Married for 8 years, 8 year old kid. Was she pregnant when you got married? I ask because it's become such a common thing here, people who married when the SO became pregnant, and pregnancy outside of marriage, or I should say pregnancy resulting in a perceived need to marry, seems to have a negative correlation with a marriage that lasts. Is this the guy she would have wanted to marry, had she not become pregnant. Self-doubt about growing up too fast and missing out on choices. Possible resentment of the guy for her becoming pregnant. Some of this buried below the surface, some of it perhaps takes on meaning over time.Well me and my 8 year old were having a conversation cause he can see the dynamics changed.
You have a woman that is actively looking for your replacement, and when your friend shows you, you STILL coddle her. You have coddled her the whole relationship. You’ll be still doing it when she leaves you abd has you laying her to have sex with other men.I never said I was ok with it. I brought it up because I friend from work has the same app, and found her in there. She stated to me that it was the girls from school trying to boost her co fidence and such. You’re incredibly gullible. Which maybe that's true, who knows. I brought it up again a few days later and she had told me she isn't actively looking for anyone, or rushing anything. You’ll believe anythingWhich could also be interpreted as she's just patiently waiting for income taxes and to have her career set up. Some of you come across to me that I've had no emotion in this, no anger, or sadness. The day she threw divorce out in argument and got in my face about it, I showed her a fire in me that had her sit down and actually listen to my words, instead of talking over me and showing her dominance in conversation. I have a relatively long fuse in situations, I also feel I'm a very active participant when speaking, but no man or woman will raise their voice and belittle me. I made that evidently clear. Do I have any evidence other then a screenshot from a friend of the dating app, no. What more do you need? My god! Do I know what conversations are had no. Do I really care to know probably not. I do know this, last weekend she took off for 2.5 hours. Sat at a casino parking lot, read some self help books, and then proceeded to call me balling her eyes out that she has no idea what's going on, or what's really happening. She can't pinpoint if what she feels stems from an unhappy life and marriage, or is solely something within her. She has also stated before that what if she tries to see if the grass is greener on the other side and can't come back at all, or is happy over there. I told her this, the grass can be green where ever you water it.
What your wife is doing is called hoovering. If you take yourself off the table, you need to really do it, no matter what she says right now. She'll say anything to have her Plan-B in place, even use sex, but once she's sure your back in your lane, she'll just keep on doing exactly what she feels like without regard to you.I already have a lawyer I'll be calling in the morning. I tried to ask her, and it not be an ultimatum. As far as can she tell me and really dig deep and say that she would want to work at fixing any of this. Or is it just done. I consider myself a fighter, especially for things that matter to me. But I also do realize there is a line in the sand not to cross. Hence stating if I put forth effort into fixing issues, and get the same result it was time and effort wasted. She noticed I was being distant to her cause her two days away was actually nice on my end. She said it sounds like I already have a decision and she felt torn by that, that I lost hope in it. Which she's not too far from the truth of the matter.
I think you have your own answer here Travis....She also says that being at her girlfriends house made her feel the freedom to do whatever, drink, smoke etc... so with the statement she said it makes me realize that no matter the time or effort I put forth, she will always want that.
So how exactly do I approach that, this was weeks ago I found out and brought it up. I've actively tried researching her mid life crisis and what to do to be an active part of it, to help her. But with the responses I receive it seems as she's just waiting around for the beginning of the year. I also stated weeks ago that I think that I was done, and she broke down in the thought that I was closing her off, that I was done and gone. So I can see it affects her, but apparently not in a way to get her to see the reality. It sometimes feels that she's in wonder land, that everything can just be hunky dory until she decides, but everyone's lives through this are affected with the answer hanging in the balance.She could be on a dating app trying to figure out what’s “wrong” with her, or if it is even her but rather her husband that’s the issue. It could be at the urging of her girlfriends. It might not be that she’s actively looking, just trying to figure things out.
That’s just as bad as actively looking to screw somebody though, because it still represents an affront to the concept of marriage and boundaries. But if she’s trying to figure things out rather than actively seeking sex, it might change how you approach her. Think about her. Because to her, it’s all about her, not the spouse, not the family. She’s wandering in a dissociative state. I’d something brings her out of that, everything changes.
Take away her safety net. Take yourself off the table as an option. You cannot control her nor change her, but you can both control and change yourself, but any coarse of action that enables or assists her current path is the wrong path.So how exactly do I approach that.
I think you need to physically separate. Give her space to sink or swim. The only chance of saving your marriage, and it’s slim, is 100% dependent upon her coming to an epiphany, on her own. I don’t think she can get there without hitting bottom and you still care for her too much to want to allow that. You have to write her off, and decide if you’re still interested if she does work things out and decides she wants to come back. Wants to come back. Think about that. She’s already left. There is no downside to accepting that.So how exactly do I approach that, this was weeks ago I found out and brought it up. I've actively tried researching her mid life crisis and what to do to be an active part of it, to help her. But with the responses I receive it seems as she's just waiting around for the beginning of the year. I also stated weeks ago that I think that I was done, and she broke down in the thought that I was closing her off, that I was done and gone. So I can see it affects her, but apparently not in a way to get her to see the reality. It sometimes feels that she's in wonder land, that everything can just be hunky dory until she decides, but everyone's lives through this are affected with the answer hanging in the balance.
Her self-absorption and the cosmetic surgery and all she seems to be aspiring to makes me want to tell you - please stop entertaining this idea that she is modest.Ok to somewhat wrap a few of your answers into on so I'm not individual getting things mixed up here. We were seniors when we got together, we had talked about having kids and big family because it was something she was used to, and I never had and it was something I wanted. Trouble at home for both of us caused us to move out early, get an apartment and things went from there. This was 2012. My oldest was born in Jan. Of 2014. We got married in Dec. Of the same year. I have beat the horse to death about the dating site and actively pursuing someone else. I told her if that's the road she wanted to go down then to leave, regardless Financials etc... I got really irritated about the whole thing and let some anger out. Yesterday she came home, was obviously upset so we talked again and got through some weeds of the matter. She feels the romantic connection is lost, or has faded. Wants to date and start over again. But she also says she knows everything about me so is it a waste of time. She also stated that maybe her reflection of the marriage is actually stemming from her own hatred for her body, and all her mental issues being tossed to the next best thing, not her, us. She doesn't want to lose the house we built, but neither of us could afford it separated, and I will stand my ground to not pay for it if we do divorce. Because it was our home, not just one of us. She also says that being at her girlfriends house made her feel the freedom to do whatever, drink, smoke etc... so with the statement she said it makes me realize that no matter the time or effort I put forth, she will always want that. The only way she will get it is to go our separate ways. She isn't actively looking to my knowledge for anyone, because she can't stand being naked by herself let alone in front of me, or a stranger. Maybe I'm wrong. I told her my thoughts and feelings, and will probably do so more today regarding this issue. I don't want it to pan out for 4 more months and still receive the same result. She tells me she runs through all the scenarios and there's no one clear path for her. She wants to focus on healing herself above all else.
And not just for OP but his wife as well. Right now, caring about her is not caring for her.Take away her safety net. Take yourself off the table as an option. You cannot control her nor change her, but you can both control and change yourself, but any coarse of action that enables or assists her current path is the wrong path.
Good morning yall, so to not write this out till the cows come home. My wife and I have been together going on 11 years, married for 8. We have 3 children together, bought a house a year ago, decent cars. Overall I've tried to provide everything for her, I've never once tried controlling the aspects of her life as far as appearance, or what interests her. Some say she's high maintenance, but to me if it made her happy then that's all that mattered. Here come last March she began school for cosmetology which has always been a dream, I pushed her to do so because it meant a lot and her previous jobs always made her hate working there. I've been working long hours to support us through this time. About a month ago she dropped the she's unsure about us, might want a divorce, she's unhappy, often thinks about if there's something else out there. We are both 28, we had our oldest at 19. I stepped up and continued to provide for our family and climbed the rigorous ladder to get to a place of financial stability. I'm no Saint and have done things in the past that have hurt her, but have always apologized and asked for forgiveness. This same situation happened three years ago, which she returned a month later and said it was stupid. This time however she wants even longer. She tells me she won't have a decision till she's out of school in January and has a job. I want to make this work, have offered to do anything by any means to make this work. But she just isn't sure. I try talking to her, and it's pointless almost, just running around the same bush. She states her actions should show that she's not out of the house, still communicates. But gives me no emotional indication that she wants to work. Some say I'm just getting strung along before a bomb drops in January, to get my things in order and be prepared for the worst. I love this woman whole heartedly. She means a great deal to me, but she's talking to other guys, found she has a dating app, hides her phone, has changed passwords. Where she has always had open access to everything of mine. I have my own issues to work on I get that, she says she's finding herself and what makes her happy, she's not focused on anyone or anything but that. But I'm torn internally I wanna wait and be patient to show her I'm here, I always have been. But another part of me doesn't want to wait, put effort into making things right with myself and her. If ultimately she's decided to leave regardless of what I can do to change things. She talks in what ifs and scenarios, the kids have noticed, they come to me scared and anxious of what may happen. I'm just kinda lost. I've reached out to numerous therapist's in the area, all are booked, or changing location currently. Can someone offer real guidance. Family and friends have all gave their input, most of which is all bad.