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From a conversation we had today, that got heated. This sums up her thoughts, on paper I'm a good husband, but am I the right one for her she doesn't know. She's on a path of self discovery, can't nor won't have an answer till January do to the fact she'll have a job and won't be in school so she can rest assured that her decision comes from the thought she could support herself if worse comes to worse. She's not actively pursuing anyone other than herself. Along with shes doing this not to spite me or hurt me, that's it's been years building up, but she can't decide basically if it's her issues alone, or issues with the marriage. I've already talked to the kids and laid it out instead of it being some big surprise to them, of course only the oldest knows truly the problem at hand. I'll be in touch with the necessary people starting tomorrow.
What a load of bovine excrement.
 

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From a conversation we had today, that got heated. This sums up her thoughts, on paper I'm a good husband, but am I the right one for her she doesn't know. She's on a path of self discovery, can't nor won't have an answer till January do to the fact she'll have a job and won't be in school so she can rest assured that her decision comes from the thought she could support herself if worse comes to worse. She's not actively pursuing anyone other than herself. Along with shes doing this not to spite me or hurt me, that's it's been years building up, but she can't decide basically if it's her issues alone, or issues with the marriage. I've already talked to the kids and laid it out instead of it being some big surprise to them, of course only the oldest knows truly the problem at hand. I'll be in touch with the necessary people starting tomorrow.
Translation:
She wants to do whatever and whomever she wants and live the single life behind your back but have you waiting in the wings to clean up her crap should she fail to successfully find a new guy and monkey-branch.

I say if she wants to act single, make her single. Cut off all of the support you give to her now, all off it, financial and emotional, file for divorce and make her live the single life she wants as a single person.
 

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From a conversation we had today, that got heated. This sums up her thoughts, on paper I'm a good husband, but am I the right one for her she doesn't know. She's on a path of self discovery, can't nor won't have an answer till January do to the fact she'll have a job and won't be in school so she can rest assured that her decision comes from the thought she could support herself if worse comes to worse. She's not actively pursuing anyone other than herself. Along with shes doing this not to spite me or hurt me, that's it's been years building up, but she can't decide basically if it's her issues alone, or issues with the marriage. I've already talked to the kids and laid it out instead of it being some big surprise to them, of course only the oldest knows truly the problem at hand. I'll be in touch with the necessary people starting tomorrow.
So does that mean that you’re going to stop operating in her frame, giving her full control of the fate of your marriage with you chasing along like a supplicating puppy - and that you’re actually finally going to take strong decisive action in your own best interest, like a man with dignity and self-respect?
 

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She is lying.

On some level, I think you know it, but you want a reason to talk yourself out of the hard path...the right path...so you convince yourself to believe her.

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I don’t see where the correct response changes whether she’s lying or being truthful. Marriage is a commitment, and if you decide commitment is no longer supportable, then you’ve ended the marriage. You don’t get to go out and see what the real world is like, and see if the grass is greener or not, then decide to leave or stay. That’s not how it works.
 

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From a conversation we had today, that got heated. This sums up her thoughts, on paper I'm a good husband, but am I the right one for her she doesn't know. She's on a path of self discovery, can't nor won't have an answer till January do to the fact she'll have a job and won't be in school so she can rest assured that her decision comes from the thought she could support herself if worse comes to worse. She's not actively pursuing anyone other than herself. Along with shes doing this not to spite me or hurt me, that's it's been years building up, but she can't decide basically if it's her issues alone, or issues with the marriage. I've already talked to the kids and laid it out instead of it being some big surprise to them, of course only the oldest knows truly the problem at hand. I'll be in touch with the necessary people starting tomorrow.
Exactly what @Evinrude58 and others are saying.
When I read this I thought it hits every point for Cheater-speak.

But like @Casual Observer said...what does it matter? She's already breaking the marriage covenant and it's time to act like it. Take control of the situation and let her be single.
 

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From a conversation we had today, that got heated. This sums up her thoughts, on paper I'm a good husband, but am I the right one for her she doesn't know. She's on a path of self discovery, can't nor won't have an answer till January do to the fact she'll have a job and won't be in school so she can rest assured that her decision comes from the thought she could support herself if worse comes to worse. She's not actively pursuing anyone other than herself. Along with shes doing this not to spite me or hurt me, that's it's been years building up, but she can't decide basically if it's her issues alone, or issues with the marriage. I've already talked to the kids and laid it out instead of it being some big surprise to them, of course only the oldest knows truly the problem at hand. I'll be in touch with the necessary people starting tomorrow.
The necessary people being attorneys, yes?

Your wife can decide what to do with her life but you now need to decide what’s best for you. It’s really tough but to me, I’d be taking steps to move on. But be ready for her to be angry that you’re not just going along as you normally do.
 

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The necessary people being attorneys, yes?

Your wife can decide what to do with her life but you now need to decide what’s best for you. It’s really tough but to me, I’d be taking steps to move on. But be ready for her to be angry that you’re not just going along as you normally do.
Yep, there are lots of ways for her to "find herself" without dating others... so she is making marriage ending decisions... OP just needs to follow through on the decisions she made for their marriage already.
 

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So how exactly do I approach that, this was weeks ago I found out and brought it up. I've actively tried researching her mid life crisis and what to do to be an active part of it, to help her. But with the responses I receive it seems as she's just waiting around for the beginning of the year. I also stated weeks ago that I think that I was done, and she broke down in the thought that I was closing her off, that I was done and gone. So I can see it affects her, but apparently not in a way to get her to see the reality. It sometimes feels that she's in wonder land, that everything can just be hunky dory until she decides, but everyone's lives through this are affected with the answer hanging in the balance.
Translation: She isn't in love with you and thinks she can do better or has already found someone better. Really, it is just complete nonsense to string you along. Give her her freedom to find herself as a si gle woman ASAP.
 

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Translation: She isn't in love with you and thinks she can do better or has already found someone better. Really, it is just complete nonsense to string you along. Give her her freedom to find herself as a si gle woman ASAP.
So far, it doesn’t look like he has the strength or self-respect to take the appropriate action.

He keeps liking all the posts like this, but then continues to do nothing, other than keep rehashing and overanalyzing the same conversations that we’ve already translated for him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #116 ·
So far, it doesn’t look like he has the strength or self-respect to take the appropriate action.

He keeps liking all the posts like this, but then continues to do nothing, other than keep rehashing and overanalyzing the same conversations that we’ve already translated for him.
I'm already in contact with a lawyer, and have essentially cut her off. Usually I have played the waiting game to see if I'm on her mind she would usually text me or something asking about my day and such. Nothing today, so I'm pretty well with everything has come to an end. She keeps rehashing that there isn't anyone, that she would delete tinder, that she primarily focused on her. I had made plans for a date on Oct. 8th. Might get everything together and lay it out to her that evening. She keeps throwing it out that if she wanted to leave she has options, but chooses to stay at the house, to be around me and the kids. It could also be smoke and mirrors that she doesn't indeed have somewhere to go so if I lose it she's screwed. I already mentioned to her that I'm on the fence and it was a light switch it seemed to her that now I've contemplated it as well so maybe that's scared her. Not sure could be the exact opposite. But you all are correct in the idea that I feel we keep "rehashing" the same stuff and get no answers out of it. It's all what if scenarios, although today she shared a post on Facebook about co parenting, so I'm gonna go either worst case scenario for all of it. But I will say it hurts a lot, but my kids comforted me last night after the ordeal. She says that getting high, and drinking are her only ways of letting all the thoughts go. She also doesn't want to lose "her" house, or if she goes she'll never be able to return. Which she is very on point with that realization.
 

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If she has options on somewhere else to stay, take her up on that.

It will likely look much better for you in the divorce if she moves out.
 

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I'm already in contact with a lawyer, and have essentially cut her off. Usually I have played the waiting game to see if I'm on her mind she would usually text me or something asking about my day and such. Nothing today, so I'm pretty well with everything has come to an end. She keeps rehashing that there isn't anyone, that she would delete tinder, that she primarily focused on her. I had made plans for a date on Oct. 8th. Might get everything together and lay it out to her that evening. She keeps throwing it out that if she wanted to leave she has options, but chooses to stay at the house, to be around me and the kids. It could also be smoke and mirrors that she doesn't indeed have somewhere to go so if I lose it she's screwed. I already mentioned to her that I'm on the fence and it was a light switch it seemed to her that now I've contemplated it as well so maybe that's scared her. Not sure could be the exact opposite. But you all are correct in the idea that I feel we keep "rehashing" the same stuff and get no answers out of it. It's all what if scenarios, although today she shared a post on Facebook about co parenting, so I'm gonna go either worst case scenario for all of it. But I will say it hurts a lot, but my kids comforted me last night after the ordeal. She says that getting high, and drinking are her only ways of letting all the thoughts go. She also doesn't want to lose "her" house, or if she goes she'll never be able to return. Which she is very on point with that realization.
1. Contacting a lawyer is not taking action, it’s just research. And it’s something you should’ve done months ago if not sooner.
2. So basically you’re not going to DO anything for another two weeks, at which time you’re going to have another “conversation“ with her, where presumably you might start to begin the process of putting your foot down, maybe…
 

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I never said I was ok with it. I brought it up because I friend from work has the same app, and found her in there. She stated to me that it was the girls from school trying to boost her co fidence and such. Which maybe that's true, who knows. I brought it up again a few days later and she had told me she isn't actively looking for anyone, or rushing anything. Which could also be interpreted as she's just patiently waiting for income taxes and to have her career set up. Some of you come across to me that I've had no emotion in this, no anger, or sadness. The day she threw divorce out in argument and got in my face about it, I showed her a fire in me that had her sit down and actually listen to my words, instead of talking over me and showing her dominance in conversation. I have a relatively long fuse in situations, I also feel I'm a very active participant when speaking, but no man or woman will raise their voice and belittle me. I made that evidently clear. Do I have any evidence other then a screenshot from a friend of the dating app, no. Do I know what conversations are had no. Do I really care to know probably not. I do know this, last weekend she took off for 2.5 hours. Sat at a casino parking lot, read some self help books, and then proceeded to call me balling her eyes out that she has no idea what's going on, or what's really happening. She can't pinpoint if what she feels stems from an unhappy life and marriage, or is solely something within her. She has also stated before that what if she tries to see if the grass is greener on the other side and can't come back at all, or is happy over there. I told her this, the grass can be green where ever you water it.
Did it feel good for your wife to assure you that she isn't actively looking for someone? (Even though she was lying....)
 

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From a conversation we had today, that got heated. This sums up her thoughts, on paper I'm a good husband, but am I the right one for her she doesn't know. She's on a path of self discovery, can't nor won't have an answer till January do to the fact she'll have a job and won't be in school so she can rest assured that her decision comes from the thought she could support herself if worse comes to worse. She's not actively pursuing anyone other than herself. Along with shes doing this not to spite me or hurt me, that's it's been years building up, but she can't decide basically if it's her issues alone, or issues with the marriage. I've already talked to the kids and laid it out instead of it being some big surprise to them, of course only the oldest knows truly the problem at hand. I'll be in touch with the necessary people starting tomorrow.
All the things she is saying to you.....do not matter. Why are you listening? It's all nonsense. She wants to move out and is trying to meet other guys. That is what you should be hearing. Everything else is noise and deflection.
 
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