Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 60 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I am in desperate need of some outside opinions on whether I am being overly possessive or if my wife is being unfair.

Background: my wife and I are going through a rough patch right now. We have been married less than two years and she just went back to school. She has been extremely busy and when she isn't working, she is socializing with her classmates. I join in when I can and when she invites me, but she has been prioritizing hanging with her classmates more and more since school has begun. She also became really close to a male friend and has been spending a lot of time with him, though she claims never alone. We had been fighting constantly over a number of things for about a month or so until recently things have started to get a bit better after a series of difficult talks.

Current Issue: One of the major things we have argued about is her spring break plans. Essentially, she came to me one day and said she was going to go to Africa for 10 days on a group trip with school (which has nothing do with her education - it is just a spring break trip) with about 35 other people in the spring. She didn't invite me initially, didn't really want to have any discussion about it; she just told me that was what she was doing. I asked if partners were able to go and she told me that they could go if there were spots open but it was highly unlikely. She also told me she wouldn't want me to go if I were going to be the only spouse "tagging along." There were probably other trips where spouses could get in but she never really divulged any information about that - she was set on this one trip from the start. She did agree not to go on the same trip as the close male friend after I told her that would bother me, but I was still hurt pretty badly.

We have always loved traveling together, our wedding was travel themed but she was adamant about going by herself. The thing is we really have not gotten to spend much time together over the past few months. Her schedule is full and mine is getting very busy. It seems like almost anytime she gets a free moment she chooses to hang out with her school friends and not me. Recently, she has working on making me more of a priority but I am really pretty upset about this trip. I want to trust her but she can get pretty unreliable and prone to treating me pretty poorly when she is drunk (I don't think she has cheated but I worry about it a lot). We are both working on things but this trip is really worrying me already and it is still a few months away. I just feel like she is going to do what she wants there and that she feels like what I don't know won't hurt me. I am unsure how to handle it. I have already told her I would like to go somewhere with her but she just told me I need to let her do her own thing (she says she let me do my own thing before we were married). I can't tell her she can't go because then I am just controlling and she wouldn't have it. I am confused and don't really know what to think at this point. Advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,656 Posts
From what you have said you have a right to be concerned.

You may want to stick a voice activated recorder in her car and figure out what you are up against.
Her wanting to go on the trip without you and spending more time with her classmates rather than with you are both red flags.
I would say if she goes then you should just file something is going on imo.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
I'd be concerned.Big time.

But then again I don't agree with taking any sort of vacation without my spouse even though many people have no problems with that sort of arrangement.

Even if nothing is going on she is still pushing you to the side and that's not right either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
In my opinion, you are not being too possessive.

I don't think married/LRT couples should do social trips without one another, unless maybe it's once in a while with a really good friend of the same sex, and they don't go somewhere that will cause temptation (ie Las Vegas). For example, if your wife wanted to go on a spa weekend with her sister/best girl friend, that would be ok I think.

However, this is not the case. She is going out of the country with a presumably mixed-sex group of people neither of you know very well.

You are married. Your wife should be going on vacation with YOU, not some random classmates. She should, in the very least, invite you to join and not go if there isn't a spot for you.

I'm sure others will disagree with me, but that's how I see it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,656 Posts
I'd be concerned.Big time.

But then again I don't agree with taking any sort of vacation without my spouse even though many people have no problems with that sort of arrangement.

Even if nothing is going on she is still pushing you to the side and that's not right either.
:iagree:
It does sound at the very least like she is checking out of the marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
I know something is wrong but I don't know whether something is going on or not. She is distancing herself from me but I am not sure whether it is the school (which encourages the students to socialize and "network" constantly), or if it is my fault or hers. I guess I just don't know what my expectations should be from her in this situation.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
:iagree:
It does sound at the very least like she is checking out of the marriage.
I agree that she is checking out and I'm not really sure what to do. I know she still loves me but i have gone through some tough times lately and I think she has lost respect for me. I am getting myself back together now but I fear it may be too late.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
It doesn't matter what's going on in your lives,you both should still make every effort to meet each the needs of the other person as you did before marriage.

For some reason she is placing her social life and networking at a higher value than her husband.You need to figure out why.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,656 Posts
I know something is wrong but I don't know whether something is going on or not. She is distancing herself from me but I am not sure whether it is the school (which encourages the students to socialize and "network" constantly), or if it is my fault or hers. I guess I just don't know what my expectations should be from her in this situation.
Posted via Mobile Device
You may have to ask her if she still wants to be married or not but more importantly what do you want.
You can't control her but you can control what you will put up with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
You may have to ask her if she still wants to be married or not but more importantly what do you want.
You can't control her but you can control what you will put up with.
I have asked her this a number of times and she basically says she thinks she does but that she needs to figure out the reason that she is acting this way and not prioritizing our marriage. She says she doesn't understand if I it is something I am doing or not doing, something that is happening or whether she is just ****ed up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
I don't know if I'm a big fan of ultimatums, but you could give her one: Africa trip or our marriage.

Africa will be there in a few years, but the marriage may not be if she doesn't work on it NOW.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I really don't think there is something else she is seeing, she has been pretty honest and truthful about where and what she has been doing.

I thought about an ultimatum and I think at this point I know what the answer would be - we would be splitting up. I don't know if it is the right thing to do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
I really don't think there is something else she is seeing, she has been pretty honest and truthful about where and what she has been doing.

I thought about an ultimatum and I think at this point I know what the answer would be - we would be splitting up. I don't know if it is the right thing to do.
That's tough, I'm sorry.

However, in the long run, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't really care about the vows they made to you?

Only you can answer that, but it's something to think about.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,656 Posts
I really don't think there is something else she is seeing, she has been pretty honest and truthful about where and what she has been doing.

I thought about an ultimatum and I think at this point I know what the answer would be - we would be splitting up. I don't know if it is the right thing to do.
Well then you have your answer.
Why would you you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
Think about it that's all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Yea and both of you make a really good point. I guess the reason is because I think that this is a lot due to the school environment, I know it isn't an excuse but I am not sure she would act this way if she weren't pretty much in a cult like program.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,603 Posts
I join in when I can and when she invites me, but she has been prioritizing hanging with her classmates more and more since school has begun. She also became really close to a male friend and has been spending a lot of time with him, though she claims never alone.

Essentially, she came to me one day and said she was going to go to Africa for 10 days on a group trip with school (which has nothing do with her education - it is just a spring break trip) with about 35 other people in the spring. She didn't invite me initially, didn't really want to have any discussion about it; she just told me that was what she was doing. I asked if partners were able to go and she told me that they could go if there were spots open but it was highly unlikely. She also told me she wouldn't want me to go if I were going to be the only spouse "tagging along."
Yeah, this is a problem. If she prioritizes everything over you and essentially told you she was going to Africa, no matter what you thought about it, then it's clear she is one of those "my way or the highway" people.

And note: she didn't want you to go on that trip with her.

You need to have a talk with her.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 
1 - 20 of 60 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top