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ConfusedMan, I will keep this short and simple. If the messaging you are reading is even a day or two old you are trying to stop a train that has left the station. You need to be decisive as hell and show resolve in your approach from the start.
The "He who hesitates is lost" saying applies to you 1000%. If you hesitate then she is going to cheat. If she is alone with him some orgasms are going be included!

I too fear that POS have already closed the deal. This guy was a former HS crush of hers so you know he's her type. With their past history, things are going to be moving at a FAST pace. Witness how boldly he was texting her after the initial pizza night.

He set the tone in front of her family that night and she's probably openly responding to his advances. That's the problem with relying with just the texting communication. OP thinks he has all the info but what he doesn't have is how she looks into his eyes when she talks, how she responds to him touching her. Body language is silent but says can say more than words. So while she's sending hearts and kiss emojis to his sexual propositions, how are they in person? Is he holding her hand? Is she sitting on his lap?

I guess that pizza night was probably days after her arrival for her 3 week visit. OP said that she has another week to go, so it's been almost 2 weeks since that pizza night. Anyone here really doubt that he hasn't already hit that?
 

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I guess that pizza night was probably days after her arrival for her 3 week visit. OP said that she has another week to go, so it's been almost 2 weeks since that pizza night. Anyone here really doubt that he hasn't already hit that?
If your Math is correct here, he is screwed (or she is I mean).
 

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...

I’m inclined to wait and talk to her only when she is back, because I want to trust her not to go forward with this and don’t want to discuss this over the phone.
May be too late, then. Her hubby's not around, OM is openly hitting on her - propositioning her, even - and she's loving it. One "good night" text with a smiley 'n' hearts is one too many. Unless she does that with everybody; and not just with you.

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How big of a red flag is this? It seems nothing physical happened so far.
I agree with the others. A very, very big red flag. Have you seen those big American flags they carry out on a football field. Bigger than that.


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What do you think I should do? How do I approach her when I see her?
If you don't talk to her about this situation until she gets back; First question should be, "Sounds like you had a good time. Did you make him use a condom?" When her eyes get big and she asks, "How did you find out?", hand her the paperwork and ask her if he was worth it.

That's how big I think the red flag is.
 

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I've taken note of this too..

We can only hope that he's on his way to his wife, to shut this down in person, and was not overwhelmed by the good advice being given here.
"she is not shutting it down"....................Fatal words!
MTFU! Bro!
Shut this down yourdamself.
 

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@confusedman741851

You can answer some of these posts by signing in and posting in the Quick reply window at the bottom of each page.

You can choose not to do so.

The posters here can choose not to answer any more, also.

We assumed that you wanted help, not that you wanted to start a brush fire and then decided to flee the scene.

Thank me very much.





[THM]-UlyssesHeart
 

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I don't understand why the OP would have to get on a plane to shut this thing down.

  • I'd print or back up copies of the texts.
  • I'd call her and tell her that I know about her texts with Joe and either she's on the next flight back or she shouldn't bother coming back at all. If she attempts to unlink her new phone from her old phone, same thing - don't bother coming back at all.
  • If she comes back, I'd tell her that I'll assume she physically cheated unless she can prove to me that she didn't - proof would require (a) a polygraph, and (b) an STD panel.
  • To stay together, she must: (1) agree to the tests above; (2) make a no-contact call to Joe, with me listening in; (3) send copies of the texts to Joe's SO, if he has one; (4) start IC to address her poor boundaries; (5) send an apology to me, copying her family, for her inappropriate behavior and promising that it would never happen again; (6) if any of her family is anything less than fully supportive of these efforts to protect the marriage, they are cut out; and (7) agree to a completely open phone policy.
 

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i don't understand why the op would have to get on a plane to shut this thing down.

  • i'd print or back up copies of the texts.
  • i'd call her and tell her that i know about her texts with joe and either she's on the next flight back or she shouldn't bother coming back at all. If she attempts to unlink her new phone from her old phone, same thing - don't bother coming back at all.
  • if she comes back, i'd tell her that i'll assume she physically cheated unless she can prove to me that she didn't - proof would require (a) a polygraph, and (b) an std panel.
  • to stay together, she must: (1) agree to the tests above; (2) make a no-contact call to joe, with me listening in; (3) send copies of the texts to joe's so, if he has one; (4) start ic to address her poor boundaries; (5) send an apology to me, copying her family, for her inappropriate behavior and promising that it would never happen again; (6) if any of her family is anything less than fully supportive of these efforts to protect the marriage, they are cut out; and (7) agree to a completely open phone policy.
^Bingo!^
 

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I agree. I'm not sure why some men insist on pounding their chest and 'rescuing the poor damsel from the predator.' I get the impression men take this stance because it's easier on their egos to THINK they have to rescue the woman from the evil man than it is to face the truth - that their 'damsel' is actually very happily engaging right back with said predator rather than being dedicated to their husbands. Like it or not, that's the REALITY of these situations.

I agree with the Rubix Cubed - I'd be telling her she can get her ass home tonight or you'll be at your lawyer's office in the morning. There's no need to fly there and make yourself look insecure and desperate.
It drives me nuts. It's sad because people eat it up. Instead of saying "no" you bring up your husband. That's a deflection, not an answer. Dude KNOWS she is married. It isn't like some random dude or even an old unknowing crush who hit on her and she subtly said my husband as a brush off. I'd agree and have zero problem with her comment framed with this context.

She has history with this dude and has had MULTIPLE opportunities to say no. I actually give the jerk credit, he came right out and said what he wanted. So, this isn't grooming, prey or any other scenario. If I tell you I want sex, then do EVERYTHING to show you there is no doubt what I want, there is zero explanation as to why you continue to engage me in a conversation.

Except, she is just as engaged in the interaction as the jackass.
 

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I don't understand why the OP would have to get on a plane to shut this thing down.

  • I'd print or back up copies of the texts.
  • I'd call her and tell her that I know about her texts with Joe and either she's on the next flight back or she shouldn't bother coming back at all. If she attempts to unlink her new phone from her old phone, same thing - don't bother coming back at all.
  • If she comes back, I'd tell her that I'll assume she physically cheated unless she can prove to me that she didn't - proof would require (a) a polygraph, and (b) an STD panel.
  • To stay together, she must: (1) agree to the tests above; (2) make a no-contact call to Joe, with me listening in; (3) send copies of the texts to Joe's SO, if he has one; (4) start IC to address her poor boundaries; (5) send an apology to me, copying her family, for her inappropriate behavior and promising that it would never happen again; (6) if any of her family is anything less than fully supportive of these efforts to protect the marriage, they are cut out; and (7) agree to a completely open phone policy.
This. Is. Awesome.
 

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I dont understand how a man would knowingly take take this and be confused what to do. My fists would be tattooed to his face. Its complicated because of the distance but this is nuts. You got his number right ? call him and tell him you know whats up and he is about to get whats coming to him. He is aggressively persuing your wife right? Deal with her inaction later but put the fire out first.
 

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What the other man is doing is vile.



Why would he presume that he has the right to speak so openly?



He is supposedly a longtime friend. Opposite sex friends do not pressure the other for sex.

His side of the friendship deal now wants to include sexual benefits.



By not shutting him down firmly, is very telling on your wife’s part. I get it. She does not want to hurt his feeling and put him down.



Why is that?



Because she is enjoying the sexual banter.

Have no doubt here.



She also likely had feelings for this guy maybe still does, and she was hurt by his rejection. She is enjoying this, his tongue hanging out, begging.



I suspect he is rueful of not scoring with her prior to dumping her. He wants a do-over.



Or, he did score with her and sees her as an easy mark, an already tried and true woman.

He is counting on her feelings to return to him….again.



-Or-



Him, thinking in his mind, “Hey, we had sex before, what would it hurt to try again?”



What she is doing/saying, or not doing, in response, is not proper for a mature married women.



I would say nothing, NOTHING, until she gets home.



Let this scenario run its course. Let’s see how loyal this wife of yours really is.



So far, she has stumbled. But, if she only humors him and does nothing more, than she deserves some harsh words, hopefully, nothing more.



But, if she stumbles more and lands in his bed (or in the back of his car), then you have your answer.



Which is, she is not to be trusted when out of sight. She is not marriage material.



She is not a child. You should not have to save an adult from themselves.



I would do nothing. I would wait and see if her resolve is that of a married women, not of that of a teenage girl who has gleefully returned to her past.



You said, in years past, that they have messaged (maybe talked) now and again.

You likely do not have any idea what was said in those messages.

She may have deleted any questionable ones.



It is also possible that prior talks and messaging from her has given him hope that she might be available.

She may have encouraged this sort of talk, from some point-in-time, backwards.



She might be available if he can grovel sufficiently and apologize.

If so, it will give her a reason and an excuse for a much wanted do-over, on her part.



She also may want this. But she does not want a repeat performance of being dropped.

Dropped on her butt after being banged hard, first, maybe again in her bunny slipper.



Note: ‘This time’, she wants this resolved to ‘her’ satisfaction. That is a given.



If that includes a long awaited meeting, eye-to-eye, lip to lip, hip to hip, you will soon see.



It sounds like the old male school chum does not yet know how to dance.

He is again stepping on her toes (not woes) in this latest clumsily handled dancing of his.

He is going right for her bunny slipper, ignoring her heart and feelings. Again.



Again, how and why is this possible?



Then again, maybe their past communiques have led him straight to the short hairs of the matter.



To this...... Him and her in the throes of ecstasy, again, revisited.



See if she can be ultimately, intimately be trusted.

Trusted, not thrusted by an EXBF. Or anyone who compliments her.



Let her save grace or let her behavior hang, ‘Her Grace’.



Just Sayin’











[THM]- The Typist I


I agree.
She is a grown woman. I’d be more inclined to let it play out while monitoring texts etc and see what Happens.
Yes you have issues to address..her sending texts and cozying up to him but I’d be inclined to wait and see how “loyal” she is as @SunCMars has said.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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I agree.
She is a grown woman. I’d be more inclined to let it play out while monitoring texts etc and see what Happens.
Yes you have issues to address..her sending texts and cozying up to him but I’d be inclined to wait and see how “loyal” she is as @SunCMars has said.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Responses like yours and the one you quoted make my head spin.

If this guy's wife drove herself to a bar and he saw texts between her and somebody else about how drunk she was getting and the person was egging her on to have more fun should the husband leave the pending life altering disaster to play out because she is a big girl and should know to do the right thing? Obviously not.

Just like alcohol messes with judgement and brain chemistry so can a potential WW's judgement toward the slippery slope into infidelity. It has been evident in posts I have read from WWs that the choices they made leading up to cheating weren't rational at all due to brain chemistry.

Why risk everything in his life, his family and marriage, and leave it up to her warped judgement?

If I were the OP I would make appointments with for a polygraph and a divorce attorney and have them send the appointment confirmation texts to her phone.
 

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If this guy's wife drove herself to a bar and he saw texts between her and somebody else about how drunk she was getting and the person was egging her on to have more fun should the huspand leave the pending life altering disaster to play out because she is a big girl and should know to do the right thing? Obviously not.
Except she isn't mind-alteringly drunk. This is not some sudden onslaught of mind-control. She KNEW the first time she was coy and sent a smiley it was wrong. Unless she is mentally disabled. SHE has chosen every text.

I will say this to to the OP, I know EXACTLY why she keeps asking him "why now?" and "Why now that I am fat blah blah?"

She wants the ego kibbles, and she wants HIM to keep going until HE makes the first definitive physical move. Then she can say he started it.

I used to think "Yes! Rush in before it's physical!"

But now I'm not so sure. If I swooped in and dragged my hubby away before it became physical, I would always wonder....did it not become physical because he wouldn't have done it, or was it just because I swooped in. I don't want to be another person's fidelity gatekeeper.
 

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Except she isn't mind-alteringly drunk. This is not some sudden onslaught of mind-control. She KNEW the first time she was coy and sent a smiley it was wrong. Unless she is mentally disabled. SHE has chosen every text.

I will say this to to the OP, I know EXACTLY why she keeps asking him "why now?" and "Why now that I am fat blah blah?"

She wants the ego kibbles, and she wants HIM to keep going until HE makes the first definitive physical move. Then she can say he started it.

I used to think "Yes! Rush in before it's physical!"

But now I'm not so sure. If I swooped in and dragged my hubby away before it became physical, I would always wonder....did it not become physical because he wouldn't have done it, or was it just because I swooped in. I don't want to be another person's fidelity gatekeeper.
I kind of agree with this...

I know I am harder than most, but if my GF did something like this, and even if it was not physical, I think it would be over.

If you are not happy, move on.

This OP is so passive that I am pretty sure she already cheated anyway.

I think I would greet her with divorce papers when she got home...
 

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Every TAMers who's been here for a while knows how this plays out. We've seen this movie enough times to know what's likely to happen in this case.

I'm sure most here agree that by now, she probably already had sex with this guy or at the very least had a heavy make out/petting session, which will be enough to have her completely fogged up.

She now will come home being emotionally distant talking about how she's been unhappy for years and is tired of his controlling ways. She may even say she never really loved OP and will most likely say that she's confused on what she wants to do. A desire to temporarily separate by moving back home, so she can test out the waters with POS, oops I meant spend time alone so she can find herself is also a high possibility.

That's what letting it play out gets OP.
 

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Every TAMers who's been here for a while knows how this plays out. We've seen this movie enough times to know what's likely to happen in this case.

I'm sure most here agree that by now, she probably already had sex with this guy or at the very least had a heavy make out/petting session, which will be enough to have her completely fogged up.

She now will come home being emotionally distant talking about how she's been unhappy for years and is tired of his controlling ways. She may even say she never really loved OP and will most likely say that she's confused on what she wants to do. A desire to temporarily separate by moving back home, so she can test out the waters with POS, oops I meant spend time alone so she can find herself is also a high possibility.

That's what letting it play out gets OP.
I'll call and raise you........."It's happened already".
 

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I do not get why the OP sits at home because he wants to save money. The cost of flying there right now is a fraction of the cost of an attorney if you get divorced over her cheating; and there are a lot more costs in a divorce than just the attorney fees. The OP needs to do something now before his wife does something that he cannot live with.
Well, yes... but if you want to buy a cup of tea for 50 pence and you haven't even got one penny to your name, guess what? No cup of tea. :(

OP can you borrow the money for the flight?
 

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Rubix, I don't think we got played. OP just got scared off by such a strong response. We get that here a lot, as does SI. It can be very intimidating to put your life out there. Many are not ready to take the required action.

I'm sure if he heard condemnation that he was invading her privacy and that he's should trust her, he probably would have continued to engage. We may yet hear from him in a few weeks with the "you guys were right post." Either way, I wish him well. Many of us know the pain and devastation he's about to endure.
 
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