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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am looking for advice, and any would be appreciated. i will try to keep this as brief as possible. i will try to keep this as brief as possible. i recently discover my wife is cheating on me. i have not informed her that i know, yet. i came home from work one day, she was not home, but i went upstairs to change. right in the middle of the bed was 4 unused magnum xl condoms. i was very upset, very confused and wasn't sure what to do. i took a picture and then hid them. i searched the trash cans and everything for used condoms, but didnt find any. regardless, we do not use condoms, so they had to come from somewhere. i ran through all the things i was going to say to her when she got home.. i didnt say anything. i didnt want her to somehow try to explain away the condoms, i wanted to verify first. anyway, i spent the next couple days upset, hurt and all those other emotions. not only was she cheating, but obviously it was with someone who was much, much bigger than me. so, among all the other feelings of hurt and everything i also feel inadequate.

ok, trying to keep short even though there are a ton more details. anyway, i am a computer guy by trade so i figured i would setup camera in the bedroom and then just see what happens. i did that and lets just say that i have proof, and while for whatever reason i assumed it would just be like one guy she was having an affair with. but it seems that one her lunch breaks she comes home and she has what i can tell is at least a couple different black guys that she has sex with. not at the same time.. anyway. now that i have the proof.. its been a few weeks now, i still haven't said anything. i dont exactly know what to do. i mean, i am devastated, i dont want to leave her, but i feel like i am inadequate and cannot satisfy her, which is why she is doing this. so, if i say something she will either leave or tell me she is going to quit, but she won't because she will still need that satisfaction.. please, any help is appreciated..
 

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Sorry that you find yourself in need of this forum.

Be very careful of the videos you took of her and them. Look up the video taping laws in your state. Most states have laws that state that people have the right to privacy in certain places.. like bathrooms and bedrooms. Put the tapes somewhere safe and do not show them to anyone.

Obviously you have all the evidence you need to go for divorce.

The way your wife is cheating is pretty bad. This is not a relationship where she is getting emotional needs met. She's engaging in very risky sexual behavior. Where is she meeting these guys? At work? Or is she using something like craigslist or AFF to hook up with them? Is it always the same 2 guys? And to top it off, she’s doing it in your bed.

With the videos; with the risky behavior which often means a sexual addiction or seeking out risky behavior with no concerns for oneself or the spouse; with her bringing strange men into your home and having sex on your bed; I’m not sure how you get over this to reconcile.
Some precautions are in order. Do not have sex with her again and get an STD test. She will need to get one as well.
If you want to get more evidence…..

Does your wife use a computer at home? If you can put a keylogger on it for more evidence and to monitor her. Again look up the laws because you need to protect yourself there.

Another thing that many people do is to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in the WS's car. Secure it to the underside of the driver's seat with adhesive back Velcro.

Before you confront her you need a plan. But first. Do the two of you have children? If so how many and what age?
 

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First, I'm very sorry you are here. You've come to the right place.

Second, her cheating has nothing to do with your pen!s size and everything to do with her character.

I wouldn't spend one second worrying about whether you can satisfy her adequately and concern yourself with stopping this behavior. If you have adequate evidence then you will need to confront. There are many here who will help you with suggestions on how to do that.
 

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Maybe some more background. How long have you guys been married. Do you have kids? Do you both work? Has her behavior changed recently? Do either of you have a history of cheating? What is the state of your marriage like? etc.

Oh and like JSG said I wouldn't even worry about the penis thing. That's probably not even an issue. That's just something apparently us guys get hung up on.
 

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OK, here is what I would do….

Clearly the relationship is gone. I like the “shock & awe” method.

1) Set up, but do not launch, a website with all the pics, videos, emails, texts… you can muster and give it an appropriate title.
2) File for divorce and also obtain a restraining order barring her from your place.
3) As best you can arrange your finances to benefit you.
4) On the appointed day do the following:
A) Close the bank account or remove a satisfactory amount and close all credit card accounts.
B) Close the cell phone account if it is joint.
C) Change the locks on your place.
D) Launch the website.
E) Send copies of all evidence to friends and family, Facebook, coworkers… to support your actions to shame and expose her.
F) When she arrives home she will find, on the doorstep, a folder with the divorce papers, restraining order, and copies of the evidence.

Then follow through with the divorce and let her play the wh0re.
 

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Where the hell is your self respect man?

I know your hurting...I've been their and it was the 2x4 to my head by a good friend that set me straight and face the reality that #1 I will not share my wife and #2 letting her go was best option.

Once she saws my confidence in letting her go she saw what she was about to lose if she continued!

Man up and command respect by confronting her, burning the bed, and asking her to leave if she want to continue with this crap!

Never reveal your souces...as far as your wife is concerned you hired a PI....this tactic will still give the tools to verify if what she tells you and what she actually dose.

So again confront but never reveal your sources.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks everyone for the quick and nice responses. i will try to respond to everything.

I have not shown the tapes to anyone, nor would i, except the wife to show her that i know. I have looked into divorce. we are in ohio and it is a no fault state. meaning, they don't care who did what, no one is to blame. she can go sleep with everyone she wants and there really is no legal consquence.

the one black guy is someone that works for her. the other one may be too, i'm not sure. the guy that works for her, i have met before. she doesn't have a computer at home. my computer is there, but she doesn't really use it. it's possible she uses her computer at work, or possibly her phone. which has a lock on it so i cant get in it. as far as more than two guys. i think it's actually 3, but i can't prove it.. but all black guys. that part i guess doesn't really matter, but just saying.

we do have kids.. ages 8 and 5. which is obviously another reason i dont want to get divorced. but i just don't know. the relationship seemed like it was going well. we had issues maybe 6 - 8 months ago, just normal stuff i guess.i mean we get along, we don't fight too much. inthe last 6 months or so she has been really happy, has been really nice to me and just seemed to be genuinely happy. i guess maybe now i know why... that makes me feel even worse..


i have not had sex with her since i found out.. i have not gone to the doctor. i didn't even think about that. i guess i just assumed that since i found the condoms, at least she was being safe and i didn't really think too much about the STD aspect.

as far as the penis size comments, i appreciate it. but i really think it might, because well.. i don't want to get graphic or detailed, but they were really big.. and i certianly haven't made her sound like that.

there has been no history of cheating, as far as i know anyway. i just never really thought about it.

again, thank you everyone for your responses and help.
 

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Confused,

Having sex in your bed with multiple partners? I don't know how or why you waited this long to confront her, but at this point you can't be concerned about losing her. She obviously isn't concerned about losing you.

In a situation like this, D should be your plan A. Confront her. Don't tell her how you know, just that you know. Take the cameras down, if you haven't already, so she won't find them. You have all you need.

If, after you confront, she comes clean and and is slobber spitting remorseful, you can consider delaying the D. That is if and only if, you still want to R with this woman. If she's not remorseful, then it's over. Go get your D and get on with your life.

Even if she appears to be remorseful, don't make a decision now. Ask her to leave your house and tell her you need time to think things through. Separate for a time to get your thoughts together. In the mean time, let us know what her reaction to your confrontation is, and check back for further advice on what to do. That advice will depend on what she says and does.

You don't give information on how long you've been married or kids. More background on your marriage would be important for us to know.

Others may tell you to just send her packing. Can't argue with that given the blatant disrespect of stooping strange guys in your own bed. Wow.
 

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DO NOT SHOW HER THE TAPES!!!!!!!!!


NEVER EVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCE!!!!!!!!!!


Dude your chick will see and feel how confident you are when you confront, you don't have to prove anything....she knows what she is doing and she will know you know by how confident you are in letting her go.

At the very least you can confirm by mentioning that "even a STD test would be good, I have confirmation that you are at least using protection.


Also start out with " I'm not racist but I will not share my wife with any man no matter what color his skin is".



Again you can make confirming statement with out revealing your source.


Dude if she knows about the tape she will end up in a motel.

If she knows about the tape how will you validate any commitment she makes?

If you reveal your source you will lose this source in the future!
 

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Having kids is tough and you have years invested and I understand you want to keep your family together.

But she must see how confident you are in letting her go or she will continue.

Remember she has just as much to lose as you do by divorcing...she doesn;t want her kids in the middle of the divorce.

So please believe me.

When you confront, no crying , no begging ,, but calm and firm!

If she sees how weak you really are she will continue. She must see that you can in fact let her go...even when its the last thing you want.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
thatbpguy- being an IT guy, i like your ideas, but afraid that might actually be against the law? i do like the ideas, about getting my finances in order just in case. that way i have something set aside when i figure out what to do.

i mean i guess i have to confront her at some point. i mean i can't just let it continue and not do anything.

i would like to stay with her though. so, i like the idea of telling her i know and maybe that i found the condoms. and i know she is cheating. don't tell her about the video's and everything. leave the camera up and see if she continues???? or if she stops? and then maybe have a better idea from there? if she stops, then maybe we can work through it. and if she doesn't then i have to decide to either leave, or i don't even know.
 

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Thanks everyone for the quick and nice responses. i will try to respond to everything.

I have not shown the tapes to anyone, nor would i, except the wife to show her that i know. I have looked into divorce. we are in ohio and it is a no fault state. meaning, they don't care who did what, no one is to blame. she can go sleep with everyone she wants and there really is no legal consquence.

Then you have all the evidence you need.

the one black guy is someone that works for her. the other one may be too, i'm not sure. the guy that works for her, i have met before. she doesn't have a computer at home. my computer is there, but she doesn't really use it. it's possible she uses her computer at work, or possibly her phone. which has a lock on it so i cant get in it. as far as more than two guys. i think it's actually 3, but i can't prove it.. but all black guys. that part i guess doesn't really matter, but just saying.

Who cares if they are black? She had sex with another man and in this case possibly 3 other men. She did this in your bed. She has no respect for you or your relationship.

we do have kids.. ages 8 and 5. which is obviously another reason i dont want to get divorced. but i just don't know. the relationship seemed like it was going well. we had issues maybe 6 - 8 months ago, just normal stuff i guess.i mean we get along, we don't fight too much. inthe last 6 months or so she has been really happy, has been really nice to me and just seemed to be genuinely happy. i guess maybe now i know why... that makes me feel even worse..

Sure, she has been nice to you. She has you to take care of her and she gets to have sex with anyone she wants. Her life is grand. Sounds like either a sexual addition and/or a serial cheater. It will be very difficult to stop this behavior and the only way you have a chance is to be willing to let her go. Without that, she will see you as weak and she will continue having sex with whoever she wants.

i have not had sex with her since i found out.. i have not gone to the doctor. i didn't even think about that. i guess i just assumed that since i found the condoms, at least she was being safe and i didn't really think too much about the STD aspect.

Get tested anyway. Better yet, have her tested after you confront and have her give you the results.


as far as the penis size comments, i appreciate it. but i really think it might, because well.. i don't want to get graphic or detailed, but they were really big.. and i certianly haven't made her sound like that.

Who cares how big they are? Why does it matter to you? So ... how many guys did she go through to find the ones that were BIG enough for her? She doesn't value you. The fact that you go on and on about how gigantic they are demonstrates what little self-esteem and self-respect you have.

there has been no history of cheating, as far as i know anyway. i just never really thought about it.

Again, sounds to me like this is an ongoing thing. She doesn't have a pen!s size xray. She just so happened to dial in on the 3 most hung guys you've seen? Statistically very doubtful. She's cheated on you a lot, I would guess.

again, thank you everyone for your responses and help.
 

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DO NOT SHOW HER THE TAPES!!!!!!!!!


NEVER EVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCE!!!!!!!!!!


Dude your chick will see and feel how confident you are when you confront, you don't have to prove anything....she knows what she is doing and she will know you know by how confident you are in letting her go.

At the very least you can confirm by mentioning that "even a STD test would be good, I have confirmation that you are at least using protection.


Also start out with " I'm not racist but I will not share my wife with any man no matter what color his skin is".



Again you can make confirming statement with out revealing your source.


Dude if she knows about the tape she will end up in a motel.

If she knows about the tape how will you validate any commitment she makes?

If you reveal your source you will lose this source in the future!
She may already be using a motel, too. And legally speaking, what is illegal about setting up security cameras at home?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Make a plan and work the plan!

Get all your ducks in a row.

If this is work related are you thinking of exposure?


Exposure is the best way to end these affairs...especially if the one guy you do know is married.


Telling the OMW (other mans wife) is the best way to end an affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
badmemory - thank you. i like your ideas and am thinking that might be the way to go. other than taking the cameras down. i mean, i want to know for sure if she does continue. but i don't want her finding them either and then just going to a hotel or where ever to do it.

when do i do this? obviously as soon as possible... i should probably see if the kids can go to my parents or something and then talk. ugh, i am not looking forward to this...
 

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thatbpguy- being an IT guy, i like your ideas, but afraid that might actually be against the law? i do like the ideas, about getting my finances in order just in case. that way i have something set aside when i figure out what to do.

i mean i guess i have to confront her at some point. i mean i can't just let it continue and not do anything.

i would like to stay with her though. so, i like the idea of telling her i know and maybe that i found the condoms. and i know she is cheating. don't tell her about the video's and everything. leave the camera up and see if she continues???? or if she stops? and then maybe have a better idea from there? if she stops, then maybe we can work through it. and if she doesn't then i have to decide to either leave, or i don't even know.
How about this....

When she comes home have the tapes playing on the TV. Just be sitting there watching.... and see what she has to say.
 
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