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Hello All:

This is my first post. I'm coming here because I have nobody else to talk to about this.

A few weeks ago I caught my wife having an emotional affair with another man through Facebook.

I suspected there was something going on for a couple of weeks, because she was always on guard with the laptop at home and with her phone---she never acted this way.

Finally I picked up her phone one night while she was making dinner and saw the exchange of words. It was an intimate conversation. I was heartbroken and felt like garbage.

Turns out it was a doctor that asked her out a few months back. She told me about the time when she was asked out. I figured the guy didn't know she was married and dismissed it, believing my wife's loyalty to me is strong.

We are barely through our first year of marriage. I've been with my wife for 8 years total.

I confronted her about the Facebook chat and she admitted everything. She told me she felt trapped in our marriage and that she just wanted to see what it was like to be attractive.

Things are better between us right now, but I have a lot of mistrust with her still. While I feel I'm healing from this EA right now, some bad feelings came back.

For years we were able to log into eachother's email accounts. Now she's changed the passwords and has also put a password on her phone. We've always shared everything.

This brought back a load of suspicion tonight. Should I be concerned or should I respect her privacy?

What are your thoughts?
 

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I have been in your wife's shoes. All I can say is yes you should be worried. If she had nothing to hide then there would be no password locks on her FB and phone. She doesn't want you to find that she is still communicating with him is my guess. It's hard to just cut something like that off cold turkey. She is obviously getting something from him that she wasn't getting from you. For me, it's a multitude of things. Does she keep her phone on her at all times, even when going to the bathroom? IF it's charging, does she unplug it to just step away for a minute? Big red flags. Sorry not to give you better news, just my perspective.
 

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I Does she keep her phone on her at all times, even when going to the bathroom? IF it's charging, does she unplug it to just step away for a minute? Big red flags. Sorry not to give you better news, just my perspective.
She now leaves the phone out within my reach, even when she leaves the room. But it has a passcode lock.

She deleted Facebook a few days after I confronted her about the emotional affair.
 

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The fact that she deleted FB is a good sign however it would have made more sense for her to just "defriend" this guy. That would show that serious as well. But maybe she's being honest. Maybe ask her if you can "borrow" her phone or something and guage her reaction to that?
 

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The fact that she deleted FB is a good sign however it would have made more sense for her to just "defriend" this guy. That would show that serious as well. But maybe she's being honest. Maybe ask her if you can "borrow" her phone or something and guage her reaction to that?
She de-friended the guy right after I confronted her and then she decided that Facebook isn't a good thing for her, so she deleted that, partly because of the EA I found.

I may do this down the future. Tonight I've been reading about how to crack passcodes on phones, but I figure perhaps I'm reading into things to much.

I am at a point in this healing process where I am suspicious of everything. I never used to be like this, but now I'm like an overzealous dude, questioning everything....not directly to her, but in my heart and mind.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm going crazy.

Thanks for your perspective. I really appreciate it.
 

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I am in the same predicament as you and my husband is really crazy in love with this other woman. '''as he says. He is unwilling to cut off any ties with her....it hurts. I am planning either to move out or make him move out
 

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I was in your shoes, my ex did delete one social network account but opened up another one so she can continue talking to this man. I was at my wits end when I realized that no matter what I did she was bound to continue her activities. Each time she was caught she would attempt to hide her actions even more, each argument was somehow turned around to being "my fault".

I learned one valuable lesson with my ex, when it came to her affairs I had to confront her with SOLID evidence because she was so manipulating that she make herself seem like a saint. So before the next confrontation have ROCK SOLID evidence to show.

Also my advice to you is read the many many posts on this site to give you some incite on what your next step should be. Understand this though (coming from someone who has been there), the chances are your wife has not stopped communicating with this doctor, she has only hidden it much better.
 

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SomeWhere (over the rainbow.....?),

RWB is right. yer cell phone co. should have online site. set it up now (hurry, b4 she does silly) and check her history. cell co., can help u w/ any Q's re: same.

dblkman is right too. get solid evidence, o/wise she'll con yer butt worse than it may be already.

also, dblk hinted at this, so i'll finish it; investigate w/out any denial syndrome keeping u from seeing/hearing/feeling the truth.
i.e., that it may be worse than u thought (hope not, but hey, may be dude).

when i read yer posts, i get sense u dont wanna even think about the worst case scenario.
but to me, u r already (kinda) there. i mean, one yr of marr'd life and u r dealing w/ this crud already?
(yes i know bout the 8yrs...but hey...shes got the ring, right?)

u probably wont listen to me, so go see fer yerself. go digging here on TAM and u'll see many a fella just like u.
some got lucky. some did not. some are still "in it" so to speak.

others experiences are best teachers, methinks.

let us know how yers turns out, if u have the moxy.

good luck & God speed !

shalom.
 

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Hi:

I just check our cell phone records. Looks like all the numbers that she has been calling and texting are cool. I don't see any numbers in her phone that I don't recognize.

This gives me a great sense of relief this morning after posting my first message last night.

But I am still concerned about that passcode on her phone. Maybe she did start up another social network to talk to this doctor.

She's been really good to me since I confronted her about the EA. She's been attentive and apologetic. So I do think she is trying.
 

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Ok, one thing I have to say, and this may not apply to your circumstances, but a password on the phone and her carrying the phone even to the bathroom *may* not indicate cheating. I have a password on my phone and take it even to the bathroom, because I have 2 kids and I prefer to make sure they can't call China while I go pee. :) However, I will also add that my boyfriend knows the password to my phone. Obviously, if you don't have kids, this isn't the case for you, but I just wanted to put it out there, as I see a lot of people say that's a sure sign of cheating, and while I agree that a lot of times it is, there are instances where it's not. But anyway...

The fact that you confronted her and she then did this tells me that she's hiding something. Whether it's more conversations with this man, something with someone else, or something completely unrelated to any of it, I don't know. But especially given that you used to have full access to each other's stuff, and now she's changing that...I can't help but think it's a bad thing.

One of the keys to rebuilding trust after something like this, in my opinion anyway, is full access. Being able to check their e-mail, their phone, text messages, everything. It not only shows you, in black and white that they're doing nothing wrong, but it also shows that they understand they did wrong and want to make things right. It's one of the quickest and easiest ways to begin rebuilding trust. What she's doing is the exact opposite of that, which means she's hiding something and/or doesn't care about rebuilding trust.
 

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well as the female here b4 with my ex i use to leave my phone anywhere at his house and i tell u anywhere but when i started cheating in him that phone was no show, well i could post this because my ex wasnt good to me at all that doesnt mean i should have cheated on him but he didnt wanted us to break up so .......but anyway well the chatting over the internet thing well she could be honest about not chatting with this person but deleting him is just saying she has moved on to the next level of cheating, so now she could hide better make agreements with this guy not to call her she will call him, no messages but still if she is still hiding she will feel shaky leaving her phone out in the open but anyway all this is for if she is cheating hope she isnt, one way u would know if she is cheating is if she is more silent than she was b4 all this happened or if she is too happy or nice with u, this means the guy is on her mind and she is cool with u, (trying to make u think everything is ok) so dont be tricked by her nice behaviour, u got to make sure she is focus on u and let her earn ur thrust back forget if u r thinking too much or whatever and the next thing, if she is really cheating instead of showing u how honest she is with u she will play the victim always wanting to be the one to walk out or be apologized to, man ive been there, u seem like a nice guy so dont turn into a killer here its not worth it but anyway good luck man
 

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I'm trying to maintain a 'no-contact' policy with someone I had an emotional affair with for the last 2 years, and I can tell you that WANTING to stop and actually doing it are very different. For her to say she wanted to feel attractive when you've been married a year?? That's not good. Find out (with help, maybe?) what's gotten off track & work on putting things back where they should be.
 

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I am at a point in this healing process where I am suspicious of everything. I never used to be like this said:
Many marriages are breaking down because of cyber-dating. My heart is with you cos my husband has been doing that to me and I can fully understand what you have been through all this while.....
 

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somewherethere: you mention that you are in the healing process: what exactly are you doing to heal this? I mean, what exact steps are you taking WITH your wife to rebuild your marriage?

An analogy: if you break your arm, its certainly possible to just let it heal - but unless you get the bones set, you will lose at least some of the use of that arm.

On top of this, Seeker hints at a very important point:

...I can tell you that WANTING to stop and actually doing it are very different. For her to say she wanted to feel attractive when you've been married a year?? That's not good. Find out (with help, maybe?) what's gotten off track & work on putting things back where they should be. ...
Most affairs (and I have yet to run into the exception) occur as a solution to a problem in the marriage. A terrible solution, a bad choice, and automatically wrong, but still a choice. It is perceived as the solution to the problem (usually without considering the consequences). The affair caused damage - but unless the problem that brought about this decision is addressed, you are looking at possible similar situations in the future - or even the end of your marriage. Any problem to which an affair seems to be the solution is a problem that must be addressed. And you wife gave you at least one clue.

There are tools (questionnaires) you and your wife can work on together that can really help you. If you and your wife are looking to work on the marriage, I can link them for you.
 

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I think you're concentrating on the wrong things. I don't believe trying to crack the password on her phone or viewing her calls will help the situation. It may make you feel better in the short term, but what really counts is finding out what is making her stray in the first place and fixing it. If she is totally happy in this situation, she wouldn't even be thinking of straying. What has changed? Has it become mundane and boring and different just because you guys got married? Treat her like the girlfriend she used to be. Be her soul mate. She won't want to look elsewhere if she is happy.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Hello All:

So I asked my wife about the phone password. She immediately gave me the code and explained why she changed it (because her nice who is 7 constantly gets in her phone). I didn't bother looking in the phone at all. She seemed up front.

She did get a bit defensive when I asked her about the code and then got sad all over again, feeling guilty how she created me to be like this (suspicious).

I believe she understands my concerns and said she understands.

As far as any thing missing in our marriage:

I've been with my wife for seven years before we got married. Every day I tell her I love her and I show it too. I always compliment her on her looks, her clothes, etc.

Her explanation on what's missing is "not something I did or not doing."

I told her I should share some of the blame in the EA because obviously she wasn't satisfied with me only.

I'm trying my best to be extra loving and flirty. She's been responding.

But for a bit of background here: My wife has never been in a long term relationship before me. I'm her first man, to put it into the sense. We started dating in our early twenties. I waited a year until we consummated the relationship...in a sense (it feels weird telling a bunch of strangers this, but for the sake of understanding, I'm disclosing this).

On the night I discovered my wife's emotional affair on Facebook, my wife told me she wanted to see what it was like to be attracted by someone else and that I wasn't the cause of this contact.

My wife has also been hanging out with a MUCH younger cousin who just turned 21. This cousin is constantly sharing stories about all the men she has been with. Before the EA, my wife was hanging out with her A LOT. She even got the urge to go to night clubs which was very unusual for my wife. I suspect this may have contributed to this want to seek attraction from someone else.

As far as healing goes: I've forgiven my wife. I've acknowledge that somewhere along the line I need to be more attentive to her and I need to be more like a boyfriend too. For this, I have had to acknowledge my own mistakes and forgive myself.

My wife is working hard. For this, I love her even more.
 

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SomeWhere,

If you and her share a Cell Plan you can log online to your account and check usage. My cell log show all phones on the plan. I can check back 18 months on line and see all calls and text. After looking at my wife's call pattern and length I got a pretty good idea how long her affair had been going on.
That is how I was able to find out my wife was still talking to the guy she had an EA with. I had looked online at her texting history and saw the numbers she texted the most. When I had her phone, I took down all the numbers. I was advise it but be warned, it might be hard to stomach.
 

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you seem to getting lots of good advice from others, but i thought it may be helpful if i shared my thoughts too. we are pretty much in the same boat right now i am new to this website since last night and my husband had an emotional affair on facebook a few weeks back with an old ex girlfriend. after i confronted him and all that he got rid of his facebook, but to find out that he just deactivated it and now has it up again. are you sure that your wife has deleted it completly???

i never used to snoop through his stuff till now but what i do is i go though his email. his email is linked to his facebook so i can see who is sending him messages even the private ones. the only thing is, is that he erases everything after hes sees it. so if your wife hasnt changed her email password you might get lucky and have a link to see whats going on. hope this helps. reading your story has helped me a lot. i was feeling like i was crazy to be so hurt from an emotional affair.
 
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