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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
New to the forum here and was just looking for some advice.

My wife and I have been together 5 years, married just under a year and we're in our late 20's. Basically my wife harbors resentment for my immediate family and extended family. She hates going to family functions and we decided to skip my reunion this year. A lot of the resentment I think is rather baseless since my family have always been nice & supportive. For an example we're thinking about moving almost 2000 miles away from where we grew up for new & better jobs and my family is cool with that, where on the flip side her side of the family has guilt tripped us into thinking about leaving. I think her resentment stems from the first thanksgiving she attended at my immediate families. My dad and brother-in-law had a few drinks and made fun of her for something, don't really remember what, but she made it known to me a few months later and I had them apologize for upsetting her.

Fast forward to now and my brother just got married a second time, his new wife seems like a pretty nice girl and they seem very happy together. My wife offered to take a few pictures as a gift for them since she does portrait photography as a side business. So my new sister-in-laws mother got really bossy and rude to my wife and while my wife got a lot of pictures, it resulted in us leaving the wedding early because she was fuming and said "something like this always happens at your families events, somebody says or does something to piss me off" - well that's an abridged version. So now that my brothers honeymoon is over my sister-in-law is asking for pictures. My wife is still upset about the whole ordeal and doesn't want to give them to my brother and his wife. I wound up getting confronted this morning about it, since my wife unfriended both her and my brother and blocked them on Facebook. So I explained that she was upset and wanted them to give my wife an apology for her getting treated rudely at the wedding. She didn't even get a chance to talk to anybody or eat since my brothers new mother-in-law wouldn't even let my wife sit down for a minute.

Coupled with this, my wife also unfriended my oldest sister on FB because she makes a lot of passive aggressive status updates and didn't really want to see them. My sister finally noticed last night made a really nasty facebook status and confronted me this morning about it so I tried to explain that my wife ever since that first thanksgiving has been really sensitive to what people in the family say and a lot of the times feels unappreciated and ignored and unwelcome - though from my POV my family is pretty welcoming, though at the same time my family barely ever talks to me either so I can see where she's coming from. So I'm not sure I guess I'm mostly venting since I don't really have anyone around that could relate to me on this issue.

Any advice on how to deal with my sister and sister-in-law? I did explain the situation to both of them and I'm hoping things get worked out.
 

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You need to have a serious talk with your wife. When I say serious, I don't mean be bossy. Be calm, respective and try to understand her point of view. She does not get along with your family for a reason.

That's good that you explained the situation to half of the party involved. You need to also tell your wife or ask her to give them their pics.

Pictures are not the problem. It appears your wife needs to work in getting along with your family, otherwise, She will soon be having problems with you and leaving you. Telling you this from experience of previous case scenarios that have taken place.

Ahsan Verma
347-Five 4 Seven - 3047
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Of the few friends I do have she likes them. We don't see them much since they live in other states. We have a couple mutual friends that we see periodically and things are good.

I did have a talk with my wife this morning about it and what she was going to do about the photos and she at that time refused to hand them over and didn't want to sacrifice her dignity by giving them the photos. Mainly because she feels like she was wronged and that somehow my brothers wifes mother got the impression that my wife was thee wedding photographer and got super bossy. Professional wedding photographers have a nice little thing called a contract you sign though so people don't get in the way of the photographer. Unfortunately since my wife was doing this as a favor she didn't put any of those precautions in place. Lesson learned I guess. Anyway I tried talking to my SIL's mother about it at my brothers wedding but she was constantly surrounded by her family that it was difficult to even get within an earshot. Like other people took photos, but my wives photos will be leagues better since she knows what she's doing and has nice equipment. After explaining the situation to my sister-in-law which she was unaware I did give her my wives e-mail address so they could work things out. I hope that's what they've been doing since I haven't heard about it for a few hours.

It just sucks having to be the middleman between my family and my wife when she has grievances. I know I need to stand by my wife which is what I'm trying to do, but I feel like I've had knots in my stomach all day.
 

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Of the few friends I do have she likes them. We don't see them much since they live in other states. We have a couple mutual friends that we see periodically and things are good.
It's easy to get alone well with people you seldom see. If they live out of state they are most likely not all he close and do not threaten her.

I did have a talk with my wife this morning about it and what she was going to do about the photos and she at that time refused to hand them over and didn't want to sacrifice her dignity by giving them the photos. Mainly because she feels like she was wronged and that somehow my brothers wifes mother got the impression that my wife was thee wedding photographer and got super bossy.
So your wife is being antagonistic towards your brother and his wife for what her mother did. So she is punishing 2 people for what someone else did. This does not speak well for your wife.

Professional wedding photographers have a nice little thing called a contract you sign though so people don't get in the way of the photographer. Unfortunately since my wife was doing this as a favor she didn't put any of those precautions in place. Lesson learned I guess.
This is a cop-out. Your wife had no contract. All she had to do was to sit down and stop taking photos. According to your first post, your wife offered to take a few photos. She did not offer to do the entire wedding. It was your wife’s place to manage how many photos and under what circumstances she was willing to take a few photos.

Anyway I tried talking to my SIL's mother about it at my brothers wedding but she was constantly surrounded by her family that it was difficult to even get within an earshot. Like other people took photos, but my wives photos will be leagues better since she knows what she's doing and has nice equipment.
Well I guess it does not matter if your wife’s photos are better because she has no intention of letting the bride and groom have them. So basically it’s no better than if she had not taken any photos.

After explaining the situation to my sister-in-law which she was unaware I did give her my wives e-mail address so they could work things out. I hope that's what they've been doing since I haven't heard about it for a few hours.
I hope they will be able to work things out. It will be interesting to see what happens.

It just sucks having to be the middleman between my family and my wife when she has grievances. I know I need to stand by my wife which is what I'm trying to do, but I feel like I've had knots in my stomach all day.
You need to stand by your wife. But your wife needs to stand by you as well. By destroying your relationships in your family she is not being supportive of you. It almost sounds like she is trying to separate you from your family. This is what abusive people do so that their spouse has no support system.

My suggestion is that the two of you see a marriage counselor about this very soon as it’s setting up a very bad trend.
 

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my wife harbors resentment for my immediate family and extended family.

She hates going to family functions

my brother just got married a second time. My wife offered to take a few pictures as a gift for them.
This is on your wife.

She doesn't like your family and is surprised that this didn't turn out well. :scratchhead:

She needs to give up the pictures to keep her word and then LIMIT CONTACT or learn how to set boundaries with your family.
 

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Hmmm... Give it time. don't worry about it. Go occupy your mind with something else. People don't email right away unless its super, super important.

I guess the photography is the main concern of yours, whereas your Wife relationship with your family should be the main concern. But anyway, as for the photograph situtation, As a man dont get involved. Because if the other party ask you to get them pictures from your wife and your wife refuse to give you than it would be a slap to ur face.

You did your part by giving them her contact, now stay out of it. and tell your wife u did that and she should straighten this out and u want no part of it.

So later if you do get involve than you need to put your foot down and re-solve the issue. Till than get out of it. You did your part.

P.S. Send me a message if you need me directly.
Ahsan Verma
347-Five 4 Seven - 3047
Marriage and Family Consultant
Read My Profile For My Contact Info.
 

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I agree with the others, your wife should give up the photos. Doing so makes it really clear that this is one sided. So far holding the photos is the only thing your wife has done to escalate this and keep it going.
 

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I'll be the one to say it.

Some women want control of their man. They seek to separate him from outside influences that could potentially convince him he's in a destructive relationship, or has been whipped. I've seen it happen before, and it's happened to me..

I know TAM users tend to want to see the best in people and find the perfect solutions where everyone can get along, and that everyone should get the benefit of the doubt, but don't mistake that with the fact that people like this do exist, and she may be one of them. The anger is a dead-giveaway to this personality type.

I'd bet all the "drama" comes from her, right? Yeah, your family might be responsible.. but trust me.. they always will be in her point of view. Watch the anger and drama.. it will only increase from here.

I'd suggest you consider what you will do if what I say proves to be true...
 

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Two issues.

First the pictures. She should give them the pictures since she agreed to do it. Not doing so just reinforces any hostility they may have towards your wife.

Second, family relations. This sounds a lot like my wife and my family. My family can be very sarcastic. Whenever we get together we make little jabs at each other and it rolls off our backs. My wife grew up in a less sarcastic family (OK, sarcastic -free zone) so when she was the subject of these jabs, she took it personally.

She also resented the fact that I didn't defend her (seeing as I didn't see anything wrong happening).

Our marriage counselor told us we both had to change. First, I had to be there and defend my wife. It's wasn't how I took the ribbing but how MY WIFE took it, she she took offense to it. My job was to be there for her and deflect that kind of thing.

However, my wife had to stop distancing herself and start attending family functions. She had to realize that by not doing so (a) it out her in a bad light and (b) she was inserting herself between me and my family. This is NOT to say she shouldn't be my primary relationship, but saying she should not try to wedge apart the relationship I had with my family.

I promised to "protect" her and she promised to go to family functions and it has worked out.
 

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A lot of the resentment I think is rather baseless since my family have always been nice & supportive.
My dad and brother-in-law had a few drinks and made fun of her for something, don't really remember what
So my new sister-in-laws mother got really bossy and rude to my wife
my brothers new mother-in-law wouldn't even let my wife sit down
my oldest sister ... makes a lot of passive aggressive status updates and didn't really want to see them.
My sister finally noticed last night made a really nasty facebook status and confronted me
So...which is it? Is your family nice and supportive or rude, bossy, and passive aggressive? I vote for the latter.
 

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That said, your wife sounds immature, petty, and spoiling for a fight.

How does she treat people in servant roles?
 

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Does she seem to get offended at times when you have clearly heard and seen the situation and you find no reason for her to get offended? Do you have to be very careful because we takes things the wrong way? How's her family do they attack each other with sarcasm and shame each other? How is her relationship with her mother?
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First: your wife needs to just re-add your family members to her Facebook. If she really doesn't want to see their updates, there is an option to make someone not show up on your Feed. Deleting them was rude, but she added insult to injury by throwing in the "I don't like your statuses". Seriously, IT'S JUST FACEBOOK.

My husband's cousin annoys the ever-loving dog poo out of me, she posts about a million self-pictures (of course, claiming she's "so ugly" or "lol just chilling") and whiny attention-grabbing posts a day. But he is super close to her and considers her a sister, so even though it really grates on me, I won't delete her.

Second: she owes them the pictures. Now if she never takes pictures again, that's fine. But I take it your wife is a woman with pride - she should take pride in being a woman of her word, as well. She made a commitment.

Lastly, I think that you should tell your family to knock it off. Even if they aren't being passive-aggressive, she's perceiving it that way, and they should know that this is what she sees happening and that you don't appreciate it.
 
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