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Hoping some of the ladies can give me some advise. Men who have tackled this are welcome to chime in as well, but based on the question, seems more likely the women on the forum may have more insight.

Wife and I in our 40's, married 20 years, together about 25ish years. Sex has been the "one issue" in our marriage (see my other posts), and as we have slowly worked on repairing that, some unresolved aspects keep popping up.

My wife, has always had a hard time having an orgasm with a partner. I am not just saying PIV, but any stimulation type has been hard for her to orgasm. She said early on in the relationship, she gets into her own head. Many, many years ago (first yer of marriage), I purchased her the first vibrator, and it worked nearly every time (she very rarely does not have an O when the vibrator is included). We use it together, including with PIV sex. We have purchased a few different ones over the years and she uses one of them 100% of the time. I am fine with it, and encourage it, since I want her to be fulfilled sexually, but she seems frustrated that she needs the toys to orgasm. She has voiced, multiple times, that she wishes she could finish without a vibrator. Sometimes, she does not like it, because she feels somehow the experience would be better "naturally" (her word, not mine), and sometimes it is because of the inconvenience and noise. Sometimes she would like to have sex and an orgasm when the vib is not with us, or when were are somewhere that the noise would be an issue. She also seems to feel inadequate for needed it (again, nothing I say, but she mentions this). She has said she cannot reach orgasm even when she is alone without it, although she rarely even tries.

My questions for the forum:
  • Isn't it common knowledge that many women need extra stimulation to orgasm, and wouldn't my wife know it is not all that unusual? Seem odd she beats herself up over this...to me, it is the same as how many women d not orgasm from PIV alone....totally normal.
  • Being that I think a lot of her doubt is more mental than physical, I would like to encourage her to "retrain" her mind and body to respond to touch and encourage her to learn to give herself and orgasm by hand, but with marriage history of sex issues (mostly difference in desire level), I have normally stayed away from any advise to her. I think it is likely, if she tried a few times (on her own), she could likely have an orgasm without a toy, and would then feel better about herself. It seems one of those things, if you prove to yourself you can once, it is easier in the future. She NEVER gives it a chance, and always quickly resorts back to the toy. Is this healthy to discuss...or just let it be her thing?
  • Have other of you women struggled with this feeling "dependent" and it being an issue for you? I have read about may other women who say they need a vibrator, but never any say it is an issue for them? Seems most are just ok with it?
In closing, I have ALWAYS been very encouraging about the vibrators, as I want us to both have satisfying sexual experiences, but selfishly, I do wonder if part of marriage desire discrepancy, is that my wife shy's away from sex sometimes, because she is frustrated that it will have to include the vibrator, so I am somewhat inclined to want to offer suggestions? Obviously, I also love my wife, so I don't want her to feel this inner turmoil about it.
 

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  • Isn't it common knowledge that many women need extra stimulation to orgasm, and wouldn't my wife know it is not all that unusual? Seem odd she beats herself up over this...to me, it is the same as how many women d not orgasm from PIV alone....totally normal.
I'm not sure what you mean by extra stimulation. Women generally need stimulation to orgasm. PIV does not do it for the vast majority of women. Women are built specifically to not orgasm during PIV. I've read that many assume this is because after a man comes, the woman needs to stay on her back and have orgasms to encourage movement of the sperm to get her pregnant.

You know, it seems that all men need stimulation to orgasm as well. Has this dawned on her?

  • Being that I think a lot of her doubt is more mental than physical, I would like to encourage her to "retrain" her mind and body to respond to touch and encourage her to learn to give herself and orgasm by hand, but with marriage history of sex issues (mostly difference in desire level), I have normally stayed away from any advise to her. I think it is likely, if she tried a few times (on her own), she could likely have an orgasm without a toy, and would then feel better about herself. It seems one of those things, if you prove to yourself you can once, it is easier in the future. She NEVER gives it a chance, and always quickly resorts back to the toy. Is this healthy to discuss...or just let it be her thing?
I think you are right that she has been trained to only orgasm using a vibrator. Vibrators are much more focused and provide more stimulation than any other form of sexual stimulation. She can retrain herself to not require a vibrator but it is up to her to do this. A sex therapist would probably help her. There are also article online that might help.

  • Have other of you women struggled with this feeling "dependent" and it being an issue for you? I have read about may other women who say they need a vibrator, but never any say it is an issue for them? Seems most are just ok with it?
Not an issue I've had.
In closing, I have ALWAYS been very encouraging about the vibrators, as I want us to both have satisfying sexual experiences, but selfishly, I do wonder if part of marriage desire discrepancy, is that my wife shy's away from sex sometimes, because she is frustrated that it will have to include the vibrator, so I am somewhat inclined to want to offer suggestions? Obviously, I also love my wife, so I don't want her to feel this inner turmoil about it.
Maybe you could go to a sex therapist to learn some techniques as well.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I'm not sure what you mean by extra stimulation. Women generally need stimulation to orgasm. PIV does not do it for the vast majority of women. Women are built specifically to not orgasm during PIV. I've read that many assume this is because after a man comes, the woman needs to stay on her back and have orgasms to encourage movement of the sperm to get her pregnant.

You know, it seems that all men need stimulation to orgasm as well. Has this dawned on her?


I think you are right that she has been trained to only orgasm using a vibrator. Vibrators are much more focused and provide more stimulation than any other form of sexual stimulation. She can retrain herself to not require a vibrator but it is up to her to do this. A sex therapist would probably help her. There are also article online that might help.


Not an issue I've had.


Maybe you could go to a sex therapist to learn some techniques as well.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
She can have a climax in 30 seconds from a vibrator, so it is almost so easy, she does not want to put effort into doing it other ways, but then complains she does not feel as "close" when her O comes from a toy. It seems to boil down to that she does not love feeling dependent, but also does not care enough to put effort into learning another way.

My skills don't even come into play. We do oral, fingering, touching, kissing, etc., but never long enough that my skills (or lack of) would be impact. As the lower desire partner, my wife prefers sex to be fairly straight to the point and not drawn out, which means in almost all (not 100%, but the majority), we fool around for 5 minutes, then out comes the toy. Even when she is alone, she said she goes immediately for the vibrator and works straight to a finish.

She often tells me, that her mind will wander to much, and if she is in the mood, she wants to get straight to the finish. Again, as I said above, part of this is just a lesser desire, so not as much interest in it being an ordeal. There are occasions, although somewhat rare, that things are different, but it is for sure not often

The thing that bothers me, is that she is saying on one hand that she does not like feeling dependent, but then on teh other hand has no interest in doing anything about it. I feel our marriage misses out on a lot
 

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It sounds like she's a two O per session gal when you two have sex.

One when just starting and one after a period of time during that's more in concert with you and the time building intimacy or closeness.

Doesn't have to be either/or is one way to approach this shaky ground.
 

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I don’t really understand why sex is a problem in the marriage. It seems like this is a lot of stress and negativity and it’s all a matter of perspective. It’s strange to read it.

Most women don’t have orgasms every time they have sex. And sex is still enjoyable. She seems to have a very negative glass half empty view on life. For example, I can still think I have a great sex life if I orgasm 50% of the time. Who cares.
I don’t really get her frustration. She actually frustrates me reading this thread. She’s in her head too much. If the vibrated frustrates her so much she should store it aware somewhere and stop using it. If that means having sex without an orgasm for some time then who cares. The vibrator can be great, but it can also act like a crutch. If she didn’t have it, she would probably try different positions and things to try to reach orgasm. This of course is if she knows she can’t use the toy.

Also, she needs to be able to give herself an orgasm without a vibrator. I think that’s super important.

So overall... she sounds.. negative and lazy.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I don’t really understand why sex is a problem in the marriage. It seems like this is a lot of stress and negativity and it’s all a matter of perspective. It’s strange to read it.

Most women don’t have orgasms every time they have sex. And sex is still enjoyable. She seems to have a very negative glass half empty view on life. For example, I can still think I have a great sex life if I orgasm 50% of the time. Who cares.
I don’t really get her frustration. She actually frustrates me reading this thread. She’s in her head too much. If the vibrated frustrates her so much she should store it aware somewhere and stop using it. If that means having sex without an orgasm for some time then who cares. The vibrator can be great, but it can also act like a crutch. If she didn’t have it, she would probably try different positions and things to try to reach orgasm. This of course is if she knows she can’t use the toy.

Also, she needs to be able to give herself an orgasm without a vibrator. I think that’s super important.

So overall... she sounds.. negative and lazy.
Regarding sex, she is somewhat lazy. She does not have much desire to begin with, so having to "work at sex" does not often appeal. That is one of root issues (from my view). I think of sex in marriage as something important, that is always evolving and time put into. My wife just wanted everything to flow naturally, and no work required. She does not care enough about it, to want to learn anything new, but then at the same time, she feels bummed if "easy and natural" is not mind blowing, then plays the "why bother".

Many years ago, a MC told me that the way my wife described things, was almost like she expected sex to be like it is shown in romantic movies, where someone swoops her off her feet, she is totally turned on instantly, and 5 minutes of intercourse gives her a mind blowing orgasm. So....when real life sex does not work that way, she acts like something is wrong. There is nothing wrong with the moments when the mood is perfect and things just flow naturally, but it is hard to hope to maintain that all the time, and we all know movies are not reality.

The really hard thing for me, is that I am totally fine with sex toys being part of our sex life. I have no issue, but I cannot control her to feel fine about it. We still always use sex toys, but it seems to "bum her out", and she feels "dependent", but yet has no motivation to make any changes.
 

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I wish it was easier to get wives to participate in sex toy parties, not in an erotic way but what I mean is more like an Avon party, or Tupperware. I have to think if a group of women could normalize talking about sex toys and sharing their experiences and feels about it with other women, it could help situations like these. Especially if some of the women can demonstrate what its like to embrace sex toys and change the stigmatized ways they are viewed in their circle of culture. On top of that, having other people to talk openly about these types of things could help break loose personal preconceptions and help people change the way think about sex, toys and their sex lives in general.
 

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The really hard thing for me, is that I am totally fine with sex toys being part of our sex life. I have no issue, but I cannot control her to feel fine about it. We still always use sex toys, but it seems to "bum her out", and she feels "dependent", but yet has no motivation to make any changes.
Well there you have it. Only she has the power to improve things.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Well there you have it. Only she has the power to improve things.
I agree, but as the higher desire partner, I get frustrated that she does not take the initiative to do anything about it, but then lets me know that her feeling "bummed" ends up contributing to lower amounts of sex. I already have come to terms about it (in the logical part of my brain), but emotionally I have never accepted it.
 

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During a very non-confrontational and pleasant conversation with my wife earlier this week, she again confirmed that she sometimes "skips" (her words) or avoids sexual encounters, because she feels it will always lead to getting off with a vibrator. She went on to say, she does not feel as "close" because of the sex toys, but she feels she cannot orgasm without a toy. I feel caught in a catch 22. She actually referenced how often in movies and TV, everyone has awesome sex, after only 3 minutes, and never have to reply on a vibrator. She is no dumb, and knows movie and TV are fake, but it seems the idea that it should just come easily was imprint on her, and when it is harder for her to orgasm, she feels something is "wrong" with her. I honestly feel bad for her, that this weighs on her. I looked up numerous articles for her, and we left the conversation in a decent place, and I think she is going to explore trying to retrain her mind and body to receive pleasure without a toy.

I reassured her, that toys are fine for me, but I also understand why she struggles with it.

Now...the interesting thing will be if she actually follows through. Being that sex is not a high priority for her, I can imagine that this will slip away to become a non-priority, and a few months from now, we will be in the same place.
 

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Perhaps she, and you with her after she figures it out, will explore new ways to use her fingers to orgasm without 3vdc or 9vdc assistance.

That could be a bridge to mutual appreciation.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
that is my hopes. The historic issue, was she never )(or very rarely) tried, because she had made up her mind it will not work. Even when I do touch her, after 1 minute, she pulls out the vibe. I wish she was open to being just a tad more patient, and giving it a shot. I have encouraged her to try on her own, but that is in her court
 
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