[headspins]

I recently found out that my wife has been having an EA with an old highschool boyfriend and has been very sneaky about it.

Background first
We've been together 19 years,married 13, have 4 kids and I thought we were all good. She has approached me before about attention and not getting enough and companionship. I kinda blew it off and worked on it half heartedly. My dad recently died of cancer and it has been tough on me as of late as he only passed a month ago.
I saw this coming for about the past 3 weeks she was constantly on her phone texting, facebooking, pintrest, and i dont know what else.
Whenever I asked to check her texts she would freak out and say no.
Long story short I finally found out she had been texting an old highschool boyfriend. She had his number hid under his sisters name in her phone, who we are also friends with. So she came clean said ahe was texting him because she wasnt getting attention from me and she needed companionship. I found texts to her friends saying she doesnt desire me anymore and is afraid I'm going to end up cheating on him, not sexually though.

All the time i found out in the evenings she was texting this OM for 3-4 hours straight while im in the other room wondering why she isnt in here hangin with me.
She told me nothing physical happened between them. I believe her. Even though my wife has recently obtained her license to become a massage therapist, she gave this guy a massage and didnt tell me about it. She only gave me and 2 other women massages in her life. Im hoping that is all that happened.

Then I question her about the texts between them and she says the worst it got was telling him she has a hard time with orgasams and needs to use a vibrator. So much for just companionship and attention.

So I contacted are cell phone company and had all hthe texts messages perserved as far back as they could. She insists that there is nothing more than she hasn't already told me. I need her to sign the consent form and she doesnt want to. She thinks that if I read all the mean bad stuff I wont take her back. I suspect there is more she doesnt want me to see. If I dont get these texts it will haunt me the rest of my life!

What should I do? I love her my kids and our family. I want to save this but only if its worth saving. Any suggestions?

 

[tonyarz]

I would take a peak at the texts just out of curiosity. I would want to see what I am dealing with.

 

[The bishop]

She gave him a message? They ****ed.... The texts are going to be a lot worse then she has been telling you.

 

[Malaise]

She gave him a massage? They ****ed.... The texts are going to be a lot worse then she has been telling you.

:iagree:

Sadly for you, the Bishop is correct.

 

[headspins]

Thats what I'm afraid of. I have to know what those texts say or else I won't be able to move forward.

 

[Malaise]

Does she understand that even if they are innocent her non compliance to get them for you makes it look all the more guilty?

She has to know that you will think the worst if you don't get them.

 

[headspins]

That's what I told her. it reaks of suspicion and guilt.

 

[headspins]

I forgot to mention that she has ceased all contact with this guy, told all our friends how bad she screwed up and what she did(minus the sexual details I'm sure) and deleted her facebook and now has a basic phone with only texting..not a full on smartphone or iphone. There has been no contact and she has been crying her eyes out to my sister and friends for the past 4 days

 

[Malaise]

To her that might be a better alternative. You need leverage to make her get them.

Would a threat of divorce make her do it or would she call your bluff. Would you divorce her over this?

 

[headspins]

She said she would sign the consent forms after we go to counseling this Saturday. But she said she would sign them yesterday and today also and it hasnt happened. needs to be signed by a notary. I have the form filled out she just needs to do it .
I dont want to divorce but cant't make that decision until I see these texts!

 

[Malaise]

She's stalling

How long can she stall?

 

[headspins]

the phone company said they are saved for 90 days..so i have some time

 

[aug]

You do need to get those texts. Dont wait till the 90 days is nearly up. There are always delays and whatnots built into the system. So if you wait say 80 days and it takes 2 weeks for the request to go through the various company channels, it may not reach the right place in time.

Get it now so that you have her messages as far back as you can. Each day you wait, a day of messages get rolled off the 90-day window and disappears.


Looks bad about the massage and the overreaction on her part mean that she did take it physical. It'll be in the text messages.

 

[aug]

Also tell her she is going to undergo a polygraph test. Tell her it's better for her to confess all now. And if you find otherwise, you're kicking her out. Use the polygraph to confirm.

 

[headspins]

You do need to get those texts. Dont wait till the 90 days is nearly up. There are always delays and whatnots built into the system. So if you wait say 80 days and it takes 2 weeks for the request to go through the various company channels, it may not reach the right place in time.

Get it now so that you have her messages as far back as you can. Each day you wait, a day of messages get rolled off the 90-day window and disappears.


Looks bad about the massage and the overreaction on her part mean that she did take it physical. It'll be in the text messages.

No the content could only be saved for max of ten days back from the day you request them. They preserve them for 90 days for the consent forms
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[oddball]

I am also just comming out of a similar situation, except there was no physical contact, as OM is on another continent. There was a final exchange of sexual messages though. Unfortunately, it all occured on Facebook, and I have no way of recovering the messages,

My wife has gone NC, and admits it was wrong.She has apologised.

I am struggling to get past it however, because I dont know the nature of the messages. She tells me it was just chatting, he was funny, he was an ex and made her feel good. She tells me she would never have done it with someone close by, it was kind of a fantasy. In my mind, she minimizes. I keep asking her about what was said, but cannot ever really know. So I must forgive and move on, from something I do not know all the details of.

So you must get her to sign the consent. If you don't, like me, you will always be left wondering what was exchanged. For me it makes R a lot more difficult.

You have a way to recover the texts, and she simply must sign. Threaten D if you must.

 

[Decorum]

Hi headspins,
It sucks to be up this late dealing with this. I'm sorry for you.
You are going to get a lot of help from people who have seen this before. You have to believe that these things follow a script that is so consistant its unbelievable.

Your wife has gone outside your marriage and that is completely unacceptable and that is on her 100% period. If there is any good news (and this may be hard to believe) you are in the drivers seat, and it looks like from your description that you may be able to save this marriage or end it.

I dont want to make this too long, but in short order you will realize that if she has any hope of saving her marriage she will have to comply with your requests, including agreeing to letting you see the text transcripts.

The first thing I think that needs to happen is that she needs to break all contact with the OM and give you complete transparency, all her passwords, email, texts, gps on her phone to verify her location, everything!!

What if she doesnt agree? If you are asking that question, then this is TAM 101 for you.

Honestly the people on here who do the best in these situations are the ones that take action.

Here is what I mean,
You would say to your wife,
"you are having an emotional affair with OM (other man), additionally you gave him a message which even in the unlikely event that it did not cross into any sexual activity, in light of the emotional affair is still foreplay, and crosses the line into a physical affair (PA)."

I dont know how our marriage can be saved, I was not there for you when you asked for more attention, that is 100% on me, and I can change that and I wish with all my heart that I had given you the attention you derserved, But you went outside our marriage, and you can never change that and that is 100% on you!!!

I dont know what the outcome will be right now but we cannot move forward, at all, unless you agree to break all contact with any Om's, show accountabiliy for your whereabouts, and honestly reveal your involvement with these other men.

If that is unacceptable to you then you are ending our marriage today and I will file for divorce. I will not live in an open marriage and i will not share my wife with another man!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Decorum]

Wow sorry there were only a couple replys when i started typing and a lot more has come out between then and when I hit the submit button.

 

[headspins]

Wow sorry there were only a couple replys when i started typing and a lot more has come out between then and when I hit the submit button.

It's ok. I am so afraid if finding out more than what she said. But I told her for me to move on I need those texts. I agree with almost everything you posted.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Decorum]

I feel for you on that, But everything has to be brought out into the light of day, especially if you want to save the marriage. Your WW will need that (even if she does not know it) if she is going to find moral and emotional healing.