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Ok, where do i start. I have been married for 13 years. My wife and i have had a very loving relationship up until the last couple of years. She turned 40, and was vocally upset by getting "old" saying "i only have 10 years of looking good left". Since then she has changed her clothing some, had a boob job and tummy tuck, got collagen in her lips and face etc. Then she opened up a facebook account and started flirting openly. We have fought alot about that since she opened it. Since i have confronted her with the flirting, just just hid it all, and added an instant messenger to her account. She became "best friends" with a married male, and they have spent numerous hours on the phone, though she has recently said they dont talk much, there were times when they talked for alot (6 hours over two weeks). she has also lightly flirted with him in front of me. In the last year, she has been depressed, complaining alot about the daily "grind" of taking care of the kids, not getting out to do anything (she is a stay at home mom)--often saying that she is jealous of her friend who has a husband who doesnt care where she is, and no kids at home so her friend can do whatever she wants. Last year, she started texting a single guy, including on Xmas morning while I was playing with the kids and setting up their toys. I later confronted her over a conversation where her female best friend said "something is so going to happen between you two" (of the single man). She says that was nothing and i am just overly jealous and controlling. Yet, another warning sign, and she continued to text him for another few months. So, this year, in July, something snapped, we just stopped talking for a couple weeks, and when i confronted her, she laid into me about never loving her, and specifically saying that when we broke up (by letter--my bad) 15 years ago when we were dating, it really hurt her and now, after 13 years of marriage, she wants to separate. She refuses to see any counceling,or admit that this is a MLC, i tell her i love her and this is hearbreaking and she basically says she is sad, but needs to get away. I dont think she has any good reason so leave, but do have a theory. My theory is that she has been flirting on facebook, and the guys have been hitting on her alot, and she wants to live like she is 25 again. I represent nothing more than a boring life, and she wants more. I am not sure if she is/has cheated, but did notice two notes that she had: one was a grocery list with KY listed (im sure she will say it was some sort of moisture issue), and a gophone activation number (seems to be hiding communication again). I am contemplating just filing for divorce--I cant change the past, and after 13 years of a loving relationship, cant imagine any way to convince her that i do love her at this point. Advice?
 

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Oh Dear that is a real cr*p situation to be in.

It appears that your W has been making a division and Im sad to say lying about, hiding clear attempts to orchestrate an affir of some kind. You say she has made mention of a seperation be cause its a MLC - Thats another phrase for I want to be away from you where I can openly scre around with anyone I like. You say shes a stay at home mum. OK that is NO excuse there are millions across the world that do that and dont go down the road of cosmetic enhancement and them set up secret phone accounts, use facebook (damn that thing to hell) to seek out guys and hide new phones. I guess some instant action is needed as at present you are funding this so
Put a stop on her debit/creit cards. Block all phone charges to your account except one you control. Drop the internet line, Check your bank account for payments to another account that she may have set up to clean payments through. Get some much needed legal advice. Then stop her bringing the other guy (as far as you know him) in to your circle - shes going to do this andnappears to have been at it for a while so suddenly having her funding for fun cut will have effect. Then as she suggest that she wants the divorce tell her its her to move out and then lock changing time - soon she will need to get a job, work the hours to fund the fun time andnthen see if she has the time and stamina to fool about when she has to look after an apartment somewhere, pay for utilities, phone, car, food etc. Kids come first and they can stay with you as she is off fooling about - its tough on kids in this situation.

You will fell like awful doing this but if you think it through she presently has the best of both worlds andn has had you pay for the life shes had to date. Now she wants a single life... let her taste it as she will be cheating and the wear and tear on you if she is in your homw will be incredably stressful and cause great anxiety. Im sure some of the other guys will coe uo with more points to help but YOU MUST ACT SOON and not tell her anything your doing as she will set up contingencies to cover it. That will make it even more difficult for you to cope. Oh, consider a STI check soon as well as she cold well be using the KY with someone else
 

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By telling her you love her and all that I think you are doing what comes intuitively and naturally. But it has the opposite effect to that which you want to happen in that instead of bringing her closer to you it pushes her further away from you.

Not the least because it makes you look a weak man in her eyes and a weak is neither attractive or desirable.


I think you are far better telling her that you recognise she’s an adult and is very clear with what she wants to do with her life. Tell her that you love her but you will not hold her back from seeking the type of life and happiness she wants.



Now take the lead (away from her) and get the separation and divorce arrangements going, what the financials will be, what the grounds for the divorce are etc.

Tell her that you will now detach emotionally from her such that you start your emotional separation and that communications between the two of you will be about the children and “business”. Then start detaching financially, take her off of the bank accounts, cancel her cards and take total control of all bill payments etc. Give her some petty cash each week, treat the finances like a business from now on.

This is called doing the 180. The idea here is to drop her in the deep end of her single life as quickly as you possibly can. Don’t let her tip toe into the shallow end and slowly work her way into deeper water. Put her in deeper water as soon possible.

Really do get ready to let her go. Maybe, just maybe you’ll knock some sense into her. If you do and she wants back in, have your boundaries (conditions) ready. MC, go on a marriage course, remorseful behaviour that sort of thing.
 

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I agree that you must act soon. The sooner you act the sooner you can start to cope with everything and get your life back on track.

This sounds like a case of people thinking the "grass is greenier". As AFEH said, this may know some since into her. And if that is something that you want, BOUNDARIES must be set.
 

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This isn't an MLC

This is/are affairs.

You can't change the locks on her! Talk to a lwayer today to find out your rights but do take half the money in any joint accounts and move it to an account with only your name on it

Work on hard evidence gathering to include:

-VAR in car under front seat
-Keylogger on PC
-Copy of cell phone records

FILE, FILE, FILE!
 

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I am so sick of hearing about SAHM's complaining about their "boring" lives. I would have given anything to be able to stay home & raise by daughters instead of having to work full time.

Who financed all of her plastic surgery? Your wife is an entitled, ungrateful princess who is using you for your money & is not a good role model for your children.

Again, others will chime in about the cheating.....sigh....
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Hard to imagine, but i guess if i hear it enough i will agree. A year ago, she cried at my dad's funeral at the thought of losing me....now she wants out. I got very similiar advice from another blog as well, but i guess those 15 people weren't enough for me. These are the times that try men's souls i guess.

I did detach emotionally since July, we have barely talked and been essentially "in house" separated. But when we talked two weeks ago, she said she still doesnt know what she wants..translation " i want out and dont know how to tell you." so i forced it and said i need to know, and she said she wanted a trial separation. I said, after 13 years, another 1 year of me telling you i love you wont make a difference. I was going to file next spring, but the advice i keep getting is to file now. I think she wants to wait for the holidays for the kids--which my world revolves around, so she knows im partial to anything for them. And the fact that her reasons for leaving me just wont fly with her whole family, then know me and us as a couple way too much--she will look like a dumba$$.
 

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I am sorry, but she checked out a long time ago. I believe that you have let to much time pass already. I would have divorce papers drawn up. When presented with them she will quit what she is doing or leave. I place my money on her leaving. I am so sorry you find yourself here.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
The sad part Emerald, is that SHE wanted to be the SAHM to raise our kids, she hated work. Now, she *****es and complains that she is bored bored bored, and eludes to it being my fault. I told her i would love to stay home but....that goes nowhere.
 

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I'd put her ass out and change the locks. She wouldn't get back in unless she brought cops with her and they made me do it (it's not actually legal to put people out).

She wants to act like a rebellious teen (one with no income no less) then she can do it elsewhere. I wouldn't stand to sit there and have her disrespect me right in my face.
 

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The sad part Emerald, is that SHE wanted to be the SAHM to raise our kids, she hated work. Now, she *****es and complains that she is bored bored bored, and eludes to it being my fault. I told her i would love to stay home but....that goes nowhere.
Right. Let the princess go & find yourself a nice woman.

Sucks that you will have to pay her alimony though.
 

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Oh and the "I don't know what I want" is translation for I'm not done squirreling enough money away to get out. She doesn't work. Whos paying the bills? Thats right, YOU are. She hasn't secured another sponsor yet so she's still working on it and needs to string you along to do it. It's a stall tactic.

To not seek any type of counseling is the biggest red flag there is. She's interested in who-ering around and counseling will only guilt her into doing what's right. She's a married woman with kids to raise. She doesn't want anyone telling her she's wrong.
 

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Hard to imagine, but i guess if i hear it enough i will agree. A year ago, she cried at my dad's funeral at the thought of losing me....now she wants out. I got very similiar advice from another blog as well, but i guess those 15 people weren't enough for me. These are the times that try men's souls i guess.

I did detach emotionally since July, we have barely talked and been essentially "in house" separated. But when we talked two weeks ago, she said she still doesnt know what she wants..translation " i want out and dont know how to tell you." so i forced it and said i need to know, and she said she wanted a trial separation. I said, after 13 years, another 1 year of me telling you i love you wont make a difference. I was going to file next spring, but the advice i keep getting is to file now. I think she wants to wait for the holidays for the kids--which my world revolves around, so she knows im partial to anything for them. And the fact that her reasons for leaving me just wont fly with her whole family, then know me and us as a couple way too much--she will look like a dumba$$.
That’s code for “I’m going to play and look around all the while keeping you as my back-up plan, my Plan B just in case things don’t work out”.


And if you go along with the “trial separation” she keeps, maintains control of the situation.

Just tell her enough is enough, you’re ending it. That way you take control (very strong and attractive masculine traits) and you dictate the terms should she want back in.
 

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That’s code for “I’m going to play and look around all the while keeping you as my back-up plan, my Plan B just in case things don’t work out”.


And if you go along with the “trial separation” she keeps, maintains control of the situation.

Just tell her enough is enough, you’re ending it. That way you take control (very strong and attractive masculine traits) and you dictate the terms should she want back in.
Gary, pay heed to this advice. You have let this go on too long and don't have any other options. Do not wait any longer for her to see if she needs you as a back up plan. Respect yourself. Good luck, to you.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Oh and the "I don't know what I want" is translation for I'm not done squirreling enough money away to get out. She doesn't work. Whos paying the bills? Thats right, YOU are. She hasn't secured another sponsor yet so she's still working on it and needs to string you along to do it. It's a stall tactic.

To not seek any type of counseling is the biggest red flag there is. She's interested in who-ering around and counseling will only guilt her into doing what's right. She's a married woman with kids to raise. She doesn't want anyone telling her she's wrong.
yeah i agree, she doesnt want help, actually when i have brought up seeking professional help she gets offended that i think she needs help. When i first brought it up, she actually said "if i go, i dont want all this to be my fault". I have tried to be the nice guy, and yes, i do love her--so this is and will continue to be tough, but realized that the "i dont know what i want" was a stalling deal. While if wont be my problem I have had a GF go through all this many years ago, almost a carbon copy of events, and have pointed out that in a couple years, she will be so sad she blew this up....but as expected...that just falls on deaf ears.

I appreciate the support. I have basically no family to lean on (hers i suspect will support me, though they are 200 miles away).

For 2 years i have been told i am a jealous maniac, not letting her talk to guys on facebook, being jealous about her male friend, or being a jerk when i get mad when she goes to a hobby group meeting from 6-10, then wants to go out with the group for drinks until midnight. I know she needs to get out, its hard to be in the house everyday all day. Things just didnt seem right.
 

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So your paying the bill for her hidden phone?

Or did she pawn off her wedding ring?

Let me guess your also paying for the internet and computor she is using?

Sorry man but its time to make her face reality and cut her off, stop all joint accounts and seperate funds.

You already gave her what she wanted emotionally (distance) which is great, but its time to step it up a notch and really show her what she is asking for.......her independence and with that come her pulling her own wieght and paying some bills.

Sure the kids need internet, thats why computers and routors have passwords, so you can lock it down when the cheating wife needs it and unlock for the kids when they need to go online.... sometimes the kids don't need the routor on but just to type homework up.

So show her the tough love that is not controlling but protecting your family. She will always have the control to accept this protection or not, she also has the choice to leave also.

Hell I'd ask her to leave, she may not but its the statement that tells her you will not tolorate sharing her like whats her names husband.

There are plenty of single dads out there that pull it off.

Exposure also helps make the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable, thats why waywards get so pissed off when the betrayed do it.

Its time to let her single boyfriend pay her way.....ya right! as soon as your wife becomes OM problem he will drop her like a rock, especially when you tell his parents that he is with a very married women with kids and a husband that want their support for the marriage.

Thats the thing with exposure...your not being a tattle tale but looking for support. Alway expose the affair by asking others for "support" for your marriage....it doesn't make you out to be the bad guy who is jealous, but a man trying to protect his marriage.

She is in the fog, there is not one guy she will meet that will take care of her in another 30-35 years like you will. She just doesn't see it yet, cause in my opinion she hasn't seen the consequences of what she is about to lose.
 

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Yeah she is certainly in a fog. I was the guy that did anything she wantedt to make her happy...but now i never loved and and hurt her so much 15 years ago that NOW she need out. She doesnt see it, and i expect wont for a year or two, then reality will hit...sadly.
 
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