Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 30 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,385 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Not sure to post here but it kinda does come up in here so someone can move if they choose

I've noticed in the DD CM thread again a comment about the 'I had never had my wild sex time in my early 20's' as a subconscious delayed excuse for later straying outside the marriage.

In mstbxw it built up 'inside' and in my own marriage become a weird retrospective back dated area for great resentment that was later flung at me as one of the few odd reasons for her later behavior

Frankly I think that's complete b***ocks. If you happily fell in love with someone and during that time were happy and fulfilled how can you then ten years later start using it as a reason for previous 'resentment and unhappiness !!?? mmm...

However I have noticed this 'reason' appearing more and more and have not noticed it said by men!

I probably am wrong but really this is an exclusive woman thing as far as I can see and I've noticed it more and more. One of my best friends said last night to me his wife a couple of years ago said the same thing

So girls is this a factor in your psyche?

I have not honestly heard this from a man once - maybe I've missed it.

Personally I never felt that and I did also explain to my stbxw "it's also not all it's cracked up to be either so you probably did'nt miss that much" but she went on to sow her wild oats in her later 20's and throughout her 30's as it seems almost some kind of weird punishment

Is this a girl thing ?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,165 Posts
No, and it's just an excuse anyway. Both my ex and I had done plenty of wild oat sowing before we met. In fact he always use it as the reason he would never stray....:rolleyes:

In my opinion doing so when you're 18 is a hell of a lot different to doing it when you're 35 anway - it's not just about having lots of sex, it's about being young and carefree and having no responsibilities and being adventurous. Bit different when you've got kids and a mortgage to pay and have to get up for work at 6am. Women who suddenly say they want to do this are just looking for an excuse to walk away from a relationship I reckon
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,696 Posts
How can "i didn't try enough penises" sound good as an excuse. I really don't get that!

There isn't some sort of entitled quota of penises you can try when you're young or when you're older. If a guy ever tried to use similar stuff as an excuse he would be crucified anywhere.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
610 Posts
Yes, it's a girl thing.

I've said this before and I guess I will say it again now. Women love to chase things. An unfair but quick and generally true way to put it is to say that women are drama queens- a sentiment that is a bit accurate but is by no means complete. They love a mystery and more so they love to be the ones who solve it. They're like cats-- they'll chase something around until it stops moving, and then they simply don't care.

Wanting is better than having. It is not logical, but it is often true.

You find a homeless dog, and take him in, feed him, brush him, raise him, vaccinate him and love him... that dog is going to think you're God.

If you do the same thing to a cat she's going to think she's God.

I can't tell you the number of cases where couples come in, and the woman has cheated and yet has no fault or blame to put on her husband- the one who provides, loves, and sacrifices for her. I ask them why, what hole is in their lives that causes them to resort to this kind of horrible behavior.

They try to conjure up reasons, all of them complex and verbose, but the truth is they're just bored and greedy. And that is a horrible combination; people do some of the worst things when they're bored and greedy, as you no doubt know. I see it happening all the time, and then I come here and try not to laugh when people act like there's some mysterious key that must be discovered. I'm telling you. You treat a woman like a queen, she will one day despise you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,979 Posts
I sowed a few oats, but I regret it more or less. It's fun in the moment but also empty and vacuous.

That said, I never dreamed of cheating or straying, and my H, for whom I was #2, did. So go figure.

I agree with what everyone seems to be saying--when a cheater wants to cheat, they have to rationalize it. This is because they took vows of life-long fidelity. So to do what you want in violation of those vows, you have to come up with some good-to-you reasons. Whichever one is handy will do. The ultimate "why," always is, because I was too selfish and/or cowardly to stop myself or to ask for a divorce or counseling. The 'wild oats' thing just assuages their consciences.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
610 Posts
I sowed a few oats, but I regret it more or less. It's fun in the moment but also empty and vacuous.

That said, I never dreamed of cheating or straying, and my H, for whom I was #2, did. So go figure.

I agree with what everyone seems to be saying--when a cheater wants to cheat, they have to rationalize it. This is because they took vows of life-long fidelity. So to do what you want in violation of those vows, you have to come up with some good-to-you reasons. Whichever one is handy will do. The ultimate "why," always is, because I was too selfish and/or cowardly to stop myself or to ask for a divorce or counseling. The 'wild oats' thing just assuages their consciences.
Your good example here really shows that we cannot constrain anyone to a particular mold, even if we see general patterns emerging from the masses. I'm sorry for what you've gone through. Cheating is horrible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
It is the female excuse for becoming a *****.

On a personal note, I became a mother and wife at age 20. I am now 34. While I do have a bucket list, one of which was to dance on a bar, it is kept clean. I got to dance on the bar top at the place I work in jeans and a baseball jersey with my girl friends. And we do go out an have a few drinks, but I am always the one keeping the girls in line. I am known as "Mom" to my coworkers and customers. There are plenty of women that did not "sow the oats" in their 20s, but remain classy and faithful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,246 Posts
I met my ex at 16, he took my virginity, I stayed with him for 14 years and never strayed on him despite a really lousy marriage. Got married to my current hubby 11 1/2 years ago, he was my second, and I have never strayed on him either despite him doing so to me. I have never really felt the urge to 'gather wild oats' either, despite a libido spike about 15 years ago that hasn't really gone away. So I call BS.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
How can "i didn't try enough penises" sound good as an excuse. I really don't get that!

There isn't some sort of entitled quota of penises you can try when you're young or when you're older. If a guy ever tried to use similar stuff as an excuse he would be crucified anywhere.
Good point. If you feel you haven't yet sown all your wild oats....than DON'T GET MARRIED.

It is socially acceptable for single people to have sex today. No reason to get married if you don't really love someone enough to commit to them.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,718 Posts
I'm telling you. You treat a woman like a queen, she will one day despise you.
Although I like your post in it's entirety, I have to quibble with this part.

It needs to be modified to state:

I'm telling you if you treat the wrong type of person like a Queen or a King in a marriage they will likely disrespect you.

I really think that most cheaters man or woman don't despise their spouse, they just want some nooky on the side and feel entitled to go after it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,629 Posts
I'm not sure it's totally a woman thing. Actually, it's my husband who has, of late, expressed the sentiment that he sort of regrets not getting to "play the field" more when he was younger. He feels like he missed out on sowing his wild oats because we married young. He also clearly resents it now.

What he conveniently forgets is that we didn't have to get married. He surprised me with the proposal, totally of his own volition, and we were engaged for over a year. There was no compulsion for him to marry me, and there was plenty of time for him to get out if he didn't want to get married. He was a grown man and a college graduate. It's not like I pressured, begged, or coerced him into anything. No one's arm was twisted. It's only now, years later, that he's decided he missed out and that our relationship wasn't enough to "make up for" not getting to sow his wild oats.

It's pure rationalization, blame shifting and re-writing of history. Classic for a WS, which he is.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sara8

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
I don't believe in the wild oats theory, and the fact that every woman has to have them.

However, I do believe the "taking back some of yourself" phase that women do go through. This DOES NOT have to include sex, cheating, or chasing men. I have found (self included) that after years of putting my husband, kids, and everyone else in my life first, it is about time that I do something for myself every once in awhile. My kids are older, I no longer have sleepless nights. I now have more time to work out, meet friends for coffee, etc. I also have more energy to do so.

Problem that I have seen is men who have issues with this. They don't want things/their wife to change. Change is inevitable. People grow and change.
 
1 - 20 of 30 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top