is on her birth certificate?

I have to echo the sentiment of the other posters regarding a child bringing you closer together. It is highly unlikely, tbh. Really, it seems you harbor resentment toward her for having another man's child. That isn't going to go away easily. And no, I don't blame you in any way for being upset about it. But having a child, even adopting a child, when your marriage is already having problems doesn't help the situation. More than likely, it will only make those problems appear worse...or they actually WILL be worse.

One of my friends adopted a baby last year. They were already having marital troubles. Once the baby got here, they got worse. They are now divorcing.

Anyway, just think about it some more and try to talk to your wife about all of this. I wish you luck, no matter what happens.

 

[Member 11]

Does the 15 year old see her bio dad? Also, how well do you hide the fact that you don't see her as your child? Obviously, she is not, but was there ever a time when you thought of her as yours, or treated her as yours? And, whose name is on her birth certificate?

I have to echo the sentiment of the other posters regarding a child bringing you closer together. It is highly unlikely, tbh. Really, it seems you harbor resentment toward her for having another man's child. That isn't going to go away easily. And no, I don't blame you in any way for being upset about it. But having a child, even adopting a child, when your marriage is already having problems doesn't help the situation. More than likely, it will only make those problems appear worse...or they actually WILL be worse.

One of my friends adopted a baby last year. They were already having marital troubles. Once the baby got here, they got worse. They are now divorcing.

Anyway, just think about it some more and try to talk to your wife about all of this. I wish you luck, no matter what happens.

Lot of questions.

15 year old DOES NOT see me as her father. I've never taken on that role with her. Its always "Ryan". Not dad or daddy. I work a lot too. So I am not the home everyday. We get along. I'm not particularly close to her but its not like I hate her.

The biological father's name is on the birth certificate. Since he is the father. He has not seen her in a long time. When she was younger (like infant aged) he saw her a few times. Hasn't seen her in a decade+. Is not involved in her life.

I've never tried to take on that role of father. This is my wife's child. She is an awesome mother. I help out financially of course.

With all due respect this post is not about my wife's child. I'm not sure what the point of this questioning is.

We aren't having marital troubles per say. Its just very boring and unfulfilling. A child may help with that I think. And I have been in individual counseling and this is something I've sort of come to realize I need. If not with my wife then by myself or with someone else.

 

[Maricha75]

With all due respect this post is not about my wife's child. I'm not sure what the point of this questioning is.

This is why I asked about your step-daughter:

I haven't asked her yet. If she says no she doesn't want to... I will be very bitter and angry. Considering I've spent my money on her child, when I ask about a child if she was to say no it would be very infuriating. I can't imagine her saying no. If she does, I don't know what the reasoning would be.

We aren't having marital troubles per say. Its just very boring and unfulfilling. A child may help with that I think. And I have been in individual counseling and this is something I've sort of come to realize I need. If not with my wife then by myself or with someone else.

This contradicts the above:

I would say a long time ago. The last time I felt close to her was ten years ago. Its been a messy marriage in that I've been repeatedly unfaithful (never caught). She has arguably been unfaithful (since she was intimate with someone else while we were legally married). Somehow it still works. We are good friends and I can talk to her about things like I can't with anyone else. I think she knows me. She tries to be supportive and I know my marriage could be worse. I am content enough.

I really want a child of my own. I think if it brought us closer, great. If not, same place we are in now except I have a son to raise and focus on. There is like an emptiness to my life right now. I've been trying to figure out what it is and I think it is never having a child of my own.

I just sort of feel like if we are doing all of the parenting things together its inevitable we will become closer. We'll have something or someone to be a team for.


If it came to her saying she doesn't want another child, I would leave. I'm certain of it. But I really think she would be open to it. I don't know why she would have any doubts.

Parenting a child together is more likely to bring you close regarding the CHILD, not each other, considering the things you have said about your relationship. But, it is your choice, ultimately. If you think she will agree, then ask her. However, more often than not, in situations you have stated above, it drives a bigger wedge between the parents. Be prepared, either way.

 

[Lyris]

Why didn't you adopt your wife's child? If you couldn't form a bond with her, why do you think it would be any different with an adopted child?

Anyway, no, I don't think bringing a child into your marriage will make you closer. Children strain marriages, they don't enhance them.

 

[Member 11]

Why didn't I adopt that child?

Too much bad blood with how she was conceived. It wasn't with my support or consent. It would be different because this time I WANT to be a parent. I would have a bond with this potential child.

So if the choice was to bring a child into this marriage or leave, what would you all suggest?

 

[Maricha75]

I won't suggest either option, honestly. I would suggest discussing with your wife what has been discussed here, and see where HER mind/heart are.

 

[Sbrown]

Children strain the strongest marriage and destroy the weaker ones. DO NOT bring an innocent child into your dysfunctional marriage.

 

[Maricha75]

You know what... I agree with Sbrown. Don't bring a child into this relationship... not at this time. If you and your wife can get things back on track, then revisit the idea. But also... and I know you are going to balk at this... make a real effort with your step-daughter. Think about it. Even if you adopt a child, which will not be yours, biologically, she is going to see you lavish your love on THAT child, and wonder "why was I not good enough for his love?"... First steps... get right with your wife AND your step-daughter. Make the effort with her or there is going to be a LOT of resentment ALL around if there is another child brought into the mix.

 

[PBear]

Leave, if your options are bringing a child into the relationship or leaving. Your relationship is dysfunctional. The stress of a new child is not likely to "fix" anything.

C

 

[costa200]

Separated 6 months when it happened. We reconciled and then she found out she was pregnant.

Most likely bullcrap... She probably knew already and needed a dad cuz the other dude was probably not daddy material (as confirmed by him not seeing his daughter in years).

I decided to stay. In retrospect probably the wrong decision but I was younger and thought it was the right thing to do.

How did you figure that one out?

Well, this ain't a stable marriage and considering everything i would say it would probably not survive the stress of raising a child.

So if the choice was to bring a child into this marriage or leave, what would you all suggest?

Neither. Fix the marriage first (new child isn't medicine for this) and then talk about options.

 

[golfergirl]

Why didn't you adopt your wife's child? If you couldn't form a bond with her, why do you think it would be any different with an adopted child?

Anyway, no, I don't think bringing a child into your marriage will make you closer. Children strain marriages, they don't enhance them.

I agree. If you want a bond with a child, make one with the one who has been in your life all along.
You say you aren't home because of work, you make all these excuses why you can't be a parent to her so why would your next child be any different?
The 'father-son' bond or 'mother-daughter' bonds are highly overrated. I have both sons and a daughter and are just as close with my boys.
Unless planning on adopting an older child, you have years of high stress and thankless 'work' ahead of you before the 'relationship' starts.
And to be perfectly honest, the way you 'dismiss' your stepdaughter (by your own admission), plus the cheating and the admission you'll go in to a bitter pout if you don't get your wish, you sound like a nightmare of a spouse.
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[Maricha75]

I agree. If you want a bond with a child, make one with the one who has been in your life all along.
You say you aren't home because of work, you make all these excuses why you can't be a parent to her so why would your next child be any different?
The 'father-son' bond or 'mother-daughter' bonds are highly overrated. I have both sons and a daughter and are just as close with my boys.
Unless planning on adopting an older child, you have years of high stress and thankless 'work' ahead of you before the 'relationship' starts.
And to be perfectly honest, the way you 'dismiss' your stepdaughter (by your own admission), plus the cheating and the admission you'll go in to a bitter pout if you don't get your wish, you sound like a nightmare of a spouse.
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YES YES YES!!!! :iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

[golfergirl]

Can't imagine why your wife would say no? Well as a 43 year old mom to a 20, 17, and 4 year old as well as a 22 month you, when you see the light at the end of the tunnel with a child at 15, you see freedom and don't want to necessarily start all over. Raising kids is hard work and not everyone is cut out for 30 years of parenting. Especially is she shouldered the hands on parenting for her daughter.
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