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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Good morning yall, so to not write this out till the cows come home. My wife and I have been together going on 11 years, married for 8. We have 3 children together, bought a house a year ago, decent cars. Overall I've tried to provide everything for her, I've never once tried controlling the aspects of her life as far as appearance, or what interests her. Some say she's high maintenance, but to me if it made her happy then that's all that mattered. Here come last March she began school for cosmetology which has always been a dream, I pushed her to do so because it meant a lot and her previous jobs always made her hate working there. I've been working long hours to support us through this time. About a month ago she dropped the she's unsure about us, might want a divorce, she's unhappy, often thinks about if there's something else out there. We are both 28, we had our oldest at 19. I stepped up and continued to provide for our family and climbed the rigorous ladder to get to a place of financial stability. I'm no Saint and have done things in the past that have hurt her, but have always apologized and asked for forgiveness. This same situation happened three years ago, which she returned a month later and said it was stupid. This time however she wants even longer. She tells me she won't have a decision till she's out of school in January and has a job. I want to make this work, have offered to do anything by any means to make this work. But she just isn't sure. I try talking to her, and it's pointless almost, just running around the same bush. She states her actions should show that she's not out of the house, still communicates. But gives me no emotional indication that she wants to work. Some say I'm just getting strung along before a bomb drops in January, to get my things in order and be prepared for the worst. I love this woman whole heartedly. She means a great deal to me, but she's talking to other guys, found she has a dating app, hides her phone, has changed passwords. Where she has always had open access to everything of mine. I have my own issues to work on I get that, she says she's finding herself and what makes her happy, she's not focused on anyone or anything but that. But I'm torn internally I wanna wait and be patient to show her I'm here, I always have been. But another part of me doesn't want to wait, put effort into making things right with myself and her. If ultimately she's decided to leave regardless of what I can do to change things. She talks in what ifs and scenarios, the kids have noticed, they come to me scared and anxious of what may happen. I'm just kinda lost. I've reached out to numerous therapist's in the area, all are booked, or changing location currently. Can someone offer real guidance. Family and friends have all gave their input, most of which is all bad.
Thank you
 

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Good morning yall, so to not write this out till the cows come home. My wife and I have been together going on 11 years, married for 8. We have 3 children together, bought a house a year ago, decent cars. Overall I've tried to provide everything for her, I've never once tried controlling the aspects of her life as far as appearance, or what interests her. Some say she's high maintenance, but to me if it made her happy then that's all that mattered. Here come last March she began school for cosmetology which has always been a dream, I pushed her to do so because it meant a lot and her previous jobs always made her hate working there. I've been working long hours to support us through this time. About a month ago she dropped the she's unsure about us, might want a divorce, she's unhappy, often thinks about if there's something else out there. We are both 28, we had our oldest at 19. I stepped up and continued to provide for our family and climbed the rigorous ladder to get to a place of financial stability. I'm no Saint and have done things in the past that have hurt her, but have always apologized and asked for forgiveness. This same situation happened three years ago, which she returned a month later and said it was stupid. This time however she wants even longer. She tells me she won't have a decision till she's out of school in January and has a job. I want to make this work, have offered to do anything by any means to make this work. But she just isn't sure. I try talking to her, and it's pointless almost, just running around the same bush. She states her actions should show that she's not out of the house, still communicates. But gives me no emotional indication that she wants to work. Some say I'm just getting strung along before a bomb drops in January, to get my things in order and be prepared for the worst. I love this woman whole heartedly. She means a great deal to me, but she's talking to other guys, found she has a dating app, hides her phone, has changed passwords. Where she has always had open access to everything of mine. I have my own issues to work on I get that, she says she's finding herself and what makes her happy, she's not focused on anyone or anything but that. But I'm torn internally I wanna wait and be patient to show her I'm here, I always have been. But another part of me doesn't want to wait, put effort into making things right with myself and her. If ultimately she's decided to leave regardless of what I can do to change things. She talks in what ifs and scenarios, the kids have noticed, they come to me scared and anxious of what may happen. I'm just kinda lost. I've reached out to numerous therapist's in the area, all are booked, or changing location currently. Can someone offer real guidance. Family and friends have all gave their input, most of which is all bad.
Thank you
You are her plan B, just like you were 3 years ago. She is trying out other guys and if one of them is better and wants to take on an instant family, she will be gone. If no one wants more than a warm place to stick their ****, she will come back to you. How lovely.

You should not be willing to sit back and accept that. It certainly doesn't look good to her, quite the opposite really.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
So what's the plan, I want to fight for her. I really do care, and love this woman. But yes I have seen the warning signs. I had ultimately thought of sitting her down and explaining that if she can't give me a definitive answer to whether she wants to work it our or not that I'm done, regardless the hurt and pain i would have doing so. My kids have noticed the changed and are ultimately scared for whats to come, but i feel shes essentially put my love on hold. She says shes not interested in other people and is in no rush for anything, but i cant help but think even though ive always trusted her prior. I've already got a lawyer in the works as a plan B.
 

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Stop fighting for someone who wants to leave and cheat...were you not born with a spine, i am sorry brother but it's time to wake up and smell the coffee, stop allowing her to control the narrative, I would tell her to her face she can leave now and start her life for January and tell her you will never take her back….
 

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So what's the plan, I want to fight for her. I really do care, and love this woman. But yes I have seen the warning signs. I had ultimately thought of sitting her down and explaining that if she can't give me a definitive answer to whether she wants to work it our or not that I'm done, regardless the hurt and pain i would have doing so. My kids have noticed the changed and are ultimately scared for whats to come, but i feel shes essentially put my love on hold. She says shes not interested in other people and is in no rush for anything, but i cant help but think even though ive always trusted her prior. I've already got a lawyer in the works as a plan B.
Fighting for a woman is something you see on fictional TV shows and movies. Most of them are done once they even broach the subject of leaving. What you would call fighting for a woman is only making you look more weak in her eyes.

Maybe you give it another month or two and let her know that, but tell her that you are not living in limbo or prepared to go forward living in doubt.
 

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Listen I know you don't want to hear this. I know you love her, but her actions show you quite clearly that she does NOT love you.

She's your wife for crying out loud and you should NOT have to beg her to love you.

She wants to go then tell her to grab her things and get the hell out. NO COMING BACK!!

She's also a HORRIBLE mother!!

What kind of woman does this to her kids????

She has a track record of leaving. You let her come back you're ALWAYS going to be wondering when she's going to pull this bull$h!t again.

She wants to go......LET HER GO!!

Meet with an attorney, and file the papers, and have her served and move on with your life.

STOP being a little puppy dog looking out the window desperately waiting for her to come back.

You know what to do you're just letting FEAR keep you from taking action!!

Everything starts with a decision. Choose wisely.
 

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I think what has kept her there for as long as she has been, are the kids. That may be painful to hear, but you sound like an option to her, not a commitment. That said, people change so much from teens into our 20's and she may have outgrown the relationship. Unfortunately, that sucks for everyone else involved, but that seems to be what's happening, and now she's tasting freedom with getting a job on her own.

I think you need to let go, and seek legal advice. Begging and ''fighting'' for her...she's not interested. If someone is interested in staying committed to you, you won't have to fight and beg for them. She's not that same person you first got together with anymore; we can see a different picture, where you see it from the history you have with her. It's not uncommon for people who get married or start having kids in their late teens, to change...and outgrow these relationships. There are couples who last a lifetime in marriage who get married or have been together since their teens, but they're usually outliers.

I'm not saying she doesn't love you at all, but she's interested now in focusing on herself, doing things that she missed out on in her teens. So, start looking after yourself and where your future is headed, and take each day at a time.

I wouldn't ''sit her down,'' and make an ultimatum, just start doing the work to seek legal advice, etc. Just my opinion, and I'm sorry you're in this situation. 💙
 

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So what's the plan, I want to fight for her. I really do care, and love this woman. But yes I have seen the warning signs. I had ultimately thought of sitting her down and explaining that if she can't give me a definitive answer to whether she wants to work it our or not that I'm done, regardless the hurt and pain i would have doing so. My kids have noticed the changed and are ultimately scared for whats to come, but i feel shes essentially put my love on hold. She says shes not interested in other people and is in no rush for anything, but i cant help but think even though ive always trusted her prior. I've already got a lawyer in the works as a plan B.
Your best play at this time is to lawyer up and file.
Have her served in the most cold and unfeeling way possible.
Study up on and implement the 180.
Shock and awe is your best friend right now.
If you take her legs out from under her, you might harsh her buzz.
Doing that might return her to reality.
At that point, you will know what you have.
The 180 will give you clarity. At that point, you can ascertain whether or not there is anything worth saving.
You need to start building your best life with out her. New clothes, haircut, buff up, etc.
If she feels anything for you, she may do the work to catch up.
Take the upper hand. Work her instead of her working you.
Make sure that if you take her back, that it is in your best interests to do so and only after she has done the work required to become a safe spouse ON YOUR TERMS.
 

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So what's the plan, I want to fight for her. I really do care, and love this woman. But yes I have seen the warning signs. I had ultimately thought of sitting her down and explaining that if she can't give me a definitive answer to whether she wants to work it our or not that I'm done, regardless the hurt and pain i would have doing so. My kids have noticed the changed and are ultimately scared for whats to come, but i feel shes essentially put my love on hold. She says shes not interested in other people and is in no rush for anything, but i cant help but think even though ive always trusted her prior. I've already got a lawyer in the works as a plan B.
I think you're seeing the theme in the responses. Getting her to "pick you" never works.
You look weak and she won't respect you begging for her.

She's a crap person but if you really want her back, the only chance is to take a strong stand and file for divorce immediately. Take control of the situation. And remain strong in this path until you know without a shadow of a doubt that she is reformed. Which, by the way, almost never actually comes because cheaters don't want that.

If you do anything else except what these good TAM people are saying, it will fail.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Thank you everyone, maybe it is just the cold hard truth, her sister continues to tell me that she has no real plan or agenda I suppose. I didn't want it to be an ultimatum, but I just wanted to hear from her if there is even a sliver that she wants it to work. She's expressed that she knows how big of a deal this is, but I also don't think she's being rational. We've had a great 10 years, true we don't like all the same things but that's what makes it work is us being different. We do share a lot of communities that's why part of me wanted to work on it, strengthen it. But if that makes me the weak link, I will not sit idly by with an idea that it's something she doesn't want or will reciprocate to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thank you everyone, maybe it is just the cold hard truth, her sister continues to tell me that she has no real plan or agenda I suppose. I didn't want it to be an ultimatum, but I just wanted to hear from her if there is even a sliver that she wants it to work. She's expressed that she knows how big of a deal this is, but I also don't think she's being rational. We've had a great 10 years, true we don't like all the same things but that's what makes it work is us being different. We do share a lot of communities that's why part of me wanted to work on it, strengthen it. But if that makes me the weak link, I will not sit idly by with an idea that it's something she doesn't want or will reciprocate to me.
Commonalities*
 
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