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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife recently took a new job and has made friends at her new place of employment and she has changed. I may be looking at this all wrong but for some reason I can't stop thinking about it.

First off her new friends at work are partiers and casual marjuana smokers and heavy drinkers. A couple are single and a couple are unhappily married. She has gone to a couple of parties at their houses, which I let her go too. She now has been making plans to attend parties like she never has before.

She is has been asking me stuff like " So and so who is married, but hates her husband is talking to a guy and they fool around and she gives oral to this guy, Do you think that is cheating? What would you call cheating? Kissing? Penetration, etc?" To me it almost seems like she is checking my boundries.

All of the sudden she has this sexual drive that I have never seen before. She wants it every day and a couples times a day if she can squeeze it in. She wants to try new things as well.

this sudden change has me worried, do you all feel like this is something to really worry about or am I just insecure.

We have been married for 6 years, together for 12 and have two wonderful kids.
 

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If you aren't comfortable with this, then you should put a stop to it. I wouldnt be confortable with this situation.

You don't want to come off controlling so you are coming here to make sure you are in the right. I do not think you are being insecure about this.

You wonder if she is checking your boundaries. She was. She was also ****-testing you by asking you this. How did you respond?
Deal with this before it goes far.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Is she having an affair?


I don't know as of yet. I don't see any idication of it. This sudden change of behavior and all these questions and scenerios she ask about just has me questioning why.

She tells me things about people at work like "this person wants to sleep with this one guy at work." and "The people at work send naked pictures of each other to other people at work" and "This lady likes to sleep with younger guys and has two or three guys she see's on a regualr basis"

And these are the people she has befriended at work.

I'm just confused and concerned. She is planning an overnight trip out of town with this groupl of people in the coming months for a music concert. It's not giving me a warm and fuzzy feeling. Hence while I am here discussing it.
 

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She is planning an overnight trip out of town with this groupl of people in the coming months for a music concert. It's not giving me a warm and fuzzy feeling. Hence while I am here discussing it.
You're joking, right? Either you go or she doesn't.

Are you trolling? I try not to accuse posters of that any more. I've read worse, but seriously?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
If you aren't comfortable with this, then you should put a stop to it. I wouldnt be confortable with this situation.

You don't want to come off controlling so you are coming here to make sure you are in the right. I do not think you are being insecure about this.

You wonder if she is checking your boundaries. She was. She was also ****-testing you by asking you this. How did you respond?
Deal with this before it goes far.
My reponse was basically "I feel anything intimate such as kissing, groping, etc. would be cheating." She metioned something like she thinks any "Penatration" would be cheating. I asked what she would use to define penatration and she said "The obvious, and deep kissing"
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You're joking, right? Either you go or she doesn't.

Are you trolling? I try not to accuse posters of that any more. I've read worse, but seriously?
My thoughs are exactly this.

I'm not trolling, I am dead serious about this. I have nobody else to discuss this with, and usually wouldnt turn to a forum to address issues.

I am concerned and acutally scared about this.
 

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She's exposed to new situations and, as is typical for a woman, she validates her experiences by talking about them to someone she trusts. Women aren't guys and their communications aren't necessarily linked to a particular goal or purpose like our's. They just "share". Be glad she shares with you. If you were hearing these things about her instead of from her, you'd have reason to worry.
 

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She's going out of town and is wondering what level of infidelity you are comfortable with.

She's hanging out with a cheating crowd and probably likes what she sees in them. They seem to be having fun, she wants in.
 

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"She is planning an overnight trip out of town with this groupl of people in the coming months for a music concert. It's not giving me a warm and fuzzy feeling"

DING! DING! DING! - Warning Will Robinson Warning!

Your wife is on a very slippery slope right now. Whether or not she's crossed any lines yet is to be seen but I wouldn't be surprised.

First and foremost, either you go with her on this trip so you can meet these cool new people or she doesn't go.

Next, today you reach out to your cell phone provider and get the records for her phone. You may be able to do this on-line. Look for ALOT of texts/calls to 1 or 2 numbers you don'r recognoze. Also, can you get a hold of her phone and look at her texts? Are there more texts on the bill than what are showing on the phone?

Later today, get to Walmart or BestBuy and get 2 voice activated recorders (VARs) and place one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Keep the other one to switch out with the first

Last, get a keylogger on the PC as soon as possible

Now sit back and monitor. Trust but verify and go to the infidelity section here at TAM and do some reading FAST!
 

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My reponse was basically "I feel anything intimate such as kissing, groping, etc. would be cheating." She metioned something like she thinks any "Penatration" would be cheating. I asked what she would use to define penatration and she said "The obvious, and deep kissing"
Now is your time to Man Up.

You now need to create and assert personal boundaries to deal with the situation you find yourself in. To create and learn how to enforce your boundaries read Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men: Wayne M. Levine: 9780979054402: Amazon.com: Books.

Basically you need to assert boundaries of intolerance. For example “You're planning an overnight trip with this group of people? That’s a deal breaker for me.”.

Don’t explain yourself when she asks what you mean because for sure she'll know and will just be playing you. As she is now. Don’t ever do that. Just tell her she’ll find out what you mean if she ever goes on that trip.

Same with her trying to define (or redefine lol) what constitutes cheating. Just tell her “You ever kiss another man that’s a deal breaker for me”. She really does need to know what YOUR boundaries are. Not those of the shetheads she works with. Don’t ever let her or them define your boundaries for you.

Just keep quietly but softly firmly, in an exceedingly unmoveable, un-persuadable way asserting your boundaries of intolerance.

You cannot ever control your wife. But you can tell her the type of behaviour that will end her marriage to you. Then it is her choice as to what she does. Good luck.
 

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She is has been asking me stuff like " So and so who is married, but hates her husband is talking to a guy and they fool around and she gives oral to this guy, Do you think that is cheating? What would you call cheating? Kissing? Penetration, etc?" To me it almost seems like she is checking my boundries.
Just out of curiosity, how did you feel when she asked you that? I belive if one has to explain to his wife that oral sex is cheating is enough to drive him mad right up the wall
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Just out of curiosity, how did you feel when she asked you that? I belive if one has to explain to his wife that oral sex is cheating is enough to drive him mad right up the wall
Let's say I felt it in my gut. She has never asked questions like this before, we have always been open about everything and this felt to me like someone dropped a bomb. I've been stewing over this since Saturday and just didn't really know where to turn or who to talk to.
 

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She asked that because she was planning on doing something on that trip.

She knows it's wrong but is trying to rationalize it by saying that intercourse is wrong but implying oral is OK, a la Clinton.

Look OP, she wants to emulate her new friends. She wants to give oral to some guy and is trying to persuade herself it's fine because her friend does it.

Get her away from those people, yesterday.
 

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And one more thing about her questions about oral:

She may have already done these things at these parties.

Why would you let her go to parties with pot smokers, heavy drinking and people who openly cheat? The combination is sucking your wife into a new lifestyle. Getting her out may be a problem.
 

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Maybe she was just asking, I know I sometimes wonder my dh's opinion on certain things doesn't mean I plan on doing it.

Please don't take your or other people's assumptions to far. Not saying you shouldn't be concerned, but many relationships were forever tainted cause one spouse liked to assume things, not good.Communication is the key, stewing about it isn't going to do anything for her she can't read your mind. Say something.

Was your wife out of the workforce for awhile before she got this job or a sahm? Did she have friends before meeting them?
 

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Maybe she was just asking, I know I sometimes wonder my dh's opinion on certain things doesn't mean I plan on doing it.

Please don't take your or other people's assumptions to far. Not saying you shouldn't be concerned, but many relationships were forever tainted cause one spouse liked to assume things, not good.Communication is the key, stewing about it isn't going to do anything for her she can't read your mind. Say something.

Was your wife out of the workforce for awhile before she got this job or a sahm? Did she have friends before meeting them?
Unless she just got out of a convent she shouldn't have to ask if giving oral is cheating. IMHO
 
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