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I have led a pretty good life up to this point. Im 30, married with two beautiful children and think I have a healthy marriage. I played a professional sport which took me around the world but in most cases, my wife and kids would leave and go back home for various reasons. So this past year, I decided it was going to be my last, I did it alone this time since my oldest was going into first grade and we didn't want her to keep changing environments. I led a bacholer life minus the bachelor sex. In turn, my wife was at home, finishing an internship, raising our two kids and has moved on from the previous lifestyle we had.

Since being back now, about 2 months, I have felt like things are great one minute, then just off the next. My wife works at a hospital, where it seems like she is deliberabely taking night shifts to push all the past responsibility she had onto me. I have a full time job, kids at night, and all weekend. When we talk about her schedule, she says that this is how it has to be for the next while, and can't understand why I haven't transisioned better. For me, going from bachelor to full time work and daddy, its been an adjustment, something that has taken longer than I want.

Anyways, my question is, my wife has recently started writing in a journal. To be quite honest, I am a very trusting person. So today, I was feeling down for the fact I hardly see my wife and wanted to see if she maybe wrote something nice about me in her journal. Now before anyone yells, I know its a gross privacy violation but for whatever reason, I was tempeted.

Well my sense of joy turned to complete shock and fear as I read a passage after her saying that she loved me and I was a good man, to her talking about a younger co-worker who she has a "crush" on. It goes into a little detail about how she can't stop thinking about him, how she needs to stop meeting him for drinks, and how she writes that nothing will ever happen because she says its just a "crush." Mind you, I don't know when she has met him for drinks, but once or twice a week she goes out with the girls for drinks so i'm putting a little picture together here. Our sex life seems to be good, a couple times a week but now I am very fearful of what the next step is. She even has talked about him to me even though I have no clue who he is but she says things like he is obnoxious and annoying. Sounds to me like a grade school thing but I am not sure.

Not to mention she is having anxiety over this, plus finishing up school, the family, her job, etc... I am lost here, have no idea what the next step is. I feel so totally betrayed but at the same time having a hard time comming to terms with everything. I also can't sleep, eat, its affecting my job.

Sorry it was so long, but I feel like i'm in my own little nightmare. Please help
 

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Now you have some info.

What do you plan to do next? Is her journal entry dated? How long has she been going out for drinks?

My advice is to violate her privacy even further by installing a keylogger onto your computer and gaining access to her emails to see if the "crush" has gone above and beyond, if you will. Chances are that she might be texting him too. Be sure to check her phone for the messages and call logs.

Needless to say, you have to do this asap.

And once you confirm that there is nothing to suggest that an affair be it emotional or physical is going on, confront her about this issue. You may have to come down hard on her. She has to stop going out for drinks with her girlfriends. She probably might be using one or two of her girlfriends as alibi. If you do find that things are more serious, you need to make her choose between you and him. Put your foot down.

If you do nothing, well, we'll probably see you in the CWI section in a few months. If this doesn't stop immediately you may just find your wife deep in an affair with her co-worker shortly.

The thing about crushes is that they're normal and you need to avoid them till that feeling subsides and you get used to seeing that same old face in the office. I've had a couple of crushes myself to be honest. But know that when you're crushing on somebody its easy for both you and that somebody to escalate things further. Everytime this guy has drinks with your wife things are gonna heat up just a little bit until one fine day things "just happen" and they're holding hands and then they kiss in the rain and it all "felt so natural".


Aside from all that. People here suggest books for men to improve their relationships.

[url="http://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-MR-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339]No More Mr Nice Guy[/url]

[url="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731]Married Man Sex Life[/url]

Have fun.
 

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She's having an emotional affair.

This can be just as destructive to your marriage as a physical affair so you're going to have to nip this in the bud. It's good that you still have a good sex life. That means the intimacy is still there between you and your spouse.

You're going to have to gather some solid intel on the EA then confront your wife. You might have to expose the EA outside your family or confront the other man.

Get ready to man up and confront this issue. Don't be weak and back down. This is your family and your life. There are no secrets like this in marriage.

Find a way to gather intel on the EA and don't confront her too soon without solid evidence. That's going to be tough cause it's most likely just an EA at this point.

But you also need to confirm it's not progressed to a physical affair yet. That's the direction this is heading if you don't take action. And if you don't have solid evidence she'll lie and gaslight you into believing you're the one at fault. You're not. That's called the cheaters script.

Check out the coping with infidelity section for more info.

Good luck man and keep coming back here for advice. We'll guide you through this. You're definitely not the first to be going through this.
 

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I agree with all the above. There is no privacy in marriage.
 

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OP needs to hire some "obnoxious and annoying" young lady to come into the home while she is on her"girls night out" to help him with his chores.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
 

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First there is no expectation of privacy in marriage, period. Don't believe anything else.

I think you have to tell her that you know that she is having an affair. Yes, it's an affair,and that it has to end. No more going out after work. You want her to change jobs because as long as she sees him every day the temptation is going to be there. If she doesn't want to stop you have to go into massive c0ck blocking mode and show up on drink nights. You also need to be clear that if she doesn't stop, you are throwing her out.

You can't be passive about this. My guess is that she is very close to banging him, if she hasn't already.
 

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While you were leading a bachelor life, she may have been leading a single mom life. This is something that needs to be dealt with and don't be surprised when she is outraged that you "invaded" her privacy.
 

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She is at least having an EA. You claim you guys have zero time together, but she found time to go out for drinks with him ? And you say she also has time to go out once or twice a week "with the girls" for drinks instead of spending time with you ? Not good my friend. I'm guessing this rabbit hole goes deeper. Start digging.

Since she IS having an EA at least, she IS cheating, therefore I would suggest having this thread moved to the CWI section, where you can get a lot more advice.
 
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I have a good friend who's a charge nurse in an ER. She states the infidelity rate is extremely high in that environment.

I also agree that you have every right to read her journal now that your married. Transparency is extremely important in a successful marriage.

Your wife is in an emotional affair if this man is responding back to her. It very well could get physical, especially since they are meeting up for drinks. Your wife is letting you on thinking she's at the night shift when in fact she's out having drinks. Maybe she's meeting him after her shift or she's not going to work at all.

I don't know if you have enough evidence to prove the affair quite yet, but I'd certainly would dig deeper and put a VAR in her car.

Good luck. I'm sorry your going through this.
 

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I have a good friend who's a charge nurse in an ER. She states the infidelity rate is extremely high in that environment.
:iagree: Know several people in the profession and I have heard similar things from them about this
 

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Now before anyone yells, I know its a gross privacy violation but for whatever reason, I was tempeted.
Don't apologize. You're trying to ensure that your children don't grow up as children of divorce. That's worth bending your wife's nose out of shape a bit.

You have two choices on how to proceed. First, you can tell her that she must stop associating with other men and stop going out for drinks with her girlfriends. Free time should be spent either as a couple, or as a family. Don't tell her that you suspect something is going on. Tell her that you KNOW something is going on. But do not tell her how you know. And don't tell her exactly what you know. Cheaters will only admit to what the betrayed spouse already knows. Be vague. There is a good possibility that, if you tell her you've read her diary, she will just stop putting things in her diary and take her affair underground. Make her question every person she sees and every move she makes.

The drawback to this approach is that you will never know for sure exactly what happened and your wife might try to minimize the affair and take it underground. If she thinks she got away with an affair, she may only be emboldened to farther the next time. The advantage is that she must take immediate action. So, if she is on the verge of sleeping with him, you can stop it in its tracks. But you also have to be ready with separation/divorce papers if she tries to waffle or delay. This strategy is all about going caveman on her.

Second, you can investigate further to determine exactly what is going on. Put spyware on her phone to track her texts and calls. Put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car. Get into her email account to check what she's been sending. Look at her phone records and credit card bills for unusual calls and charges.

The advantage to this approach is that you gather more information. You are more likely to know exactly what is happening. It also gives you more time to plan your best course of action. The drawback is that it takes time. It gives the affair time to escalate. If she is on the verge of sleeping with him, a 2-week delay to investigate may just be the time she needs to take things physical.

Ask a mod to move this thread to the Coping With Infidelity section and you will get some good advice on how to proceed.

Good luck.
 

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I'm thinking that in the journal would be all the info needed to determine how deep this thing is. After all, most people don't write in journals and 'edit' their thoughts with the idea that it will be found and read by someone else. That defeats the purpose of writing in a diary in the first place.

That said, this crush she's having is a problem and it should be taken seriously. I would fess up to reading the journal. She's going to be hostile about you and go into the you invaded my privacy thing but you must come back with the truth. When you got married, privacy went right out the window. Vows were made to one another. Forsaking all others was one of them and now you know she's teetering on that fence.

Talk to her and find out what she thinks the state of your marriage is. Find out what you can do together to bring you both back closer to one another. Make plans to spend more time together. She needs the proverbial cold glass of water to the face right now, and you need to give it to her.
 

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1) Gather intel. For you this should be SHORT term. 2 weeks should cover it.

DO NOT USE that you read her journal NOR any electronic evidence.

TELL HER SHE WAS SEEN with a younger man in public then demand a him or me decision. NO MORE GNOs to bars clubs etc. ALL GNOs are early and with clearly defined FEMALE friends. Depending on the depth of the EA she may have to change jobs.

VARS etc.

VARs

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K or higher and sensitivity to very high or better Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while Canother man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got it from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.

2) Once you have intel and facts, Confront. Confront strong and WITH FACTS. DONT CRY. DONT BEG. But it IS YOU OR HIM! End of story.
 

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Well my sense of joy turned to complete shock and fear as I read a passage after her saying that she loved me and I was a good man, to her talking about a younger co-worker who she has a "crush" on. It goes into a little detail about how she can't stop thinking about him, how she needs to stop meeting him for drinks, and how she writes that nothing will ever happen because she says its just a "crush." Mind you, I don't know when she has met him for drinks, but once or twice a week she goes out with the girls for drinks so i'm putting a little picture together here. Our sex life seems to be good, a couple times a week but now I am very fearful of what the next step is. She even has talked about him to me even though I have no clue who he is but she says things like he is obnoxious and annoying. Sounds to me like a grade school thing but I am not sure.
First, other than when you go to the bathroom, there is no privacy between married people. Believe this in your heart before you confront.

Second, she is most definitely in an emotional affair (EA). Even though a EA does not involve physical cheating, it is still cheating. Please Google the term "emotional affair" and read "His Needs, Her Needs".

Third, studies show that approximately 1/2 of all EA become physical affairs (PA) so you must confront ASAP before it goes physical. The fact that they see each other at work and go out drinking together, increases the odds of it going physical significantly.

Confront her now without telling her how you know. Tell her point blank that you know that she has feelings for the other man (OM) and ask her if she can look you in the eye and try to deny this. Then tell her that you know that she is spending time with him and going out for drinks with him and again ask her if she can look you in the eye and also try to deny this. No matter what she says, tell her that you know for sure that she is doing this, and that having drinks with someone from the opposite sex that you have feelings for is dating, and that dating another man while married is cheating pure and simple. Say the above before you talk about her having an emotional affair since many cheaters will debate emotional affairs, but cannot debate that dating someone else is cheating.

Tell her that she is in an emotional affair with this other man (OM) that she is dating, which is also cheating and must stop. Tell her that her not wanting to change her schedule to be able to spend more time with you, so that she can she can spend more time with the OM, is putting her relationship with the OM before her relationship with you her husband. Demand that she go full not contact with this OM and that she change her schedule away form his. Also demand full transpancy including both of you sharing all passwords. Time is not on your side. EA destroy marriages by causing the cheater to detach emotionally from there spouse. Be willing to take action if she does not agree to go full no contact with the OM. Sorry that you are here. Good luck.
 

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I agree with everyone else, your wife's friendship is dangerous and can't be allowed to go on. But don't confront her yet. Find out more, using the previously suggested methods. The easiest and the one you should've done already is to check the phone records for lots of calls and texts to one number.

But she's working with him, so it could be that most of the communication is at work. So it might be hard to find out the exact extent of their relationship.

But lunch dates should be completely unacceptable to you. Even if you didn't find out that she has a crush on him, you shouldn't let your wife go out on lunch dates with some other guy. That goes past a reasonable boundary. It sounds like your wife's boundary is "no sex" with other men, which it looks like she's adhered to--so far, anyway. But her boundaries should be planted several steps before the sex part. Having lunch with this guy is allowing them to bond and develop stronger feelings for each other. Now it's going to be easier for them to take the remaining few steps to kisses, BJs in the parking lot, and then full-blown sex.

So eventually you're going to have to confront your wife and let her know you looked at her diary. And it sounds like you're kind of a wimp when it comes to looking at your wife's personal stuff. She's your wife. You have every right to look at her stuff. You two share a life together. She's not allowed to have another private life complete with other men. When you confront her, no doubt she'll turn it around on you and try to make you feel guilty for looking at her diary. Don't waver in keeping the spotlight on her and her unacceptable behavior, sharing one-on-one time with another man. The only man in your marriage should be you.
 

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Like others have advised you need to start immediately. Photocopy the pages of your wifes journal that are in question. Go into stealth mode and collect much more information, do not tell your wife what you have at this point. With with the little you have, you risk driving the EA underground to where it could becomes a PA. Consult with an attorney, YES!. Get information on what is required for divorce where you live. Get all of the required information. From my experience, you need to prepare the best you can for divorce. You can either confront her then, or, maybe even go as far as filing and having her served. You can always cancel it later. If you want to save your marriage, you need to shock your wife back to reality. Right now, she has all the power over you, and you need to reverse that. Take charge of your marriage and family. You need to show her what she stands to loose. Unfortunately, there may be that chance that she doesnt want the marriage anymore. But, at least you will now know where you stand and what direction you will be headed. Believe me, this is a terrible situation to be in. I know. You will feel empowered by taking control of where you stand. Dont forget to make multiple copies, and hide in very secure locations lest she go snooping.
 

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Another thing you need to know: yes, she's attracted to this co-worker. I suppose it's unknown as to the extent that she's attracted or unattracted to you, but right now, it looks like this other guy is beating you in the 'who's more attractive' game.

By firmly and confidently stating that you will not tolerate dates with the other man, and that you are prepared to divorce over this, she will actually become more attracted to you. Subconsciously, she thinks you should know that she's spending time with another man, and the fact that you're allowing this to happen within your marriage makes you repellent to her. She's not consciously thinking this, of course since she thinks you don't know any of this. But it's something she's 'feeling,' below the surface.

A strong, attractive, confident man, one who can get lots of chicks, would never allow this to happen. Your behavior and demeanor should be like one who'd have no problem getting several other girlfriends if your wife didn't want to be with you.

And that doesn't mean you yell and scream at her. Remain calm, yet determined and firm. Whether your marriage continues and you both thrive or it fizzles out, at least she'll respect you.
 

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Another thing you need to know: yes, she's attracted to this co-worker. I suppose it's unknown as to the extent that she's attracted or unattracted to you, but right now, it looks like this other guy is beating you in the 'who's more attractive' game.

By firmly and confidently stating that you will not tolerate dates with the other man, and that you are prepared to divorce over this, she will actually become more attracted to you. Subconsciously, she thinks you should know that she's spending time with another man, and the fact that you're allowing this to happen within your marriage makes you repellent to her. She's not consciously thinking this, of course since she thinks you don't know any of this. But it's something she's 'feeling,' below the surface.

A strong, attractive, confident man, one who can get lots of chicks, would never allow this to happen. Your behavior and demeanor should be like one who'd have no problem getting several other girlfriends if your wife didn't want to be with you.

And that doesn't mean you yell and scream at her. Remain calm, yet determined and firm. Whether your marriage continues and you both thrive or it fizzles out, at least she'll respect you.
:iagree: It's true.
 
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