I disagree with Bandit on this being your moral responsibility to do immediately. Yes, you should tell the OM's wife, and do it as quickly as you can. But this divorce will affect the rest of your life. OM's wife is not your top priority. Your kids and yourself should be your priority. You can't take care of your kids if you haven't taken care of YOU. Once you are in the clear, absolutely tell the OM's wife. Do it in person, not anonymously. You don't have to let her cry on your shoulder, you don't have to be her friend. But do it straight up face to face, and tell her you'd have let her know sooner if you felt you could have without putting the welfare of your kids first. She should understand that.

For all you know, OM's wife could have known about this all along. SHE is not your first responsibility. Your kids are. The divorce affects your kids.

I know your self esteem is at an all time low, you are embarrassed, you are sad about losing the future you had planned. I know you are so screwed up emotionally you don't know which direction you should go. My advice is listen and follow your attorney's advice. Realize that if you are not crazy, have a decent job, don't have any addictions, and are generally a decent guy---- YOU are the hot commodity at your age. Most people are totally nuts, have addictions that make it worse, and don't have a steady job. You will be amazed at how easy it is to catch a woman's interest.
Dating was far more productive in my early 40's than in my early 20's when I had hair and a good physique. I had a lot more interest from younger, far more attractive women than I had earlier in life. I suspect that you will find that to be true as well.

You'll get over this. The first few months are complete misery. But when you start getting better, and start dating and getting your mind on other things, you will improve dramatically. In a couple of years, you might even think it all happened for the best and see that the Old man upstairs was taking care of you a lot better than you thought. I hope that for you. What your wife did is completely wrong.

 

Thanks, Evinrude, this all makes sense in my mind and I will tell the OM wife once the consent order is final, in approx 6 week time. This allows the finances I need to take on the house (but leaves me flat broke and owing money to my parents). The boys are 7 and 4 and will be shared 50/50, as written up in mediation agreement, no court order / custody terms here.

I hope I do get the success you did in meeting new partners, clearly just want a bit of fun for now but in years to come, I hope to find someone else who does deserve to share everything I still have to give.

 

@Melrose8888 I would recommend counselling for you and for your boys, too.

 

I'm in IC (wasted 3 sessions on MC...). I have considered it for the boys but what kind of things do they support with?

 

I meant if M8 wanted to inform her now, before the divorce is final, he may want to do it anonymously. After the divorce, he probably will want to talk with her. If the other BS is okay with talking, he can tell all face to face then.

He has to protect himself, his children and their divorce agreement until it is over. Pissing her off could backfire. You'd have to check with your attorney about the chances of that.

I see nothing wrong with seeing her later when your divorce and/or custody agreements are finished. Is there going to be a custody agreement? I can't remember how old they are?

If she comes to you looking for information, I'd give it to her.

 

Question as part of the agreement are you not allowed to report them to HR?

 

This was mentioned during mediation but I'm not expecting it to be written into the memorandum. Should get documents today.

I don't really want to report them, it was always there as an option, if mediation failed.

 

After the Divorce you can do what you want. She has no hold on you and you hardly slandering her good name if you tell the truth.

You do not have to meet this guy. Men don't leave their wives for a Mistress. They ADD the mistress and replace her when she is too much trouble. She is about to become a whole lot of trouble especially when his wife finds out. i suspect the new "happy families" is entirely in her head or he just mouths the words. Don't even consider it at this stage. His world is about to fall apart. So far he has just had a bit on the side.

In case you haven't seen this stat. 97% of all these affair relationships fail before or at 5 years. The reason there are no stats for ten years is that they could either not find the people or the people did not want to talk. Read what you like in to that.


Try and take some time for you and the boys to do something nice. Something new you have wanted to do for a while.


It can feel like you are at war. Even a few mins R&R is better than nothing

 

After the Divorce you can do what you want. She has no hold on you and you hardly slandering her good name if you tell the truth.

You do not have to meet this guy. Men don't leave their wives for a Mistress. They ADD the mistress and replace her when she is too much trouble. She is about to become a whole lot of trouble especially when his wife finds out. i suspect the new "happy families" is entirely in her head or he just mouths the words. Don't even consider it at this stage. His world is about to fall apart. So far he has just had a bit on the side.

In case you haven't seen this stat. 97% of all these affair relationships fail before or at 5 years. The reason there are no stats for ten years is that they could either not find the people or the people did not want to talk. Read what you like in to that.

First, I am all for exposure to OM's W. 100%.

Having said that, I don't endorse vindictiveness just to be vindictive. If OM leaves his wife and wants to have a LTR with OP's stbxw, I see no reason to poison it. No reason to celebrate it either. But no reason to set out to destroy them just for the fun of it. Presumption being that OM's W is informed and they split.

My mom married her AP. They've been married 26 or 27 years now. It has been a very good marriage for them, much better than the first marriage each had. Yes this is a rarity. Most OM's are just looking for a little fun on the side with no intention of leaving their wife. This man was divorced when he met my mother, and she had an exit affair.

If in OP's situation it turns out this OM is just a dirtbag serial cheater who is just using OP's stbxw for some temporary tail, yeah blow his life out of the water. Turn him in to HR. Spread the word about him being a low life.

 

I know it is a burden to buy and carry the house. But the house s your children's home. The older they grow the more settled they will become in the house. Custody may be 50/50 to start but as they age they will want to be "home" more with there friends and social circle. It also keeps you rooted and emotionally stable.

 

Friends are loyal, trustworthy, honest. She's not your friend.

In order for you to move on and have a good life you'll need to purge her. Hard 180. Only email or texts kids, business only. Never answer a phone call direct. Delete anything not in you guideles. No response necessary.

If you can do this you'll be surprised at how quickly you can move on.

Having her in your life will just hold you back

 

Children nearly always blame themselves when parents split up. You have to remember that you and their mom are 90% of their whole world, and they're young, so they think in very basic language - food, house, parents, play, fun...it's all they know, so if something goes wrong, they don't have the skills to consider outside forces or actions caused it, so they'll fill that void with themselves.

 

Melrose, i clearly understand when you say that it seems she found the grass greener, and you left holding the bag so to speak, but i would like to suggest something that you actually possess implicit power that if they truly thought about it could be to their determent. First at some time in the future you could potential impact their lives, certainly his by reporting this to HR. Second you have the power to inform the OM wife of all of the Shenanigans that has been going on, and together could also impact them their lives. Thirdly you have the power of exposure to your sons first and foremost (perhaps when they are older, but i promise you they actually get it) but to friends and family members...don't underestimate your power...and more importantly neither should they.
Now statistically speaking their odds of staying together is less than 30%...considering the hate on both sides of the families....and the other issue is trust....when you start a relationship on deceit, how can you build any foundation

 

And I think this power has got me to a decent financial agreement in principle, shared custody and currently on track to finalise D less than 6 months after we first discussed unhappiness. Out of all of this, one piece of advice I do feel qualified to give to any others who have been wronged, is file for D immediately, get it done quickly because either way (D or R) it is the only way to save yourself and start healing.

 

1. Create new email address with zero information tying it to you in the name. Actually, make the username gibberish.
2. Send OMW email from new address stating "I think your husband is sleeping with one of my co-workers named XXXX. I thought you should know"
3. Never give up how you know or that you're not an employee. Let her do the work.

 

I know it's hard but try to think clearly about what we have here. You soon to be ex is a cheat. That means generally she doesn't have a high value when it comes to relationships, this is why cheats hide their nature, if they were honest about it there would be few takers. She is deceitful and clearly has poor boundaries. The dude she is with is the same. Right now emotionally you are seeing her through the rose colored glasses of love. When that goes away you will see her for what she is a bad choice. This will get clearer with separation. You were never going to have a happily ever after with someone like that. She isn't capable. Those two won't either, they may stay together but they both have to deal with the fact that they know what they are capable of. It's like having a tiger as a pet, looks nice, nice to pet, but it may kill you.

You need to turn off your emotions and see her for what she is. Her value to a long term relationship isn't much. Her punishment is being the type of person she is, his too.

Also when the divorce is finalized blow this s*it up. Who cares the reason, F them.

 

I wouldn't worry about their happily ever after. They weren't worried about yours.

They knew there were children involved. If they thought it was an issue, they'd have waited till their divorces were final.

Would they have stopped if you begged them? Nope.

They would have brought it into the open and tormented you with their relationship.

They would have tried to get you to give up the house and all you bought together so she could have more.

They would have done all of this at the advice of her attorney.

You would have been given no quarter.

And, it would all have been legal.

 

I'll reiterate, don't rock the boat. Get your ducks in a row with your separation before doing something to piss her off.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk

 

Well, ducks are settling nicely, just did final handover of kids with her in the house, before the co-parenting plan kicks in, and as she left I asked for her keys back. A small but momentus moment for me; My boys and I have a safe home from which to heal.

 

Is the paper work signed yet? If so what are the non-financial details that are legally binding? For example exposure at work, to his wife etc?

Do not allow your sons to meet OM without your sons knowing the truth. She will lie, correct the re-write. Was the marriage slowly dying - true. Truth part two: she had a choice try to fix marriage the marriage first then divorce or just cheat and get a "boyfriend". She chose to cheat. Truth part three: MOM not only had the same choice but he could have been a friend of the marriage he choose instead to help destroy it. He chose poorly. Your sons must know this. If you allow otherwise when the truth comes out they will wonder why you didn't tell them. They will view you as weak. They will also had been fooled into believing MOM is a great person and feel loyalty to him.

As to her friend. If I was her husband or boyfriend and had a half a brain I would dump her. If she has not already screwed around she will. Of course if it is a boyfriend who is their for sex only it is all good.

 

I'm not expecting the solicitors Consent Order to include the requests that the STBXW made, these were more of a list of things that she needed to say, as I'd been in full 180 and not communicated for ages. Likewise, I don't really think my request of not introducing the POSOM until at least after divorce, is legally binding but it will be signed. So those options are still available, especially if (when?) she introduces OM against my wishes.
(He is actually round her rental building the kids new bed as we speak...).

My 7yo boy knows part of the story but a huge thank you for laying out the facts. I oft forget about the OM part in this episode. I think I will draw both boys a picture of stickmen, to show 2 families and how things should happen if people are unhappy in relationships and another picture of what these POS did to us.

Her newer friends (moved to town 3 years ago) were always, IMHO, bad choices but clearly she has been in a this mind set a while, so needed them on side for what she was about to do. What is strange is her older friends backing her to the hilt and believing that there was no overlap, so she hasn't cheated?! I guess, in hindsight, these friends weren't particularly approving of me in the early days (15+ years ago) so it might make sense.

 

My personal favorite (I think this is at least partial credit to @Affaircare and possibly others, paraphrased):

Daddy learned that Mommy has a new boyfriend. Daddy doesn't believe in having boyfriends or girlfriends when you are married so Daddy and Mommy are going to live in separate houses and not be married anymore. You'll get to visit Daddy sometimes and Mommy sometimes. Remember that Daddy and Mommy love you very much. Even though we won't be married anymore, our love for you will stay the same.

 

My ex has a rich husband that's never had a job.
If it helps, I have gotten used to it. My kids don't dislike the guy, he spends money on them to buy their love, and they are old enough that his influence will be minimal. It's not like my ex's character and what she has done as an example could be topped by other bad examples.

I think it may be worse to have a poor guy be their "step dad".
I know, believe me I know, how you feel. But, you will get over this and be happy. It's just a matter of time and willingness to move forward instead of dwelling on the past.
Good luck.

I suspect your wife will be his ex not long down the road.

 

It's an interesting POV, I guess it is better to have a rich guy but not now, not only 2 months since they 'fell' for each other. Far too early.
Given the link in our lives, my boys, I find that so difficult to detach from the stbxw and her new life - I see POSOM driving round my (small) town...

 

Your adulterous wife and adulterous partner are basing this relationship with their work relationship. In that relationship he is the kindly unstinting supportive mentor, lifting her up to heights professionally that she could never achieve professionally. I wrote this based on a bullet point post by I believe Marduk's post on how ex's hook up again. As you read it image your every day relationship with your WW and ask how well reality will be different. Bottom line at work he is the man the leader, word and judgment unquestioned. Well personal relationship are based on partnership. Fantasy is great, reality rules.

Work place E/A P/A

I have modified a post I read on how an EX can entered back into a spouses life. *A work place relationship cam and often is *a far more dangerous situation to a marriage. *It creates a strong bonding experience of working as a team, developing goals, implementing a plan of a plan of action, overcoming problems, and sharing a successful outcome. *These are common traits in a successful marriage. *

A perfect storm is about to happen.*

They talk about and basks in their shared success,
They eagerly look forward to new challenges working together and achieving the next high of success.*
They begin to discuss their children and how great they are,*
Their families
How you're an excellent parent, you respond how great they are as a parent,*
How lucky your spouses are to have such great spouses.*
How you' each of you is a wonderful suppose.*
How great their jobs are.*
But how the job keeps both of *you busy
How the *job keeps you away
How they sometimes feels a little lonely and disconnected
How they sometimes feels a little overburdened because the spouse is not pulling their weight.*
How they sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How they *feels that their spouses don't ALWAYS listen to them
How they *feels that there spouces *don't ALWAYS understand them.*
How they feel that sometimes their spouces are just "not there" for them.*
How, okay... Their spouse are not ALWAYS such a wonderful person.*
How they loved working together with each other,*
How they wish their spouses where as easy to work together like the *
**two of you.*
How they feel young again
How they find feel appreciated, something their spouses don't do.*
How they feel attractive again
How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to them
How it's been so, so long since their spouses *made them feel that w
Then BOOM their eyes have now been opened
How they *now realizes what *truly they want and *how they natural give each other this.
How they *now realizes that there spouses could NEVER give them that
How insensitive their spruces *can be be some times
How they *can be a real jerks sometimes
How they wonders if they should say married*
How they *now realizes that they never really loved their spouse*
How they *now realizes that they want in a *marriage what they have at *
work with each other.
How they ever could have fallen for a jerk like their spouses*
How their spouses the biggest a++hole they have ever known
How their spouses are *standing in the way of her true happiness
How their spouses ruined their life
How they *made a big mistake marrying their *spouses
How it would be a bigger mistake letting not being with each *each other*
How now they see that the two of you are really meant to be together
How they desperately need *to get away from their *spouse*
How they definitely going to leave their spouse*
They are now comparing notes from *talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever with their children. *
How there is no real room in the children's life for the ex(s). *

 

Your adulterous wife and adulterous partner are basing this relationship with their work relationship. In that relationship he is the...

This is a great read and is exactly how it played out but in any case, it's all too late, she fell for it hook, line and sinker. She's not the same person I met 17 years ago, our marriage was a sham and is over.
I just need to detach but am getting stuck in thinking of her and her bf, especially as I know they see each other every day in and out of work.

 

@Satya great start, could you work in how people need to have health boundaries to avoid this from happening. That it is up to each person to build and maintain. That when they don't people in there lives get unfairly hurt.

Mel: over time you will be amazed how important it was to stay in the home. Keep it drama free, unlike your exWW home in the near future.

 

Your marriage is dead period until the adultety ends. The first goal of a BS should be to end the adultety either though the WS ending relationship and 100% NC or divorce. You know what and how. Based on the the how you know it will blow up with your children caught in the middle unprepared. Have you read my link on exposure and drafted plains to expose to your sons?

 

I'm thinking of sending a quick email to STBXW immediate family and friends, just to counter the re-write of the marriage history. Nothing too emotional, just the facts, the timeline and the fact she had an EA then PA before I had any idea AND that I had to uncover the affair. Sound fair enough?

One more thing, would a mod be able to move this to the Private Members Section, please? Thinking I need to be a little careful until the consent order is sealed... thanks.

 

Where is your divorce at?
What will it do to negotiations?
How close are you to her family?


There are many things to consider before worrying about the marital rewrite. If you have the info save it, wait until the order is signed and then be vindictive.

 

Hi philly, she has agreed to D petition and returned form, agreed finances and co-parenting but consent order won't be sealed for 6 weeks.
Not close to family at all.

It is food for thought on when the right time might be, I want to tell the truth to them (and the OMW but that is another action to ponder) to allow me to move on, detach and to stop thinking / worrying about what she has done / is doing. That is my motive, my healing.

 

The other motive is the very real possibility that you will lose real access to your kids. She is NOT your friend. She has in her mind a new family where you simply cease to exist. Look up what happens to dads in divorce.
Nuke it. Now

 

Again you cannot allow your children to meet MOM without warning. Here is a summary a poster wrote on the bullets points to covered

Children at 4 years old know that lying, sneaking, cheating, is bad.
Children at 4 know what a BF and GF is an know the concept to love a person.
Children at 4 know that a mom and dad who are married should only be going out on dates with each other rather then as BF/GF.
There is no need to give facts other than this. There is no mention of sex or anything that is age inappropriate.
Children are not expected to do anything about stopping the affair.
Children will blame themselves for their family falling apart because they are not told the truth that their family is no more because the WS had an affair.
Children by knowing the truth will know not to place any blame on themselves for the marriage failing.

Both MOM and WW chose to break these rules and as a result their parents must divorce.




This conversation would not have been necessary if the two of you had divorced several years ago. So construct the story around these points.

 

Thanks John, and this is the story they have been told.

However, in lala land, the counter story from pos ex to the kids (I heard her say this) is that ,'the reason I moved out is I was unhappy and we will all be happier in new lives'. When I pushed on the OM, she said to them 'yes, ok, there is another man but he isn't the reason why I have a new house'.

It's the closest I've ever come to being violent...

Still, I have the texts, I have the evidence and I have this thread to show them when they are older. They can decide who to believe then.

 

And you should remind her that you have all of the evidence and tell her the boys will be shown all of it...so stop lying.