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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all, been a while since I posted. I have not updated my original thread since there has been no evidence such far as for infidelity.

Quick summary:
Been married 15 years. 2 kids.
She s 38 I am 45.
She works at large well know company in executive position.
I am a SAHD but going back to school next year to change careers.
Been MAPing for 9 months.
I'm in shape, 5' 11'' weigh 180. Eat healthy.
Since I've lost 22 pounds my drive is alive and could have sex 3-4 x a week.


Infidelity suspicion of wife:
Started last year, was watching how her and neighbor talked and acted toward each other. Bunch of red flags. I confronted with no evidence and most likely was gaslighted. Bought GPS and VAR after confronting her.
GPS showed nothing. VAR recorded 4 strange incidents of her talking to herself over 8 month period. Nothing concrete but they were strange.


So back in spring/summer my MAPing showed progress. Sex was 1-2 times a week and that was her initiating most of time. Fast forward to sept-early oct. sex was down to 1 time a week or once every 2 weeks.

Now to the UTI part.
For the past 5 years she has had a scrip fir UTI's. macrobid. So for all those years her OGYBN told her to take one or two the day after sex. Everything was fine. Well, starting in oct she would complain about getting UTI's after sex. Still taking the meds and she would say they are not working. So I made an appt to see her OBGYN. Thinking she could get stronger meds. She went to appt and was able to get Cipro...but her doc said go see a urologist.

Cipro worked good and I would ask her a day after sex if UTI's were still a problem. She said no, but her stomach/bladder area felt hard. Like she was bloated. And appearance is her thing and would complain her clothes would not fit right for work.
So she tells me we have to cool it down regarding sex until urologist appt at end of year. I said you are saying you don't want to have sex till the appt at end of year? She mumbles her words and said she did not mean that. I say, well we could do other things...she gets all pissed at me suggesting bjs or handjobs.

Sooo, this morning she says her stomach is hard (no UTI's) and her clothes are tight. I say we need to find out what's wrong and get it fixed. She says well what if urologist tells her she can't have sex anymore. I tell her that's not an option for me. I ask her how she feels about dr. saying for her not have sex anymore. She answers, well if they can't find anything wrong then I can't deal with feeling this way after sex. Meaning her feeling bloated and her clothes don't fit.

So I am stuck in a corner. At this point I look like a bad husband for wanting sex and not caring a out her bloating/UTI's. I suggest other things to do and she gets pissed thinking i am only looking for me to get off.
As for the chronic UTI's, in the past we both make sure we are showered and clean.

5 years ago she went to urologist and had everything checked out. Did the scan, ultrasound, dye injected into bladder. They found nothing.


So in conclusion what I am thinking is she was trying to come up with a way to not have sex. Her option was to use the UTI's as an excuse. There is absolutely no way for me to know if she has one. Her comments about urologist was very strange. And she pretty much has me at the point where I can't tell her she is lying. She knows that at urologist appt they will not be doing test in office. It's just a consultation. Test most likely will be January or February.

I am trying to be a supportive husband but these comments just don't sound right coming from her...
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Sooo, this morning she says her stomach is hard (no UTI's) and her clothes are tight. I say we need to find out what's wrong and get it fixed. She says well what if urologist tells her she can't have sex anymore. I tell her that's not an option for me. I ask her how she feels about dr. saying for her not have sex anymore. She answers, well if they can't find anything wrong then I can't deal with feeling this way after sex. Meaning her feeling bloated and her clothes don't fit.
Is she unwilling to continue looking for a solution? Is she willing to consult with a specialist, see other doctors, and consider other treatments?

If she is not, then clearly sex (and you) is not important enough for her to work on this. With this knowledge, you need to figure out what you want to do.
 

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I'm a woman and that all sounds like a load of sh$t. First of all of your body is that unbalanced that you get a UTI every time you have sex, something else is wrong. And taking more and more anti biotics is going to make it worse. If she really has this issue she needs to go to someone who will help her get her immune system
back in order instead of constantly killing all the good bacteria.

Second her thing about feeling bloated after sex, I have never ever heard of that and it sounds like such a lie to me. And it's bad enough that her clothes don't fit? What the hell? Seriously a load of crap. My gut tells me she is just not wanting to have sex and this is her excuse. Whether she is having an affair, I don't know. But she's is making up excuses.
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I would be concerned that her response wasn't something like "we'll have to get a second opinion" or something. Have you tried going to these appointments with her? Tell her sometimes two sets of ears are better than one, and this affects you both.

I've only had one UTI, but I've never heard of what you are describing. It does sound like excuses to me, but again I'm a doctor.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Is she unwilling to continue looking for a solution? Is she willing to consult with a specialist, see other doctors, and consider other treatments?

If she is not, then clearly sex (and you) is not important enough for her to work on this. With this knowledge, you need to figure out what you want to do.

She is willing to find out what's wrong. Urologist appt is end of year. My problem is with her comments. I would find it highly unlikely a urologist would tell her to not have sex ever again. That's what she said to me. Her exact comment..."what if urologist tells me I can't have sex anymore". While her looking down then peeking up to see my reaction.
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I'm a woman and that all sounds like a load of sh$t. First of all of your body is that unbalanced that you get a UTI every time you have sex, something else is wrong. And taking more and more anti biotics is going to make it worse. If she really has this issue she needs to go to someone who will help her get her immune system
back in order instead of constantly killing all the good bacteria.

Second her thing about feeling bloated after sex, I have never ever heard of that and it sounds like such a lie to me. And it's bad enough that her clothes don't fit? What the hell? Seriously a load of crap. My gut tells me she is just not wanting to have sex and this is her excuse. Whether she is having an affair, I don't know. But she's is making up excuses.
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Feeling bloated is the new one...it's after the UTI's are gone She is saying her stomach is hard and says she thinks it could be something with bladder. She tells me because of years of getting UTI's she is afraid it may be bladder cancer????

And yeah, right now she is more concerned how her clothes fit for work than anything else. So I'm thinking its another excuse for not having sex. I really think she is trying to plant in her head and mine that these excuses are a way out of having sex.

That's where I am stuck. I can't prove the UTI's or hard bladder thing and she knows this. It's her "out". Makes me look like an idiot to confront her, gives her ammo to mark me as an uncaring husband because of her "condition".
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The urologist probably won't say "no sex" in the consultation. He will advise she go for tests.

Then you and her both go to the follow-up consultation and you hear the results in person. I doubt it will be "no sex".
 

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This problem is real, it exists and its horrible. I lived it for a period of 5 years. The abx eventually stop working when the bacteria mutate and become resistant to the meds. Basically it sounds like she is taking enough abx to kill most of the bacteria, but not all of it. And any little thing that irritates that area...like sex...brings on the symptoms of UTI. It is horrible, miserable, and easy to get depressed over it. So, please consider that she may not be lying. I had to take three rounds of long term abx (three different cultures) over a year to finally be free of the problem.

You should press her to find a solution though. Doctors have a tendency to write you a script and push you out the door, especially for something as "mundane" as a UTI. She has to be willing to press for answers and advocate for herself. If I was suffering, there's no way I would be willing to wait that long to get in to the urologist! You should offer to go with her to the appts. Not to verify whether she is telling the truth but to be there for her. Offer sympathy that she feels so crappy all the time, but be firm that she needs to keep seeking a solution for her health and your marriage.

The urologist is not going to tell her she can never have sex again. She was probably speaking out in a moment of frustration, especially if she feels you don't understand what she is going through.

After you give her your sympathy, then you should have a convo with her about how important sex is and why - tell her that you don't just view it as a release, etc. Tell her you expect her to work with you to come up with a reasonable solution that will help with her health and keeping the marriage alive.
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I'm a woman and that all sounds like a load of sh$t. First of all of your body is that unbalanced that you get a UTI every time you have sex, something else is wrong. And taking more and more anti biotics is going to make it worse. If she really has this issue she needs to go to someone who will help her get her immune system
back in order instead of constantly killing all the good bacteria.

Second her thing about feeling bloated after sex, I have never ever heard of that and it sounds like such a lie to me. And it's bad enough that her clothes don't fit? What the hell? Seriously a load of crap. My gut tells me she is just not wanting to have sex and this is her excuse. Whether she is having an affair, I don't know. But she's is making up excuses.
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At one time the wife was getting UTI's after sex constantly....Turned out her gyno was treating her for endometriosis by burning it off her cervix....She developed an infection in the burned area which entered her urethra after sex BINGO UTI. I fired her gyno....
 
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