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Well me and my 8 year old were having a conversation cause he can see the dynamics changed.
Married for 8 years, 8 year old kid. Was she pregnant when you got married? I ask because it's become such a common thing here, people who married when the SO became pregnant, and pregnancy outside of marriage, or I should say pregnancy resulting in a perceived need to marry, seems to have a negative correlation with a marriage that lasts. Is this the guy she would have wanted to marry, had she not become pregnant. Self-doubt about growing up too fast and missing out on choices. Possible resentment of the guy for her becoming pregnant. Some of this buried below the surface, some of it perhaps takes on meaning over time.

It feels like there might be an entirely different path for holding together a marriage that's in trouble, a marriage that was facilitated/sped up by pregnancy, vs otherwise. Different questions to ponder, different answers. Remaining married might still be the best option, but getting there might take a different route.

This is where the OP tells me no, they weren't pregnant before marriage, they'd discussed having kids ahead of time and were really looking forward to things working out exactly as they did. And I just kind of slink away hoping nobody notices...
 

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I never said I was ok with it. I brought it up because I friend from work has the same app, and found her in there. She stated to me that it was the girls from school trying to boost her co fidence and such. You’re incredibly gullible. Which maybe that's true, who knows. I brought it up again a few days later and she had told me she isn't actively looking for anyone, or rushing anything. You’ll believe anythingWhich could also be interpreted as she's just patiently waiting for income taxes and to have her career set up. Some of you come across to me that I've had no emotion in this, no anger, or sadness. The day she threw divorce out in argument and got in my face about it, I showed her a fire in me that had her sit down and actually listen to my words, instead of talking over me and showing her dominance in conversation. I have a relatively long fuse in situations, I also feel I'm a very active participant when speaking, but no man or woman will raise their voice and belittle me. I made that evidently clear. Do I have any evidence other then a screenshot from a friend of the dating app, no. What more do you need? My god! Do I know what conversations are had no. Do I really care to know probably not. I do know this, last weekend she took off for 2.5 hours. Sat at a casino parking lot, read some self help books, and then proceeded to call me balling her eyes out that she has no idea what's going on, or what's really happening. She can't pinpoint if what she feels stems from an unhappy life and marriage, or is solely something within her. She has also stated before that what if she tries to see if the grass is greener on the other side and can't come back at all, or is happy over there. I told her this, the grass can be green where ever you water it.
You have a woman that is actively looking for your replacement, and when your friend shows you, you STILL coddle her. You have coddled her the whole relationship. You’ll be still doing it when she leaves you abd has you laying her to have sex with other men.

At this point, I don’t see how anyone can help you. You’re simply choosing to have your life revolve around her needs and wants, and you expect nothing from her. What you’re doing will end in a train wreck. But it’s yours to wait on.

She’s literally telling you she’s searching for other men and will want to come back if she.Can’t find one she likes. I suspect you will. I’m sorry
 

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Discussion Starter · #85 ·
Ok to somewhat wrap a few of your answers into on so I'm not individual getting things mixed up here. We were seniors when we got together, we had talked about having kids and big family because it was something she was used to, and I never had and it was something I wanted. Trouble at home for both of us caused us to move out early, get an apartment and things went from there. This was 2012. My oldest was born in Jan. Of 2014. We got married in Dec. Of the same year. I have beat the horse to death about the dating site and actively pursuing someone else. I told her if that's the road she wanted to go down then to leave, regardless Financials etc... I got really irritated about the whole thing and let some anger out. Yesterday she came home, was obviously upset so we talked again and got through some weeds of the matter. She feels the romantic connection is lost, or has faded. Wants to date and start over again. But she also says she knows everything about me so is it a waste of time. She also stated that maybe her reflection of the marriage is actually stemming from her own hatred for her body, and all her mental issues being tossed to the next best thing, not her, us. She doesn't want to lose the house we built, but neither of us could afford it separated, and I will stand my ground to not pay for it if we do divorce. Because it was our home, not just one of us. She also says that being at her girlfriends house made her feel the freedom to do whatever, drink, smoke etc... so with the statement she said it makes me realize that no matter the time or effort I put forth, she will always want that. The only way she will get it is to go our separate ways. She isn't actively looking to my knowledge for anyone, because she can't stand being naked by herself let alone in front of me, or a stranger. Maybe I'm wrong. I told her my thoughts and feelings, and will probably do so more today regarding this issue. I don't want it to pan out for 4 more months and still receive the same result. She tells me she runs through all the scenarios and there's no one clear path for her. She wants to focus on healing herself above all else.
 

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@travislandes63 , the only way she will know what she lost is for you to take yourself off the table as an option for her. Right now she can do what she wants, but you are her safety net, plan-b fallback guy.

If you are happy in that role, please proceed on the path you are on, if not, file for divorce and have her served. Get ready for a life without her. She may or may not come crawling back and by then, you may not even want her back, because she doesn't love you or respect you at the moment and won't while you keep on being mr. Fallback Guy.

At least by taking yourself of the table, she will respect you again.

Moreover, by taking yourself off the table as her fallback plan, you can respect yourself again as-well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #87 ·
I already have a lawyer I'll be calling in the morning. I tried to ask her, and it not be an ultimatum. As far as can she tell me and really dig deep and say that she would want to work at fixing any of this. Or is it just done. I consider myself a fighter, especially for things that matter to me. But I also do realize there is a line in the sand not to cross. Hence stating if I put forth effort into fixing issues, and get the same result it was time and effort wasted. She noticed I was being distant to her cause her two days away was actually nice on my end. She said it sounds like I already have a decision and she felt torn by that, that I lost hope in it. Which she's not too far from the truth of the matter.
 

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I already have a lawyer I'll be calling in the morning. I tried to ask her, and it not be an ultimatum. As far as can she tell me and really dig deep and say that she would want to work at fixing any of this. Or is it just done. I consider myself a fighter, especially for things that matter to me. But I also do realize there is a line in the sand not to cross. Hence stating if I put forth effort into fixing issues, and get the same result it was time and effort wasted. She noticed I was being distant to her cause her two days away was actually nice on my end. She said it sounds like I already have a decision and she felt torn by that, that I lost hope in it. Which she's not too far from the truth of the matter.
What your wife is doing is called hoovering. If you take yourself off the table, you need to really do it, no matter what she says right now. She'll say anything to have her Plan-B in place, even use sex, but once she's sure your back in your lane, she'll just keep on doing exactly what she feels like without regard to you.

Nope, divorce and don't even consider changing your mind. Give yourself a year or so as a single man and if she comes crawling, cut through broken glass to have you back after that time, perhaps you would have gained enough altitude to see the whole landscape and then decide if you really want this very selfish woman in your life again.
 

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Something to consider:
You have a truly awful wife who in my opinion will never be happy with anyone for any length of time. A Chronic discontent she is. Some people just can’t be happy, and think they would be with the “right person”. Nope, normal people work at making themselves happy by doing challenging things that bring happiness.

secondly, the level of disrespect she is showing you…… a man with self respect wouid immediately do what you have done and see an attorney. File! There’s nothing else for you to do.

lsstly, you are sticking your head in the sand snd in total denial if you think she’s on a dating app and not wanting to screw other guys. She knows what guys want, she knows what she wants, it’s not just companionship.

wheb a woman tells you she’s lost romantic feelings abd us in a dating site—//. You are showing a lot of weakness in even talking to her. I wouldn’t. I suggest you break off all contact with her and just start the process of divorce.
 

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She could be on a dating app trying to figure out what’s “wrong” with her, or if it is even her but rather her husband that’s the issue. It could be at the urging of her girlfriends. It might not be that she’s actively looking, just trying to figure things out.

That’s just as bad as actively looking to screw somebody though, because it still represents an affront to the concept of marriage and boundaries. But if she’s trying to figure things out rather than actively seeking sex, it might change how you approach her. Think about her. Because to her, it’s all about her, not the spouse, not the family. She’s wandering in a dissociative state. I’d something brings her out of that, everything changes.
 

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She also says that being at her girlfriends house made her feel the freedom to do whatever, drink, smoke etc... so with the statement she said it makes me realize that no matter the time or effort I put forth, she will always want that.
I think you have your own answer here Travis....
 

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Discussion Starter · #93 ·
She could be on a dating app trying to figure out what’s “wrong” with her, or if it is even her but rather her husband that’s the issue. It could be at the urging of her girlfriends. It might not be that she’s actively looking, just trying to figure things out.

That’s just as bad as actively looking to screw somebody though, because it still represents an affront to the concept of marriage and boundaries. But if she’s trying to figure things out rather than actively seeking sex, it might change how you approach her. Think about her. Because to her, it’s all about her, not the spouse, not the family. She’s wandering in a dissociative state. I’d something brings her out of that, everything changes.
So how exactly do I approach that, this was weeks ago I found out and brought it up. I've actively tried researching her mid life crisis and what to do to be an active part of it, to help her. But with the responses I receive it seems as she's just waiting around for the beginning of the year. I also stated weeks ago that I think that I was done, and she broke down in the thought that I was closing her off, that I was done and gone. So I can see it affects her, but apparently not in a way to get her to see the reality. It sometimes feels that she's in wonder land, that everything can just be hunky dory until she decides, but everyone's lives through this are affected with the answer hanging in the balance.
 

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So how exactly do I approach that, this was weeks ago I found out and brought it up. I've actively tried researching her mid life crisis and what to do to be an active part of it, to help her. But with the responses I receive it seems as she's just waiting around for the beginning of the year. I also stated weeks ago that I think that I was done, and she broke down in the thought that I was closing her off, that I was done and gone. So I can see it affects her, but apparently not in a way to get her to see the reality. It sometimes feels that she's in wonder land, that everything can just be hunky dory until she decides, but everyone's lives through this are affected with the answer hanging in the balance.
I think you need to physically separate. Give her space to sink or swim. The only chance of saving your marriage, and it’s slim, is 100% dependent upon her coming to an epiphany, on her own. I don’t think she can get there without hitting bottom and you still care for her too much to want to allow that. You have to write her off, and decide if you’re still interested if she does work things out and decides she wants to come back. Wants to come back. Think about that. She’s already left. There is no downside to accepting that.

You’re wallowing around, thinking the ball is in her court. It’s not. You now have control.
 

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Ok to somewhat wrap a few of your answers into on so I'm not individual getting things mixed up here. We were seniors when we got together, we had talked about having kids and big family because it was something she was used to, and I never had and it was something I wanted. Trouble at home for both of us caused us to move out early, get an apartment and things went from there. This was 2012. My oldest was born in Jan. Of 2014. We got married in Dec. Of the same year. I have beat the horse to death about the dating site and actively pursuing someone else. I told her if that's the road she wanted to go down then to leave, regardless Financials etc... I got really irritated about the whole thing and let some anger out. Yesterday she came home, was obviously upset so we talked again and got through some weeds of the matter. She feels the romantic connection is lost, or has faded. Wants to date and start over again. But she also says she knows everything about me so is it a waste of time. She also stated that maybe her reflection of the marriage is actually stemming from her own hatred for her body, and all her mental issues being tossed to the next best thing, not her, us. She doesn't want to lose the house we built, but neither of us could afford it separated, and I will stand my ground to not pay for it if we do divorce. Because it was our home, not just one of us. She also says that being at her girlfriends house made her feel the freedom to do whatever, drink, smoke etc... so with the statement she said it makes me realize that no matter the time or effort I put forth, she will always want that. The only way she will get it is to go our separate ways. She isn't actively looking to my knowledge for anyone, because she can't stand being naked by herself let alone in front of me, or a stranger. Maybe I'm wrong. I told her my thoughts and feelings, and will probably do so more today regarding this issue. I don't want it to pan out for 4 more months and still receive the same result. She tells me she runs through all the scenarios and there's no one clear path for her. She wants to focus on healing herself above all else.
Her self-absorption and the cosmetic surgery and all she seems to be aspiring to makes me want to tell you - please stop entertaining this idea that she is modest.

She may have shame from past abuse, with unresolved trauma, but she doesn't sound modest. Please don't imagine she's modest. It also sounds like she's doing everything she can to make you pay for her past - her upbringing - without seeking to manage it herself - to heal and grow.

She's on a train wreck path and is marshaling all of her resources (you) to get there as fast as possible.

And I'll repeat -- you seem like a caring person who has the maturity to dedicate himself to others' well-being.
Please let her go! Your poor kids. She must see them as barriers to her party life, not children who need a mom.
She'll exploit that need. She's exploiting your continued faith in her.
Someone like this will use the kids as props to support whatever narrative she can to pursue her self-indulgence. This woman only cares about herself. Sounds like you've tried everything. I'm agreeing with everyone else...let her go.

Focus on being a family with yourself and your kids - providing the quality of life you've worked hard for already.
Keep the house, for you and the kids, or another house; she can couch surf with her party buddies. Gross.
You can salvage the good in your family for your kids and go from there.
 

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Take away her safety net. Take yourself off the table as an option. You cannot control her nor change her, but you can both control and change yourself, but any coarse of action that enables or assists her current path is the wrong path.
And not just for OP but his wife as well. Right now, caring about her is not caring for her.
 

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Your wife has acted in selfish and deceptive ways, repeatedly and intentionally, that hurt you and your family.

She is thinking only of herself, while you have been empathetic toward her.

The spouse that cares the least about the marriage has the power... which is why you went into limbo. When you tell her that you are ending it due to her behavior, you will care the least, and have the power.

Sell the house, divide assets fairly, take the high road during the process etc... but never be a plan B for anyone.
 

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Good morning yall, so to not write this out till the cows come home. My wife and I have been together going on 11 years, married for 8. We have 3 children together, bought a house a year ago, decent cars. Overall I've tried to provide everything for her, I've never once tried controlling the aspects of her life as far as appearance, or what interests her. Some say she's high maintenance, but to me if it made her happy then that's all that mattered. Here come last March she began school for cosmetology which has always been a dream, I pushed her to do so because it meant a lot and her previous jobs always made her hate working there. I've been working long hours to support us through this time. About a month ago she dropped the she's unsure about us, might want a divorce, she's unhappy, often thinks about if there's something else out there. We are both 28, we had our oldest at 19. I stepped up and continued to provide for our family and climbed the rigorous ladder to get to a place of financial stability. I'm no Saint and have done things in the past that have hurt her, but have always apologized and asked for forgiveness. This same situation happened three years ago, which she returned a month later and said it was stupid. This time however she wants even longer. She tells me she won't have a decision till she's out of school in January and has a job. I want to make this work, have offered to do anything by any means to make this work. But she just isn't sure. I try talking to her, and it's pointless almost, just running around the same bush. She states her actions should show that she's not out of the house, still communicates. But gives me no emotional indication that she wants to work. Some say I'm just getting strung along before a bomb drops in January, to get my things in order and be prepared for the worst. I love this woman whole heartedly. She means a great deal to me, but she's talking to other guys, found she has a dating app, hides her phone, has changed passwords. Where she has always had open access to everything of mine. I have my own issues to work on I get that, she says she's finding herself and what makes her happy, she's not focused on anyone or anything but that. But I'm torn internally I wanna wait and be patient to show her I'm here, I always have been. But another part of me doesn't want to wait, put effort into making things right with myself and her. If ultimately she's decided to leave regardless of what I can do to change things. She talks in what ifs and scenarios, the kids have noticed, they come to me scared and anxious of what may happen. I'm just kinda lost. I've reached out to numerous therapist's in the area, all are booked, or changing location currently. Can someone offer real guidance. Family and friends have all gave their input, most of which is all bad.
Thank you

what is your problem ? You are letting her call all the shots and she's the one who is messed up. Stop the love and protect yourself. You are about to get screwed over. Your being lost is your fault because you don't stand up for yourself. Work on your self esteem
 

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Discussion Starter · #100 ·
From a conversation we had today, that got heated. This sums up her thoughts, on paper I'm a good husband, but am I the right one for her she doesn't know. She's on a path of self discovery, can't nor won't have an answer till January do to the fact she'll have a job and won't be in school so she can rest assured that her decision comes from the thought she could support herself if worse comes to worse. She's not actively pursuing anyone other than herself. Along with shes doing this not to spite me or hurt me, that's it's been years building up, but she can't decide basically if it's her issues alone, or issues with the marriage. I've already talked to the kids and laid it out instead of it being some big surprise to them, of course only the oldest knows truly the problem at hand. I'll be in touch with the necessary people starting tomorrow.
 
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