[ActionReaction]

Hi everyone. I will try not to make this too long.

My wife, I have been with for a short while. We got married in May, but before we got married, we were together for about 2 years or so. Here's the story:

She had been married before and had a child with him when she was 18. She got separated. I met her at a restaurant/bar/club type place when she was 24. We trade numbers. I talk to her on and off for a year. We date other people during this year but stay in contact through facebook. We end up getting together after the year.

One night we are drinking and I ask her if she has ever done anything crazy. She says she has had 2 threesomes (both FFM). Not cool in my eyes. I thought she was some innocent housewife who was perfect.

Then I find on her computer one day an email to a friend of hers that pretty much went this way:

"i really like him, he is way bigger than anyone i have ever been with and my thighs are all bruised up, we had to shower over and over and we got so sweaty and we had sex so many times throughout the day, i love being naked with him and I can barely walk!"

wtf.

then i find out she had a *** buddy. she didnt want a relationship, she just had sex with him alot.

all of this happened in the year that i was talking to her. it has had a huge impact on our relationship. i have felt inferior and feel that she was just not worth my time.

however, i got through it, and she is a GREAT person now and i just cant see how someone like her did all of this.

now we are married, with a baby on the way, and i STILL cant get over this stuff. someone please help me. am i being rediculous? everytime I mention it to her she gets mad because it starts a huge fight because she said she found out that her husband had been cheating on her and she went crazy.

someone help me figure this out. am i being irrational? or should i have never married her???

 

[CandieGirl]

If you weren't really together that year, then there's not much you can do...but if you knew she was into stuff that you aren't cool with, why'd you carry on with her?

I don't groove off stuff like that either, my dealbreakers were threesome's and hookers. Any guy that was into anything like that, was automatically flushed, as I know it would continue to bother me no matter how great the guy might be.

 

[tryingtobebetter]

Action

First, we are all irrational creatures. The idea that humans are basically rational is a myth. Our emotions which are what drive our behaviour are based in the primitive parts of our brain.

Retroactive jealousy, which is what you have, seems to be pretty common, especially among men.

The best way to deal with it is to ignore it, not discuss it with her, live in the present.

 

[KathyBatesel]

I think that everyone has a right to their values, but I personally think that the values both of you have are a bit.... unrealistic these days.

Our sexuality is a natural part of who we are, and many people explore and experiment with it as part of their young adult years. When people expect others to be judgmental, they're more likely to lie about their experiences than to tell the truth and risk someone's respect.

So while you're certainly entitled to your opinions and values, it could bring you some heartache along the way.

 

[Tall Average Guy]

Why does this stuff bother you? What is it specifically that you can't let go? Is it that she might want it again, or that she settled, or that she is not adventurous with you, or that you don't believe her explanation or what? Pinning down what bothers you might help you figure out how to deal with it (or even if you can).

 

[northernlights]

Maybe try to channel the feelings into something more positive? Like, you wouldn't be bothered if you didn't love her so much, so focus on the good feeling of how much you love her. Also, I'm assuming you have a past too, so that can help you remember that it's all relative. Someone from the 1950s might find your sexual history horrifyingly immoral, you know? We're far more products of our culture than we realize, I think, so claiming moral high ground is unfair.

 

[ActionReaction]

Why does this stuff bother you? What is it specifically that you can't let go? Is it that she might want it again, or that she settled, or that she is not adventurous with you, or that you don't believe her explanation or what? Pinning down what bothers you might help you figure out how to deal with it (or even if you can).

I think it's because she is a girl. That's one reason. She is a girl, and it bothers me because I was raised to think of women as special, reserved beings. This just smacks of...being ****ty.

2, I guess because i feel inferior to 'big guy' now. she hasnt written any letters to friends about ME.

3, probably the fact that i picture her doing these things. intense rage and jealousy ensues and then i end up fighting with her. things will be going fine, and then i start thinking about it, and i get depressed and enraged.

someone help me

 

[CandieGirl]

I don't think it's judgemental at all...to each their own, but personally I am not into that kind of thing. So why would I get with someone who was? If they lied about it, that would be even worse...at least have the integrity to be truthful about your past so that your love interest can make an informed decision whether or not to continue the relationship.

 

[tom67]

I think it's because she is a girl. That's one reason. She is a girl, and it bothers me because I was raised to think of women as special, reserved beings. This just smacks of...being ****ty.

2, I guess because i feel inferior to 'big guy' now. she hasnt written any letters to friends about ME.

3, probably the fact that i picture her doing these things. intense rage and jealousy ensues and then i end up fighting with her. things will be going fine, and then i start thinking about it, and i get depressed and enraged.

someone help me

Maybe go to ic for a few sessions.

 

[CandieGirl]

I think it's because she is a girl. That's one reason. She is a girl, and it bothers me because I was raised to think of women as special, reserved beings. This just smacks of...being ****ty.

2, I guess because i feel inferior to 'big guy' now. she hasnt written any letters to friends about ME.

3, probably the fact that i picture her doing these things. intense rage and jealousy ensues and then i end up fighting with her. things will be going fine, and then i start thinking about it, and i get depressed and enraged.

someone help me

I know how hard it is to 'forget' these things, even if they happened before you and she were together. Counselling may be an option for you...you can also get a lot of it out on here.

Although our situations are different, my H too, did something in the past (before me) that I still have trouble getting over. We're together just about 2.5 years now, and I still struggle. Not as much as before...time heals.

 

[ActionReaction]

it disgusts me, but why is it sometimes i dont even think about it, but then sometimes i do? i just cant imagine her doing these things.

ive been burned in the past, maybe thats also another reason. im scared of what ive gotten myself into...

 

[KathyBatesel]

I think it's because she is a girl. That's one reason. She is a girl, and it bothers me because I was raised to think of women as special, reserved beings. This just smacks of...being ****ty.

2, I guess because i feel inferior to 'big guy' now. she hasnt written any letters to friends about ME.

3, probably the fact that i picture her doing these things. intense rage and jealousy ensues and then i end up fighting with her. things will be going fine, and then i start thinking about it, and i get depressed and enraged.

someone help me

I think IC is a good idea. What you've described here tells me that your ideas of what women are supposed to be is at conflict with your perception of your woman as "good." You'll need to find a way to give yourself permission to see a "good girl" as being someone who is capable of sexuality that is different than you believed.

You don't know that she has or hasn't written letters or talked about you in this or other ways. One man I dated once was hurt that I didn't talk about him the way I'd written about a past relationship in a fiction story I was working on. What he didn't "get" was that what we had was so personal and important to me that I felt I would cheapen it by sharing it, while the stuff I wrote was artificial and unimportant in my mind.

Your jealousy and rage stem from the fact that you don't feel "enough" for her. This causes fights that will eventually "PROVE" that you're not good for her and she will be forced to leave the raging, angry man you become. By getting into rage, you're stripping her of her ability to see you as a good man and forcing her to acknowledge that you're not. Why would you want to do this to yourself?

Individual counseling could help you feel better about yourself and learn to cope with your feelings in a way that doesn't interfere with your relationship.

 

[ActionReaction]

I think IC is a good idea. What you've described here tells me that your ideas of what women are supposed to be is at conflict with your perception of your woman as "good." You'll need to find a way to give yourself permission to see a "good girl" as being someone who is capable of sexuality that is different than you believed.

You don't know that she has or hasn't written letters or talked about you in this or other ways. One man I dated once was hurt that I didn't talk about him the way I'd written about a past relationship in a fiction story I was working on. What he didn't "get" was that what we had was so personal and important to me that I felt I would cheapen it by sharing it, while the stuff I wrote was artificial and unimportant in my mind.

Your jealousy and rage stem from the fact that you don't feel "enough" for her. This causes fights that will eventually "PROVE" that you're not good for her and she will be forced to leave the raging, angry man you become. By getting into rage, you're stripping her of her ability to see you as a good man and forcing her to acknowledge that you're not. Why would you want to do this to yourself?

Individual counseling could help you feel better about yourself and learn to cope with your feelings in a way that doesn't interfere with your relationship.

she says that! she doesnt talk about me like that because what we have is more personal and means more and doesnt want to put it out there like that. she said she was out of her mind at that period in her life.

what you have said has made alot of sense. very insightful.

would love to hear more and from more people on this. maybe i need more medication too.

 

[Tall Average Guy]

she says that! she doesnt talk about me like that because what we have is more personal and means more and doesnt want to put it out there like that. she said she was out of her mind at that period in her life.

what you have said has made alot of sense. very insightful.

would love to hear more and from more people on this. maybe i need more medication too.

I think Kathy has given you a lot to work with. You need to get comfortable with your wife having been a sexual being before she met you. You also need to get comfortable with her having made some choices that she would not make now (I am reading between the lines based on you saying that she did these things when she went crazy).

We all have made choices that we regret. But those decisions make us who we are now. Your wife is who she is based on those things. Are there any decisions that you made that you regret? Any sexual encounters that were for physical release only? It can sometimes help to work through things by recognizing that you have some of the same faults.

Also understand that your wife is feeling a bit of a bait and switch. You knew about her going into marriage, but now seem to be changing the rules.

 

[CandieGirl]

it disgusts me, but why is it sometimes i dont even think about it, but then sometimes i do? i just cant imagine her doing these things.

ive been burned in the past, maybe thats also another reason. im scared of what ive gotten myself into...

That's called triggering; the best way to deal is to identify and discuss...not start a raging argument. In time, the triggers will lessen (hopefully).

 

[F-102]

My W has a sexual past with other men, but I never ask her about it. Not because I'm scared of what I may hear or having this absurd "good girl" image image of her shattered, but I just don't really feel it's my place to know. I know we have been faithful to each other since we met and what we did before is not of each other's concern.

To me, it would be akin to being implicated with my friend who had committed a crime way before I knew him, but the judge telling me "It makes no difference-you should have investigated and found out his past before you got friendly with him."

 

[IrishGirlVA]

she said she was out of her mind at that period in her life.

Very possible. I know that I had a period of time in my life where I was reckless. It really was not who I was then and it is not who I am now. I wouldn't even dream of doing those things again! Looking back I'm horrified at my behavior. However, I'd be initially inclined to defend it if I was attacked for it. But then I'd come around and calmly explain to that person that I am not proud of what happened, I would not do it again but I can't change it and they have the option of taking it or leaving it. There are consequences for every action.

So the question is -- Does she pay the consequences for what she did in that period of her life or do you by leaving because you can't get past it?

If it helps, whatever I did in the past does not creep its way into my present. Meaning, I do not compare my past experiences with my current ones. What I'm saying is that there is no need to feel insecure. If anything you are probably looked at by her as someone who she greatly admires and respects. She was with a person who didn't mind sharing her and you are someone who refuses to. Of course that is something to be respected!

But you need to think about that question above. This marriage isn't going to work if you can't get over what happened before you two got married or were in a committed relationship.

People can change -- people can learn from their mistakes.

 

[Dad&Hubby]

ActionReaction,

A few things to add or restate. You've been given a lot of great advice here.

1. Definitely get into counseling. It will help IMMENSELY, without medication. You can also repair some recent issues over this with your wife by going into counseling.
2. Own the issue. The problem here isn't what your wife did. She's still the same person right? The problem is YOUR perceptions. You perceive a wife as being a "good girl" all her life. Women don't come in two styles. There's no such thing as a "good girl" and a "bad girl". You want a wife who is good when it comes to morals, character, honesty, communication and loyalty. You want a bad girl when it comes to the bed room. You can have both. More women than not are what I just described, when given the right environment. Women are very "reactionary" (per your name) to their environment. If they feel judged, they'll act prim and proper. If they feel free and open, you'll get a different woman.
3. You're battling insecurity which is YOUR thoughts. It's nothing to do with reality. Your wife chose to marry you, noone else. Do you think your wife is a wonderful woman? Do you think she had options? And with all of those options, she chose you, does that tell you how valuable you really are?
4. In order to help with your insecurity and perceptions. Do you want to be her best friend and how much of a priority is that? If you DO, then stop judging her. She did things, you don't agree with, before being your partner, I know it's hard but a friend doesn't judge others actions. If your best bud had a year where he had to end a bad relationship, then spent the next year finding himself through various sexual antics and finally realized he didn't want that lifestyle and settled down with a wonderful woman. Would you think poorly of him? You might not agree with his decisions, but you'd support him and not judge him. Well be your wife's best friend.
5. Okay so she really liked a guy with a biggun. And yet she didn't marry him or even pursue a relationship. What do you HONESTLY think your wife's answer to the following question be. "Who is your best lover you've had in your life?" Now if you asked her, what was your CRAZIEST sexcapade, that answer might not include you, and that could be a GOOD thing LOL. My wife had a bit of an identity crisis before meeting me. She's an amazing woman in everyway, and has a bit of a wild sex streak and when she was going through her identity crisis, she did something she wouldn't do now. Does that put a stamp across her forehead, not in the slightest. She was a different person then. She freely admits that I helped her "settle" into herself and become the woman she had lost touch with. And I love that I gave her that.

 

[Zig]

OP, does she have all-day long sex sessions with you? Or does she only have sex with you once or twice a week?

Clearly, she prefers wild sex with (probably) a bad boy and prefers you to pay for the children.

If you actually believe her when she says she's more in love with you than any of her ex's, then you kind of deserve what's coming.

 

[Zig]

BTW, you're going to get a lot of responses from people saying that it's normal for some random guy to get wild sex from her and for you to only get vanilla sex, after all you're just her husband.

If you can't see what's wrong with that, then I don't know what else to tell you.