ConfusedMan, I will keep this short and simple. If the messaging you are reading is even a day or two old you are trying to stop a train that has left the station. You need to be decisive as hell and show resolve in your approach from the start.
The "He who hesitates is lost" saying applies to you 1000%. If you hesitate then she is going to cheat. If she is alone with him some orgasms are going be included!
If your Math is correct here, he is screwed (or she is I mean).I guess that pizza night was probably days after her arrival for her 3 week visit. OP said that she has another week to go, so it's been almost 2 weeks since that pizza night. Anyone here really doubt that he hasn't already hit that?
May be too late, then. Her hubby's not around, OM is openly hitting on her - propositioning her, even - and she's loving it. One "good night" text with a smiley 'n' hearts is one too many. Unless she does that with everybody; and not just with you....
I’m inclined to wait and talk to her only when she is back, because I want to trust her not to go forward with this and don’t want to discuss this over the phone.
I agree with the others. A very, very big red flag. Have you seen those big American flags they carry out on a football field. Bigger than that....
How big of a red flag is this? It seems nothing physical happened so far.
If you don't talk to her about this situation until she gets back; First question should be, "Sounds like you had a good time. Did you make him use a condom?" When her eyes get big and she asks, "How did you find out?", hand her the paperwork and ask her if he was worth it....
What do you think I should do? How do I approach her when I see her?
"she is not shutting it down"....................Fatal words!I've taken note of this too..
We can only hope that he's on his way to his wife, to shut this down in person, and was not overwhelmed by the good advice being given here.
^Bingo!^i don't understand why the op would have to get on a plane to shut this thing down.
- i'd print or back up copies of the texts.
- i'd call her and tell her that i know about her texts with joe and either she's on the next flight back or she shouldn't bother coming back at all. If she attempts to unlink her new phone from her old phone, same thing - don't bother coming back at all.
- if she comes back, i'd tell her that i'll assume she physically cheated unless she can prove to me that she didn't - proof would require (a) a polygraph, and (b) an std panel.
- to stay together, she must: (1) agree to the tests above; (2) make a no-contact call to joe, with me listening in; (3) send copies of the texts to joe's so, if he has one; (4) start ic to address her poor boundaries; (5) send an apology to me, copying her family, for her inappropriate behavior and promising that it would never happen again; (6) if any of her family is anything less than fully supportive of these efforts to protect the marriage, they are cut out; and (7) agree to a completely open phone policy.
It drives me nuts. It's sad because people eat it up. Instead of saying "no" you bring up your husband. That's a deflection, not an answer. Dude KNOWS she is married. It isn't like some random dude or even an old unknowing crush who hit on her and she subtly said my husband as a brush off. I'd agree and have zero problem with her comment framed with this context.I agree. I'm not sure why some men insist on pounding their chest and 'rescuing the poor damsel from the predator.' I get the impression men take this stance because it's easier on their egos to THINK they have to rescue the woman from the evil man than it is to face the truth - that their 'damsel' is actually very happily engaging right back with said predator rather than being dedicated to their husbands. Like it or not, that's the REALITY of these situations.
I agree with the Rubix Cubed - I'd be telling her she can get her ass home tonight or you'll be at your lawyer's office in the morning. There's no need to fly there and make yourself look insecure and desperate.
This. Is. Awesome.I don't understand why the OP would have to get on a plane to shut this thing down.
- I'd print or back up copies of the texts.
- I'd call her and tell her that I know about her texts with Joe and either she's on the next flight back or she shouldn't bother coming back at all. If she attempts to unlink her new phone from her old phone, same thing - don't bother coming back at all.
- If she comes back, I'd tell her that I'll assume she physically cheated unless she can prove to me that she didn't - proof would require (a) a polygraph, and (b) an STD panel.
- To stay together, she must: (1) agree to the tests above; (2) make a no-contact call to Joe, with me listening in; (3) send copies of the texts to Joe's SO, if he has one; (4) start IC to address her poor boundaries; (5) send an apology to me, copying her family, for her inappropriate behavior and promising that it would never happen again; (6) if any of her family is anything less than fully supportive of these efforts to protect the marriage, they are cut out; and (7) agree to a completely open phone policy.
What the other man is doing is vile.
Why would he presume that he has the right to speak so openly?
He is supposedly a longtime friend. Opposite sex friends do not pressure the other for sex.
His side of the friendship deal now wants to include sexual benefits.
By not shutting him down firmly, is very telling on your wife’s part. I get it. She does not want to hurt his feeling and put him down.
Why is that?
Because she is enjoying the sexual banter.
Have no doubt here.
She also likely had feelings for this guy maybe still does, and she was hurt by his rejection. She is enjoying this, his tongue hanging out, begging.
I suspect he is rueful of not scoring with her prior to dumping her. He wants a do-over.
Or, he did score with her and sees her as an easy mark, an already tried and true woman.
He is counting on her feelings to return to him….again.
Him, thinking in his mind, “Hey, we had sex before, what would it hurt to try again?”
What she is doing/saying, or not doing, in response, is not proper for a mature married women.
I would say nothing, NOTHING, until she gets home.
Let this scenario run its course. Let’s see how loyal this wife of yours really is.
So far, she has stumbled. But, if she only humors him and does nothing more, than she deserves some harsh words, hopefully, nothing more.
But, if she stumbles more and lands in his bed (or in the back of his car), then you have your answer.
Which is, she is not to be trusted when out of sight. She is not marriage material.
She is not a child. You should not have to save an adult from themselves.
I would do nothing. I would wait and see if her resolve is that of a married women, not of that of a teenage girl who has gleefully returned to her past.
You said, in years past, that they have messaged (maybe talked) now and again.
You likely do not have any idea what was said in those messages.
She may have deleted any questionable ones.
It is also possible that prior talks and messaging from her has given him hope that she might be available.
She may have encouraged this sort of talk, from some point-in-time, backwards.
She might be available if he can grovel sufficiently and apologize.
If so, it will give her a reason and an excuse for a much wanted do-over, on her part.
She also may want this. But she does not want a repeat performance of being dropped.
Dropped on her butt after being banged hard, first, maybe again in her bunny slipper.
Note: ‘This time’, she wants this resolved to ‘her’ satisfaction. That is a given.
If that includes a long awaited meeting, eye-to-eye, lip to lip, hip to hip, you will soon see.
It sounds like the old male school chum does not yet know how to dance.
He is again stepping on her toes (not woes) in this latest clumsily handled dancing of his.
He is going right for her bunny slipper, ignoring her heart and feelings. Again.
Again, how and why is this possible?
Then again, maybe their past communiques have led him straight to the short hairs of the matter.
To this...... Him and her in the throes of ecstasy, again, revisited.
See if she can be ultimately, intimately be trusted.
Trusted, not thrusted by an EXBF. Or anyone who compliments her.
Let her save grace or let her behavior hang, ‘Her Grace’.
[THM]- The Typist I
Responses like yours and the one you quoted make my head spin.I agree.
She is a grown woman. I’d be more inclined to let it play out while monitoring texts etc and see what Happens.
Yes you have issues to address..her sending texts and cozying up to him but I’d be inclined to wait and see how “loyal” she is as @SunCMars has said.
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Except she isn't mind-alteringly drunk. This is not some sudden onslaught of mind-control. She KNEW the first time she was coy and sent a smiley it was wrong. Unless she is mentally disabled. SHE has chosen every text.If this guy's wife drove herself to a bar and he saw texts between her and somebody else about how drunk she was getting and the person was egging her on to have more fun should the huspand leave the pending life altering disaster to play out because she is a big girl and should know to do the right thing? Obviously not.
I kind of agree with this...Except she isn't mind-alteringly drunk. This is not some sudden onslaught of mind-control. She KNEW the first time she was coy and sent a smiley it was wrong. Unless she is mentally disabled. SHE has chosen every text.
I will say this to to the OP, I know EXACTLY why she keeps asking him "why now?" and "Why now that I am fat blah blah?"
She wants the ego kibbles, and she wants HIM to keep going until HE makes the first definitive physical move. Then she can say he started it.
I used to think "Yes! Rush in before it's physical!"
But now I'm not so sure. If I swooped in and dragged my hubby away before it became physical, I would always wonder....did it not become physical because he wouldn't have done it, or was it just because I swooped in. I don't want to be another person's fidelity gatekeeper.
I'll call and raise you........."It's happened already".Every TAMers who's been here for a while knows how this plays out. We've seen this movie enough times to know what's likely to happen in this case.
I'm sure most here agree that by now, she probably already had sex with this guy or at the very least had a heavy make out/petting session, which will be enough to have her completely fogged up.
She now will come home being emotionally distant talking about how she's been unhappy for years and is tired of his controlling ways. She may even say she never really loved OP and will most likely say that she's confused on what she wants to do. A desire to temporarily separate by moving back home, so she can test out the waters with POS, oops I meant spend time alone so she can find herself is also a high possibility.
That's what letting it play out gets OP.
Well, yes... but if you want to buy a cup of tea for 50 pence and you haven't even got one penny to your name, guess what? No cup of tea.I do not get why the OP sits at home because he wants to save money. The cost of flying there right now is a fraction of the cost of an attorney if you get divorced over her cheating; and there are a lot more costs in a divorce than just the attorney fees. The OP needs to do something now before his wife does something that he cannot live with.