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Discussion Starter #1
Advice please,

over September, I've noticed that my wife, 46, has mood swings. There are a few things that have occurred:

1.
We went to Ireland for a few days, stayed in a hotel with our kids, 13 and 15. It was a work / vacation. We spent 2 days on vacation, and my wife stayed an extra 2 days for work. On the morning that the kids and I were leaving the hotel, we were in the canteen and my wife rushed off to work saying "bye" to the kids and I. Kids and I were upset by this. They were expecting a hug from their mother before the flight, as we do not fly much. I had to console my daughter as to why mum rushed off without a hug. There were a few of her work colleagues in the canteen.

2.
Wife and I travel to work together and in the past she has got very upset if I listen to music when we sit together. So I have stopped doing this as it is rude. Last week, we were travelling together and she popped her head phones in. This got me angry as she was being rude to me. I told her that it was rude, but now she has changed her view that it's an okay thing to do.

3
When we drive together, she always has a pop at my driving and winds me up, so I told her the best / safest thing to do is for one of us to sit in the back of the car.

4
On Friday she was being very loving with me, hugs, kisses and tells me that I give her strength. On Saturday morning, I ask her for a "date" in a restaurant and she snaps that it's too expensive or I should take the kids instead. On the same day we go to the gym and we agree to meet after workout and shower. She kept me waiting 40 mins after our agreed meet time. I told her that I was upset at waiting so long and she laughed at my face.

Am I over re acting to these issues?
 

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What is brothering her...there is something on her mind. Clearly she is demonstrating a lack of respect for you and somewhat the kinds, and avoids one on one communication time...something is on her mind....especially if this is not current to her thinking
 

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Well, it may be that she is going through PMS??? Also, the laugh in your face is actually slap on your face ie she gives a damn.......is there any underlying reason for her to act as such? She is clearly showing lack of respect for you, and in any relation, lack of respect shows a defiant attitude, the reasons for which may be many. Though it does not necessarily mean that she is cheating on you but it can be an indicator.

In my experience, it's better to talk straight and settle the issues directly rather then waiting for it to boil and fester. If she has something on her mind, she should let you know and if she's vague/dismissive about it, then that is surely a warning sign.
 

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Ask her and tell her that these events bothered you. Women like to talk about emotional stuff, be open and transparent instead of second guessing. It could be something you did or did not do or overlooked, have your forgotten any important dates?

It could be hormonal, she is 46 afterall, you may be in for much more of this if she is perimenopausal, I honestly believe that sometimes it seems like payback time when the oestrogen levels drop. The Female Brain by Dr Louann Brizendine illustrates the impacts of hormonal changes and resultant female behaviour.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for the replies. She was nice to me yesterday, so the swing is back again. I did bring up point 4 with her, expecting an apology but she said nothing.

At this point, I feel pretty down about this. I do not like the disrespect and gave her the silent treatment today.

aine, thanks for the book ref. Xenote and Pkwanderer thanks.

If this is hormonal, will councilling be a waste of time?
 

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Never ever give a woman "the silent treatment." It shows weakness and is the classic passive/aggressive response to a difficulty. That doesn't mean you follow them around yammering. It means you communicate as a loving caring spouse. Refuse to be baited, but don't run away emotionally--wearing your heart on your sleeve is just so weak. In fact, all of your wife's "transgressions" seem pretty minor. Are you hormonal?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Never ever give a woman "the silent treatment." It shows weakness and is the classic passive/aggressive response to a difficulty. That doesn't mean you follow them around yammering. It means you communicate as a loving caring spouse. Refuse to be baited, but don't run away emotionally--wearing your heart on your sleeve is just so weak. In fact, all of your wife's "transgressions" seem pretty minor. Are you hormonal?
Wow. That's bull.
 

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Ummmm, You really got to be creative and stay two steps ahead of her.

So if she wants to plug in her headphones, you put on your headphones to and hand her a headphone splitter (so that you can hear what she is listening to).

If she criticizes your driving, hand her a magnetic sign to put outside her door that says "Marital Driving School - Student Husband" so that passers by will understand and turn on your hazard lights.

Since it is almost halloween, buy one of those fake skeletons and keep it handy. Next time she leaves you waiting, put the skeleton in your place with a sign that says, "waiting for my wife to get home!" Meanwhile you go out and have a good time doing whatever you want!

Cheers,
Badsanta
 

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Your wife to getting to that sweet spot call Men-o-pause. If you think its a b!tch on you, think about her. I think God is still punishing us for Eve.

I have been warned that I will be thrown out of the car or left on the street, when I made comments on the driving. My h and son looks at me life I am an alien life form. Then, they both disappear.

Please give her loving support and a new iPod. Oh, some cooling pads would be great too. And kids that don't complain that mum is going crazy.

You know we love you. So, when we start acting nuts, buy a Bose noise canceling headphone and leave us alone. We know where to find you, when we need some loving.
 

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Wow. That's bull.
Then keep doing what you've been doing since it works so well for you. What was it that brought you to TAM since you've got all the answers and are rude to those who offer advice.

Good luck.

To your wife. She'll need it.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Then keep doing what you've been doing since it works so well for you. What was it that brought you to TAM since you've got all the answers and are rude to those who offer advice.

Good luck.

To your wife. She'll need it.
Oh dear, someone's got an ego problem. Look at the way you come across.
 

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If this is hormonal, will councilling be a waste of time?

Not necessarily, as usually the hormones just magnify existing problems in the marriage. Oestrogen has this calming effect allowing women to be carers, nurturers and putting up with a lot of bull**** too. However, things change dramatically and you may find the missus is less inclined to let you walk all over her, do all the chores which others should be helping with, deal with all the stuff she has had to before such as work, household, kids, etc. In other words the 'old mum' often disappears and is replaced with a more assertive person who isn't there at everyone's beck and call.

There are treatments such as HRT, Bioidenticals, Ayurvedic, lifestyle changes to diet and exercise etc. the best way to know it to carry out a full hormonal test to see the current levels. Doctors unfortunately often throw drugs such as Xanex, etc at these problems but that is not treating the real problem.

You need to talk to your wife though
 

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I think BrooklynAnn might be right about the hormonal changes, still it is no excuse for her to treat you and the kids the way she does based on your description - if it is menopause kick then you both need to be open about it so you both can support her through it. But I wouldn't tolerate on-going rude behavior, disrespect etc....would any women allow you to do the same if some mediation or other increased your testosterone and made you angrier etc?.....
 

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Discussion Starter #15
thanks aine and brooklynAnn

Did speak to my wife last night. Think we do not communicate as well as we should. Both in high stress jobs and 2 teenagers to bring up.

On point 3 she told me that asking her to sit separately in the car wound her up, but I said that safety comes first and criticizing the driver was not on.

On point 4, she told me that I have been late to meet her in the past so she feels justified. Beginning to feel that this is childish now.

I asked to communicate with me better in the future. I hope we can and grow up a little...
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I think BrooklynAnn might be right about the hormonal changes, still it is no excuse for her to treat you and the kids the way she does based on your description - if it is menopause kick then you both need to be open about it so you both can support her through it. But I wouldn't tolerate on-going rude behavior, disrespect etc....would any women allow you to do the same if some mediation or other increased your testosterone and made you angrier etc?.....
Agreed, I don't plan to let this happen.
 

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Her behaviour sounds really childish.

Granted, if she is hormonal it may have some bearing, but when someone behaves badly, hormones or no, they usually apologize or try to explain.

Sounds like your wife doesn't respect you and holds some grudges. She's see-sawing and may be coming unhinged if there's a lot of stress in her life. Flying off without saying bye to you or your kids shows where her head and hyper focus is at.

I'd be wary of any MLC behaviour. Is she dressing differently? If she had built up resentment, her actions with the headphones might be a passive aggressive "F-U." How many hours is she at work? How many hours do you two spend alone (no kids), bonding?

Is she very friendly with anyone in the office?
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Her behaviour sounds really childish.

Granted, if she is hormonal it may have some bearing, but when someone behaves badly, hormones or no, they usually apologize or try to explain.

Sounds like your wife doesn't respect you and holds some grudges. She's see-sawing and may be coming unhinged if there's a lot of stress in her life. Flying off without saying bye to you or your kids shows where her head and hyper focus is at.

I'd be wary of any MLC behaviour. Is she dressing differently? If she had built up resentment, her actions with the headphones might be a passive aggressive "F-U." How many hours is she at work? How many hours do you two spend alone (no kids), bonding?

Is she very friendly with anyone in the office?
Not dressing differently.

woks 8.30 to 5.30 usually and logs on at home sometimes

we do spend time together but that is normally doing sports: gym, yoga..We could talk more.

works in finance and IT, so many male colleagues. I have VAR her a few times. Maybe I'll start again to make sure nothin's happening.
 
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