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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm new to this site & need help. My wife was a classic WAW who went through a MLC at 39 and had an affair. We have 2 girls (8&12) and when I caught her, she wanted a divorce. I never saw it coming. After the divorce, she dated like crazy and has been seeing the same guy for 8 mos now. I still hope for a miracle reconciliation. She really wants us to be friends and at times, I have acted that way towards her.

For much of the time after the divorce, I did everything wrong by pining over her and trying to get her back. During the marriage, we were very wealthy. I took a voluntary severance package a couple of weeks before I found out about her affair & I still haven't found work. She got a lot of money in the divorce & she doesn't work.

Ok, from everything I've read, I should do a 180, go dark (she'll hate this because she really wants me friendly), get another great job, and move on with my life.

Hopefully she will see the huge change and start wondering why I'm so disinterested. As for her relationship, that's tricky. He lives 1.5 hours away & he has 3 kids. He's crazy about my ex but this is her first serious relationship since the D, so I am praying that it runs it's course soon.

Is there anything else I should be doing to improve my chances? And, I'm a religious guy, so I've been praying everyday that God will lead her back to me.
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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

She's been gone for almost a year and has a whole new life & new relationship.

What makes you think she's interested in coming back?

I think you need to consider the 180's main purpose and start focussing on that.

The 180's main purpose is to help you move on to a new life without her.
Find a new relationship of your own.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Thanks Tacoma. You're probably right. She seems very happy. For some reason I still love her, despite everything that has happened and everything she did to ruin our marriage. I wish I could move on, but I can't.

I definitely need to continue to focus on getting my career back on track. She has not shown me any signs of wanting to reconcile. She is very pleasant towards me but never flirtatious. Over Xmas, she had me over to her house to open presents and she burst into tears a couple of times. She ran out if the room & I comforted her, telling her that we could have fixed our marriage. She wouldn't open up to me but I definitely saw regret in her eyes.
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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Have you been out with any women since the divorce?

Are you pursuing a social life?
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Yes & no. I've met a few women through church and I've went out in a couple of dates. What I've learned is that I'm not ready for dating. I seem to compare them to my ex & it's hard considering I was married for 13 years and had two children with her. I realize that my ex is probably gone for good. I also know in my mind that I should forget about her, learn from the experience, and move on.

However, like many who didn't want the divorce, I am struggling with my new reality. Holding out hope that my ex will one day wake up and realize she made a big mistake in leaving me is kinda foolish. Of course I know she loves me at some level, but like you said, she's clearly moved on and is in a new relationship.

I know in my heart that if she would have tried, we could have fixed our marriage. We never tried counseling or anything. Simply put, she got bored and left. No matter how much I wish she'd reconsider, there's no indication she's interested in doing that.

After reading through so many threads and learning about how so many other ppl in my situation are coping, I will probably still pray for reconciliation, but definitely do the 180 (for me), along w/ LC, and of course get my career back on track. One of the reasons the divorce has consumed me the way it has is because I was out if work for so long. Had I been working, I would have handled things much better.

Even my pastor said I should make my interest in reconciliation known but then move on & leave it up to my ex to pursue me.
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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Over Xmas, she had me over to her house to open presents and she burst into tears a couple of times. She ran out if the room & I comforted her, telling her that we could have fixed our marriage. She wouldn't open up to me but I definitely saw regret in her eyes.
And, here you go.....Have you done anything else together with the kids? If so, STOP. Her familiarity with you has to completely go away, and you are going to have to stop hoping for something that is completely out of your control. You say you are a religious man, then it's time to figure out why God has you where he has you. I too explained to my ex I want reconciliation, however, I've moved on. The ball is in her court, and I will never speak of it again.

See, instead of praying that God brings her back, pray for both of you to be stripped of your flesh. It is from your own personal desires that you want your wife back. Getting our desires in line with God's is going to allow you to live an abudant life, a life of peace, joy, and love. You have been placed in a most honorable position because of hardship. Flesh is always broken through emotional pain.

Love your ex enough to let her go, and let God do what He needs to do in her life. Love yourself enough to embrace what He is trying to do in yours.
 

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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

I agree with dedicated2Her above.

In order to help understand your situation better, I have a couple of questions.

1. You said that you lost a lot of money in your divorce. Did your divorce go to trial in front of a judge or did you sign an agreement?

2. What is your custody situation? Did you just allow your ex to take sole custody or did you fight for custody? What was the end result?

When you answer the above questions, I'll give you more advice. You need to understand that your ex didn't suffer a mid life crisis. There is no such thing. That is just a term we use to justify adults, who happen to be middle aged, behaving like children. There is NO excuse for your wife's behavior. Marriage is a choice. It takes TWO to make a marriage and one to break it. Your ex simply got bored and decided the grass was greener on the other side of the fence.

She will experience guilt in front of you because she knows in her heart of hearts that she is wrong for what she has done. You didn't say if she was religious but she also probably knows that her actions will subject her to GOD's judgment because adulterers cannot inherit the kingdom of heaven.

Don't mistake her guilt for wanting to reconcile. Her addiction to the OM will overpower that and as long as you still go around her you will never get her back. She is too familiar with you and will relate you to the failed marriage. You can only start to go around her again when you achieve total indifference. Once you truly don't want her back you can start to be friends with her again. Live your life for you, stop wasting time on her, she's moved on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Dedicated, thanks. I will no longer do anything with her & our girls. It only tears me up inside afterwards anyways. I am definitely letting her go now. 1 Corin 7:11 urges divorced women to reconcile to their husbands. I pray for reconciliation but I also pray for God's will. Thanks for your advice.

Married, I signed an agreement. The divorce was getting very expensive (over $100K) & I couldn't take it any longer.

We have joint custody & she is the custodial parent. I get expanded visitation where I can get them every Thurs after school through Fri morns and then the 1st, 3rd, & rare 5th wknds (from Thurs-Mon AM).

I agree with what you said about how she feels. She stopped going to church. I know she must feel guilty. I agree that I need to get to indifference.
 

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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

You see, I ask this because I think you may be suffering from nice guy syndrome. Read the following two books for information purposes.

1. No more Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
2. Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

Athol occasionally posts here. Both of these books will help you work on yourself so you can be ready for your next relationship whether that be with your ex-wife in a new marriage or the next woman you are involved with.

I personally would never sign an agreement on a divorce like what you signed. That makes me think you may be having some "nice guy" issues. Being a nice guy is not a bad thing in itself, but it hurts your relationships. If your ex didn't work, how did she get the money for an attorney to file for divorce? I also would never allow my cheating ex wife to have primary custody of my children. It would have to come from a judge that way. Did you just give in to the fear that guys always lose in court and just gave her what she wants? Most contested divorces don't cost anywhere near 100K. What did you spend your money on? Who filed the divorce?

Most cheaters who were church going Christians before their adultery usually stop going to church. The guilt is just too much. Also, you will hear sermons each Sunday which talk about how adultery is a sin. If you are in that sin, you can't sit there and listen to that. Hard-heartedness takes over and they stop coming back and fall away. Satan wins and that man/woman loses. Also, in church you know people who know what is going on. Good Christians will confront fellow believers who are caught in sin. Your ex is terribly lost and needs prayer. Most of all she needs a good, strong, Christian woman to explain to her the eternal consequences of her decision.

As for you, you can't do anything to get her out of her sin. It is out of your hands. You give it over to God and wait for him to act if HE chooses to. You are no longer bound to her since she committed adultery.
 

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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

I agree with what you said about how she feels. She stopped going to church. I know she must feel guilty. I agree that I need to get to indifference.
I agree with Married on the books....however, in regards to the above comment.

It really isn't about getting to indifference to a believer, it is about understanding and trusting God. The ability to humble yourself and place yourself before him saying "whatever you need from me, whatever you want to do in me". Trust.....Him. I have many friends that have reconciled. Let me tell you this, I am happy I haven't. Why? Because everyday I haven't, I have grown. If I was still married, she would be hindering me in that regard. It was necessary to be away from someone who is toxic. And trust me, a guilty person, is a toxic person. What is the definition of righteousness? Freedom from sin and guilt. Until she gets freedom that is only given through forgiveness and is able to live guilt free that comes only through true Godly sorrow, she is incapable of righteousness. That, my friend, is a hinderance for you as a man.

She may come back, or maybe, God is looking to do something in you beyond what you could imagine. That way, you can answer another woman's prayers, and be God's gift to her........as a new man.

Don't put Him in a box. Take each day at a time with no limits.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Thanks Dedicated! This entire episode of my life has been quite an experience for trusting God. I don't know why I have been through what I have but I realize it's part of God's plan for me so that makes it a little easier to live through.

Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And with that I am confident that I will be okay.
 

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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Thanks Dedicated! This entire episode of my life has been quite an experience for trusting God. I don't know why I have been through what I have but I realize it's part of God's plan for me so that makes it a little easier to live through.

Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And with that I am confident that I will be okay.
You are welcome. But, here is the better part. This is not just about you being ok or God's plan for you. It's also about the people you will come in contact with. The people around you. That has been the big impact for me. My trials, my change, the man I have become has inspired others and changed them. It has had a domino effect with my relationships. I have seen 7 men's lives changed in direct response to what has happened to me. 5 of those men where separated and have been reconciled to their spouses. The other two, have seen amazing things, just in other ways. Everything works together for the good of those who love Him. You are called to peace, not bondage. Stop torturing yourself over your wife's decisions. Become who God created you to be.
 
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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

the thing that stops a believer or rightly put former
believer to stop praying because of Sin is the spirit of the devil
now who is able stand against the wrath of God .

I would rather you pray for deliverance from the hand of the devil
 

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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Thanks Tacoma. You're probably right. She seems very happy. For some reason I still love her, despite everything that has happened and everything she did to ruin our marriage. I wish I could move on, but I can't.

I definitely need to continue to focus on getting my career back on track. She has not shown me any signs of wanting to reconcile. She is very pleasant towards me but never flirtatious. Over Xmas, she had me over to her house to open presents and she burst into tears a couple of times. She ran out if the room & I comforted her, telling her that we could have fixed our marriage. She wouldn't open up to me but I definitely saw regret in her eyes.
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Ex

Nice guys finish last. What you should have done is asked "Are you happy now? Satisfied that you destroyed our marriage and broke up our family?"

And then walked out the door.

Your ex has suffered no consequences. You will always be her Plan B. She knows it.

So pray tonight that God gives you the strength to find yourself, your courage and your balls to live your life to the fullest without her.

Because until you are really out of her life she will never truly miss you; nor contemplate what her horrible decisions truly cost her.

HM64
 

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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Even my pastor said I should make my interest in reconciliation known but then move on & leave it up to my ex to pursue me.
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After so much bad advice I've seen posted here from pastors and priests it's good to see some still understand life.

Your pastor gave you good advice, take it.

I wish you luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 · (Edited)
HM, I'm sure you are correct. The part that is tough for me to watch is the appearance from her that everything is wonderful in her life. She exited the marriage with our girls, over 1/2 million in cash, and immediately found a successful guy who is crazy for her. He loves to flaunt her by constantly taking her out on the town & she absolutely craves the attention.

I need to believe that she is trying to bury her shame & grief of ruining the marriage & destroying me in the process by putting so much effort into this relationship w/o taking any time to contemplate her actions and sort through her emotions. I agree that I need to continue to distance myself from her. I no longer have any heartfelt discussions with her. I keep it strictly business about the girls. I can really tell she missed those conversations. She even texted me after a disagreement over the girls asking me not to get mad and to please not do my "no communication" thing again. Wow, NC was having an impact.



Ex

Nice guys finish last. What you should have done is asked "Are you happy now? Satisfied that you destroyed our marriage and broke up our family?"

And then walked out the door.

Your ex has suffered no consequences. You will always be her Plan B. She knows it.

So pray tonight that God gives you the strength to find yourself, your courage and your balls to live your life to the fullest without her.

Because until you are really out of her life she will never truly miss you; nor contemplate what her horrible decisions truly cost her.

HM64
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Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

Ex

I keep it strictly business about the girls. I can really tell she missed those conversations. She even texted me after a disagreement over the girls asking me not to get mad and to please not do my "no communication" thing again. Wow, NC was having an impact.
You need to learn to not be there for her.

The best thing you can truly do for yourself is "Let Her Go".

It is a powerful action.

It clearly shows that you are moving on in your life without her.

And you know what? She does not deserve to have an ounce of you in her life.

You can still be a great Dad. But a friend to her? No.

Some people say revenge is not necessary. I say the best revenge is living a life well lived!

So let her go.

And if she tells you not to do the silent treatment on her just send her a text. "I have nothing to say"

If she tells you she misses you or the conversations you used to have. Just send her a text. "Remember, you fired me from being your Husband."

Sometimes a Battered Spouse needs to walk away. And it sounds like you do.

But do me a favor?

Make yourself a promise to love your kids no matter what.
Make yourself a promise to stop loving your Ex. She has not deserved your love for a while now.
Make me a promise to live your life that sets an example for your children to follow.

I have 3 girls. 11,13 and 19.

I make it my business to point out bad behavior, good behavior and exemplary behavior.

You do the same. Even if you use your Ex as an example.
Just do it respectfully.

I know from what values you have shown here that you will be happy again and find someone that shares your values of love, honor and marriage.

Sermon Over.

HM64
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Re: Help! Divorced for 11 mos & still want reconciliation. Advice needed.

HM, Wow. Thank you. I need to print this out. God Bless you & thanks again.
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